Severely need advice

[MamaBelle4]

You allowed him to blame you for his lying. You are responsible for your actions. He is responsible for his. There are no exceptions to this.

Can you monitor your bank account and see what he's spending? See what he's spending that's unaccounted for? Because he will continue to lie to you. And if your results of your conversation are any indication you will continue to allow it.

You need to do what's best for you and your baby. And let me just tell you from extensive experience in this you don't magically wake up as a mother or a father and know exactly what to do or change your behavior or change your personality. Having a child can absolutely change you. But you don't suddenly wake up for that first midnight diaper change an experienced parent.

I wish you the absolute best. And I hope you'll stick with your two month deadline.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

He is lying to you and to himself even after your little chat. He has an issue whether its alcohol or maybe consider drug abuse. They are liars. They lie to hide it, they lie to do it, they lie to conceal it. I have lived with 2 sisters and many close family members who are alcoholics. He is lying. He will continue to do so until he gets caught. Drinking and driving is a very serious offense. He can get felony charges, jail time, kill himself or someone else on the road. Get counseling for yourself because thats all you can control.

Good luck to you.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

My heart breaks for you. too! This all must be just so hard and frightening. There have been some really good comments here by good DIS people. I am just thinking that even though there are other marriage things there that maybe he is deflecting and blaming you. Is he pointing fingers at you, to make himself seem blameless. Just because you feel that he was drinking too much, and wanted him to limit his drinking it is your fault that he is having these problems. That seems so common. Blame the other person. And, with people like this in my family they would also say things like, I won't drink this weekend, this week, this month... And, it seems that this is also a way to try to defend the whole thing. That is not good. I am sad, because I am afraid that the things you mentioned in your recent post are really not good at all. I do hope and pray that you can work thru this and make the right decisions.

 

[Klayfish]

Good for you, OP. I won't be one to sit here and say "He's lying" "He's blaming you", etc...I think that's wrong to say. I don't know if he is or not. Time will tell. Based on what you wrote, I think you're pointing in the right direction. If you were clear with him that you expect changes and what those changes look like, then great. It's his turn now. He will either put up or shut up, to borrow a phrase. Hopefully he's going to put up. However, just be prepared in case he doesn't. Suggestion I'd have now is to continue following up with this, don't just let it drop and go back to the way things were. Doesn't mean you have to pester him non-stop, but keep this front and center. His actions will dictate where you go from there.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

This was his explanation for the cooler in the trunk. He said while I was at the gym he was in the process of getting rid of all of the cans he had hidden because he wanted to start fresh.

This sounds highly suspect.
I know when I clean up old empty beer cans, I don't think "Hey, let me put them in the cooler!"
He is lying to you and you are lying to yourself.
Take the advice and go to the Al-anon meetings, even if you do nothing else right now.

 

[RUDisney]

One thing I have learned from friends and family who are in recovery, the addictive person is usually very charismatic and can make someone believe everything they are saying.

Your DH told you everything that you wanted to hear. He needs help to understand his issues in order to get past them and you need to get help to understand how to deal with him and to not accept his excuses and promises at face value.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Hi. I have an issue that I seriously need help with. My husband has been hiding alcohol containers from me for years and I’m about to my end with it.

We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 3 of those. We’re both under 30 so not very old. I never really thought he had an issue with alcohol but this is really worrying me. We drank some in high school but once we got to college we said we wouldn’t drink anymore. I never noticed him drinking until we rented our first house. I started noticing the bottles in the basement and he said they were from the previous renters. I kind of just gave him the benefit of the doubt because he never seemed to act weird.

Fast forward to us buying our own house and I still am not drinking at all. Dh says he wants to drink occasionally which I was against but I tried being okay with a couple here and there. I then found A LOT of hidden bottles and cans in our basement like he had stockpiled them over time. There were times he would wake up and not know what he was doing or what he was saying. He woke up once and puked all over the bed. After talking to a doctor she told him it was depression and lack of sleep. So we went off that and worked on those issues but the “loopiness” continued.

Fast forward again and we moved to a new house across the country with no family nearby. I don’t have anyone here to talk to about this except texting with my parents. It got so bad one night that I left and went to a hotel. The thing is he doesn’t appear to be drinking very much. When he’s around me it’s just 3-4 beers and that shouldn’t affect him but his words start slurring and he gets sooo annoying. He talks nonstop and switches moods like crazy. My parents visited not too long ago and witnessed him starting to act a little different after having a few beers. Dh and I had a long talk and agreed we would both work on our issues: me not controlling what he drinks so he can be in control and him working on his control.

