What are you talking about? The OP asked how I was raised. What does an Indigo have to do with me & the way my parents raised us in the 60's & 70's
My parents raised 3 successful children what is your problem?
Question for anyone over 30
- Thread starter lovemygoofy
- Start date
What are you talking about? The OP asked how I was raised. What does an Indigo have to do with me & the way my parents raised us in the 60's & 70's
My parents raised 3 successful children what is your problem?
I'm 34, and the oldest of 2.
My parents always told me that all they ever had to do was look at me funny and I would quit acting up. I was expected to have good grades and to stay out of trouble, which I did. I graduated #1 out of 38 in my grade school class and #19 out of 400 in high school. I was in honors classes, but my parents never let that go to my head. I wasn't "special", I was performing up to their expectations. I didn't know that not everyone was an honors student til after college...
I played softball and my parents were at every game, but they never questioned my coaches or tried to interfere. If I didn't play well, my dad and I would practice. We had 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place - not everyone was a winner. Sometimes you lost, didn't mean you were a "loser". It made us want to try harder.
I haven't read the whole other "indigo kid" thread, but I really don't believe that kids are born a certain way - yes they have personalities, but I have a hard time believing they are born entitled and adverse to authority.
I was raised to believe that my behavior was a reflection of my parents, and I still believe that today. Now, my years in Social Work have opened my eyes to kids who seemingly had great heard starts but turned out a little "off", and it's a large part of the reason I don't want kids, but I do think that the parents are the greatest influence on a child.
My parents were my parents, never my friends.
My parents always told me that all they ever had to do was look at me funny and I would quit acting up. I was expected to have good grades and to stay out of trouble, which I did. I graduated #1 out of 38 in my grade school class and #19 out of 400 in high school. I was in honors classes, but my parents never let that go to my head. I wasn't "special", I was performing up to their expectations. I didn't know that not everyone was an honors student til after college...
I played softball and my parents were at every game, but they never questioned my coaches or tried to interfere. If I didn't play well, my dad and I would practice. We had 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place - not everyone was a winner. Sometimes you lost, didn't mean you were a "loser". It made us want to try harder.
I haven't read the whole other "indigo kid" thread, but I really don't believe that kids are born a certain way - yes they have personalities, but I have a hard time believing they are born entitled and adverse to authority.
I was raised to believe that my behavior was a reflection of my parents, and I still believe that today. Now, my years in Social Work have opened my eyes to kids who seemingly had great heard starts but turned out a little "off", and it's a large part of the reason I don't want kids, but I do think that the parents are the greatest influence on a child.
My parents were my parents, never my friends.
tngramma
<font color=magenta>Gramma of 7<br><font color=dar
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2007
I am over 50 and raised by both parents. Mother was a SAHM and would not have thought of going to work outside the home. When I was born I had a bother 16, sister 14 and a sister 11 and I was a spoiled brat. But Mother still ran the show. She is 89 and still tell me what to do and I do it. 
Seriously, we lived in a small town and every body knew everybody else. If you acted up anywhere your parents knew about it then you were really in big trouble. We played outside all day in the summer and just came in to eat.
Things were different and much slower paced. But we would never never sass or back talk our parents. But neither do my grandchildren either. Not all children are being raised to be "hellions". Most parents are doing the best they can. Today children tell parents they will call 911 if they spank them. If I had told my Mother I was calling 911 on her I would have needed them when they got there.
Seriously, we lived in a small town and every body knew everybody else. If you acted up anywhere your parents knew about it then you were really in big trouble. We played outside all day in the summer and just came in to eat.
Things were different and much slower paced. But we would never never sass or back talk our parents. But neither do my grandchildren either. Not all children are being raised to be "hellions". Most parents are doing the best they can. Today children tell parents they will call 911 if they spank them. If I had told my Mother I was calling 911 on her I would have needed them when they got there.
HugsForEeyore
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2000
I am pushing 40, and I can only say that my parent's approach to raising kids is best described as "social darwinism". They gave birth to us, they put food on the table, they provided beds to sleep. And everything beyond that, we were expected to do ourselves! They were physically there, but their whole style was "distant". No idea why. 
They would never encourage anything, so therefore I never played a single sport, and had absolutely no activities in high school. When I tried to figure out what college to go to, I had not one single adult in my life to encourage me or guide me, so I applied to only to 2 nearby state schools since they were the only ones I knew about. I remember I had pretty crappy clothes since I didn't know what to buy, and no one would help. My parents saw many things as "not their responsibility" - like braces (which I desperatedly needed) or going to the doctor (they stopped taking me at age 14). Their total "hands-off" approach did me no good, as I floundered for a long time.
My parents had no "mama/papa bear" instinct at all. I was teased for years by bullies at school, and no one did a thing. My parents knew, but did nothing - it was my problem. Pretty awful feeling for a kid to know there was no one who would try to protect you.
Where it came to teachers - the teacher was ALWAYS right. The thought was absolutely ridiculous that our parents would help or defend us with a problem with a teacher. You are on your own.
The weirdest thing about my parents is that they never once touched me (or my siblings) as a kid (well, after the baby stage, I guess!). No hugs, no kisses, not even a slap on the back. Nothing. The first hug I ever got was from a friend in college, and I almost freaked out! I never felt one before!
So when I see kids nowadays as the "center of the universe", with parents who will do anything for them, it just blows my mind. I think I envy them a little. My family made it clear that we were on our own, and no one would defend us or encourage us. Weird.
