Spin-Off of Funeral Thread: Why or Why Not?

[ronandannette]

My god that is a lot of money for a cardboard box that is going to be burned!

Yes. In general, cremation is probably though of as a much more economical alternative to traditional burial. However, over the last decade or so, with demand for cremation growing exponentially, service providers have done the only reasonable thing to be done in a free-market economy - raise the prices of everything related to it. The bare minimum allowed by law (at least anywhere in North America) is the cardboard "alternative container". If 2/3 of your volume is now in cremation rather than traditional burial, you're not going to just give those boxes away. And at the funeral home we used for our most recent family arrangements, a modest wood-veneer casket was selling for less than $1,000 - again a result of the fact that reduced demand had lowered the price.

 

[MrsPete]

Multiple random thoughts:

- Of course no one LIKES funerals! It's sad to lose people, but you go because you care about the family and want to let them know they're not alone at one of the worst times of their lives.
- My church doesn't call them "funerals"; rather, we have Celebrations of Life. The ceremony focuses on what the person loved /did during life -- it doesn't focus on how the person left this world. I like that our obituaries always say something along the lines of "So and so went home to be with the Lord on such and such day".
- I don't share the "don't want to remember the person in the coffin" concept. If I've had a lifetime of memories with the person, that one last memory won't overshadow that final view.
- Regardless of how you feel about the viewing thing, I think it's a disappearing problem. In my limited experience, it seems to me that cremations are becoming more and more common. It IS practical: if you opt for cremation, so many decisions (and expenses) disappear; no need for a coffin, a vault, a plot, a grave marker, a final outfit. It's also kinder to the earth. Sadly, I've been to two funerals in 2018 and both people were cremated; in each case, the family displayed a small wooden box (looked like a large man's jewelry box) and photographs of the deceased. One last thing contributing to the choice of cremation: Fewer people are attached to a church these days, so fewer people "know" where they want to be buried ... and with families being more mobile, the idea of being able to go to Grandma's gravesite is less and less "a thing".
- I haven't 100% decided this is the right choice for me myself (and hopefully I have about 50 years to make that decision), but I lean this direction.
- I am in favor of putting together instructions for your children to follow for your funeral. Why not take that burden off them? We're retiring in four years, and we've agreed that once we retire we'll make definite decisions and put pen to paper. We think it'll be easier to do it while we're still moderately young and quite healthy ... whereas, it'd be tough to do it if one of us were already suffering from a terminal condition.

 

[luvsJack]

Wow, some people's view of funerals is really astounding to me! What does 'like' have to do with it? I would really be concerned for a person that 'likes' to go to funerals!

For those that won't go - how would you feel if you had a loss, but nobody showed up to support you?? 'Because' they don't 'like' funerals?

Thankfully, I've been raised to support those that are grieving in any way I can. I've lost several at this point who have been very near and dear to me and have had hosts of family and friends that have stood by me and supported me & my family in great time of need. I've also tried to be a support to others.

Enuf said!

I go, just not to certain ones. But, honestly it’s been 2 years since my mom’s and people still come up and tell me they are sorry they didn’t attend (apparently we had it quick) and they really don’t have to say anything. I couldn’t say if they were there are not. Same with my dad’s 20 years ago. It’s all a huge blur.

I do agree that it’s important to be supportive and I think there are ways to find to do that if you have a strong feeling about attending.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I don’t do military funerals at all since my dad died, if I can avoid it. And have actually asked ahead of time. When my sister’s fil died, I didn’t go to the funeral because it was military but I kept all the babies in the church nursery. I simply cannot hear Taps with breaking down or having an anxiety attack. It’s better now but unless it’s family, I don’t go.

After losing my dad and brother a month apart, my bil, fil and nephew all within 10 months one year and now losing my mom, I cannot handle the smell of flowers at a funeral home. It makes me feel like the walls are closing in on me. Not every funeral home is the same but at some the smell can really be overwhelming. So I choose not to go to some for that reason. But I try to do other things instead, take care of the food at the family’s home, oversee the dinner after the funeral, etc.

If possible, I will go to the viewing and see the family. I just tend to avoid the room the casket is in if I can.

I have the same problem with Taps. I can't hear it without breaking down. Then it becomes about me, not the family. And I don't think that is right. So I avoid hearing it.

I also avoided all funerals for about 9 months after my Dad died. My mother had died just 6 months before my Dad. And for a while after that, I just couldn't do it. My friends understood.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Wow, some people's view of funerals is really astounding to me! What does 'like' have to do with it? I would really be concerned for a person that 'likes' to go to funerals!