Tonight I went to workout for 45 minutes and came back to an annoying Dh. I didn’t smell alcohol on his breath but he had gum and ate mints. I asked if he had anything to drink and he said no that he was just tired. I practically had to force him to go to bed since he works tomorrow morning. I then went to search the garage and found 4 beer cans and a small bottle of fireball in a red cooler in his trunk. I know he had those tonight because I just put that red cooler away today in our kitchen. He woke up and said he was going to the bathroom. None of his sentences made sense and he had no idea what he was saying.

Here’s the kicker: I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I just can’t do this anymore. I am so stressed all the time waiting for the next time he’ll act “loopy”. I don’t get why so few drinks can affect him the way it does. He refuses to go see someone and thinks he has it under control but he clearly doesn’t.

Is there any hope? I’m severely close to flying back home and living with my parents but I love him so much and I just can’t think about leaving him.

PP’s have done a good job of addressing the issues of alcohol abuse and the consequences of having an unstable partner at this stage of your life, so I won’t rehash that. There are a few things I would like to touch on though.

Am I understanding correctly that he’s not “allowed” to drink alcohol in your home at all? Was that a decision made due to religious reasons, a history of alcoholism, other? What do you think his relationship with alcohol would look like if he was allowed to drink openly and freely? I’m wondering to what extent the environment is affecting the behavior. For instance, you mention going to the gym for 45 minutes and coming home to find four empty beer cans and a small fireball bottle. (I’m picturing one of those $1 mini bottles that contain a single shot? Correct me if I’m wrong.) That is absolutely an irresponsible amount of alcohol to consume in such a short time period and would certainly be enough to make someone drunk, possibly to the point of sickness. Had he consumed that amount spread out over 5-6 hours throughout the course of an evening, it’s doubtful it would’ve had much affect on him at all. And while I know that amount is above the medical recommendations for safe drinking, meh, I really wouldn’t think too much of if when we’re talking about a guy in his twenties. People commonly drink heavier in their youth and naturally taper off as they get older, and they do so because of maturity, not because they were alcoholics who needed to get sober. (And having a baby is precisely the right time to move out of the party phase of their youth if one hasn’t already.) So, I’m just trying to sort out how much of his alcohol consumption would otherwise be considered typical for a man his age were he not in a situation where he felt he had to hide ALL alcohol use. Of course, hiding it like a sneaky child instead of owning that he’s a grown man who is having a few drinks is not a sign of maturity, so there’s that. And if the two of you had agreed at some point that your home would remain alcohol-free and now he’s undermining that, that’s an issue as well.

I’m also wondering if you have “healthy views” on alcohol. My father, for example, saw no difference between having one drink and being a full blown alcoholic. He had an alcoholic uncle, and that experience was enough to skew his views on alcohol so badly that he thought any alcohol consumption meant someone was headed down that path. You mentioned in your OP that you are against even occasional drinking — why? Do you think your rather strict perspective on alcohol use could be affecting how severe you think your husband’s problem is? You also talk throughout your posts as though you’re kind of mystified by the way he acts when he drinks — you describe him as gregarious and “loopy,” sometimes stumbling and slurring his speech. These are normal side effects of alcohol. The frequency and degree to which someone gets like this can of course be a problem but, as a former bartender, I can tell you that the effects of alcohol can be seen after just one beer. So if you’re always completely sober, watching the effects of alcohol kick in after he’s had a couple beers, and then you’re interpreting his chattiness as strange and concerning behavior...

I don’t know, I’m having a hard time with this one. I would normally say yes, hiding alcohol and binge drinking are obvious signs of an alcoholic. But in this case, I feel like there are some atypical factors at play here that make me less quick to brand him an alcoholic.

Alcohol concerns aside, I see some other problems here.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think some of what I said got turned into a little more severe than it actually is. He’s only gotten sick twice in the last 3 years. It’s not like he throws up every week or anything like that. I’m not making excuses for him but don’t want anyone thinking it’s a regular thing. Both times were after he fell asleep.

