Received a large check

[hereyago]

Cremation isn't free. Even pers'are not obligated to pay for a burial, when ere are siblings involved sometimes it's best to consider everyone's wishes for the sake of those future relationships. Taking a hard line on something when a parent dies can damage your relationship with a sibling for years or maybe forever. That's why I suggested setting some money aside as it may be something in the future to consider paying for. Using all the money for a vacation or fun activity might become a bone of contention later. Whereas if there are no funeral or burial expenses, the money could be reallocated at that point. Why not think ahead?

The OP' husband doesnt have a relationship with his dad, so he wouldnt be involved with the final arrangements.

No cremation isnt free, but spending on the pomp and circumstance funeral is a whole lot more expensive.

If people have a relationship with their parents, my idea of thinking ahead is having frank discussions about what the parents have or need to plan for.

Some people dont want to discuss, but it isnt cute to leave your family to deal with stuff because you didnt want to think about it.

My parents thankfully thought ahead and all I had to do was make sure it was carried out.

 

[NewRVLady]

The OP' husband doesnt have a relationship with his dad, so he wouldnt be involved with the final arrangements.

.

who then, if not the kids, would pay for his funeral? even a cremation cost $$
Those not "claimed" are sent to a Pauper's plot in a city, usually.

 

[wenrob]

who then, if not the kids, would pay for his funeral? even a cremation cost $$
Those not "claimed" are sent to a Pauper's plot in a city, usually.

Why would children who have no relationship with a parent want to or even care about the estranged parent's "resting place" or what is done? I know that sounds cold but if you have a parent who has never bothered to be a parent and have not had a relationship with this person for the better part of your life why would you feel any kind of obligation to provide a funeral or make arrangements?

 

[natenapril]

We recently found out we will be receiving a sum of money and "royalty" checks for a few years from a family member who was not always nice when he was alive. We have decided to spend every penny on our kids. I want nothing to do with it but that doesn't mean the kids should be punished for something that they don't understand.

 

[hereyago]

who then, if not the kids, would pay for his funeral? even a cremation cost $$
Those not "claimed" are sent to a Pauper's plot in a city, usually.

If anyone wanted to help, fine, if not then I wouldnt begrudge them.
However, I believe it should be the responsibility of the person before they die to make those arrangements before hand.

Say the person wants a huge gala for a funeral, then that person better make sure it gets pre paid or they have "life insurance"'to cover it, because it shouldnt fall on someone else to pay.

 

[NewRVLady]

Why would children who have no relationship with a parent want to or even care about the estranged parent's "resting place" or what is done?
?

it is the FATHERS MONEY.....they are reluctant to USE IT
That is why a poster suggested putting it away just IN CASE they need to bury him-I believe there is only one other sibling who is financial 'stable"

 

[SMD]

If anyone wanted to help, fine, if not then I wouldnt begrudge them.
However, I believe it should be the responsibility of the person before they die to make those arrangements before hand.

Say the person wants a huge gala for a funeral, then that person better make sure it gets pre paid or they have "life insurance"'to cover it, because it shouldnt fall on someone else to pay.

Even a basic burial can cost thousands. It shouldn't fall on someone else to pay, but people sometimes die unexpectedly or don't leave enough to cover even a basic burial. It's easy to say I shouldn't have to pay for x or y reason, but when given a large sum of money, which siblings may not have received, it's also worth considering setting some aside to have something to contribute when final arrangements need to be made a paid for. The time to put your foot down about what the deceased should have done and which siblings should and should not contribute is not when you're trying to figure out what you're going to do with a body.

 

[wenrob]

it is the FATHERS MONEY.....they are reluctant to USE IT
That is why a poster suggested putting it away just IN CASE they need to bury him-I believe there is only one other sibling who is financial 'stable"

No, he gave the money to his son, it's no longer his. He's reluctant to cash the check because he doesn't want to establish a relationship. Tucking it away for a funeral in the future seems like a huge commitment to someone you don't want in your life. He has no obligation whatsoever to bury his father.

 

[pocomom]

Well to help settle this I have to say I don't even care what happens to MY body after I die. I mean, it's a dead body. I'll let medicine and science use what they can. I don't think we would even begin to consider paying for a funeral for him especially since we may not even find out he is passed for months or years after. I mean, who would even tell us? But he may have medical or other needs as he ages and we may be more inclined to financially help with. I don't know. It will depend on my dh's wishes.

 

[kamik86]

My DH also had no relationship with his father for years before he died. At the time that he died DH and I were engaged and had been dating for the 6 years prior, I never even met his father. I heard his voice once when he called his house and left a drunken rambling and abusive message that is all.

