Spin-off… Thanking a Veteran

[Pea-n-Me]

It has recently come to light here that many veterans don‘t care to be thanked for their service.

Thoughts or personal experiences with this?

 

[MIGrandma]

I think if they are wearing a hat or jacket from whatever branch they served in, they have to expect people are going to thank them. And I can’t imagine anyone that takes the time to thank them wouldn’t be sincere about their thankfulness.

 

[DLgal]

It's more that saying thank you is NOT enough. It's not meaningful. It doesn't accomplish anything except make the person who says it feel good.

Try reading this:

https://thetab.com/us/syracuse/2015/10/26/thank-you-for-your-service-724
And this, if you want to know what you can actually do for veterans:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.mi...lly-thank-veterans-for-their-service.html/amp

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I can tell you exactly where I was the first time the “Thank you for your service” thing ever came to my attention. I was in the stall of an airport bathroom shortly after 9/11 and heard three separate people say it within 30 seconds. I was thinking, “What the heck is going on out there?” No joke, I thought they were thanking the bathroom attendant. I came out to use the sink and found myself standing next to a woman in uniform. Another woman passed by and repeated the TYFYS, which made me realize who they’d been speaking to. I acknowledged the uniformed woman with a smile before leaving, then went and told my husband about the strange behavior I’d witnessed. He was aware thanking service members in public was a thing people did and filled me in.

Nevertheless, I thought it was strange and imagined it would make me really uncomfortable in their shoes so I never adopted the habit. I continued to treat members of the military the same way I always had, which was to treat them like any other stranger — mostly ignore them unless I had reason to interact, then do so minimally and politely without throwing random praise onto them. For a while, I wasn’t sure if my approach, or lack thereof, made me look like a jerk, but I’ve read enough articles over time saying they don’t appreciate the superficial comments so I stopped questioning it long ago.

 

[Karin1984]

It is one of the most American habits/customs.

 

[nw6675]

My grandfather, father, and husband were/are retired military and have never expressed anything but appreciation when they were/are thanked. I am even often thanked as the spouse.

Sincerity is key and I do not agree it only makes the person saying it feel good.

But, I do not know any service members that seek out or "need" the thanks. Most are proud to serve and would do it with or without recognition.

 

[Jangles]

It has recently come to light here that many veterans don‘t care to be thanked for their service.

Thoughts or personal experiences with this?

With respect, this is a most simplistic and unfair summary of what was posted.

 

[pinkxray]

My DH spent 4 years in the Marine Corp. So he is a veteran just didn’t retire from the service. No one really knows he a veteran so not many people thank him but if they did he would appreciate it.

I tend to take him out to lunch every Veterans Day. He gets the day off but our kids don’t so it’s a rare time we have a chance to go alone. We were married right off of Camp Leguene Veterans Day weekend 20 years ago so our anniversary is always a few days apart from Veterans Day.

This year we happened to go to Applebee’s where they had a free meal for Veterans. When the waitress asked if anyone was a veteran he said no. His thing is he didn’t lose a limb or anything. He doesn’t think he deserves anything special because like someone mentioned above, he was proud to serve and would do it again.

He does stop and thank all the other veterans on the way out. He has also done this other times we go out. We don’t go out much but when we used to there have been occasions where he knew someone at another table was a veteran after chatting and picked up their check.

I’m not a very social person so I wouldn’t approach anyone in a uniform or wearing something that makes it look like they are a veteran to say thank you.

 

[C&Jx2]

I don’t think it’s that they don’t like it, some just don’t know what to say or don’t think they’re worthy of the praise.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

With respect, this is a most simplistic and unfair summary of what was posted.

I don’t see how it’s unfair. Why would I do that to veterans? I love veterans! My father was a traumatized veteran (and I and my family lived with the implications of that), I have beloved friends, family, neighbors and coworkers who are veterans, I worked for the VA myself and gave my best care to sick veterans (and still do), I give to veteran’s causes, both of my parents were big into veteran’s causes, etc.