For those that won't go - how would you feel if you had a loss, but nobody showed up to support you?? 'Because' they don't 'like' funerals?

Thankfully, I've been raised to support those that are grieving in any way I can. I've lost several at this point who have been very near and dear to me and have had hosts of family and friends that have stood by me and supported me & my family in great time of need. I've also tried to be a support to others.

Enuf said!

You know the thing is it's all very personal and individual.

To say "how would you feel if you had a loss, but nobody showed up to support you?? 'Because' they don't 'like' funerals?" implies you know how everyone feels at funerals. I truly don't know anyone who would berate me, who would be disappointed in me, who would be truly upset with me, if I opted not to go to a funeral.

As to your comment about "Thankfully, I've been raised to support those that are grieving in any way I can." I'm sure you know that there are many ways you can support those who are grieving. You will I'm sure find that some people if asked point blank asked "I need you to be there for me at the funeral" will say no because they don't like funerals but majority probably will say yes. But there are other ways. Maybe it's taking care of the little ones while the funeral is going on, maybe it's arranging things the person just doesn't have it in them to arrange, maybe it's taking care of the food and any cards or flowers if one gets that in their circle of people, maybe it's just being with them at some other time to get their mind off it, maybe it's doing the photo video if they opt to do one, maybe it's finding the music they wanted if they do that, etc.

As a random example when my best friend's mother passed away from brain cancer in my college days she told me that while it was very nice of me to come to the funeral what she really truly wanted and needed from me as her friend was a good 'ole sleepover just like the good days. That was what true support was to her. The fact that she could for just a time think about something else.

Now this is me personally speaking here--if I knew someone didn't like funerals but still really wanted their support I wouldn't hesitate to ask for it..just in some other way.

 

[luvsJack]

I have the same problem with Taps. I can't hear it without breaking down. Then it becomes about me, not the family. And I don't think that is right. So I avoid hearing it.

I also avoided all funerals for about 9 months after my Dad died. My mother had died just 6 months before my Dad. And for a while after that, I just couldn't do it. My friends understood.

About 6 months after my dad died, my ex’s father died. I went in support of my sons becaus I knew it would be hard on them. I knew he was in the military but just wasn’t expecting it. When we walked out to the gravesite, I noticed a young man standing up a little ways from the grave. It hit me then what he was doing and I thought my throat was going to close. So hard to get through.

 

[WorldWalker18]

I don’t do military funerals at all since my dad died, if I can avoid it. And have actually asked ahead of time. When my sister’s fil died, I didn’t go to the funeral because it was military but I kept all the babies in the church nursery. I simply cannot hear Taps with breaking down or having an anxiety attack. It’s better now but unless it’s family, I don’t go.

After losing my dad and brother a month apart, my bil, fil and nephew all within 10 months one year and now losing my mom, I cannot handle the smell of flowers at a funeral home. It makes me feel like the walls are closing in on me. Not every funeral home is the same but at some the smell can really be overwhelming. So I choose not to go to some for that reason. But I try to do other things instead, take care of the food at the family’s home, oversee the dinner after the funeral, etc.

If possible, I will go to the viewing and see the family. I just tend to avoid the room the casket is in if I can.

I completely agree with you regarding the playing of Taps, it’s very emotional for me after my grandfather’s funeral. I think it’s very thoughtful to help out as you do. Being there for the family can be done in many ways.

 

[mummabear]

I have the same problem with Taps. I can't hear it without breaking down.

Yes, me too

 

[powellrj]

I have been to lots of funerals and showings over the years. I have also planned 2. It’s not something I enjoy, but I feel it’s important to show support.

 

[Ress76]

After my first husband died and i was overwhelmed by the support I received, I try to be better about going to calling hours and funerals, but I'm still extremely uncomfortable, especially at very religious funerals. Everything brings up a lot of memories.

 

[ronandannette]

After my first husband died and i was overwhelmed by the support I received, I try to be better about going to calling hours and funerals, but I'm still extremely uncomfortable, especially at very religious funerals. Everything brings up a lot of memories.

What is it’s about this part that makes it worse?

 

[aprilgail]

After my first husband died and i was overwhelmed by the support I received, I try to be better about going to calling hours and funerals, but I'm still extremely uncomfortable, especially at very religious funerals. Everything brings up a lot of memories.

I always make sure to go to the wake when they are NOT doing the service- if they do service at 7 I will be sure to go at 6 so I can leave at 7 when that starts.

 

[Ress76]

What is it’s about this part that makes it worse?

Neither my husband and I was religious, so his funeral mass was for the comfort of his siblings and my step-daughter. And sort of service like that just makes me uncomfortable from a combination of by being an atheist and memories of his service.