Solved the puzzle

[lifesavacation]

I have seen a similar dynamic with a couple of my friends who have lost weight. They changed for the better and started exercising and not wanting to sit around the house and it really caused friction in their relationship.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, Tink. I absolutely HATE it when my husband and I are at odds with each other. It’s the worst.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I have seen a similar dynamic with a couple of my friends who have lost weight. They changed for the better and started exercising and not wanting to sit around the house and it really caused friction in their relationship.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, Tink. I absolutely HATE it when my husband and I are at odds with each other. It’s the worst.

Thanks

 

[tarheelmjfan]

What about situations where both halves of the couple are in a rut with things like sedentary lifestyle, bad eating habits, becoming potatoes rooted to the sofa, not getting out socializing, etc? Let's say one partner goes to the doctor, the doctor warns trouble is on the horizon if some changes aren't made, partner takes it seriously, goes home and shares the situation with their spouse and begins to make (sensible) adjustments to avoid a health crisis. Spouse may even say, oh yeah, we should do something, yet won't follow through and as time goes on begins to grumble because their partner suddenly isn't content with pizza for dinner followed by ice cream and their favorite shows, instead choosing to go for a bike ride after dinner or take the dog for a walk. Maybe the mate who doesn't want to change their ways is even battling depression and their anxiety is causing them to get angry their partner is "changing the rules".

If the spouse making the lifestyle change isn't forcing their mate to make the changes and isn't actually refusing to spend any time with their spouse, should the spouse making the healthier lifestyle adjustments be forced to go back to unhealthy living, or should they just keep encouraging the reluctant partner to make some small adjustments? It's not uncommon for one spouse making healthy lifestyle changes to face backlash from a reluctant mate -- and for the balance of the relationship to be thrown off.

My point is both spouses should feel free to live their life the way they choose. Neither should be trying to force the other to live as they want. If one wants pizza & the other wants a salad, so be it. The OP already mentioned her mom forcing her DH to get a job, so there's definitely some forcing going on here. We all know people who started working out hard now everyone they know should be doing the same or people who started a new diet & everyone they know should be on that same diet. Most people don't react well to that.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

1I am just maturing 10 to 20 years behind my peers my husband does not have to do anything he doea not want to in my book if i am maturing to quickly for him he is free to leave

I'm happy for you that you're improving your life. I just don't think your DH should be forced to change his or leave. Were you considering divorce, before you started working out & improving your life?

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

My point is both spouses should feel free to live their life the way they choose. Neither should be trying to force the other to live as they want. If one wants pizza & the other wants a salad, so be it. The OP already mentioned her mom forcing her DH to get a job, so there's definitely some forcing going on here. We all know people who started working out hard now everyone they know should be doing the same or people who started a new diet & everyone they know should be on that same diet. Most people don't react well to that.

Its because he is board and taking it out on me

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I'm happy for you that you're improving your life. I just don't think your DH should be forced to change his or leave.

I dont know anyone on this board that would take verbal abuse they did not deserve liveing my day to day life msy or may not result in change and my dh screaming because my friend asked for directions is not fair

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Its because he is board and taking it out on me

I'm back to thinking this is something a message board can't solve. You guys really need marriage counseling w/ an impartial party. Good luck.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I'm back to thinking this is something a message board can't solve. You guys really need marriage counseling w/ an impartial party. Good luck.

I agree

 

[cabanafrau]

My point is both spouses should feel free to live their life the way they choose. Neither should be trying to force the other to live as they want. If one wants pizza & the other wants a salad, so be it. The OP already mentioned her mom forcing her DH to get a job, so there's definitely some forcing going on here. We all know people who started working out hard now everyone they know should be doing the same or people who started a new diet & everyone they know should be on that same diet. Most people don't react well to that.

Yes, it's a known phenomenon that happens all the time. You think if one partner makes sensible changes it's automatically a bad thing, or it's automatically a bad thing to even encourage their mate to make some changes?

I'm not referring to the situation where the one making the changes becomes unable to think or talk about anything else and wants to preach their message of lifestyle change 24/7/365. I'm talking about not eating pizza every week, going for a bike ride on nice evenings, etc -- positive changes that make you healthier and hopefully happier without being militant about the changes to the point where the healthy lifestyle interferes with life the way the sedentary lifestyle did. A stubborn or depressed spouse shouldn't get to hold their mate down from getting healthier and participating in life either.