As someone who regularly thanks people for their military service (and I have always thought of it as a public service*), I was just really surprised to hear some veterans don’t care for it, so I want to understand it more, and hear more perspectives.

Since that conversation I’m almost afraid to say anything now.

If you think I am off base, please enlighten me. I would really like to know.

* Definition:
What are public services examples?
Examples of public services include law enforcement, military services, healthcare, local government, education, and social care.

 

[Marrila]

There are folks that hold outlier opinions in every walk of life. I don't let them dictate what I decide to do.
I will continue to quietly and sincerely thank. No hullabaloo, just heartfelt appreciation.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It's more that saying thank you is NOT enough. It's not meaningful. It doesn't accomplish anything except make the person who says it feel good.

Try reading this:

https://thetab.com/us/syracuse/2015/10/26/thank-you-for-your-service-724
And this, if you want to know what you can actually do for veterans:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.mi...lly-thank-veterans-for-their-service.html/amp

Thank you for the articles, I read them both and appreciate the perspective. I do understand when they use the term ‘sacrifice’, too, as that was my personal experience, as well. My father was in combat in WWII and came home a different man than he went in. In those days they called it “shell shocked”, and there was little treatment for it. A lot of suffering took place for those veterans; for him - and for us, his family.

One of our neighbors, who served as a paratrooper in Vietnam, had ‘quiet time’ every night outside in his yard by himself where he smoked a cigarette and drank a beer. Though never spoken about, everyone respected his need for solace at that time. Once when my DS was little and interested in all things military, he asked our neighbor about his time in Vietnam. Our neighbor couldn’t speak about it, and DS (and I) felt bad. Years later, though, we ran into him at a veteran’s event, and he did talk to DS about it a bit that day (he’d remembered), I think because he realized there was sincerity there.

No question this is a difficult thing. But I don’t think everyone should assume that people don’t understand in their own way. Sure, some may not. But some do. I’m glad that veterans have eachother for support.

 

[BadPinkTink]

As a European when I first started going to America, I found it really strange, that people just say it to strangers. To me its one of those things that makes the giver feel good about themselves but does not really do anything for the recipient. Its like when someone dies, people say sorry for your loss, um gee thanks, I guess. When people say that to me, it makes the other person feel good that they have acknowledged that my dad died, but it does nothing to heal my grief

I understand its a part of American society norms, but I think things like the way Disney gives Military discounts is far more meaningful and useful to Veterans, than some random person saying Thank You For Your Service.

 

[Marrila]

As a European when I first started going to America, I found it really strange, that people just say it to strangers. To me its one of those things that makes the giver feel good about themselves but does not really do anything for the recipient. Its like when someone dies, people say sorry for your loss, um gee thanks, I guess. When people say that to me, it makes the other person feel good that they have acknowledged that my dad died, but it does nothing to heal my grief

I understand its a part of American society norms, but I think things like the way Disney gives Military discounts is far more meaningful and useful to Veterans, than some random person saying Thank You For Your Service.

When you inquire about military rates with Disney, they ask a few questions to establish that you qualify. That is always followed by a friendly, "Thank you for your service" (or thanks to your spouse for their service.)
So yes, even with Disney a random stranger (CM) will kindly express gratitude.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

As a European when I first started going to America, I found it really strange, that people just say it to strangers. To me its one of those things that makes the giver feel good about themselves but does not really do anything for the recipient. Its like when someone dies, people say sorry for your loss, um gee thanks, I guess. When people say that to me, it makes the other person feel good that they have acknowledged that my dad died, but it does nothing to heal my grief

I understand its a part of American society norms, but I think things like the way Disney gives Military discounts is far more meaningful and useful to Veterans, than some random person saying Thank You For Your Service.

I have never understood this perspective, that it makes the giver feel good about themselves. How do we know that? Maybe the giver feels other things besides ‘good about themselves’. I know I get emotional when I say it to someone because I understand the enormity of what they gave, as well as appreciate what their service meant to the people of our country. I feel proud of them, not ‘good about myself’. And if I say it, I mean it, otherwise I wouldn’t say it.