The whole not knowing what he’s saying or doing only happens after he’s been asleep and wakes up again after sleeping for about an hour or less. It’s always when he wakes up and has to go to the bathroom. Again this doesn’t happen all the time but happens more frequently than the puking. It only happens when he forgets to go to the bathroom before bed.

The thing that I’ve been noticing more often is the free talking and mood swings. It’s gotten to the point where I dread weekends because that’s when I notice it most. He’ll come home from work on Friday and talk nonstop. Normally he’s a quieter guy and he says that’s because I talk so much (which I’ve been working on because I really do talk too much). He’ll get all lovey and then when he notices I’m annoyed and don’t respond he’ll say “fine I just won’t talk” and gets pouty. This literally happens like every weekend now. It’s like he’s a child. When he gets this way I just try to force him to go to bed.

I typed up a huge email but I’m thinking I won’t send it to him. It’s probably better if we talk in person. I’m currently laying on our couch because I just can’t go lay by him in bed. I’m sure he’ll wake up in the morning and be confused. I’m not sure how I’ll confront him tomorrow but I plan to wait until after work so he doesn’t have to deal with it at work

I guess I’m just wondering if it really is alcohol related or something else is going on? He’s talked to doctors and they’ve told him it’s sleep or depression, but never alcohol related. So that’s what he believes

The first bolded section stands out as a major concern to me. This is emotional manipulation. Anyone can get offended from time to time and act like a jerk, but you describe it as a recurring pattern. This alone indicates a dysfunctional situation, one I would not be willing to bring a child into. The alcohol isn’t the only way he displays unhealthy behaviors, and I would be willing to bet his issues run far deeper than you’re even aware at this point. The flip side of that coin is your role in this relationship. Why are you with someone who emotionally manipulates you, did you even recognize the behavior for what it is? If not, is it because this behavior has been normalized in your life through other relationships? Why are you married to a man who complains you talk too much and, in your words, acts like a child? He clearly needs help, but I would advise that you also start exploring what baggage you may be carrying. Dysfunction often attracts dysfunction.

Regarding the second bolded section, did he ever seek professional help for the supposed sleep/depression issues? The answer to that will tell you how much he cares to fix the situation.

Mentioned by others already, but I, too, got the impression pills and/or bipolar might be something to look into here.

And finally, after this way too long post, I’ll end with this. Assuming you intend to proceed with this pregnancy, your choices aren’t as simple as staying or leaving. He is the father, which means you will likely be tied to him in one way or another for the next 18+ years and he will have legal rights to seek custody and visitation. If I’m understanding correctly, there is no established record of him having a substance abuse problem, and it’s currently just your word against his. Unless something changes, you may find yourself in a situation of having to turn your child over to someone you don’t trust with his or her care.

You need two things right now: a therapist and a lawyer. A therapist for the two of you together to address the marriage issues. He needs individual counseling to get to the root of his problems, and I think you could probably benefit from one as well to help you navigate this stage of your life and address any personal issues that might crop up as you go through this process. You need the lawyer to help you get your ducks in a row so you can protect yourself and your child when he fails to get it together and you leave.

 

[Nanceliz319]

I read where "controlling the amount of alcohol" was mentioned. An addict or alcoholic cannot control the drinking. It is part of the disease. There is a saying in recovery "one is too many and a thousand is never enough". This is real! That's why those that stay clean and in recovery don't drink ANY alcohol. I really do wish you the best.

 

[AJA]

Sending a big hug to you
In these situations sometimes being young and optimistic is what helps you have the energy to get through.

It sounds like he is a young man that knows he has a huge responsibility ahead and he wants to be a good dad.

Again though, from experience, he is most likely not going to be able to make it through a month without drinking on his own right now, because he is still making excuses. He is willing to talk about it in a calm manner and try, and that is a good sign and attitude to have!

This month, if/when you see the signs (keep your eyes open and rose colored glasses off) you really need to ask him for one pre baby gift, for him to attend at least 2 AA meetings. You can find them almost anywhere, the next town over so he will be less likely to feel embarrassed someone might recognize him.

Remember he is young too and looking at his own problem with his own set of rose colored glasses. He needs to hear and see an example of another man who has been there done that, real life regrets, real life consequences to children, etc. This is a HUGE battle he is about to undertake. It will take YEARS for him to be in a place he can be trusted 100% either by you or himself.

As long as everything is safe and peaceful for you and the baby, you can be his emotional ROCK, but you cannot be his WARDEN, he has to take responsibility and learn how to be his own WARDEN or it will NEVER work.

