Parenting and adult kids

[Pea-n-Me]

I get it...we all get it, you're right stuff happens. This may be one of the cases where it's like whew okay moment. You were getting at Slo making sorta a guilt trip post. She's just talking about in general stuff when she sees mid-20s come in with their parents taking over the appointments frequently enough in a pattern and I think we all can think of a group of parents that do that, she was just talking about that group letting their kids take the reign. Maybe you don't trust that she would discern with her own knowledge and expertise in her occupation to be able to quickly switch it up but I do. 'Bout all I can say on that

You make me laugh. You always have to be right, and always have to have the last word.

It’s tiring.

Have a good day.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You make me laugh. You always have to be right, and always have to have the last word.

It’s tiring.

Have a good day.

If you don't want to have the conversation then don't but don't attack me because I respond and you're not into my response and then bait me with things like that. It makes you look like you have to have the last word the very thing you laugh at me about. Yes please do have a good day, it's far too early for this.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If you don't want to have the conversation then don't but don't attack me because I respond and you're not into my response and then bait me with things like that. It makes you look like you have to have the last word the very thing you laugh at me about. Yes please do have a good day, it's far too early for this.

Your conversations are endless. Really.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Your conversations are endless. Really.

And yet you keep quoting me. Really PM me if you want let's discuss there or not IDK (but everyone knows I'm more than willing to discuss via PM) but if you keep quoting me you're just wanting to have the last word the very thing you laugh at me about so I'm not sure what the accomplishment is here.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

And yet you keep quoting me. Really PM me if you want let's discuss there or not IDK (but everyone knows I'm more than willing to discuss via PM) but if you keep quoting me you're just wanting to have the last word the very thing you laugh at me about so I'm not sure what the accomplishment is here.

I am just putting it out there Mackenzie, because I don’t want to keep going on with you about it until the cows come home. I’m letting you know that I‘ve said what I wanted to say about this (and it was never meant to be a slight or slam to slo, as I said, I was just responding to what she said with another perspective), I feel I was misunderstood, and I clarified. That’s it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I am just putting it out there Mackenzie, because I don’t want to keep going on with you about it until the cows come home. I’m letting you know that I‘ve said what I wanted to say about this (and it was never meant to be a slight or slam to slo, as I said, I was just responding to what she said with another perspective), I feel I was misunderstood, and I clarified. That’s it.

And you have absolutely every right to clarify and if you felt misunderstood you have every right to want to set the record straight and maybe not a consideration to you but that is why I also comment at times because we all have where we feel our words aren't being clearly heard.

The reason I said guilt trip is because of your last tagging specifically to slo saying "God forbid, what if your college age daughter were to have a serious medical issue and you were given a hard time about being involved? I don’t think you’d like it very much."

But when you end up commenting back to me I don't see how attacking me, insulting me personally and laughing at me when I viewed it as me clarifying myself in why I said what I said about extreme and ends up just being you going after me and I'm sorry that is not something I thought you and I would come to. It's a bit disheartening. I have thick skin here for the most part it's an internet forum, I'm not anonymous but some people are, still dang.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well I guess I got sucked in again today.

I don’t appreciate you saying that about a guilt trip. That was not my intention, and I believe slo knows it. I’ve seen you doing that on threads more and more lately - pot meet kettle. I also fully believe what I said is the truth, because I have experienced it myself, not just with my son, but with other family members. (Its called wisdom.) It helps to put ourselves in their shoes and providers.

I am not laughing at you, I said you make me laugh, as in disbelief. I like you, MacKenzie, I think you’re a smart and well-meaning person. We can disagree and still respect eachother. Feel free to dislike me or put me on Ignore if you wish. But I can’t get caught up in this quagmire on every freakin thread.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Well I guess I got sucked in again today.

I don’t appreciate you saying that about a guilt trip. That was not my intention, and I believe slo knows it. I’ve seen you doing that on threads more and more lately - pot meet kettle. I also fully believe what I said is the truth, because I have experienced it myself, not just with my son, but with other family members. (Its called wisdom.) It helps to put ourselves in their shoes and providers.

I am not laughing at you, I said you make me laugh, as in disbelief. I like you, MacKenzie, I think you’re a smart and well-meaning person. We can disagree and still respect eachother. Feel free to dislike me or put me on Ignore if you wish. But I can’t get caught up in this quagmire on every freakin thread.

I can understand you not appreciating what I said, that is how I saw it and you can just tell me what you just did that it wasn't your intention and you didn't like me saying that. I didn't appreciate how you attacked me certainly not getting that you respect me as a person even if you don't agree with me. For a while you were ignoring me and I was ignoring you so saying every thread was not even happening (I don't put people on ignore but I did just choose not to read the posts). Been a long time actually since you and I have actually conversed. The pot meet kettle is exactly why I didn't understand you making such a grand point about me having the last word when that's all you've been doing and still doing. See ya around some other time I'm sure we'll make it back eventually.