They would never encourage anything, so therefore I never played a single sport, and had absolutely no activities in high school. When I tried to figure out what college to go to, I had not one single adult in my life to encourage me or guide me, so I applied to only to 2 nearby state schools since they were the only ones I knew about. I remember I had pretty crappy clothes since I didn't know what to buy, and no one would help. My parents saw many things as "not their responsibility" - like braces (which I desperatedly needed) or going to the doctor (they stopped taking me at age 14). Their total "hands-off" approach did me no good, as I floundered for a long time.
My parents had no "mama/papa bear" instinct at all. I was teased for years by bullies at school, and no one did a thing. My parents knew, but did nothing - it was my problem. Pretty awful feeling for a kid to know there was no one who would try to protect you.
Where it came to teachers - the teacher was ALWAYS right. The thought was absolutely ridiculous that our parents would help or defend us with a problem with a teacher. You are on your own.
The weirdest thing about my parents is that they never once touched me (or my siblings) as a kid (well, after the baby stage, I guess!). No hugs, no kisses, not even a slap on the back. Nothing. The first hug I ever got was from a friend in college, and I almost freaked out! I never felt one before!
So when I see kids nowadays as the "center of the universe", with parents who will do anything for them, it just blows my mind. I think I envy them a little. My family made it clear that we were on our own, and no one would defend us or encourage us. Weird.
Dh is like this, his parents were very young when he was born (I dont know if that had anything to do with it) and he is not affectionate to our children well if he had his way he wouldn't be but I remind him and MAKE him not be like his parents. I'll add his parents want nothing to do with their grandchildren
which is sad inself since most of my family is dead the only people beyond me and dh they have left is my dad and brother.
Southern4sure
<font color=darkorchid><marquee behavior=alternate
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2004
I'm 40 and the third oldest out of 7 kids and raised by both parents. We were not poor but money was always tight. We never signed up for extra activities like gymnastics, soccer and etc. We entertained ourselves by playing outside, hours at a time during the summer and afterschool.
I was raised in the deep south, my mom is a very strict pentecostal lady and you didnt even think of talking back, swearing or cursing. Heck, we couldnt even say pregnant. But we did have to say yes ma'am or no sir and to this day I still say ma'am or sir out of respect. My mom always was right (even though she was wrong at times) and her word was final, no ifs ands or buts. My dad worked long hours so my mom wore the pants in the house. Dad always backed mom though, still does.
We all had chores but not consistant, just whatever needed to be done that day and whoever was in the room when mom said what needed to be done. Eating out for us was going through the drive through and that was a treat.
Mom never volunteered at school, she would send in cookies or cupcakes for parties but that was it. She never had conferences with our teachers because we knew if a letter was sent home or received a phone call by a teacher, we would have to pick out our own switch and boy she let us have it. We rarely complained to our parents about school issues like bullying and etc because it didnt do any good. My parents still do not like confrontation (I didnt get this trait, I go head first into confrontation). We were told to overlook it, deal with it and move on.
We always knew our parents loved us, there was never any doubt. I know my parents did the best they could. I am today because of my strict mom and Im thankful. We didnt grow up with the "entitled" mentality or life has to be fair for everyone. We learned dissappointment was a way of life. We were raised to appreciate what we had and to work for what we wanted.
Thank you mom and dad.
I was raised in the deep south, my mom is a very strict pentecostal lady and you didnt even think of talking back, swearing or cursing. Heck, we couldnt even say pregnant. But we did have to say yes ma'am or no sir and to this day I still say ma'am or sir out of respect. My mom always was right (even though she was wrong at times) and her word was final, no ifs ands or buts. My dad worked long hours so my mom wore the pants in the house. Dad always backed mom though, still does.
We all had chores but not consistant, just whatever needed to be done that day and whoever was in the room when mom said what needed to be done. Eating out for us was going through the drive through and that was a treat.
Mom never volunteered at school, she would send in cookies or cupcakes for parties but that was it. She never had conferences with our teachers because we knew if a letter was sent home or received a phone call by a teacher, we would have to pick out our own switch and boy she let us have it. We rarely complained to our parents about school issues like bullying and etc because it didnt do any good. My parents still do not like confrontation (I didnt get this trait, I go head first into confrontation). We were told to overlook it, deal with it and move on.
We always knew our parents loved us, there was never any doubt. I know my parents did the best they could. I am today because of my strict mom and Im thankful. We didnt grow up with the "entitled" mentality or life has to be fair for everyone. We learned dissappointment was a way of life. We were raised to appreciate what we had and to work for what we wanted.
Thank you mom and dad.
I am 38. My parents were polar opposites. Mom was very laissez-faire about nearly everything EXCEPT grades. We could talk back to her, have as much junk as we wanted, roam the neighborhood when we lived in one, the woods when we lived in the country, and pick our own clothes.
Dad was, very strict. There was no talking back, or talking of any kind except to answer his questions. If something didn't go right it was because of our attitudes, no matter what (lawnmower didn't start, it rained, stuff we could not control). Grades were equal with work ethic. We were expected to work after school in the business, then on the farm in the evening and weekends and any school breaks. We worked until dark and sometimes past. We had cows, goats, chickens, geese, ducks, rabbits, horses to take care of and a HUGE garden to weed, water and harvest, an orchard that needed to be taken care of, and fields of hay to throw on the trailer and stack in the barn. We had only wood heat, so we cut wood often, stacked it, split it (I had my own hatchet), and brought it in. Despite all this we were expected to maintain high A averages in every subject. Dad also took a nap in the afternoons and there was to be not a sound. If we weren't working we were to think of how to make things better around the house or business. I remember sneaking a book down to the creek to read because he wouldn't allow the "waste of time". Discipline was swift, harsh and terrifying.
