Wedding invitation with rules

[Threehearts]

I have a question about a wedding of a close(in relation) family member but one whom I have not seen in many years.

The invitation requests formal attire for an outdoor wedding on Labor Day weekend in NYC. The dinner will be "served family style."

I grew up in a fairly formal household and perhaps I'm off on what is appropriate but to me, formal is a step away from black tie and "family style" dinner is ,"Please pass the mashed potatoes."

Does a family style dinner now go along with formal dress? I always thought that if your guests are making expensive plans to attend your wedding(most of us are>2K) then you would have fewer guests to ensure a lovely celebration. Family style is just fine I'm sure, but then I would expect the dress to be casual.

It sure seemed easier to plan a wedding 30 years ago. We had ours on a private U. S. island, paid for the guests to get there, their hotels, food and planned activities. All the guests attended the rehearsal dinner at an oceanfront restaurant that had a band and dancing. We had 50 people which is what we could afford since we wanted the guests to feel very appreciated for attending a 3 day wedding weekend.

I feel for young people and their families now. There are so many details to consider and tremendous social pressure to go beyond what the couple can afford.

 

[_19disnA]

Formal attire.....outdoor wedding .......and family style dinner are somewhat independent terms. Outdoor weddings tend to be less formal since the setting means you might be exposed to the elements (i.e. hot/cold/wind/rain/etc.) and likely have to walk on grass at some point. Often times the partcular format for dinner is more related to what that venue offers and/or the budget of those getting married. Plate service as I recall is the most expensive while buffet is somewhat less and family style somewhere in between.

A request for 'formal attire' at an 'outdoor wedding' seems more related to indicating you shouldn't dress as if going to a picnic but they are asking for a bit more dressy appearance.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a question about a wedding of a close(in relation) family member but one whom I have not seen in many years.

The invitation requests formal attire for an outdoor wedding on Labor Day weekend in NYC. The dinner will be "served family style."

I grew up in a fairly formal household and perhaps I'm off on what is appropriate but to me, formal is a step away from black tie and "family style" dinner is ,"Please pass the mashed potatoes."

Does a family style dinner now go along with formal dress? I always thought that if your guests are making expensive plans to attend your wedding(most of us are>2K) then you would have fewer guests to ensure a lovely celebration. Family style is just fine I'm sure, but then I would expect the dress to be casual.

It sure seemed easier to plan a wedding 30 years ago. We had ours on a private U. S. island, paid for the guests to get there, their hotels, food and planned activities. All the guests attended the rehearsal dinner at an oceanfront restaurant that had a band and dancing. We had 50 people which is what we could afford since we wanted the guests to feel very appreciated for attending a 3 day wedding weekend.

I feel for young people and their families now. There are so many details to consider and tremendous social pressure to go beyond what the couple can afford.

Maybe there are a lot of out of town guests who might not realize that NYC outdoor wedding don’t mean khakis and a button down? Family style at a wedding to me is somewhere between a plated dinner and a buffet. I would still expect a cocktail hour.

 

[sk!mom]

I have a question about a wedding of a close(in relation) family member but one whom I have not seen in many years.

The invitation requests formal attire for an outdoor wedding on Labor Day weekend in NYC. The dinner will be "served family style."

I grew up in a fairly formal household and perhaps I'm off on what is appropriate but to me, formal is a step away from black tie and "family style" dinner is ,"Please pass the mashed potatoes."

Does a family style dinner now go along with formal dress? I always thought that if your guests are making expensive plans to attend your wedding(most of us are>2K) then you would have fewer guests to ensure a lovely celebration. Family style is just fine I'm sure, but then I would expect the dress to be casual.

It sure seemed easier to plan a wedding 30 years ago. We had ours on a private U. S. island, paid for the guests to get there, their hotels, food and planned activities. All the guests attended the rehearsal dinner at an oceanfront restaurant that had a band and dancing. We had 50 people which is what we could afford since we wanted the guests to feel very appreciated for attending a 3 day wedding weekend.

I feel for young people and their families now. There are so many details to consider and tremendous social pressure to go beyond what the couple can afford.

If I wasn’t aware of the conditions at the location, As in, will I have to walk on grass, I’d wear a flowy maxi dress or dressy pant suit with flat sandals. Plenty of sparkly fancy sandals out there this time of year

 

[Disneylover99]

I really don't get the photoshoot complaint. It's doubtful the couple made the request, because they want a lot of pictures of the guests to post on social media. They most likely just want the wedding party to stand out. Doesn't everyone? To me, the people who say, "I'm going to wear what I want & don't care what anyone thinks." are the ones who sound entitled. Most people will go to many weddings in their lifetime. Hopefully, the bride & groom will only get married once.

Some of the more recent posts highlight how insignificant this request is compared to some of the things that one can experience at a wedding.

Is that the reason? It never occurred to me that the bride/groom would request guests not wear certain colours so their wedding party could stand out.

I mean, the wedding party always stands out, no matter what the other guests are wearing. They’re walking down the aisle with flowers.