When he died DH and I were living together 6 hours away from home where I was going to school. I have 0 knowledge on who paid for his funeral, if there was one, and what happened to the body. All I know is we have a copy of the death certificate (every once in a while since they have the same first and last name someone tries to decide some of his old debts are DHs). Maybe DH's mom did as she was still alive then. But frankly if someone had tried to tell us it was our responsibility and DH didn't want to do it (I would leave it up to him) my response is he can rot wherever he was.

Now if something were to happen to my parents that is a complete other story. But my parents have always been there for me and for the last several years for my DH has well. I would argue for simple services for them because that is who my parents are (where the other sibling I have that would probably be able to contribute money tends to like bigger events) but would definitely be helping.

 

[littleblackegg]

I have had this situation occur with my mother's second husband. The money he offered me was never amends. Everything with him is a mine field to be traversed. I never accepted it because I knew he would try to manipulate me. I think these situations are very individual. I suspect your husband doesn't want to deal with it because he doesn't want this guy in his life. It's perfectly acceptable to remove toxic people from our lives, even a sib or a parent. If it was me, I wouldn't accept it. Everyone has their own threshold of pain and suffering, so whatever you decide will be appropriate.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have had this situation occur with my mother's second husband. The money he offered me was never amends. Everything with him is a mine field to be traversed. I never accepted it because I knew he would try to manipulate me. I think these situations are very individual. I suspect your husband doesn't want to deal with it because he doesn't want this guy in his life. It's perfectly acceptable to remove toxic people from our lives, even a sib or a parent. If it was me, I wouldn't accept it. Everyone has their own threshold of pain and suffering, so whatever you decide will be appropriate.

I agree, and no matter what is said, there are always strings attached. My DH got "stuck" going to court for physical custody of his mother, who he absolutely detested and had no relationship with. You just never know what you will find yourself "needing" to do when the time comes. For my DH, he needed to do what he considered the right thing to do, no matter how it affected him, and so we did what he needed to do for his own conscience. I cannot imagine what her would have felt had there been money involved! Ten times worse the pain I think.

 

[aristocatz]

I would either deposit it & save it for my kids or I would donate it to a charity fthat helps provide safety to battered women & their children.

 

[PollyannaMom]

So my DH had a very physically abusive childhood. His dad walked out when he was 13 and while they struggled to even have enough to eat , it may have been the best thing for them. He and one other sibling managed to find success and happiness in life, while the others struggle with substance abuse, law enforcement issues, losing their children etc.
Dh's father called last year (after nearly 40 years) and apologized and my DH was cordial, accepted apology on the surface but hasn't responded to any other contact.
Dh 's father was a soldier and dh knows he had mental health issues which contributed to his abusive behavior, but it doesn't mean he wants him in his life.
So we got a Christmas card today, with a large (and random) amount in the form of a cashiers check. DH doesn't want to deal with it, and told me to do whatever I think is right with it.
I don't believe DH's father has this kind of money to give. If it were a regular check, we wouldn't cash it, and would have written a note to let him know.
I imagine it is another way for DH'S father to try to establish contact and to apologize. For my DH this just opens wounds.
I certainly could find use for the money, either for our kids or some charity, but perhaps there is some cause or something where it could also bring my dh some peace. Also wondering about an appropriate way to respond to DH's father. I know he is older now and has many regrets, but some wounds can't be healed, at least enough for a relationship.I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to encourage him either.

For me, this kind of thing would have to be decided by "the principle of least regret". Figure out what course of action has the most potential to cause your DH regret, and do the opposite.

I can't say for 100% sure, because thankfully I was never abused as a child. But I'd like to think I would be able to blame the war experiences for what happened, and see the reaching out now as sincere. I think I would regret it far more if an old man died without ever meeting his grandchildren than if I made contact and it was awkward.

I would probably accept the gift with sincere thanks, make some happy memories with it to overshadow the bad ones, and respond tentatively but positively if there are more attempts at communication.

 

[mefordis]

For those who would donate it - it doesn't matter what you do with it. If you keep it rather than sending it back, you accepted the gift. I feel if money is accepted, strings are always attached. Money and family do not mix. The only exception is if that person is deceased and willed money or property to you.

If a continued relationship is desired, I'd keep the money. If not, send it back.

 

[Nancyg56]

For me, this kind of thing would have to be decided by "the principle of least regret". Figure out what course of action has the most potential to cause your DH regret, and do the opposite.