Again, best of luck, couples do manage this disease and have happy, peaceful, successful marriages. I said manage, not beat, it is always something you have to be on top of, especially in stressful times.

 

[robinb]

I read where "controlling the amount of alcohol" was mentioned. An addict or alcoholic cannot control the drinking. It is part of the disease. There is a saying in recovery "one is too many and a thousand is never enough". This is real! That's why those that stay clean and in recovery don't drink ANY alcohol. I really do wish you the best.

Yes, *if* he is an alcoholic. I don't know him so I am not ready to diagnose a disease based on what his wife, someone who doesn't drink and nags her DH not to drink, says on a message board.

 

[Anonymous123]

We just had a talk again and he agreed we could go to couples therapy but he is very frustrated. He feels like I’m attacking him and is convinced we could get through these issues on our own. He is complaining about the cost of therapy and I told him our happiness is worth a lot more than money.

I do think we have a lot of underlying issues that are much bigger than the alcohol. It may sound like I’m making excuses for him but I’m being realistic about my side of things. He owned up to the hiding of things and said it was 100% his fault. He said it was irresponsible and not right for him to blame that on me. I’ve been very strict on alcohol and I can’t give a great reason why that is. I kind of decided for the both of us that we wouldn’t drink anymore and that wasn’t right for me to do. It’s not a religious thing. I just don’t like alcohol and see it as pointless and that’s because I don’t personally use it. It’s hard for me to change my view point but I think I have a very unhealthy view of alcohol. It’s very possible for someone (my parents and entire family) to drink casually without it being a problem. Dh sees my family behaving this way but all he hears from me is how much I hate it. I’m not sure I take enough time to listen to how he feels about things.

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

I don’t know. I’m sure it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but I’m not ready to just give up on him. I’m 100% willing to stick it through this with him but he has to put in the work too.

 

[Hikergirl]

We just had a talk again and he agreed we could go to couples therapy but he is very frustrated. He feels like I’m attacking him and is convinced we could get through these issues on our own. He is complaining about the cost of therapy and I told him our happiness is worth a lot more than money.

I do think we have a lot of underlying issues that are much bigger than the alcohol. It may sound like I’m making excuses for him but I’m being realistic about my side of things. He owned up to the hiding of things and said it was 100% his fault. He said it was irresponsible and not right for him to blame that on me. I’ve been very strict on alcohol and I can’t give a great reason why that is. I kind of decided for the both of us that we wouldn’t drink anymore and that wasn’t right for me to do. It’s not a religious thing. I just don’t like alcohol and see it as pointless and that’s because I don’t personally use it. It’s hard for me to change my view point but I think I have a very unhealthy view of alcohol. It’s very possible for someone (my parents and entire family) to drink casually without it being a problem. Dh sees my family behaving this way but all he hears from me is how much I hate it. I’m not sure I take enough time to listen to how he feels about things.

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

I don’t know. I’m sure it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but I’m not ready to just give up on him. I’m 100% willing to stick it through this with him but he has to put in the work too.

This is from your OP
Fast forward again and we moved to a new house across the country with no family nearby. I don’t have anyone here to talk to about this except texting with my parents. It got so bad one night that I left and went to a hotel. The thing is he doesn’t appear to be drinking very much. When he’s around me it’s just 3-4 beers and that shouldn’t affect him but his words start slurring and he gets sooo annoying. He talks nonstop and switches moods like crazy. My parents visited not too long ago and witnessed him starting to act a little different after having a few beers. Dh and I had a long talk and agreed we would both work on our issues: me not controlling what he drinks so he can be in control and him working on his control.


I'm not sure how to take the OP then if you are saying it's not when he's drinking, it's only when he's sleeping.

You don't need to give up on him but you do need to wake up, especially for the child you are about to bring into your world.

 

[jrmasm]

We just had a talk again and he agreed we could go to couples therapy but he is very frustrated. He feels like I’m attacking him and is convinced we could get through these issues on our own. He is complaining about the cost of therapy and I told him our happiness is worth a lot more than money.

