The Walt Disney Company today filed for liquidation as the result of a small claims suit brought against it in Orlando, Florida. Devastated by the $965.47 award, the Company immediately sought protection in the Delaware courts to prevent an Enron-like unraveling of the media conglomerate.
All we wanted to do was to bring happiness, joy and magic into the world, a tearful Michael Eisner told the gathered media shortly before stepping into his limousine. It was my lifes mission; I devote every waking moment to continuing the legacy of Walt Disney this is just so tragic. We are letting an out-of-control court system ruin the dreams of millions of children around the world.
Other company spokespersons are not available for comment as the entire corporate staff is currently on a three week team building session on a private island in the South Pacific.
Knowledgeable inside sources claim that the downfall of the company started when a cast member at the Animal Kingdom parking lot attempted to open a car door for a family. The familys three year old daughter had inadvertently closed the door while her mother was placing another child in a stroller, locking the keys inside. The mother became distraught and attracted the attention of a Disney employee.
I was just trying to help. Its my job, said the former employee (who has requested we withhold his name due to continuing legal action against him by Disney). These families go through so much to get here, and anything we can do help them out of problems they have, well thats what the magic is about - isnt it?. Sources indicate that while opening the door, the mechanism the raises and lowers the door was damaged, leaving the window in the up position.
I spent $4,500 taking my kids to Disney World, the victim in the case mentioned. The guy said Disneys insurance would pay for the damage, but later some other guy from them told they wouldnt. Its not like were rich, but when I wrote a letter complaining all I got was a coupon for a $5 discount on a stuffed Winnie the Pooh animal. I guess its just one of those things.
The events were witnessed by a visiting lawyer from Tennessee who quickly rushed to the scene. He immediately filed a class action lawsuit and sought other people who have suffered similar fates. In papers filed with the court, the lawyer claims that the number of grievously injured parties that have fallen victim to these premeditated deliberate acts of emotional distress is nearing the point where it could take two hands to count them all. The perpetrators of such malicious acts must be punished and a message must be sent to all evildoers across the world. This thousand dollars is but the first blow in our crusade for justice next time we will strive for an even two grand and have them quaking in their shoes!
Reached at his home in Beverly Hills, an executive with the Attractions division stated that this was the companys only course. Do you think we can sustain these losses? We pay those car people, what like a whole ******** $6.95 an hour. Thats a big *** hit to the bottom line! And then theres small claims court, and you know what ****** they can be. ****, I bet that twerp Jeff has bought all the judges. First the Oscars, now this. All I want to do is make a few ******* bucks. I mean look at this place you know how many gardeners I have to hire just for the hedges! And do have any ******* idea what that ******* ABC has done to my ******* stock options! Someones going to pay for that I tell you. That ****** and her kids, thats who! Hell, that brat three year old probably doesnt even own a DVD player yet. Like I give a **** when shes not even old enough to buy Mulan 6 The Golden Years!!
How can any American company expect to make a profit when it has to keep three minimum wage workers on staff to meet guests needs? Its like these guests now expect to be treated with care, respect and kindness. Dont they ******* know anything about running Disney?!!!
In real news, the budget for Gangs of New York has now hit $120,000,000 dollars and is still climbing. Its nice to know that once again the Parks are made to suffer the most trivial and obnoxious cuts to guest services while other areas run free. I hope the buck forty-eight this latest cut saves is enough to turn around WDW's finances.