I can't say for 100% sure, because thankfully I was never abused as a child. But I'd like to think I would be able to blame the war experiences for what happened, and see the reaching out now as sincere. I think I would regret it far more if an old man died without ever meeting his grandchildren than if I made contact and it was awkward.

I would probably accept the gift with sincere thanks, make some happy memories with it to overshadow the bad ones, and respond tentatively but positively if there are more attempts at communication.

For my husband, every "guft" even those bonds that we were gifted with at our wedding reopened old wounds. After his mother passed away he recieved more bonds that she had purchased, as well as an inheritance. And again, those woulds were ripped wide open. WIth the inheritance, he cashed the check and used it to finance a blowout trip for my family and our little family friends down the street at the Grand, and made sure his sister knew the money was on us, (he is beyond furious with her and knew this woudl make her crazy) but that was the only way he could accept the money The bonds still sit.... If it was me, I'd cash them and use them on the family, but he cannot yet, so I just let it go.

His mother thought he was okay with her when she died because i was her caregiver and purposefully led her to believe that he and his brother were not angry any longer, but nothing could be futher from the truth. Some woulds are so deep that they never eally heal and any money gifted is blood money.

FWIW, if DH and I had had children together we woudl not have kept his mother from them. She was a much better Gram than a mother, but since she chose not to accept me or my children, she lost out on the best set of Gands that she could ver have been gifted with. DH still is hurt she woudl not accept the children he raised and loved as his own with all his huge heart

 

[littleblackegg]

For my husband, every "guft" even those bonds that we were gifted with at our wedding reopened old wounds. After his mother passed away he recieved more bonds that she had purchased, as well as an inheritance. And again, those woulds were ripped wide open. WIth the inheritance, he cashed the check and used it to finance a blowout trip for my family and our little family friends down the street at the Grand, and made sure his sister knew the money was on us, (he is beyond furious with her and knew this woudl make her crazy) but that was the only way he could accept the money The bonds still sit.... If it was me, I'd cash them and use them on the family, but he cannot yet, so I just let it go.

His mother thought he was okay with her when she died because i was her caregiver and purposefully led her to believe that he and his brother were not angry any longer, but nothing could be futher from the truth. Some woulds are so deep that they never eally heal and any money gifted is blood money.

FWIW, if DH and I had had children together we woudl not have kept his mother from them. She was a much better Gram than a mother, but since she chose not to accept me or my children, she lost out on the best set of Gands that she could ver have been gifted with. DH still is hurt she woudl not accept the children he raised and loved as his own with all his huge heart

His mother thought he was okay with her when she died because i was her caregiver and purposefully led her to believe that he and his brother were not angry any longer, but nothing could be futher from the truth. What? Am I reading this incorrectly?

 

[Lisaloo]

My husband would never saddle me with making his decision without him. It's his family and he needs to handle it.

 

[Nancyg56]

His mother thought he was okay with her when she died because i was her caregiver and purposefully led her to believe that he and his brother were not angry any longer, but nothing could be futher from the truth. What? Am I reading this incorrectly?

I am so inarticulate! Buddy's mom was a nightmare. He and his brother were estranged from her for many years but when her health was dire and she needed protection. Bud stepped in to have physical custody assigned to him so he could provide proper health care. I was her caregiver though, and when his mom would talk about the past and how things were I let her believe that her sons were not angry any longer. They knew as did the social worker. I knew how horrible her behavior was, but no matter that, I could not let her die thinking her sons hated her. I will say that period was rough for Buddy. The wounds she inflicted on him were opened again, and yet he continued to support her because she was his mother. To this day though he wants nothing that came from her.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your DH has to give you some guidance here as to what to do.

What will accepting this money do? Will it make his father think that he wants him back in his life? If so, I would tread carefully with doing that.

Down the road, if the other sibs find out DH got a sizable check from Dad and they didn't, will that create more animosity? What are the sibling relaitonsips like now? Are they close? or are they cordial but distant?

If you kept it to potentially use to bury Dad at some later date, would you be able to keep that secret if you didn't want the suibs to nkow about the money? I'm picturing Dad has died and your DH says "I have some money saved so we can bury him". Will he be able to say that without adding "it was money he gave me a long time ago?" And if you save it for that purpose and dad dies and there's plenty of money to bury him, would DH then be ab;e to spend it or use it in some way?

There's lots to think about with this situation and I agree with the PP who said that DH needs to be involved in the decision-making process. If he can't, then perhaps some counselling for him is in order because as much as he's made a success of his life, it doesn't sound like he's actually "dealt" with his childhood and the trauma it may have caused him.