I do think we have a lot of underlying issues that are much bigger than the alcohol. It may sound like I’m making excuses for him but I’m being realistic about my side of things. He owned up to the hiding of things and said it was 100% his fault. He said it was irresponsible and not right for him to blame that on me. I’ve been very strict on alcohol and I can’t give a great reason why that is. I kind of decided for the both of us that we wouldn’t drink anymore and that wasn’t right for me to do. It’s not a religious thing. I just don’t like alcohol and see it as pointless and that’s because I don’t personally use it. It’s hard for me to change my view point but I think I have a very unhealthy view of alcohol. It’s very possible for someone (my parents and entire family) to drink casually without it being a problem. Dh sees my family behaving this way but all he hears from me is how much I hate it. I’m not sure I take enough time to listen to how he feels about things.

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

I don’t know. I’m sure it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but I’m not ready to just give up on him. I’m 100% willing to stick it through this with him but he has to put in the work too.

I think you both need counseling.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and opinions. Dh ended up waking up and coming out while I was on the couch before I even fell asleep. We had a really long talk about everything and he explained the beer cans and the liquor bottle.

He just ordered a pregnancy book recently and started reading it early yesterday morning while I was sleeping. He got pretty far which I was impressed by because he normally isn’t a reader. He told me after reading it he knew he wanted to make a change and stop drinking for at least the month of September. He wanted to show me he could change and go without it. This was his explanation for the cooler in the trunk. He said while I was at the gym he was in the process of getting rid of all of the cans he had hidden because he wanted to start fresh.

At this point, I’m willing to believe him. I told him how I felt about the mood swings and about him waking up not knowing what he’s saying. I researched something awhile ago called “sleep drunkenness” and I do believe that’s something coming into play here. It describes exactly what happens to him. It talks about when someone is woken up within the first part of their REM cycle and they aren’t able to control what they’re saying. He’s never a danger to me or to himself. He simply just doesn’t make sense because he’s basically still in a sleep state and can’t get his thoughts out the right way.

I did ask him what would happen if he has to wake up and take care of the baby. His response was he would be more alert because he knows he’ll be in charge of another human being.

As for the medication, he doesn’t take any medications. I know this for a fact because he actually used to and it seemed like it was making things worse. He takes ibuprofen throughout the day because he has chronic foot pain but that’s the only medication he takes.

We made the decision together that he has two months to show me he can change. Whether that’s to stop drinking completely or show he can have control. Otherwise I will be moving in with my parents. I absolutely do not want to do that but unfortunately it might have to come to that. He knows I’m very serious about it and I do believe he wants to see a change in himself. He wants to do this on his own without seeing someone and that’s why I’m slightly worried about but I’m not going to force him into something he’s uncomfortable with because I feel like that’s counterintuitive. He has to want to see someone otherwise he’s just there for me.

His reasoning for hiding the cans is because he says I limit how much he can drink and I do think that has been an issue. I’ve always kind of been on him about having no more than 3 beers and he needs to make that choice himself otherwise he feels like I’m his mom telling him what to do. So he hides the beer in the garage and said he’ll drink one extra beer or two in there without me knowing. He was very open about hiding them and why he felt like he needed to do that. I’ve always been a little demanding in our relationship, and it all started in high school. We were both just very obsessed with each other and it got to the point where we were almost smothering each other so it’s been an issue from the beginning. I’m not trying to make excuses for him but I do think me watching over everything he does has made him feel the need to hide the drinking. Now that doesn’t excuse him drinking slightly too much every now in then and he knows now that he needs to control himself and needs to start noticing if he’s slurring or acting differently.

I’m just trying to get all of my thoughts out there and everything we talked about last night.

I posted my first reply before reading your update. This...

“We made the decision together that he has two months to show me he can change. Whether that’s to stop drinking completely or show he can have control. Otherwise I will be moving in with my parents.”

....was a mistake. If you’re going to put a time limit on when you’re going to call it quits, you need to keep that to yourself. Otherwise, the other person knows they just have to show improvement for X amount of time before reverting back to their old ways, and nothing will change in the long run.

I would make the therapy a condition of your being willing to try to work things out. If he doesn’t agree to therapy as step 1, you’ll be moving out. Even putting the alcohol issue aside, there are enough problems in your relationship to warrant it. There are dysfunctional dynamics going on here that you don’t even see and you need the help of a professional to sort this out.

 

[Eeyore2142]

We just had a talk again and he agreed we could go to couples therapy but he is very frustrated. He feels like I’m attacking him and is convinced we could get through these issues on our own. He is complaining about the cost of therapy and I told him our happiness is worth a lot more than money.

