Separating Finances when Married

[lucyem]

OP, before you change the whole system, I have to ask if your DH understands your overall financial position? Many years ago we found ourselves having to really budget in between jobs etc. DH only saw the end results and not our monthly bills. He kept telling me to stop spending money. I said fine, here is the checkbook and you do it. After a month he finally understood how much food cost and electricity and cable etc etc. I was back to being the bill payer but now I had a spouse who understood our position better and stopped complaining I was spending all the money. Maybe in your case it would help your DH understand the whole picture and maybe he can then decide how much he will spend each week. That way he feels in control and maybe can stop resenting you for the "allowance".

 

[3happydancers]

Us too (except the debt free part, but we do have a very nice net worth due to 401 and other investments). Married 33 years, all joint. As I always tell people, either you're all in or you're not. All income is "our" income just as all bills are "our" bills. This applied to the years I was a SAHM also. My friend who has separate accounts always complains because her DH makes twice what she does but she still has to pay about 1/2 the bills. But, that said, she allowed this from day one when they were living together. She needs a new car and he's encouraging her to buy one, but she's hesitating because she knows it will come out of "her" money. He recently retired from the AF as a LtCol so he has that income on top of his current job which means he has lots of discretionary income. I told my DH if her DH wants her to get a new car, he should buy it for her. I do think there are ramifications that people forget about when accounts are completely separate, including what was mentioned above with access by the spouse.

As to the "allowance" issue... I have always paid the bills. I take out a set amount each week for pocket money and give DH his share. Beyond that, neither of us spends more than about $75-100 without telling the other. It's out of respect (not control) plus it prevents one of us overdrawing an account accidentally especially close to the end of a pay period. Almost every couple I know, one pays all the bill, manages the money and gives the spouse an "allowance".

This exactly especially the part about respect rather than control. At least for us, we see our finances as a joint responsibility.

 

[nene0182]

We have separate accounts and always have though we are on each others accounts if needed and have access but we don't use each others accounts and I couldn't tell you the balance in his. He doesn't have access to my business account though but is listed as a beneficiary if anything was to happen. We have split our bills according to our income and both of us contribute to our retirement accounts and savings before it's ever deposited. So, whatever is left is left to do what we want with. We had both been on our own for so long, neither one of us could see completely combining our finances. He's more of a spender while I'm a saver/deal person so it works for us.

 

[Sunnywho]

DH feels very restricted this way (like he gets an allowance) and I admit that I do the budget to the penny. I have always asked him what he needs for the week for gas and spending money, he tells me, I budget it, and he overspends anyway. I try to use the cash system, which works great for ME, but he spends all of his cash then goes to the ATM, which defeats the purpose. sigh.

My only thought is to first try doubling or tripling the amount he gets for spending money before you try separating the finances. Or hear how much he thinks he wants, but set aside how much you know from experience that he actually spends. This probably requires cutting back on other things and it means he gets treats that you don't get, which feels unfair but eventually it balances out. My husband is a spender and I am a saver and we have had similar problems, but I wouldn't want to separate the finances. It's better for us to have a budget and build a cushion into it for what might seem to be to be wasteful spending on his part.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Holy moly, your DH makes an "incredible" income, yet if he spends money on something you deem unworthy, you cut up his credit card?!

I can't imagine the screeching that would be going on if a husband said he did the same to his wife and she had to account for every penny, even with an "incredible" income.

I make FAR from an "incredible" income and the only restrictions I place on DW is never spend so much that we can't pay the bill when it arrives

 

[eliza61]

Us too (except the debt free part, but we do have a very nice net worth due to 401 and other investments). Married 33 years, all joint. As I always tell people, either you're all in or you're not. All income is "our" income just as all bills are "our" bills. This applied to the years I was a SAHM also. My friend who has separate accounts always complains because her DH makes twice what she does but she still has to pay about 1/2 the bills. But, that said, she allowed this from day one when they were living together. She needs a new car and he's encouraging her to buy one, but she's hesitating because she knows it will come out of "her" money. He recently retired from the AF as a LtCol so he has that income on top of his current job which means he has lots of discretionary income. I told my DH if her DH wants her to get a new car, he should buy it for her. I do think there are ramifications that people forget about when accounts are completely separate, including what was mentioned above with access by the spouse.

".

I always love these intersting statements. Almost 30 years of marriage and we had separate accounts. Now I find out we weren't "all in"

Come on, gimme a break. it's really not that Dr. Phil-ish.

We simply preferred to have separate accounts. I assure you, we both were fully engaged in our marriage. No big psychological drama behind it. It simply worked best that way. We managed to pay the bills, save for retirement, go on vacation, save for college. No ramifications. no drama.