 

[disneychrista]

1I am just maturing 10 to 20 years behind my peers my husband does not have to do anything he doea not want to in my book if i am maturing to quickly for him he is free to leave

It may just be that because you have grown and become more independent your previous relationship with your DH is no longer going to work. You are both going to have to work together to see if you & he still "fit." It may just be that your marriage will no longer work and you do end up divorcing. I wish you luck & happiness in where this may take you.

 

[gillep]

I dont know anyone on this board that would take verbal abuse they did not deserve liveing my day to day life msy or may not result in change and my dh screaming because my friend asked for directions is not fair

You should not tolerate verbal abuse, I am very sorry for what you are going through with your DH. That said, you also should not tolerate your mother forcing your grown adult DH into getting a job. If you think he would benefit from a job, or he wants one, then you should have that conversation with him, but your mother should not be dictating this to him. I think you both need to speak with a counselor to figure out how to communicate better.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Yes, it's a known phenomenon that happens all the time. You think if one partner makes sensible changes it's automatically a bad thing, or it's automatically a bad thing to even encourage their mate to make some changes?

I'm not referring to the situation where the one making the changes becomes unable to think or talk about anything else and wants to preach their message of lifestyle change 24/7/365. I'm talking about not eating pizza every week, going for a bike ride on nice evenings, etc -- positive changes that make you healthier and hopefully happier without being militant about the changes to the point where the healthy lifestyle interferes with life the way the sedentary lifestyle did. A stubborn or depressed spouse shouldn't get to hold their mate down from getting healthier and participating in life either.

Who said they should?

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

You should not tolerate verbal abuse, I am very sorry for what you are going through with your DH. That said, you also should not tolerate your mother forcing your grown adult DH into getting a job. If you think he would benefit from a job, or he wants one, then you should have that conversation with him, but your mother should not be dictating this to him. I think you both need to speak with a counselor to figure out how to communicate better.

I agree

 

[cabanafrau]

Who said they should?

I can understand how someone could interpret the suggestions you've given in this thread to think precisely that. Maybe mom, who in all likelihood has a good overall view of the totality of the circumstances -- or at the very least is more likely to have a clearer picture than strangers at a distance on the internet, is issuing some recommendations, suggestions, ultimatums to insure that necessary things happen.

We have to factor in the potential for an unreliable narrator here. I think many of us have seen multiple threads over the years where there is a serious crisis because someone has made a comment about something, Tink has blown it out of proportion, convinced there is a major issue -- only to return later to report all is well, everything is worked out, the tempest in a teapot turned out not to be a crisis after all. I'm going to give a loving mother who has legitimate reason to be more involved than most the benefit of the doubt and rely on her to have the all around best interests of her daughter at heart.

 

[gillep]

I can understand how someone could interpret the suggestions you've given in this thread to think precisely that. Maybe mom, who in all likelihood has a good overall view of the totality of the circumstances -- or at the very least is more likely to have a clearer picture than strangers at a distance on the internet, is issuing some recommendations, suggestions, ultimatums to insure that necessary things happen.

We have to factor in the potential for an unreliable narrator here. I think many of us have seen multiple threads over the years where there is a serious crisis because someone has made a comment about something, Tink has blown it out of proportion, convinced there is a major issue -- only to return later to report all is well, everything is worked out, the tempest in a teapot turned out not to be a crisis after all. I'm going to give a loving mother who has legitimate reason to be more involved than most the benefit of the doubt and rely on her to have the all around best interests of her daughter at heart.

I agree with everything here except for the ultimatum part. As far as I am aware Tink's mom is not her DH's guardian and I just don't think it is appropriate for her to force Tink's DH into getting a job. I also think that this could result in her DH feeling unheard and ganged up on or cornered by Tink and her mom if when they disagree about something like this Tink's mom gets involved on her side. I think that would be a difficult position for him to be in and would feel awful, and like he has no say in his life. Everyone could benefit from some communication strategies and an outside counselor.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I can understand how someone could interpret the suggestions you've given in this thread to think precisely that. Maybe mom, who in all likelihood has a good overall view of the totality of the circumstances -- or at the very least is more likely to have a clearer picture than strangers at a distance on the internet, is issuing some recommendations, suggestions, ultimatums to insure that necessary things happen.