With both my parents, teachers were always right. Even when they were very very wrong.
My kids, well, firstly they are vastly different ages. My oldest though is allowed to run around the neighborhood, and they mostly play pick-up football games......he's 12. The younger isn't allowed out front unless older brother is with him and then only briefly and only our yard. He's 5. They both do say yes ma'am and yes sir. It's Texas, everyone does!
They both have things they must do around the house according to their abilities. They are self sufficient in that if they want a snack or even lunch on a weekend, they will take care of it themselves. They do get nearly everything they ask for, though they generally have to wait until birthdays or Christmas unless they buy it themselves. The older one does "extra" jobs for us for pay, and is paid for babysitting younger brother. They get far more outings and restaurant dining than I or their father did.........mine because of location and it would interfere with work, and their dad because they were so poor. They both are expected to maintain the upmost decorum at school and in public. Teachers are USUALLY right, but if something is really not feeling right, we will go to the school to find out what is happening. They are still expected to obey without question and then let us handle it. They both are VERY responsible about homework. The little one needs help with his, but he tells me when it's time to do homework. He brings books home to read and he asks to go to the library when he is finished with one. The older one does all his himself, and we USUALLY don't have issues (lately he has had some huge projects and he leaves it too long before starting). And yes, they both talk back.
I was labeled gifted and so is my oldest son. It made me different (NOT better), and caused some derision from one teacher in particular. For him, it helped him to get the best teachers and to be with other children like him, and it has helped to give him challenging classes/projects beyond what he would have had. Not so in my program. We just did "fun stuff".
Ah, I forgot organized sports. I played softball one year, hated it and never played again. I never joined the basketball team.......you only did if you were good enough and I wasn't. We had swimming lessons every summer when we stayed with our aunt in "the city". My older son has played baseball and football in organized leagues, but when he wanted to quit each, he did. He has had swimming lessons most summers. My younger has played baseball and had swimming. The younger one was in one of those everyone has a good time and gets a trophy team. My older one started that way, but as they go up it does become much more about talent and less about "feel good" stuff.........I like it that way. They have to work to be good.
Dad was, very strict. There was no talking back, or talking of any kind except to answer his questions. If something didn't go right it was because of our attitudes, no matter what (lawnmower didn't start, it rained, stuff we could not control). Grades were equal with work ethic. We were expected to work after school in the business, then on the farm in the evening and weekends and any school breaks. We worked until dark and sometimes past. We had cows, goats, chickens, geese, ducks, rabbits, horses to take care of and a HUGE garden to weed, water and harvest, an orchard that needed to be taken care of, and fields of hay to throw on the trailer and stack in the barn. We had only wood heat, so we cut wood often, stacked it, split it (I had my own hatchet), and brought it in. Despite all this we were expected to maintain high A averages in every subject. Dad also took a nap in the afternoons and there was to be not a sound. If we weren't working we were to think of how to make things better around the house or business. I remember sneaking a book down to the creek to read because he wouldn't allow the "waste of time". Discipline was swift, harsh and terrifying.
With both my parents, teachers were always right. Even when they were very very wrong.
My kids, well, firstly they are vastly different ages. My oldest though is allowed to run around the neighborhood, and they mostly play pick-up football games......he's 12. The younger isn't allowed out front unless older brother is with him and then only briefly and only our yard. He's 5. They both do say yes ma'am and yes sir. It's Texas, everyone does!
They both have things they must do around the house according to their abilities. They are self sufficient in that if they want a snack or even lunch on a weekend, they will take care of it themselves. They do get nearly everything they ask for, though they generally have to wait until birthdays or Christmas unless they buy it themselves. The older one does "extra" jobs for us for pay, and is paid for babysitting younger brother. They get far more outings and restaurant dining than I or their father did.........mine because of location and it would interfere with work, and their dad because they were so poor. They both are expected to maintain the upmost decorum at school and in public. Teachers are USUALLY right, but if something is really not feeling right, we will go to the school to find out what is happening. They are still expected to obey without question and then let us handle it. They both are VERY responsible about homework. The little one needs help with his, but he tells me when it's time to do homework. He brings books home to read and he asks to go to the library when he is finished with one. The older one does all his himself, and we USUALLY don't have issues (lately he has had some huge projects and he leaves it too long before starting). And yes, they both talk back. I was labeled gifted and so is my oldest son. It made me different (NOT better), and caused some derision from one teacher in particular. For him, it helped him to get the best teachers and to be with other children like him, and it has helped to give him challenging classes/projects beyond what he would have had. Not so in my program. We just did "fun stuff".
Ah, I forgot organized sports. I played softball one year, hated it and never played again. I never joined the basketball team.......you only did if you were good enough and I wasn't. We had swimming lessons every summer when we stayed with our aunt in "the city". My older son has played baseball and football in organized leagues, but when he wanted to quit each, he did. He has had swimming lessons most summers. My younger has played baseball and had swimming. The younger one was in one of those everyone has a good time and gets a trophy team. My older one started that way, but as they go up it does become much more about talent and less about "feel good" stuff.........I like it that way. They have to work to be good.
bumbershoot
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2007
My mom was a great mom, and a great friend.
She got married at 17 b/c she wanted to leave but her father insisted she marry her boyfriend (who was 19). They did and moved to San Francisco. I was born when she was 25, in 1969, still in San Francisco, though we quickly moved to San Jose.
We lived on a dead-end dirt road, and it was safe to play outside most of the time. At 4 my parents divorced and I was mad at her for sending my dad away, and started calling her by her name. Luckily, she was a hippie (if you hadn't guessed) and it barely bothered her.