 

[JanaDee]

I make FAR from an "incredible" income and the only restrictions I place on DW is never spend so much that we can't pay the bill when it arrives

Though DH and I do run purchases past each other of usually more than a few hundred dollars, both of us have said to the other "you don't need my permission. I am not your parent". We still do it, though.

 

[JanaDee]

I always love these silly statements. Almost 30 years of marriage and we had separate accounts. Now I find out we weren't "all in"

Come on, gimme a break. it's really not that Dr. Phil-ish.

We simply preferred to have separate accounts. I assure you, we both were fully engaged in our marriage. No big psychological drama behind it. It simply worked best that way. We managed to pay the bills, save for retirement, go on vacation, save for college. No ramifications. no drama.

I think for some rare couples, separate finances can work well. But as seen by this thread, when one person thinks they control all the money, or resentment builds up because of inequity in income, or one spouse is disinterested in the financial health of their family, then it becomes a problem.

 

[SC Minnie]

One of the main reasons we maintain separate accounts is DH didn't want to have to worry about my writing a check or making a debit card purchase and forgetting to tell him. Or taking money out of the ATM and forgetting to tell him. He is an accountant by trade and is anal about all of that. To be honest, the separate accounts have probably saved our marriage or at least saved it from some arguments.

Everyone's relationships are different. You have to do what works for your situation.

A PP did give me something to think about though. I should add him to my account just in case something happens to me.

 

[eliza61]

I think for some rare couples, separate finances can work well. But as seen by this thread, when one person thinks they control all the money, or resentment builds up because of inequity in income, or one spouse is disinterested in the financial health of their family, then it becomes a problem.

But that's not a separate account issue Jana, that's a spouse issue.

If a spouse is disinterested or not participating in the financial health of the family, throwing the money into one bank account is not going to magically make them interested. All it does is make resentment build because now one person is doing all the work.

The problem isn't where the money is. If I'm mad over the inequity in income, how does having one account solve that. I still know how much money I put into the account don't I??? I still know how much my spouse kicks in? Does putting into one account suddenly erase all that?

That goes back to my laughing at that line. putting the money into one account doesn't make anyone more "in" their marriage. If my dh isn't going to pay attention to the finances all having a joint account does is make me chase after him and try to FORCE him to be more active.

I just don't see it, If I'm mad because I "think" I bring more money into the equation and it's "my" money. a joint account ain't going to fix that. that's a mindset problem

I don't think it's rare at all. most of the couples I know well enough to know about their finances operate with a combo of joint and separate accounts. Now all my best friends are professional women so most wouldn't dream of not having a separate account. So who knows.

My dh and I had totally opposite spending styles, what made our marriage work was not where we put our cash but instead was having common goals and we talked about how we reached our goals. whether we had a separate account, joint account or stuffed our money under the mattress, we had the same goals as a couple.

 

[tinkerone]

I always love these silly statements. Almost 30 years of marriage and we had separate accounts. Now I find out we weren't "all in"

Come on, gimme a break. it's really not that Dr. Phil-ish.

We simply preferred to have separate accounts. I assure you, we both were fully engaged in our marriage. No big psychological drama behind it. It simply worked best that way. We managed to pay the bills, save for retirement, go on vacation, save for college. No ramifications. no drama.

was that meant to be mean cause it sure sounded mean. your opinion may differ but doesn't make one right or one wrong. you may see the statement as silly but i don't and i would bet there are others who don't as well.
maybe i'm reading your words wrong??

 

[eliza61]

was that meant to be mean cause it sure sounded mean. your opinion may differ but doesn't make one right or one wrong. you may see the statement as silly but i don't and i would bet there are others who don't as well.
maybe i'm reading your words wrong??

No it wasn't meant to be mean. I apologize. I just find these "blanket" statements, let me say amusing.

I thought the statement was implying that because people have separate accounts they are some how not "all in" or not engaged in their marriages.

So yes, in my opinion to assume that a couple that has separate accounts some how not "all in' their relationship is silly and I bet those of us who do have separate account and healthy marriages would find it amusing as well.

Maybe I read those words wrong.

 

[Mrs. Bradbury]

I have trust issues from previous marriages (3rd time lucky! ) regarding bills being paid, and also I didn't want to bother with two people using one pot of money, so while my paycheck is direct deposited, my husband chooses to deposit an amount of money I figured out to be his share of household expenses, and he keeps the rest in cash for his gas/lunch/discretionary spending. This has worked WONDERFULLY for us. If he takes me out, HE truly is taking me out because he's using his money. He also is not very good with a debit card - when he had a checking account, he would check his balance and whatever it said, he thought that's how much money he had to spend, regardless of checks not cleared or payments not yet debited - so he is happy to operate on a cash basis.