I do think we have a lot of underlying issues that are much bigger than the alcohol. It may sound like I’m making excuses for him but I’m being realistic about my side of things. He owned up to the hiding of things and said it was 100% his fault. He said it was irresponsible and not right for him to blame that on me. I’ve been very strict on alcohol and I can’t give a great reason why that is. I kind of decided for the both of us that we wouldn’t drink anymore and that wasn’t right for me to do. It’s not a religious thing. I just don’t like alcohol and see it as pointless and that’s because I don’t personally use it. It’s hard for me to change my view point but I think I have a very unhealthy view of alcohol. It’s very possible for someone (my parents and entire family) to drink casually without it being a problem. Dh sees my family behaving this way but all he hears from me is how much I hate it. I’m not sure I take enough time to listen to how he feels about things.

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

I don’t know. I’m sure it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but I’m not ready to just give up on him. I’m 100% willing to stick it through this with him but he has to put in the work too.

Based on this, I think some people are really jumping to conclusions here. How often is he having 3-4 beers?

If you wake me up after an hour of sleep, you are going to get someone who can barely walk and has zero clue what is happening. That is because that is about the time you are entering deep sleep for most people. I think he may have a sleep disorder and not alcoholism.

Also, if my spouse made a unilateral decision on my food or beverage consumption...

 

[Klayfish]

We just had a talk again and he agreed we could go to couples therapy but he is very frustrated. He feels like I’m attacking him and is convinced we could get through these issues on our own. He is complaining about the cost of therapy and I told him our happiness is worth a lot more than money.

I do think we have a lot of underlying issues that are much bigger than the alcohol. It may sound like I’m making excuses for him but I’m being realistic about my side of things. He owned up to the hiding of things and said it was 100% his fault. He said it was irresponsible and not right for him to blame that on me. I’ve been very strict on alcohol and I can’t give a great reason why that is. I kind of decided for the both of us that we wouldn’t drink anymore and that wasn’t right for me to do. It’s not a religious thing. I just don’t like alcohol and see it as pointless and that’s because I don’t personally use it. It’s hard for me to change my view point but I think I have a very unhealthy view of alcohol. It’s very possible for someone (my parents and entire family) to drink casually without it being a problem. Dh sees my family behaving this way but all he hears from me is how much I hate it. I’m not sure I take enough time to listen to how he feels about things.

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

I don’t know. I’m sure it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but I’m not ready to just give up on him. I’m 100% willing to stick it through this with him but he has to put in the work too.

Good for you! Wishing you all the best, and this does sound like a good step in the right direction. I don't drink alcohol either, I'm with you in that I see it as pointless and don't understand why people like it. But each to their own.

Yes, you probably do a have a lot of underlying issues, and these things could well just be symptoms. Don't worry, you aren't alone. Plenty of people go through struggles, whether it's because of alcohol, mental health or any number of other things. I don't see anything wrong at this point with you wanting to stick through this with him. Ultimately, if both he and you can work through the challenges and give your child a happy family, that's the best solution IMO. However, like you said, he has to put in the work. If he doesn't, then there are other options you need to look at.

If you feel couples therapy is the right step, push him to go through with it. It's not a surprise to me that he feels like you're attacking him and wants to try to get through issues on your own. It's very hard to admit you have a problem and maybe even harder to admit it to a "stranger" and air your "dirty laundry". Hopefully once he gets started, he will see benefit in it and open up.

If you can't tell, or don't know, I'm a guy. Hopefully I can give you some perspective from that side of the fence. Most men handle emotions and situations very different than women. That's not an excuse or a judgement, rather simple fact. It can be good, it can be bad. But most men tend to try to hide emotions, not talk about deep feelings and such, and that can lead to other problems. As I said, I don't drink or anything like that, but I've had my own emotional challenges. I spent far too long hiding from them and it nearly ruined my family. Heck, it wasn't even a "man card" thing either, I've never believed in that or understood it. However I just was terrible at emotions and refused to be honest about how I felt inside. That was very self destructive. I can tell you first hand that it's hard for guys to face these things, it just is. Hopefully if you can get him to do so, he will open his eyes and open his heart and make meaningful and long lasting change. It has worked for me, and my journey will continue for the rest of my life.