I called her by her name from then to her death, though from the time she was diagnosed with leukemia to when she went into remission, I called her mom b/c I seemed to revert to toddlerhood...after remission I went back to normal (the drugs the doctors were giving her along with their neglect killed her shortly afterwards).
I was allowed to talk back to her if I had a different opinion. On the other hand, with my dad, I had to play the "respect" game. I found it amusing that those in my family who LEAST deserved respect DEMANDED it, while the person who didn't need the external trappings of respect was the one who deserved and got it from me, from the inside.
My paternal grandmother was one of the undeserving ones, and even though my dad was a hippie too, he was scared of his mother, and insisted we "respect" her. All of her grandchildren hated her and still do, and now that she's been dead for years we can talk about how evil she was, and how she insisted we call her 'grandmother ourlastname' and how mean she was... We were always afraid to talk about her in such a real way when she was alive, lest it get back to her and the birthday gifts of state spoons stop, LOL. OK actually her last gift to us was when I was 9 or so, and I didn't send the thank you note back fast enough...
So anyway, back to the woman who raised me...I didin't get in trouble at school. I once got my name on the board in 2nd grade and that shamed me to such a degree I never wanted to do it again (also wasn't totally my fault, and when I explained, she took my name off the board!). I was a GOOD kid. Sometimes my girl friends were a bit on the silly side, and I actually had MORE rules when I was with my friends, than when I was on a date. My senior prom, I had no curfew whatsoever...but when I was with my friends I had to be in contact with her every few hours.
I was in the gifted program until 7th grade when I noticed boys and dumbed myself down. After 10th grade when I was going insane being in "bonehead" English I bumped myself up to Honors English and History, and did better b/c it was more interesting. I was in Drama, and the naughtiest I was as a teen was one cast party when I had half a budweiser. Ooooh.
I had a friend who got drunk on vodka every day at school, and when I visited her from college she was doing cocaine on her parents' living room table (her parents were old-school hard-core "respect" demanding folks from Italy and Sicily), and I just sat and talked with her. Wasn't interested in changing other people, but wasn't usually changed by others, either.
My brother was also a good kid. Perfect attendance through school, straight As until a friend sat on his woodshop final and caused him to get a B. he wasn't in the gifted program like I was (test had changed since I took it; relied on knowledge of cartoon characters which we didn't know b/c we only watched PBS) but he did all the AP classes he could find at his huge high school in Miami after they moved after I went to college. His friends' parents used to invite him over to be a good influence on their kids. Went to Duke, degree in EE, ROTC air force, commissioned into the AF, graduated, and married inside of a month...still married 13 years later...
I do remember some enormous fights with my mom...we were the same size once I was in HS (shrimpy) and had tempers, so they sometimes went into slap-fests that we were always embarrassed about afterwards. She took me and my friends to see Duran Duran and laughed that we got a contact high in the nosebleed seats at Oakland Coliseum. She took me to see Billy Idol and we were so embarrassed at the language he used on stage. I went backstage at the last Jefferson Starship concert (before they became Starship then later Jefferson Airplane again) b/c of her connections in her past (she and Paul Kantner exchanged xmas cards until she was no longer around to do so...as a child I played in his daughter's enormous room and re-met her backstage, and it was neat to see her later as an MTV VJ even though I knew she would have had no idea who I was).
When I was in college once, in WA while she was in Miami, I was describing an attempt at a date with a guy I was friends with, and I said "blah blah blah, it was all going well and then whatever happened and it got all ****ed up." I was so incredibly ashamed that I hung up, then called back 10 minutes later after catching my breath to apologize, and she thanked me.
She was a great mom and a wonderful friend, and I miss her terribly.
Meanwhile, I now show respect to my dad for the (few) things he has done for me (paid for my wedding, which my brother and I felt was only right since it was about half of what he owed us in back child support), and I tell him how it is with other things. He had a screaming fight with my stepmom in front of my 3 year old, then came slamming back in using f-bombs telling us how they are getting divorced, and using some choice words describing his wife of almost 30 years), and I had NO fear telling DH to take DS away, and to tell my dad that he could NOT use such language in front of my boy. Then I talked to him as an adult to another adult, about his relationship, and tried to help him. I won't ever stay at his house again b/c it's so volatile, but I'll visit him, and show him respect when he deserves it, and talk to him as an adult should when he doesn't deserve respect.
Long response, but with my family situation it was long and involved!
Oh, and in my house, DS calls me by my first name. He knows I'm his mama, and knows that his papa is also Robert. I think it's a good thing for little ones to know their parents' names, for safety sake. Before he figured out that I was molly, he called me "milk", because that's the word only I responded to. At grocery stores, he'd point to Robert and say "papa", and point to me and say "that my milk". I try to keep the rules simple and safety-based, rather than arbitrary. Sometimes he'll point out that I've made a silly rule, and we're not adverse to changing a rule, with discussion about why we've changed it, if it turns out to be a silly or stupid rule. We don't now, or plan to, demand respect just b/c we're his parents; we hope to be respected b/c of who we are and what sort of parents and people we are in his life.
She got married at 17 b/c she wanted to leave but her father insisted she marry her boyfriend (who was 19). They did and moved to San Francisco. I was born when she was 25, in 1969, still in San Francisco, though we quickly moved to San Jose.
We lived on a dead-end dirt road, and it was safe to play outside most of the time. At 4 my parents divorced and I was mad at her for sending my dad away, and started calling her by her name. Luckily, she was a hippie (if you hadn't guessed) and it barely bothered her.