For my part, almost all of our payments are auto-debited, so I don't feel put-upon to make sure everything is paid on time. My role is more like the analyst and coordinator.

 

[ellie05]

I have seen the good and the bad in separate finances. My mom and dad had separate finances from the beginning it work well for them money wasn't the reason for their divorce. My mom second marriage the finances were together at first but like the OP they were having problems so they separate it. Well comes time for the divorce and things were chaos because it turns out he had a bunch of debt.
OP I don't think in your situation I would separate the finances maybe let him take care of them for a month so he can see what it is to be in your position. DH and I had always had finances together and I take care of everything. He knows what its going on but I don't think in our 6 years of marriage he never gone in to check our back account. We usually talk about what is going on the next month so he knows if there is extra expenses. And before we used YNAB he use to tell me when he spend money not because not because he was asking for permission but because I usually don't check our account every day. Now with YNAB he enters his expenses and its able to see if we have money for whatever he wants to spend.

 

[crispychicky]

I always love these silly statements. Almost 30 years of marriage and we had separate accounts. Now I find out we weren't "all in"

Come on, gimme a break. it's really not that Dr. Phil-ish.

We simply preferred to have separate accounts. I assure you, we both were fully engaged in our marriage. No big psychological drama behind it. It simply worked best that way. We managed to pay the bills, save for retirement, go on vacation, save for college. No ramifications. no drama.

This is us too (except we're only at 10 years of marriage).

Our incomes are disproportionate, probably 30%/70%. So, we divide the bills accordingly. We don't split them in half, we split them 30/70. It's worked great for us. If one of us stayed at home or was out of work, we'd probably have to reevaluate how we do things, but this system has worked fine for us for now.

I agree with you that it's silly to think that there is only one "right way" to handle your finances, or, you're not truly committed to your marriage if you do it "this way". Separate accounts, joint accounts, or a combination, all have pluses and minuses. You need to figure out what works best for YOU. You may also need to change how you handle things based on how your circumstances change.

 

[bdcp]

I always love these silly statements. Almost 30 years of marriage and we had separate accounts. Now I find out we weren't "all in"

Come on, gimme a break. it's really not that Dr. Phil-ish.

We simply preferred to have separate accounts. I assure you, we both were fully engaged in our marriage. No big psychological drama behind it. It simply worked best that way. We managed to pay the bills, save for retirement, go on vacation, save for college. No ramifications. no drama.

I don't really care what anyone else thinks. It's so far from Dr. Phil-ish. To us it's about commitment and no one accused "you" of anything. We're all in, completely, financially, emotionally, etc. That's just a fact. Was my statement directed at you? NO, it was about my feelings and experiences. If you take what I say personally, then what does that say?

And yes, what you said was "mean", but guess what? No skin off my back, but be aware calling someone's statement "silly" is close to being against the disboard rules.

In all my time on the boards, I have only reported one person on one thread for a statement (doesn't include reporting SPAM), so don't worry, I don't let it get to me and you shouldn't either.

 

[3happydancers]

was that meant to be mean cause it sure sounded mean. your opinion may differ but doesn't make one right or one wrong. you may see the statement as silly but i don't and i would bet there are others who don't as well.
maybe i'm reading your words wrong??

I too found this statement rather offensive even if it wasn't meant to be.

 

[NotUrsula]

FWIW, DH and my separate accounts are set up to POD to one another. If he drops dead I will get the account by default, and vice-versa. They are not joint, but they don't have to be, and becasue of the auto-deposit, should something happen, the money for the bills will continue to flow until the account reverts to me.

 

[ilovemk76]

I think for some rare couples, separate finances can work well. But as seen by this thread, when one person thinks they control all the money, or resentment builds up because of inequity in income, or one spouse is disinterested in the financial health of their family, then it becomes a problem.

Unless each person has the same amount of "fun" money left over after paying their share of the bills, resentment will eventually occur.

We are the "all in" couple.

How does one plan for retirement without both being "all in" with the plan.

 

[njmom47]

DH and I have always had separate checking accounts. He makes 1/3 more than I do, so he pays the biggies: mortgage, car and life insurance, utilities. I pay the maintenance (we pay HOA fees), groceries, and health insurance, as well as (when the kids were little) school things, such as lunch, after-care, trips, etc. He also spends a lot more than I do (I got him to let me set him up for online banking) but as long as the bills are getting paid, I'm not too picky. I did harass him about how much cash he was taking out from the ATM at Wawa and paying a fee each time. He has calmed down on that! We also have a couple of joint savings accounts (which only he puts money in) and I have my own savings account that he doesn't fund or use.