Pixie Dust needed: cruising after loss

[thinkoflaura]

In a couple months, we'll be sailing on the Magic again... exactly one year since our last family Disney cruise... that one was aboard the Wonder in Alaska. 7 nights, we were celebrating my parents' 50th anniversary. My husband, daughter and I treated my parents as well as my sister, brother in law and their two kids to the trip.

My parents' health was rocky before the trip, but it was my mom we were most worried about in the days leading up to the cruise. Surprisingly though, it was dad who got sick the day after we set sail... he's diabetic and basically an infection in his foot had gone undetected, and things declined pretty fast. We didn't know what was up, but he wasn't himself, wasn't eating (DEFINITELY not like him!) and about 3-4 days in, in Juneau, at the recommendation of the ship doctor, my husband took him to the ER. They never got back on the boat. Dad (with DH) was airlifted from Juneau to Anchorage (where there was a more equipped hospital). At the time we didn't know how serious it was OR what our travel insurance would pay for, so the rest of the family stayed onboard, disembarked in vancouver, and flew back to Los Angeles to get mom home. My sister, daughter and I then flew to Anchorage (with the intent to join DH and coordinate with the travel insurance/hospital to transport dad back to LA), but dad passed away 12 hours after we got there.

Dad was the one who wanted to go to Alaska... but it's my mom who is happiest aboard ANY Disney ship period. In fact, the day "before Juneau," I announced to my parents, "I'm booking our next cruise today... who wants to come to Europe next summer?" Ever the optimist, mommy said, "I do!" Dad though, who was sicker than we realized, shook his head and said, "I need a break."

So now it's upon us... the trip we planned to take without him, but never imagined it would be because he was no longer around, you know? Mom, DH, DD and I had done a cruise like this w/o him before, so we know what to expect -- one accessible cabin for the 4 of us, we'll drag mom out for a few easy ports, but like I said, she's perfectly happy staying on the near-empty ship, using her scooter to get around, flirting with the cute cast members in the dining room and at the cove cafe. But now that I'm finally starting to focus on planning, etc., I'm an emotional wreck.

I called DCL today to request that we are not seated with anyone at dinner, that we have our own table for 4. They were very understanding and made that note, but I completely lost it on the phone. I think there's a lot of unresolved pain (and shock) about what happened. Suddenly being on the ship without dad/DH was surreal and agonizing. Our servers cried with us, I'm sure mostly because they missed their own families so much.... We were at a giant table (to accommodate the 9 of us) so they took the extra chairs away and spread us out there wouldn't be two empty places. The guest services team was amazing, too... a lot of checking up on us, giving us unlimited wifi for all the emails/internet calls to the insurance company, dh and the hospital. We tried to go to the shows, but every reference to wishes and dreams cut so deep. Sheesh, I am hysterical just typing this, I can only imagine what it's going to be like sitting in the theater when, during Disney Dreams, Tinker Bell sprinkles pixie dust on the ship....

I guess I am writing this now because I need to fortify myself for what's in store. I want to be cried out or at least at peace before we get on the ship June 18th. I want my mom to be able to laugh and flirt and eat mickey bars and take pictures with princesses without crying... or at least without ME CRYING. I want DH to have a freakin' vacation since his last cruise imploded as he was the one to take my dad to the Juneau ER... I want my daughter to be like the other 11 year olds and run around and make memories. I am usually the "planner" for these trips, so even if this cloud wasn't hanging over us, they'd be looking to me for direction. This time, I really feel like they're also going to be looking to me for strength or comfort and to set the tone... does that make sense?

Anyway, I don't have many people to talk to about all this... at least no one who really understands how a family could even consider going back on a Disney cruise after what happened on our last one a year ago. Here, I'm hoping that makes sense to some of you... DCL IS OUR HAPPY PLACE. My dad wouldn't want to think he ruined that for us, especially not for my mom. But I gotta get my emotions in check before we set sail. Somehow.

 

[Ravenne]

First, I am so sorry for your loss.

I admire your, and your family's strength through it all, and I hope that your upcoming cruise will be filled with happiness, magic, and wonderful memories that will reignite the joy and fun that is cruising, and cruising with DCL. Go back to your happy place. Best wishes and pixie dust to you.

 

[Pkltm]

First off I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine how hard that cruise must of been.