I called her by her name from then to her death, though from the time she was diagnosed with leukemia to when she went into remission, I called her mom b/c I seemed to revert to toddlerhood...after remission I went back to normal (the drugs the doctors were giving her along with their neglect killed her shortly afterwards).I was allowed to talk back to her if I had a different opinion. On the other hand, with my dad, I had to play the "respect" game. I found it amusing that those in my family who LEAST deserved respect DEMANDED it, while the person who didn't need the external trappings of respect was the one who deserved and got it from me, from the inside.
My paternal grandmother was one of the undeserving ones, and even though my dad was a hippie too, he was scared of his mother, and insisted we "respect" her. All of her grandchildren hated her and still do, and now that she's been dead for years we can talk about how evil she was, and how she insisted we call her 'grandmother ourlastname' and how mean she was... We were always afraid to talk about her in such a real way when she was alive, lest it get back to her and the birthday gifts of state spoons stop, LOL. OK actually her last gift to us was when I was 9 or so, and I didn't send the thank you note back fast enough...
So anyway, back to the woman who raised me...I didin't get in trouble at school. I once got my name on the board in 2nd grade and that shamed me to such a degree I never wanted to do it again (also wasn't totally my fault, and when I explained, she took my name off the board!). I was a GOOD kid. Sometimes my girl friends were a bit on the silly side, and I actually had MORE rules when I was with my friends, than when I was on a date. My senior prom, I had no curfew whatsoever...but when I was with my friends I had to be in contact with her every few hours.
I was in the gifted program until 7th grade when I noticed boys and dumbed myself down. After 10th grade when I was going insane being in "bonehead" English I bumped myself up to Honors English and History, and did better b/c it was more interesting. I was in Drama, and the naughtiest I was as a teen was one cast party when I had half a budweiser. Ooooh.
I had a friend who got drunk on vodka every day at school, and when I visited her from college she was doing cocaine on her parents' living room table (her parents were old-school hard-core "respect" demanding folks from Italy and Sicily), and I just sat and talked with her. Wasn't interested in changing other people, but wasn't usually changed by others, either.
My brother was also a good kid. Perfect attendance through school, straight As until a friend sat on his woodshop final and caused him to get a B. he wasn't in the gifted program like I was (test had changed since I took it; relied on knowledge of cartoon characters which we didn't know b/c we only watched PBS) but he did all the AP classes he could find at his huge high school in Miami after they moved after I went to college. His friends' parents used to invite him over to be a good influence on their kids. Went to Duke, degree in EE, ROTC air force, commissioned into the AF, graduated, and married inside of a month...still married 13 years later...
I do remember some enormous fights with my mom...we were the same size once I was in HS (shrimpy) and had tempers, so they sometimes went into slap-fests that we were always embarrassed about afterwards. She took me and my friends to see Duran Duran and laughed that we got a contact high in the nosebleed seats at Oakland Coliseum. She took me to see Billy Idol and we were so embarrassed at the language he used on stage. I went backstage at the last Jefferson Starship concert (before they became Starship then later Jefferson Airplane again) b/c of her connections in her past (she and Paul Kantner exchanged xmas cards until she was no longer around to do so...as a child I played in his daughter's enormous room and re-met her backstage, and it was neat to see her later as an MTV VJ even though I knew she would have had no idea who I was).
When I was in college once, in WA while she was in Miami, I was describing an attempt at a date with a guy I was friends with, and I said "blah blah blah, it was all going well and then whatever happened and it got all ****ed up." I was so incredibly ashamed that I hung up, then called back 10 minutes later after catching my breath to apologize, and she thanked me.
She was a great mom and a wonderful friend, and I miss her terribly.
Meanwhile, I now show respect to my dad for the (few) things he has done for me (paid for my wedding, which my brother and I felt was only right since it was about half of what he owed us in back child support), and I tell him how it is with other things. He had a screaming fight with my stepmom in front of my 3 year old, then came slamming back in using f-bombs telling us how they are getting divorced, and using some choice words describing his wife of almost 30 years), and I had NO fear telling DH to take DS away, and to tell my dad that he could NOT use such language in front of my boy. Then I talked to him as an adult to another adult, about his relationship, and tried to help him. I won't ever stay at his house again b/c it's so volatile, but I'll visit him, and show him respect when he deserves it, and talk to him as an adult should when he doesn't deserve respect.
Long response, but with my family situation it was long and involved!
Oh, and in my house, DS calls me by my first name.
He knows I'm his mama, and knows that his papa is also Robert. I think it's a good thing for little ones to know their parents' names, for safety sake. Before he figured out that I was molly, he called me "milk", because that's the word only I responded to. At grocery stores, he'd point to Robert and say "papa", and point to me and say "that my milk". I try to keep the rules simple and safety-based, rather than arbitrary. Sometimes he'll point out that I've made a silly rule, and we're not adverse to changing a rule, with discussion about why we've changed it, if it turns out to be a silly or stupid rule. We don't now, or plan to, demand respect just b/c we're his parents; we hope to be respected b/c of who we are and what sort of parents and people we are in his life. 
HunnyPots
DIS Veteran<br><font color=purple>The Tag Fairy is
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2001
I am 44. I am the youngest of four children. I was an "oopsie", born when my parents were around 40 and my sister and brothers were 14, 11, and 9. By the time I was 8, my sister was married and both brothers in the military so I was pretty much an only child from that point.
My parents were not strict at all, though they thought they were.
Dad was an alcoholic and mom worked constantly to try and keep rent paid and food on the table. Most of what I did went unnoticed, or at least unacknowledged.
