The Oblivious Family Quick Reference Guide to all 50 States (with bonus haiku tributes)
As I continue to stall for time while I wait for my family to finish their definitive rankings of our vacations, I decided to try and put together a quick guide to the states with our impressions of all of them. And then I came down with COVID (managed to avoid it for 2 whole years!) and had extra bonus time on my hands, as well as some delirious moments under medication. Which meant that I added a haiku on each state, because what the heck. So here you go. Enjoy!
While compiling this list, it amazed me to see how many places still felt under-explored to me. It just goes to show that you can’t possibly do everything.
Alabama: Well, I can’t give you much guidance here. We’re off to a great start, aren’t we? We stopped in a parking lot just off the interstate to make PB&J sandwiches for lunch. I can definitively state that the parking lot was paved and spaces were well-marked.
Oh, Alabama
I’m sure there is great stuff here
We drove straight on through.
Alaska: Mile for mile, Alaska probably has the most beautiful scenery in the country. Everywhere you go, you are surrounded by mountains, fjords and wildlife. Even if the weather turns gray (which it often does), that does nothing to hamper the beauty. It feels like a true wilderness adventure. I’d love to go back.
Spectacular sights
And a brewpub in each town
Could this be heaven?
Arizona: The Grand Canyon is going to get all the press, and deservedly so. A photo can’t really capture the scope of it. I think it needs to be seen, and a visitor needs the experience of driving for miles along the edge just to get a taste of how far it goes in order to truly grasp the wonder of the place. I would also put in a plug for the red rocks of Sedona as being well worth a visit.
Come to the desert
See the big hole in the ground
Enjoy the dry heat.
Arkansas: In retrospect, I think we chose the stops poorly in planning our road trip here. We visited Hot Springs National Park mostly out of a desire to check off another national park on the list, but knowing that it was basically a collection of turn-of-the-century spas for rich people should have been an indication that it was not going to be my cup of tea. And attempting to dig in Crater of Diamonds with 4 kids, no tools and 95-degree heat was just asking for a rough afternoon. If I went back I’d probably try to explore more to the mountains of the north.
Digging for diamonds
With nothing but paper cups
Is a dumb idea.
California: It’s such a big state, and we still have much more to explore. But I would venture to say that our 1-week visit over spring break in 2019 was one of our favorite trips we’ve ever taken. San Francisco, the Monterey Peninsula, and Sequoia were all wonderful places to visit. And of course I will never forget the first time we laid eyes on Tunnel View in Yosemite. Staying in the valley there was pretty magical for all of us.
Yosemite – wow!
Spring break was the perfect time
To see waterfalls.
Colorado: Another state that, like Alaska, has eye candy as far as you want to go. As long as you stay in the western part of the state, that is. We loved the endless Rocky Mountains and getting the chance to drive up to the top of Pikes Peak. Rocky Mountain National Park is another prime spot deserving of a repeat visit. We left some meat on the bone here, as the southwestern part of the state has some attractions we’d like to visit.
I would gladly spend
A lot more time here, unless
It’s Denver traffic.
Connecticut: This is one of the states that has been more of a “drive-through” state than an actual destination for us. We’ve been through often on the way to visit my brother in New Hampshire. I can say that we had some excellent pizza in New Haven and felt at least 10% smarter when wandering the campus of Yale University.
There is just one thing
I can say for sure: I miss
The Hartford Whalers.
Delaware: Home sweet home. I know, Delaware is basically paradise on earth, and why would we ever want to leave to explore anywhere else? Well, it’s mostly to confirm how inferior the rest of the country is. I mean, I get it—not everyone can have tax-free shopping or access to the greatest Philly cheesesteaks on the planet or even the world’s greatest convenience store. So they have to make do with whatever meager pleasures can be found in things that Delaware doesn’t offer, such as mountains, waterfalls, exotic wildlife, major cities, professional sports teams, elevation changes, world-class resorts, and amusement parks. Those poor souls!
You can drive across
The whole state in ten minutes
But it’s still our home.
Florida: When we think of Florida, we all think Disney, Disney, Disney. Which is to be expected, given that this is a Disney message board. And sure, Disney will probably always be the biggest draw for us. But I have to also give special shout-outs to the Kennedy Space Center, which never fails to be interesting, and the Gulf Coast. We were not expecting the beaches near Pensacola to be so beautiful, but we ended up being really glad we stopped to dip our toes in the Gulf of Mexico there.
The real question is
Can we go and skip Disney?
The answer is no.
Georgia: The majority of our time in this state was spent in Atlanta, where we explored the Georgia Aquarium and visited the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. National Historic Site. I don’t regret going to either one of those places—they were both well worth the time spent. But my personal favorite visit to Georgia was the Masters tournament in Augusta in 2010. That may end up being a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Georgia on my mind
At least for the purposes
Of this dumb haiku.
Hawaii: Another family favorite! I think the biggest impression we have of Hawaii is the amazing amount of diverse landscapes and environments that are packed into such small areas on the islands. You can see everything from beaches to mountains to active volcanoes to farms and cities, all just by driving a few miles. I love the way the mountains and cliffs dive straight into the oceans. Truly an amazing, beautiful place. A bucket-list destination for sure.
Exotic and lush
I never wanted to leave
And they have Dole Whips!
Idaho: The coolest thing we did in Idaho was hike through a lava tube/cave in Craters of the Moon National Monument. What I learned from this experience is that if you ever have the opportunity to hike a lava tube, you should take it. There is a great deal of beautiful mountain scenery in the northern part of the state, but we simply drove through it. Maybe we’ll explore more someday.