DFIL loved WDW, when he passed he actually had it in his will for us all to go back, we have not gone yet as a group, as his mother is in poor health and we all can't leave at the same time. I know when we do, he would want us to enjoy ourselves and now be sad.

While I didn't know your dad, I am sure he would want you all to enjoy the trip and be happy. I would still honour him in a way that would mean something to your family.

I know you have quite the task ahead of you, and this will be very emotional, but if it is what is right for your family it is what you should do. Any vacation could feel insurmountable at this time, at lest you know DCL has things you will all enjoy and wilnindeatand many of your needs.

 

[sweetpee_1993]

Your dad looks like he's quite the character!

So very sorry for your loss and all that goes with that. Sending hope for peace, clarity, and comfort.

I haven't lost a parent but I did lose my big brother, my only sibling, 16 months ago. In all honesty, I was closer to my brother than I've ever been to my parents. It's the most profound grief I've ever personally endured. It does not ease in time. I guess I get better at carrying it on a daily basis. Losing him has changed me forever in ways I don't think I'm even aware of. Tears are still more days than not. I come across new milestone things all the time that deepen the wound. But, you know, it's grief and there's no right or wrong with it. We each will bear it in our own ways which is completely okay. So first and foremost I just want to hug you and assure you that the consuming emotions, the surfacing of new layers of it all over time, its not just you. You are not alone with it.

My brother and I were both Disney kids. We started out as babies/toddlers at WDW and Disney was our grab-bag of happy memories our whole life. Trips with our parents (during the years they were divorced). Being in the parks with our grandparents. We took our kids together. We did Disney cruises together. All those wonderful memories that I wouldn't give back for anything. In fact, my only regrets are the trips not taken for dumb reasons. Missed opportunities. I'd give anything for one more but then I know one more would never be enough. I've always been eat-up with the wanderlust. Travel was in my bones. Planning trip after trip, cooking up the next plot, it was always the thing I did. But, after my brother died I lost myself in the dense fog of it all. For quite a while I didn't care if I never went anywhere ever again. I just couldn't imagine it. I went on a non-Disney trip he was supposed to join us on last May (6 months after he passed) for my youngest son's graduation. I had some pretty intense moments when the flood-gates opened. I just had to let it come and wash over. It's part of the process for me. Took my first Disney cruise after at 10 months. Again, there were those moments. I can tell you after each trip I felt like I had grown or evolved in my grieving. I'm not sure how to explain it exactly. It felt good to relive the memories. It felt good to be back where we would've been together. A relief in a way? Maybe a little lifting of some of the dense fog? Perhaps it was just remembering or reconnecting with my own sense of self after being so ripped apart inside. Either way, healing happened.

Mostly I'm really private with my tears. I almost never let it really go in front of anyone. Not anyone. The one who does catch it on very rare occasions is my husband. As you can imagine, there is a constant concerted effort not to upset my mother. I try really hard to shield her from my grief because, as a mom, I cannot fathom hers. I think I don't like to burden others with my grief, though. I feel like it's mine to bear and nobody can change that. That's what I kinda got from when you said you don't want to upset your mom. Girl, I KNOW. I can imagine if it's your mom you're thinking of how you'd feel if you lost your husband and you're empathizing with her. I cannot even begin to know what it's like to lose one of my children at any age. My mom cries enough. She suffers immeasurably. I don't want her to deal with my mess. But, now that I think about it, I'd rather my momma cry with me than by herself. So maybe I should think about that.

You're going to go on your cruise. If not this one maybe another but eventually that first is going to come. All the firsts. Experiencing all the things will be bittersweet. Remembering will be such a double-edged sword: good times and laughs mixed with mourning what was lost. For me, it's a necessary part of the grieving and healing. Remembering carries our lost loved ones forward with us and keeps them present in our todays. The tears are just us missing them. Personally, I don't want my brother's absence to ever not break my heart. That would mean I forgot. I never ever want to forget. How blessed am I to have had a bubba so immeasurable that his absence takes my breath away. Every. Day. For the rest of my days.

I hear my brother all the time, his message, the words he used to say so much they were practically cliche: "Make the memories. It's all about the memories." He'd say time isn't promised. Don't put anything off. He lived every day fully. He died at just 43 but he left nothing on the table in his short life.