I never played sports of any kind. I was in the band and then later in drama. My parents came to a couple of my events in high school and to my graduation. I was the only child in my family to graduate on schedule and the only one to go through the ceremony at all! I was definitely not "gifted" though. I never new anyone back then that was. I got by and that's pretty much it.
I am a much more strict and more involved parent than they ever were. My kids say 'yes ma'm, no sir' and talking back is not tolerated. I did not learn my parenting style from them, for sure! Or maybe I did; I learned to do the opposite!
My parents were not strict at all, though they thought they were
.Dad was an alcoholic and mom worked constantly to try and keep rent paid and food on the table. Most of what I did went unnoticed, or at least unacknowledged.
I never played sports of any kind. I was in the band and then later in drama. My parents came to a couple of my events in high school and to my graduation. I was the only child in my family to graduate on schedule and the only one to go through the ceremony at all! I was definitely not "gifted" though. I never new anyone back then that was. I got by and that's pretty much it.
I am a much more strict and more involved parent than they ever were. My kids say 'yes ma'm, no sir' and talking back is not tolerated. I did not learn my parenting style from them, for sure! Or maybe I did; I learned to do the opposite!
Stacerita
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 13, 2004
My parents were very over protective of me. And were strict. I always did my best to try to please them, but always felt like I was short of that goal. They expected a lot from me. And everything I did was because they expected it from me. I didn't do sports because they told me I wasn't that type of athlete. But they put me in cheer. I did that for most of my life, because I knew it made them happy. I was always afraid of dissappointing them, so I never got into trouble, always made curfew, and did exactly what they told me. For that, it took me years to find who I was and to be able to make my own decisions. I never felt like I could do things that were outside of my comfort zone, and never had any self confidence. I do now.
I was raised in a fairly strict two parent Catholic family and attended an absolutely Dickensian Catholic school.
However, my parents had far too many children, so while on one hand they were fairly strict, on the other hand, we were sort of free range. My mother, in particular, was really sick to death of children by the time she was done with having half a dozen. So, while there were lots of rules, if you put your mind to it, there were ways to avoid notice.
I've got kids in elementary school. I'm not really jumping on the handwringing wagon. In some ways I think many people are more lenient with their kids, certainly more than I am. But I also think that the kids at my dds' school are really kinder and nicer than the kids I went to school with.
However, my parents had far too many children, so while on one hand they were fairly strict, on the other hand, we were sort of free range. My mother, in particular, was really sick to death of children by the time she was done with having half a dozen. So, while there were lots of rules, if you put your mind to it, there were ways to avoid notice.
I've got kids in elementary school. I'm not really jumping on the handwringing wagon. In some ways I think many people are more lenient with their kids, certainly more than I am. But I also think that the kids at my dds' school are really kinder and nicer than the kids I went to school with.
mylightshines
Mouseketeer
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2005
Well, until I was 10 I was raised by my mother. There were definitely no boundaries for us. We did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. I remember stealing and smoking cigarettes at that young age. We walked wherever we wanted to go.
When I was 10, we were sent to live with my father, who was married to a very evil woman. We weren't even allowed to get a drink of water without asking permission. We were definitely "afraid" of our parents. I was always afraid of getting in trouble (which could happen if I sat a certain way). Our thoughts/opinions didn't matter. We weren't allowed to talk to adults or be in the same room when guests came over.
Neither of my parents ever attended any school functions or even met any of my teachers (or even knew their names). They never "helped" with homework. You were expected to do it all on your own.
In a nutshell, I grew up feeling very unloved and unwanted and have made sure my children do not feel that way.
When I was 10, we were sent to live with my father, who was married to a very evil woman. We weren't even allowed to get a drink of water without asking permission. We were definitely "afraid" of our parents. I was always afraid of getting in trouble (which could happen if I sat a certain way). Our thoughts/opinions didn't matter. We weren't allowed to talk to adults or be in the same room when guests came over.
Neither of my parents ever attended any school functions or even met any of my teachers (or even knew their names). They never "helped" with homework. You were expected to do it all on your own.
In a nutshell, I grew up feeling very unloved and unwanted and have made sure my children do not feel that way.
apirateslifeforme
The Next Mrs. Simon LeBon
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2003
I'm 33 and grew up in a "different" sort of household. My parents divorced before I was 2 years old, and my mother moved out here to CT, with her parents (we're all originally from Chicago). Mum was only 20 when she had me and I think she felt she had no place else to go. We never moved out of my grandparents' house. I only saw my father for 4 weeks each summer, from the ages of 5 to 14, when we stopped speaking.
I can't say there were any set rules, but I was forced to grow up quickly. By the time I was 6 or 7, I was expected to do a lot of chores after school, like do the laundry, start dinner, clean the bathrooms, etc. I was often told to "grow up and stop acting like a child." I always showed an interest in art and music, but I was not allowed to pursue them. However, my mother - the athlete - did sign me up for all kinds of sports, saying "We need to knock that music foolishness out of you" (I really wanted to take guitar lessons and become a professional musician). Of course, I failed miserably, having no aptitude for sports whatsoever. I was also expected to get perfect grades at school, never to get into trouble (the one time I was blamed for something not my fault, my mother refused to believe me), and if I was sick, I was not allowed to stay home.
I really did not have a happy childhood. I'm making up for lost time now.