 

[Sweetpancake]

My child is still very young but looking at my relationship with my own parents, I don't think your kids ever really stop needing you. As much as you grow independent and are hopefully able to hold down a job, pay your bills etc... I think even grown kids really crave your attention and love. I know I wish my dad would call me more often, he rarely does. Most of our connection is me reaching out all the time, that gets old.

 

[disykat]

My child is still very young but looking at my relationship with my own parents, I don't think your kids ever really stop needing you. As much as you grow independent and are hopefully able to hold down a job, pay your bills etc... I think even grown kids really crave your attention and love. I know I wish my dad would call me more often, he rarely does. Most of our connection is me reaching out all the time, that gets old.

I have to respond to this, because I think an expectation of parents reaching out "equally" is kind of a new thing culturally. I've seen it on social media several times recently. (Not saying YOU said this, just something I've noticed recently and when you mentioned your feelings it made me think of it.) Yes, I totally get that you want your dad to call you because it's never fun to feel like a relationship is one sided and I'm not saying he never should or that he's not totally at fault because I don't know your relationship …. BUT.... Since I'm on the other side of this and now have adult children I'll lay my thoughts out for you.

The hardest part of parenting is letting your child go. (Trust me I know it's really hard for you to believe this now from the trenches of active parenting, but from my perspective it's true!) From the time they hit adolescence you start the process. They push you away, you try to step back and let them be in control of more and more of their own lives, etc. (I guess that really starts way before adolescence, doesn't it?) It's excruciating. Then you get to the point where they literally get the power to decide if you are still part of their lives. I'd say call your dad because he's probably home thinking about you and wishing he could be involved in every little detail of your life but knowing it's better for you if he's not. You now have control of your own life because he did his job and raised you right and let you be in charge of your own life. He had to learn how to be without you. The control of your life and who you want in it has been passed to you.

Most of the time, my parents called their parents. I called mine. It's kind of the way the world works when the parents step back and let you make your own life. Like I said, I'm not saying parents are off the hook from any of the communicating in a relationship with their adult kids, but I maintain that the "kids" really have the power once they've grown up and that torch has passed. I've seen relationships (especially in-law relationships) where parents don't step back and it's not pretty!

 

[Southernmiss]

I have to respond to this, because I think an expectation of parents reaching out "equally" is kind of a new thing culturally. I've seen it on social media several times recently. (Not saying YOU said this, just something I've noticed recently and when you mentioned your feelings it made me think of it.) Yes, I totally get that you want your dad to call you because it's never fun to feel like a relationship is one sided and I'm not saying he never should …. BUT.... Since I'm on the other side of this and now have adult children I'll lay my thoughts out for you. The hardest part of parenting is letting your child go. (Trust me I know it's really hard for you to believe this now from the trenches of active parenting, but it's true!) From the time they hit adolescence you start the process. They push you away, you try to step back and let them be in control of more and more of their own lives, etc. (I guess that really starts way before adolescence, doesn't it?) It's excruciating. Then you get to the point where they literally get the power to decide if you are still part of their lives. Call your dad because he's probably home thinking about you and wishing he could be involved in every little detail of your life, but knowing it's better for you if he's not. You now have control of your own life because he did his job and raised you right and let you be in charge of your own life. He had to learn how to be without you. The control of your life and who you want in it has been passed to you.

Most of the time, my parents called their parents. I called mine. It's kind of the way the world works when the parents step back and let you make your own life. Like I said, I'm not saying parents are off the hook from any of the communicating in a relationship with their adult kids, but I maintain that the "kids" really have the power once they've grown up and that torch has passed.

Well said. As the Op, I love for my kids to call , text or send a smoke signal.

As a parent, because I respect their privacy and living their lives, I don't call or text as often as I would prefer to hear from them out of that respect for boundaries.

Same as what our parents do.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My child is still very young but looking at my relationship with my own parents, I don't think your kids ever really stop needing you. As much as you grow independent and are hopefully able to hold down a job, pay your bills etc... I think even grown kids really crave your attention and love. I know I wish my dad would call me more often, he rarely does. Most of our connection is me reaching out all the time, that gets old.

I was thinking the same thing as the above two posters. Maybe you and your Dad should have a conversation about it.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I have to agree on contacting your adult children. As a parent, I don't want to intrude or interrupt. I do text my DD27 on the regular--she got a kitty a couple months ago, so I'm getting daily texts/photos these days. I love hearing from her, and she frequently calls while she's driving home from work. Of course, as soon as she gets home to the kitty, I'm tossed aside like a McDonald's wrapper, but it's okay.