 

[BadPinkTink]

I have never understood this perspective, that it makes the giver feel good about themselves. How do we know that? Maybe the giver feels other things besides ‘good about themselves’. I know I get emotional when I say it to someone because I understand the enormity of what they gave, as well as appreciate what their service meant to the people of our country. I feel proud of them, not ‘good about myself’. And if I say it, I mean it, otherwise I wouldn’t say it.

You just proved my point, saying it has a meaning for you, but like when people say sorry for your loss to me, it has no meaning to me, the person who has lost a parent. When my dad died, I would have loved instead if people actually did something to help me, give me something I needed, something other than hollow words sorry for your loss. Because thats all they are hollow words which the person hears over and over and over,.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You just proved my point, saying it has a meaning for you, but like when people say sorry for your loss to me, it has no meaning to me, the person who has lost a parent. When my dad died, I would have loved instead if people actually did something to help me, give me something I needed, something other than hollow words sorry for your loss. Because thats all they are hollow words which the person hears over and over and over,.

I disagree. If people say it, they are hoping that the recipient feels [things like] pride and appreciation, as well. It’s a small act of kindness between two people.

 

[Jangles]

I don’t see how it’s unfair. Why would I do that to veterans? I love veterans! My father was a traumatized veteran (and I and my family lived with the implications of that), I have beloved friends, family, neighbors and coworkers who are veterans, I worked for the VA myself and gave my best care to sick veterans (and still do), I give to veteran’s causes, both of my parents were big into veteran’s causes, etc.

As someone who regularly thanks people for their military service (and I have always thought of it as a public service*), I was just really surprised to hear some veterans don’t care for it, so I want to understand it more, and hear more perspectives.

Since that conversation I’m almost afraid to say anything now.

If you think I am off base, please enlighten me. I would really like to know.

* Definition:
What are public services examples?
Examples of public services include law enforcement, military services, healthcare, local government, education, and social care.

I respect your opinion and I am interested in your perspective, however the poster who took the thread in a particular direction was a Vietnam veteran and I am sure that people empathise with his stance. Also, the general criticism was of people who woodenly recite a robotic response, without any genuine consideration of the veteran. A British example of this type of lip service thanks is our treatment of the Gurkhas.

 

[kimj88]

I have never understood this perspective, that it makes the giver feel good about themselves. How do we know that? Maybe the giver feels other things besides ‘good about themselves’. I know I get emotional when I say it to someone because I understand the enormity of what they gave, as well as appreciate what their service meant to the people of our country. I feel proud of them, not ‘good about myself’. And if I say it, I mean it, otherwise I wouldn’t say it.

100% this!!

 

[Karin1984]

I have never understood this perspective, that it makes the giver feel good about themselves. How do we know that? Maybe the giver feels other things besides ‘good about themselves’. I know I get emotional when I say it to someone because I understand the enormity of what they gave, as well as appreciate what their service meant to the people of our country. I feel proud of them, not ‘good about myself’. And if I say it, I mean it, otherwise I wouldn’t say it.

I think it has to do with that the concept of being proud of your soldiers, or even your country, in the way Americans are, is very foreign here in Europe. It would never cross my mind to thank a veteran, or whether or not I am proud of someone else for their choice in profession.

And you are right, it is about the intention. But I do get where Tink is coming from. It's a bit like saying 'I love you', you always have an advantage over the receiver as saying 'I love you too' is never as strong as it is for the person initiating it. What I find difficult in conversations like these is that to me you do put something on the receiver, out of decency they cannot reply with anything else besides 'thank you'. You hope they feel pride and appreciation. What if, for whatever reason, that is not the case?

I am reminded of one of the videos Michael Kay once made, I believe it was on the 4th of July. He is talking to the camera about something, sees a veteran walk by, stops his conversation and says 'thank you for your service' as the veteran passes and continues with his vlog. No conversation with the veteran. It was so out of nowhere and as regular as saying 'good morning'. I wonder how much actual appreciation is in it when you say it so casual. It felt almost like a habit.