We have to factor in the potential for an unreliable narrator here. I think many of us have seen multiple threads over the years where there is a serious crisis because someone has made a comment about something, Tink has blown it out of proportion, convinced there is a major issue -- only to return later to report all is well, everything is worked out, the tempest in a teapot turned out not to be a crisis after all. I'm going to give a loving mother who has legitimate reason to be more involved than most the benefit of the doubt and rely on her to have the all around best interests of her daughter at heart.

If anyone interpreted my posts that way, they were reading them with bias. In fact, I specifically said, "My point is both spouses should feel free to live their life the way they choose." How could anyone interpret that to mean I thought one of the spouses should control what the other does? I said the exact opposite.

 

[cabanafrau]

I agree with everything here except for the ultimatum part. As far as I am aware Tink's mom is not her DH's guardian and I just don't think it is appropriate for her to force Tink's DH into getting a job. I also think that this could result in her DH feeling unheard and ganged up on or cornered by Tink and her mom if when they disagree about something like this Tink's mom gets involved on her side. I think that would be a difficult position for him to be in and would feel awful, and like he has no say in his life. Everyone could benefit from some communication strategies and an outside counselor.

I could agree with you under most circumstances. The first reason I would take a beat here is because of the unreliable narrator factor I outlined. We've been led to believe it's an ultimatum situation emanating from her mother. Maybe so, maybe not, maybe unreliably related. Maybe there's circumstances that are forcing that issue that aren't understood and therefore haven't been passed along to us.

I've been privy to an awful lot of circumstances surrounding adult wards with special needs where specific protocols needed to be followed in order for certain program eligibility to remain in effect. I've also seen families flailing to establish plan forward for a time when the parent will no longer be in the picture. It gets emotional, it causes lots of stress, it can be traumatic. Sometimes wards get into situations that guardians understand aren't great, yet they're trying to handle things as unobtrusively as possible so as to allow the ward as much freedom as is possible. Sometimes the wards reach the point where they understand the situation isn't the best and they need help either extricating or taking corrective measures to balance the situation in a way that gives them happiness and wellbeing by creating some new boundaries. I'm not seeing a long pattern of overly controlling behavior. I think if that were the case the circumstances would not have been allowed to go along as they have all these years. It does seem something is propelling the need for some changes. I feel someone has been a great guiding hand for a long time, doing so in a very loving and respectful way. I don't sense that's changed at all.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I can understand how someone could interpret the suggestions you've given in this thread to think precisely that. Maybe mom, who in all likelihood has a good overall view of the totality of the circumstances -- or at the very least is more likely to have a clearer picture than strangers at a distance on the internet, is issuing some recommendations, suggestions, ultimatums to insure that necessary things happen.

We have to factor in the potential for an unreliable narrator here. I think many of us have seen multiple threads over the years where there is a serious crisis because someone has made a comment about something, Tink has blown it out of proportion, convinced there is a major issue -- only to return later to report all is well, everything is worked out, the tempest in a teapot turned out not to be a crisis after all. I'm going to give a loving mother who has legitimate reason to be more involved than most the benefit of the doubt and rely on her to have the all around best interests of her daughter at heart.

Yes we all know i am a drama queen and this time might not even be any diffrent however if he does not have yo put up with something I cant help also known as growing or being human then i dont have to put up witb his yelling i know their are some that have anger issues however there are anger management counselors dh refuses to go he says i am overly (sp) wich i agree with maybe i am too sensitive to have a partner maybe i am too srlfish

 

[littlejimmy]

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Update

So dh and I talked and i promised not to step on anymore toes with the new understanding of why he does what he does around the houss its not that I cant but rightfully so he needs to feel needed

And due to his personality he does not want a group of friends my family is all he can take and his mom as long as its not too much time

Over all I am glad we where able to work things out

Still trying to find that delicate balance betwwen being home to much and not enough

Yes we are still going to counciling in the 30th