So for your cruise and every opportunity to go & do after: Go. Find your way. Embrace every moment, good or bad, as if there won't be another. Live so that your dad lives in you. Time is never enough and tomorrows are never promised.

I'll surely be right where you are in May when we take my boys back on a Disney ship & to WDW for the first time since their hero left this life. Last time they were at the Hampton in Cocoa Knuckle Jerry coaxed them out in the rain so he could teach them to surf. Last time they were on the Fantasy Knuckle Jerry was there getting all the shenanigans rolling. Disney World? Yeah, he was their riding buddy & comic relief. He'd haul the boys off away from us to give us alone-time but I think he really was just enjoying being a kid with them. The tales they used to tell of adventures with Uncle Jerry. He was always the mischievous one. Literally I'd have to sit my older brother down and lecture him about how this or that was irresponsible and he had to be a grown-up. LOL! My boys are 19 & 21 now but the absence of their larger-than-life hero uncle is very profound. He's why they asked us for this trip. They asked to stay at the same hotels and go to the same places. I know they will have moments. I will, too. We'll do it together and we'll get each other through. We'll celebrate the good times and make new memories together. There truly is nothing else we can do but to go and do these things. My brother would've wanted it. He would expect no less. So we do the things to honor him and live so that he does.

And next January when I take my parents to WDW...oh my will that be brutal. I haven't been to Disney with my parents since I was a kid. Mom used to go with my brother to help with his daughters. It's going to be tough for her but I also think it'll be good. I want to be there. Jerry lectured and fussed and poured the guilt on for years for me to get Mom to go with me. January will be the trip he wanted us to have. I'll be right there where you will be with your mom & family.

I just can't tell you enough how much I understand. I really, really do. You are so not alone. Feel free to convo me anytime. I don't mind at all.

 

[sweetpee_1993]

Oh! And maybe a suggestion! Hubby had me order a blown-glass pendant that the glass artist will incorporate a tiny portion of my brother's ashes in. To date I've sprinkled little bits in various places in the Caribbean, Florida (ocean, not parks!) & the Bahamas. As much as I travel it makes more sense to carry him in a glass pendant. So I'm going to have this pendant I can wear or carry when I travel. I can take it in the ocean. I can take him everywhere. If maybe you have something of your dad's you can carry, something small. That's my suggestion. I know it makes me feel good knowing I've brought my brother in some small physical form. Maybe that's something you can do, too.

 

[thinkoflaura]

thank you all for your support.

It felt good to relive the memories. It felt good to be back where we would've been together. A relief in a way? Maybe a little lifting of some of the dense fog? Perhaps it was just remembering or reconnecting with my own sense of self after being so ripped apart inside. Either way, healing happened.

Sweetpee -- wow. thank you. this line (above) was at the same time mystifying and ultra-clear. Yes. I get that. I hope for that.

My parents live(d) with us in a little granny flat behind our house. Everything there is still pretty much the same. Mom is only now talking about maybe getting rid of his giant, ugly recliner so she could make room for a chair of her own. I think because that environment hasn't changed, we all kind of go around (in denial... in the fog), imagining him in the next room... he'd be watching "Bones" reruns in his ugly recliner while mom would watch HGTV in her room. But I think with all the reminders on the ship of that completely insane, surreal experience, we'll be feeling his absence more there because that was the last place we truly saw him and the first place we desperately missed him.

thank you for sharing your story, empathy and kindness. i feel it. and i think your brother and my dad would have shared a laugh if they ever were to have met.

xo

 

[gismo1554]

Firstly, you are stronger than you think you are! Even the fact you are doing this cruise is testament to your resilience. Yes it is going to be hard and you are probably going to cry at least once but you need to remember that its OK to cry. If anything this cruise will be a release and a moving on moment as it will be the end of what I can only imagine was the most difficult time you have been through. Part of that has to be the emotion and unfortunately you can't control that.

What you do need to do is have a plan of how to deal with the emotion. If you let it overwhelm you then you will not get the peace you need and deserve. Whether that's taking photos with you of your father to look at and remind yourself that you are doing this for him too or something else that you can channel your thoughts into then that's always a good thing.

I love the idea of sprinkling a little bit of him somewhere but that's one of those things I would want to do I think anyway. Also maybe thinking about something personal you could do as a family at some point as well that could be just sitting and having a drink to him.