I can't say there were any set rules, but I was forced to grow up quickly. By the time I was 6 or 7, I was expected to do a lot of chores after school, like do the laundry, start dinner, clean the bathrooms, etc. I was often told to "grow up and stop acting like a child." I always showed an interest in art and music, but I was not allowed to pursue them. However, my mother - the athlete - did sign me up for all kinds of sports, saying "We need to knock that music foolishness out of you" (I really wanted to take guitar lessons and become a professional musician). Of course, I failed miserably, having no aptitude for sports whatsoever. I was also expected to get perfect grades at school, never to get into trouble (the one time I was blamed for something not my fault, my mother refused to believe me), and if I was sick, I was not allowed to stay home.
I really did not have a happy childhood. I'm making up for lost time now.
Youarehere
<font color=blue>For ha-ha's, Dad would do a break
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2007
I had strict parents, but not helicopters. We had to be home every night for dinner, and we knew what time that was. Ignorance of time was never an excuse, if I lost track of time I was punished for being late. It was part of learning resposibility and consequesnces. On the other hand, if I came home with an injury that wasn't life threatening, I endured the peroxide and got a bandaid. If I wanted to talk about it, that was fine, but mom was not calling Sally's mom because Sally batted the ball that bashed me in the head. I should have been paying attention, been more careful or simply got "well, these things happen sometimes when you are playing. I'm sure it wasn't on purpose" and we moved on. No investigations- we just accepted it as part of being a kid. I sassed mom a few times... then spent the next week in my room staring at the walls and reading books, because it didn't have a TV. I was expected never to have a grade below a "C" (I was a "A-/B+" student), and I could not get my drivers lisence because of one low mark. I thought my mom was pure evil incarnate when I saw my "C" average frends tooling around with theirs, but I lived... and I raised my grades. They weren't perfect, but they really tried to guide without babying and set boundaries without hovering so we could learn throughout life. I think alot of that is missing these days.
Jennasis
DIS life goes on
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2000
I am 31 and grew up the middle child of 3 girls in a two parent Roman Catholic household. I have an extremely close extended family full of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We went to church on Sundays (most of the time). My parents weren't super strict with us...there was no need to (aside from the fact that we were good kids) we always knew mom and dad would just killus if we ever sassed back or got into trouble. I was moody as a pre-teen and was consequently the only one of the three who ever got a beating (for being moody). Mom liked to drag me around by my hair. By the time my little sis came around, mom was "done" parenting and basically caved under my sister's demands. My older sister and I used to goggle at the little one's behavior and were astonished that they didn't kill her like we thought they would've with us.
We were allowed out till dark to play with whomever we could find in the neighborhood and would ride our bikes miles from home (helmetless). Nobody ever worried. No cell phones. We had snow forts, and tree forts and played in the dirt. We built dirtbike tracks in the woods and pretended to be super heroes.
All of my sisters and my cousins survived to adult-hood and have kids of their own now. I find that most of them treat their kids like their parents treated them.
We were allowed out till dark to play with whomever we could find in the neighborhood and would ride our bikes miles from home (helmetless). Nobody ever worried. No cell phones. We had snow forts, and tree forts and played in the dirt. We built dirtbike tracks in the woods and pretended to be super heroes.
All of my sisters and my cousins survived to adult-hood and have kids of their own now. I find that most of them treat their kids like their parents treated them.
Chicago526
<font color=red>Any dream will do...<br><font colo
- Joined
- May 6, 2003
I'm 31. The rules of the house were:
The answer is "no" before it is "yes".
This is a dictatorship, not a democracy.
Basicly, what my parents said, went. Begging forgiveness instead of asking permision did NOT fly with them. No talking back (though you could respectfully ask the reasoning behind their answer, though we didn't always get one!). We had free run of the neighborhood as long as they had a decent idea of where we were and who we were with. Chores and homework had to be done before play/tv. Didn't have to be in activities unless we wanted to be. Good grades were expected, help with homework was available if we wanted it. Not spoiled at all, we got toys for our birthdays and Christmas, and we did not always get what we wanted either (i'm still kind of ticked I didn't get the roller skates I wanted, I wanted the kind with the boot, they gave me the ones you strap to your shoes instead!
).
All in all, while my parents weren't perfect, they did a pretty good job. My two brothers and I are happy and healthy adults, and none of us need therapy, so they got it right more often than not.
The answer is "no" before it is "yes".
This is a dictatorship, not a democracy.
Basicly, what my parents said, went. Begging forgiveness instead of asking permision did NOT fly with them. No talking back (though you could respectfully ask the reasoning behind their answer, though we didn't always get one!). We had free run of the neighborhood as long as they had a decent idea of where we were and who we were with. Chores and homework had to be done before play/tv. Didn't have to be in activities unless we wanted to be. Good grades were expected, help with homework was available if we wanted it. Not spoiled at all, we got toys for our birthdays and Christmas, and we did not always get what we wanted either (i'm still kind of ticked I didn't get the roller skates I wanted, I wanted the kind with the boot, they gave me the ones you strap to your shoes instead!
).All in all, while my parents weren't perfect, they did a pretty good job. My two brothers and I are happy and healthy adults, and none of us need therapy, so they got it right more often than not.
nuke
Life is Good
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2001
I'm just about 42 and was raised in a two parent Catholic household. My two older brothers were always in trouble and I was smart enough to pick up what not to do. 
In the summer we were let out the door at 9am and expected to be back for lunch and dinner and when the streetlights came on. We were outside running wild through the neighborhood all Summer. However everyone's mom was a SAHM and they all kept an eye on each other's kids. If we got yelled at by one mom on the block our own mother knew it before we got home!
Manners and respect for any adults were expected. Everyone's parents were Mr. and Mrs. so and so. Our close friends and neighbors were actually auntie and uncle so and so. We didn't talk back and there was no swearing. I didn't hear my mother utter a swear word until I was an adult!