Who would have thought we’d
Find a lava tube out here
Unexpected fun
Illinois: The city of Chicago is probably the star of the show here, although I’m sure some of the state’s residents might argue with me about that one. But Chicago is where we spent most of our time, and it’s such a neat city to explore. We loved walking through Wrigley Field, and Julie and I were surprisingly fascinated with an architecture tour we took on the river years ago. Our favorite spot was the Museum of Science and Industry—easily our favorite museum in the country.
Only one museum
Has a real U-boat downstairs
The home of Da Bears
Indiana: Indiana is referred to as a “flyover” state, by which people mean that it’s not a destination but a state you travel by as you head for more interesting destinations. I can’t say that we disproved that notion, but we had fun when the kids were little at the Indianapolis Children’s museum. And we have several great friends who live there and are willing to spend time with us, so that speaks to either their friendliness or judgment.
The greatest movie
Named its hero after them
How bad can it be?
Iowa: And now we reach the first state on the list that got no respect in our travels. We crossed a pedestrian bridge from Omaha, Nebraska into Iowa in order to officially set foot in the state and claim credit for having “visited”. In fairness, I visited Des Moines for a business conference once. I landed on a Sunday afternoon and the city was so deserted, I had to call Julie to make sure the Zombie Apocalypse hadn’t taken place while I was in the air. And I drove through as a kid once and saw four hours of corn.
Corn corn corn corn corn
Corn corn corn corn corn corn corn
There’s just so much corn.
Kansas: Another one where we barely crossed the border. We at least spent more time here than we did in Iowa, visiting one of the DIS Dads and having a KC BBQ taste test, which was highly enjoyable. But I can’t exactly give you in-depth tips for visiting here, either.
Driving here is dull
But KC smoked meat is great!
That’s worth the visit
Kentucky: Mammoth Cave National Park is worthy of a visit, but we were really surprised how much we liked the city of Louisville. It’s right on the Ohio River and there are several nice parks along the waterfront, as well as a former railroad bridge you can walk across. The Louisville Slugger Factory is a lot of fun to visit, and they promise to have a personalized bat ready for you by the end of the tour if you order one at the beginning. Special shout-out to the Louisville Homemade Ice Cream & Pie Kitchen.
You know what’s funny?
We never had fried chicken
Pie and ice cream though…
Louisiana: Our time here was concentrated in the city of New Orleans, which most people would consider to be a desirable place to visit. We all have mixed feelings, though. We certainly enjoyed the beignets, the architecture of the French Quarter, and the music spilling out of every doorway. But there was something off-putting here as well that I can’t quite put my finger on. I think we probably had more encounters with people who were a little “off” than in any other place, which made for a weird vibe. I know for a fact that Scotty didn’t enjoy meeting the aggressive panhandlers.
I’m taking points off
For Drew Brees and his stupid
Points Bet commercials.
Maine: Maine is another state where Julie and I have more experience to draw on than the kids, since we toured Acadia National Park way back in the dark ages when we first got married. That remains my favorite part of the state. Otherwise, the most notable thing we did here was visit the giant flagship L.L. Bean store, which is nice, but not exactly something you’d plan a trip around. Acadia is one place I’d like to get the kids to.
We saw no moose, but
For flannel shirts and canoes
It’s one-stop shopping.
Maryland: I don’t really ever plan trips to Maryland, since it’s our next-door neighbor and we cross the border regularly. For Delaware residents, it’s just kinda there (and I’m sure they feel the same way about us). We have had some enjoyable times at the beach in Ocean City, and it’s fun to visit Baltimore and go to the aquarium or Orioles games near the Inner Harbor.
I never realized it:
The Baltimore Orioles
Are worse than my teams.
Massachusetts: One place that was on our list of potential places to visit was Cape Cod, as we could have explored the history of some of the earliest visitors to the U.S. But we never made it there in our travels. Boston is a neat city to visit with a lot of its own history, though. We walked the Freedom Trail and visited Old Ironsides, but if you asked the boys they’d say the Fenway Park tour was their favorite.
Still hard to fathom
How a city speaks without
Using letter R.
Michigan: Another state that feels under-explored to me. We didn’t make it to the scenic Upper Peninsula, which is definitely on my list. It’s funny to see how many holes still exist in our U.S. resume,let alone the rest of the world. Anyway, we had a nice time swimming in Lake Michigan at Benton Harbor and visited the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor on our grand college tour for David.
We looked at college
But it would cost arms and legs
And Harbaugh don’t win.
Minnesota: We got a bit cheated on Minnesota. This was the trip where our original flight was cancelled due to storms and we ended up flying out two days later than we’d planned. We missed out on a Twins baseball game and Voyageurs National Park, which seems like a pretty big deal. However, we did get to see the giant Paul Bunyan statue in Bemidji and I got a Bemidji State University (BSU) coffee mug. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice. We also saw the headwaters of the Mississippi River, which may have been slightly more significant.
Need a do-over
But we can say we walked ‘cross
The Mississippi.
Mississippi: We drove through the state. Twice! And we did stop at the Memphis Barbecue Company in Horn Lake, MS for dinner once and enjoyed it quite a bit. So that’s our total experience. I will say that from visiting the Gulf Coast in Florida, I’d bet that the Gulf Coast beaches here are probably underrated as well.
No fancy tourist
Destinations, but at least
They had barbecue.
Missouri: We drove end-to-end between the two major cities here, Kansas City and St. Louis. I’ve already mentioned Kansas City a bit, mostly for the BBQ. But they also had a great WWI museum and we got to eat at a place that delivered our food via model train, which was unique and great fun. St. Louis made for a fun visit as well, as we were all fascinated by the design and engineering it took to build the famous Jefferson Memorial Arch. Most of us enjoyed the ride to the top as well.
Arch elevator.
Ingenious or frightening?
Hard to decide.
(continued next post)