 

[JenniferYoung44]

Please, if you do absolutely nothing else GO TO AN AL-ANON MEETING! You are not alone in this. Even if you don’t y’all just go and listen. Everyone there is dealing with a loved one struggling with alcohol and they are a wealth of support.
The following questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:

1. Do you worry about how much someone drinks?

2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?

3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?

4. Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?

5. Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?

6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker?

7. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?

8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath?

9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?

10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?

11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?

12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?

13. Do you search for hidden alcohol?

14. Do you ever ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?

15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?

16. Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking?

17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?

19. Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?

20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

If you have answered “Yes” to any of these questions, Al-Anon may be able to help.

 

[AJA]

We just had a talk again and he agreed we could go to couples therapy but he is very frustrated. He feels like I’m attacking him and is convinced we could get through these issues on our own. He is complaining about the cost of therapy and I told him our happiness is worth a lot more than money.

I do think we have a lot of underlying issues that are much bigger than the alcohol. It may sound like I’m making excuses for him but I’m being realistic about my side of things. He owned up to the hiding of things and said it was 100% his fault. He said it was irresponsible and not right for him to blame that on me.

I don’t know. I’m sure it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but I’m not ready to just give up on him. I’m 100% willing to stick it through this with him but he has to put in the work too.

OP, from everything you described, It is WAY TOO EARLY TO GIVE UP! You aren’t in any danger, he isn’t hostile about it or verbally abusive (physically abusive and leaving asap, go without saying). This is an obstacle you both have to tackle. That’s what marriage is. Very Hard Work and being there for each other through the struggles of life.
If you see signs of drinking then you do the driving.
Keep an open dialogue, especially when you are both stressed.
Maybe he is turning to alcohol to mask something else. Talking about it in therapy is a great idea!

Let him know you are maturing too and working on not expecting to “control” or mother his actions. But do keep your eyes open.

Both of you want to be good parents for your little one, not each other.

 

[nkereina]

I posted my first reply before reading your update. This...

“We made the decision together that he has two months to show me he can change. Whether that’s to stop drinking completely or show he can have control. Otherwise I will be moving in with my parents.”

....was a mistake. If you’re going to put a time limit on when you’re going to call it quits, you need to keep that to yourself. Otherwise, the other person knows they just have to show improvement for X amount of time before reverting back to their old ways, and nothing will change in the long run.

Agree with this. Plus, you're putting life on hold for two months, not sure where you'll end up. If it were me, I would proceed with life under the premise that we WILL work through it. Not if. Only cross that bridge if you have to come to it.

And besides, if he's truly an alcoholic, he needs time to get his treatment set up and in order and time to show success with that. I'm not sure that can happen in just two months.

With the sleep thing, there are sleep disorders where weird talking/acting loopy can happen. Sleepwalking is one of those things. My DH frequently gets night terrors which aren't common as an adult. I would talk to a therapist or doctor about that so you can be pointed in the right direction. It could be something that warrants a sleep study, or it could be a product of any alcohol metabolizing while he sleeps causing that effect. I know if I have a drink right before bed, I will be wide awake for at least an hour around 3am.

 

[RamblingMad]

We just had a talk again and he agreed we could go to couples therapy but he is very frustrated. He feels like I’m attacking him and is convinced we could get through these issues on our own. He is complaining about the cost of therapy and I told him our happiness is worth a lot more than money.

I do think we have a lot of underlying issues that are much bigger than the alcohol. It may sound like I’m making excuses for him but I’m being realistic about my side of things. He owned up to the hiding of things and said it was 100% his fault. He said it was irresponsible and not right for him to blame that on me. I’ve been very strict on alcohol and I can’t give a great reason why that is. I kind of decided for the both of us that we wouldn’t drink anymore and that wasn’t right for me to do. It’s not a religious thing. I just don’t like alcohol and see it as pointless and that’s because I don’t personally use it. It’s hard for me to change my view point but I think I have a very unhealthy view of alcohol. It’s very possible for someone (my parents and entire family) to drink casually without it being a problem. Dh sees my family behaving this way but all he hears from me is how much I hate it. I’m not sure I take enough time to listen to how he feels about things.

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

I don’t know. I’m sure it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but I’m not ready to just give up on him. I’m 100% willing to stick it through this with him but he has to put in the work too.

Your view on alcohol is fine. You just need to surround yourself with people that think the same way. This isn’t as hard as it sounds.