I called my parents, every Sunday night when they were alive.

 

[Frwinkley]

It really is a fine line. I have one adult married daughter who is about to become a first time mom. We are very close. She talks to myself and my DH once a week (usually she calls on the way home from work), but we text multiple times a day. We are extremely careful of our boundaries. The truth of the matter is that she has the power-I can guarantee that we think about her much more than she thinks about us. As hard as it is to realize. we want to be part of our adult children's lives way more than they want to be part of ours.

My parents, however, took the boundaries thing way too far. They never called any of their 4 children (so it wasn't like they had a favorite), and left the contact up to us. They never, ever guilted us into calling or visiting more. I truly believe they just didn't know what to do with adult children. They loved us without question--but that generation just wasn't demonstrative. At times their lack of contact hurt. It was also something that you just didn't discuss.

We talk much more with our daughter and son-in-law about these things and our respectful of them. We play by their rules--after all, they will have what we want...our first grandchild! I do not mean to imply that the relationship is one-sided because it isn't--it's just the reality of where we all are in our lives right now.

 

[kymom99]

I talked to my parents regularly because they watched my son after school. We also came over most Sundays after church for breakfast. My dad would call me when they wanted to ask something or tell me something.

My husband’s parents rarely called but his mom would get mad and make remarks that he never called her. He could go months without talking to her. She was the queen of guilt. My thought was always this, our phone rings too.

 

[slo]

Most of the time, my parents called their parents. I called mine. It's kind of the way the world works when the parents step back and let you make your own life. Like I said, I'm not saying parents are off the hook from any of the communicating in a relationship with their adult kids, but I maintain that the "kids" really have the power once they've grown up and that torch has passed. I've seen relationships (especially in-law relationships) where parents don't step back and it's not pretty!

This is how I was raised in what to do - the child, regardless of age, calls their parent.
My mom always called my grandma.
I always called my grandma (RIP) and I always call my mom.
This is a pretty old school way of thinking, of which I’m not instilling into my DD19.
Her and I communicate pretty equally. We see each others locations, so we can tell if one of us is somewhere that can take a phone call or not. If she’s somewhere other than her dorm room, I’ll text her and ask her if she can talk. Sometimes she says yes and sometimes she tells me she’ll call me later, which is normally ok, unless I’m going to be somewhere and then we’ll figure out a different time. So far, this is working out very well

 

[mjkacmom]

This is how I was raised in what to do - the child, regardless of age, calls their parent.
My mom always called my grandma.
I always called my grandma (RIP) and I always call my mom.
This is a pretty old school way of thinking, of which I’m not instilling into my DD19.
Her and I communicate pretty equally. We see each others locations, so we can tell if one of us is somewhere that can take a phone call or not. If she’s somewhere other than her dorm room, I’ll text her and ask her if she can talk. Sometimes she says yes and sometimes she tells me she’ll call me later, which is normally ok, unless I’m going to be somewhere and then we’ll figure out a different time. So far, this is working out very well

I very rarely call my kids, I do what my mom did and text them “call me when you are free.” Two of the five live at home, so I’m just texting three of them.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I very rarely call my kids, I do what my mom did and text them “call me when you are free.” Two of the five live at home, so I’m just texting three of them.

That's basically my approach. The few times I call my oldest, her first words were, "Who died?", because I never call her. But, I've told her, it's because I don't want to interrupt if she's busy. Texting is much less intrusive in the moment, even if she's just making herself lunch or something.

 

[mumto3girls]

That's basically my approach. The few times I call my oldest, her first words were, "Who died?", because I never call her. But, I've told her, it's because I don't want to interrupt if she's busy. Texting is much less intrusive in the moment, even if she's just making herself lunch or something.

This is also my philosophy although lately I’ve been finding out my children find it odd. I have a senior in college and a freshman in college. I very rarely call my oldest and she calls me when she needs something or has news to share. I am always happy to hear from her and text her multiple times a week. If I haven’t heard from her in a while and I want to be sure she’s alive I text a pic or video of the dog and I usually hear back in minutes. My middle kid is a freshman in college and told me just a few weeks ago that it is weird that I never call her. She also told me that when she went away to school her sister told her—“ your friends parents will call all the time. Mom and dad never will. Just so you know.” I explained to her I am always happy to talk and they can call any time but I don’t want to bother them and I don’t know when they are busy. She still thought we should talk weekly so for the last few weeks we’ve been talking on Wednesdays at 2. After I hang up with her I call her sister as my oldest can be sensitive and I don’t want to offend her. At some point I think she’ll tell me to knock it off which is okay.

I call my dad. He only calls me if he needs something. I think my parents called their parents for the most part.

I will admit that I generally don’t like to talk on the phone. I prefer texting. I do like to hear my kids voices though.