I'm raising my son pretty much the same way except he doesn't have run of the neighborhood. There are no kids on our block so he only gets to do that at his friend's house.
In the summer we were let out the door at 9am and expected to be back for lunch and dinner and when the streetlights came on. We were outside running wild through the neighborhood all Summer. However everyone's mom was a SAHM and they all kept an eye on each other's kids. If we got yelled at by one mom on the block our own mother knew it before we got home!
Manners and respect for any adults were expected. Everyone's parents were Mr. and Mrs. so and so. Our close friends and neighbors were actually auntie and uncle so and so. We didn't talk back and there was no swearing. I didn't hear my mother utter a swear word until I was an adult!
I'm raising my son pretty much the same way except he doesn't have run of the neighborhood. There are no kids on our block so he only gets to do that at his friend's house.
minnieandme
<font color=deeppink>You can never have too much <
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2003
I'm 36 and grew up in a single parent household with an older brother. We were allowed to go outside but we had to be home when the street lights came on. I never played on an organized sports team, but us neighborhood kids would make our own games to play.
I knew never to talk back to my mom although I did try it one time showing off in front of my friends and got the back hand slap across my mouth. Never did that again.
When I was growing up, all the neighbor's knew which kid belong to whom and if you acted up in the streets, your parents knew about it before you got home. I actually got a spanking from my mom's friend for crossing the street, then I got another one when my mom came home from work.
When I got to HS, I just did my own thing, didn't join any teams or clubs. Just pretty much hung out with other classmates. I didn't have a label, just somewhere in the middle.
I knew never to talk back to my mom although I did try it one time showing off in front of my friends and got the back hand slap across my mouth. Never did that again.
When I was growing up, all the neighbor's knew which kid belong to whom and if you acted up in the streets, your parents knew about it before you got home. I actually got a spanking from my mom's friend for crossing the street, then I got another one when my mom came home from work.
When I got to HS, I just did my own thing, didn't join any teams or clubs. Just pretty much hung out with other classmates. I didn't have a label, just somewhere in the middle.
Feralpeg
Living and Loving Windermere!
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2000
I am 55. I was raised in a middle income, two parent household. I have an older sister and two younger brothers.
I will not say that my parents were strict, but we did have a respect factor that we did not cross. We did not sass our parents or any other adult. We did not use any type of cuss words. I can only remember being spanked once as a child. I deserved it.
We were not allowed to run wild, but there were often times when we were out playing that my mom did not know exactly where we were. I did not have a curfew when I was a teen, nor did my sister. We didn't need one because we acted responsibly. My brothers did have a curfew because they had not come home at a reasonable time on a few occasions.
We were involved in school events in which we were interested, but we were not in any way forced to do extra curricular activities. We were totally responsible for doing our own homework. My parents did not check on our homework or ask if we had any. They knew about our grades where we brought home our report cards. We were not rewarded for good grades or punished for poor grades. If we had a problem in a class, we would discuss why the situation was happening and we were expected to correct it.
We were not given an allowance. When we were young, we got new toys at Christmas and on our birthdays. We sold things like lemonade during the summer to make money for candy and comic books. When we were old enough, we worked. I did a lot of baby sitting which gave me money for movies, magazines and records. At the beginning of each school year, we got new school clothes and shoes. We did not go without anything we really needed, but we did not receive a lot of extras.
We always ate dinner as a family. We watched television together as a family until I was in my late teens. By that time, my sister and I had both saved and purchased our own little televisions and often watched shows in our rooms while we did homework.
If we had misbehaved in school, there would have been harsh consequences. School was our responsibility and we were expected to do the best we could. That does not mean having perfect grades, but it meant being respectful and trying. Kids were not divided into gifted and non in those days.
My parents treated us with respect. In turn, we treated them in the same manner. They did not cover for us or make excuses for our behavior. I'm very glad they did not. It made me a better person.
I will not say that my parents were strict, but we did have a respect factor that we did not cross. We did not sass our parents or any other adult. We did not use any type of cuss words. I can only remember being spanked once as a child. I deserved it.
We were not allowed to run wild, but there were often times when we were out playing that my mom did not know exactly where we were. I did not have a curfew when I was a teen, nor did my sister. We didn't need one because we acted responsibly. My brothers did have a curfew because they had not come home at a reasonable time on a few occasions.
We were involved in school events in which we were interested, but we were not in any way forced to do extra curricular activities. We were totally responsible for doing our own homework. My parents did not check on our homework or ask if we had any. They knew about our grades where we brought home our report cards. We were not rewarded for good grades or punished for poor grades. If we had a problem in a class, we would discuss why the situation was happening and we were expected to correct it.
We were not given an allowance. When we were young, we got new toys at Christmas and on our birthdays. We sold things like lemonade during the summer to make money for candy and comic books. When we were old enough, we worked. I did a lot of baby sitting which gave me money for movies, magazines and records. At the beginning of each school year, we got new school clothes and shoes. We did not go without anything we really needed, but we did not receive a lot of extras.
We always ate dinner as a family. We watched television together as a family until I was in my late teens. By that time, my sister and I had both saved and purchased our own little televisions and often watched shows in our rooms while we did homework.
If we had misbehaved in school, there would have been harsh consequences. School was our responsibility and we were expected to do the best we could. That does not mean having perfect grades, but it meant being respectful and trying. Kids were not divided into gifted and non in those days.
My parents treated us with respect. In turn, we treated them in the same manner. They did not cover for us or make excuses for our behavior. I'm very glad they did not. It made me a better person.
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