I am truly sorry for your loss and thinking about you. I remember reading something about this at the time and its just one of the saddest things that can happen. Unfortunately you can never predict what is going to happen and the only thing you can hold on to is that he wanted to go on this trip so now its up to all of you to take him with you. x x x

 

[clten]

Very sorry for your loss and will be sending lots of pixie dust your way. I recently lost my father as well and every day can still be a struggle especially since it seems you were like me and would see your dad on a regular/daily basis. I think of the things my father taught me and how he lived his life. He certainly wouldn't want to be the one to keep us from enjoying things that had brought him joy in life - like being with family and cruising. So if your father was anything like mine, he'd want you to find the joy in the cruise. It's inevitable that you will reflect on the last cruise and have sadness in remembering what you have lost, no matter how much your try to prepare yourself ahead of time. But maybe you should plan on a special memorial to him - did you have any traditions the first day or two? It might be freeing to everyone to have a period that will be reflective of your father and allow everyone to release some of the sadness together so that you might spend the rest of the cruise recalling the happy memories and creating new ones.

 

[lanejudy]

I'm so sorry for your loss @thinkoflaura I remember your post last year.

I'm sure it's been a difficult year for your family as you spent the first holidays without him. It sounds like your dad love life and enjoyed time with family. I'm sure he would want you to continue with your planned cruise this summer and not have the experience diminished by his absence. Take him with you in your hearts and you know he is always near. There's nothing wrong with feeling sadness, and when that happens turn the tears into a smile with a happy memory.

Enjoy your cruise!

 

[Msmit002]

There really isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. I just wanted to send a hug your way and wish you the very best on your cruise. Enjoy making new memories and remembering the ones already made.

 

[GoofyLovingFamily]

Sorry for your loss.

 

[quickcat]

I agree with the poster who said
enjoy making new memories and remembering the ones you already made
I remember your story, it brought a tear to my eye then as it does now.

 

[mevelandry]

First of all: Sorry for your loss.

You will most likely be emotional... And it's okay. Losing someone you love is hard and all the "firsts" without them are the worst... But it's also part of the grieving process.

The trip is not until a couple of months so I suggest you take the time you have until then not to focus too much of the cruise and/or healing in time for the cruise... but to focus on your grief. Tears need to be shed.

May you all find peace and happiness in your new life.

 

[FigmentSpark]

I remember when you posted your very sad news last year. I've thought of you and your family often since then and said some prayers for you. I think you will feel your father's loss and the memories will be strong. I don't think that's a bad thing, though. In a way, it will keep your father with you on the ship. Take the time for mourning and processing your feelings. Don't be afraid to talk about him, but make sure to talk about the joy and happy times with him, not just about the loss and sadness. Your father got to see something he wanted. How much more would the pain of loss have been if he hadn't had that chance?

All the best to you. I hope you have a wonderful cruise.

 

[thumpie's mom]

My deepest sympathies for you and your family.

 

[undertheradar]

 

[Maggie'sMom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had grand wisdom to give but I don't have anything more than what's already been given. Focus on making new memories. It will be hard at times, but when it gets hard, it's okay to cry.

 

[nycdisneygal]

I remember what happened- you posted about it - it made me so sad for you. I am so very sorry. It will be hard but I think ultimately, with some sadness, you will have a great time and make wonderful memories to cherish with your mom, your wonderful daughter. and your DH.
sending lots of hugs to you.

I am taking my parents on DCL alaska this summer- my dad just turned 70 and i want him to enjoy a great vacation......

 

[Paula Sedley-Burke]

Sorry for your loss. I really hope you, your Mom , DH and DD and your Dad looking down on you have a glorious cruise. Good idea to get a table to yourselves.

 

[gomagic]

So sorry for your loss. There will be times of sadness because you dad is not there but cherish and make memories of a lifetime with your mom. Personally, I lost my mom, who was also my best friend and travel partner in February 2015 as the result of a very unexpected and extremely rare illness. She loved DCL and all things about it and we had enjoyed 13 Disney cruises together. Five weeks after her passing, I was faced with the tough task of going on my cruise without her....one that she was booked to go on with me. Stepping on the ship knowing she would never be joining me again was heartbreaking, but the crew was so kind and compassionate especially those who knew my mom personally.