 

[Uncle Coaster]

I love threads like these. They really show how different people can be.

I have been to plenty of parties and events…including weddings…that only had port-a-potties. Never blinked an eye.

Chalk this up as another reason I’m glad I never got married…don’t have to deal with Guestzillas.

 

[PezRuth]

It is sad that the bride/groom feel like they have to dictate a dress code. They must have attended weddings where people were really badly dressed. We have as a society lost a sense of decorum.

I don't get the part about not wearing certain colors (especially blue / green - possibly that's what bridesmaids are wearing, and moms wearing gold?) But, no one except the bride should wear white to a wedding. And, where I'm from you don't wear black (a mourning color) to a wedding - when I was "mother-of" , I was shocked at how many salespeople tried to sell me a black dress.

Cocktail dress to a backyard reception could mean cute sundress, flowy midi, nice pantsuit or skirtsuit. Just not jeans, khakis, cut-offs, shorts, etc.

It is so interesting to me how things are so different in all areas. Black is very very common wear I live to wear to a wedding.

 

[Moliphino]

It is so interesting to me how things are so different in all areas. Black is very very common wear I live to wear to a wedding.

Same here. The "little black dress" is supposed to be suitable for pretty much any occasion.

 

[GoingSince1990]

Chalk this up as another reason I’m glad I never got married…don’t have to deal with Guestzillas.

I think it’s almost unheard of for a bride to have to “deal with Guestzillas”. Almost no guest is going to confront the bride on her wedding day to complain about the stinky blue porta-potties, the food being only for the bridal party, or any other issue. Guests will probably be complaining among themselves about such things for months or even years afterwards, though, as this thread shows.

 

[kymom99]

I think it’s almost unheard of for a bride to have to “deal with Guestzillas”. Almost no guest is going to confront the bride on her wedding day to complain about the stinky blue porta-potties, the food being only for the bridal party, or any other issue. Guests will probably be complaining among themselves about such things for months or even years afterwards, though, as this thread shows.

When my brother got married, people complained to my mom that they had to go “over the River” for the wedding. My mom said “for Gods sake, the bride is from there. You always have weddings at the brides church.” This was in the 80s.

 

[Disneylover99]

When my brother got married, people complained to my mom that they had to go “over the River” for the wedding. My mom said “for Gods sake, the bride is from there. You always have weddings at the brides church.” This was in the 80s.

That sounds like a complaint from the 1880’s.

 

[Uncle Coaster]

I think it’s almost unheard of for a bride to have to “deal with Guestzillas”. Almost no guest is going to confront the bride on her wedding day to complain about the stinky blue porta-potties, the food being only for the bridal party, or any other issue. Guests will probably be complaining among themselves about such things for months or even years afterwards, though, as this thread shows.

Then I would know who my real friends are.

 

[Lilsia]

I love threads like these. They really show how different people can be.

I have been to plenty of parties and events…including weddings…that only had port-a-potties. Never blinked an eye.

Chalk this up as another reason I’m glad I never got married…don’t have to deal with Guestzillas.

I always felt that getting married was such a private and personal thing that I didn't want a bunch of people around. We just went to the courthouse with our required 2 witnesses. Then we just had a quiet dinner out with immediate family. You don't have to have a big wedding. They history of weddings is so that they had witnesses to verify that they saws the couple get married. Then it changed into wanting to celebrate with family and friends. Now, it has morphed into a "look at me" spectacle and how to out do others. That is why I think that these rules that some couples have are ridiculous.
I always say that it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding.

 

[mjkacmom]

I always felt that getting married was such a private and personal thing that I didn't want a bunch of people around. We just went to the courthouse with our required 2 witnesses. Then we just had a quiet dinner out with immediate family. You don't have to have a big wedding. They history of weddings is so that they had witnesses to verify that they saws the couple get married. Then it changed into wanting to celebrate with family and friends. Now, it has morphed into a "look at me" spectacle and how to out do others. That is why I think that these rules that some couples have are ridiculous.
I always say that it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding.

How long ago in history have weddings been private events? Yes, the marriage is important but I’m glad we had a nice wedding reception 28 years ago.

 

[Lilsia]

How long ago in history have weddings been private events? Yes, the marriage is important but I’m glad we had a nice wedding reception 28 years ago.

A lot of people get married in private events, always have. Not everyone can afford the lavish affairs that we are talking about. Every hear of going to Gretna Green and eloping over the anvil? Many would get married in a small ceremony in the church in the morning and then have a small wedding breakfast. It depends on the culture and how much money people have.
If you are talking recent times, like the last Century, many, many people have had small "courthouse" weddings with no reception.

 

[mjkacmom]

A lot of people get married in private events, always have. Not everyone can afford the lavish affairs that we are talking about. Every hear of going to Gretna Green and eloping over the anvil? Many would get married in a small ceremony in the church in the morning and then have a small wedding breakfast. It depends on the culture and how much money people have.
If you are talking recent times, like the last Century, many, many people have had small "courthouse" weddings with no reception.

Of course, but the majority of people I know had the typical ceremony/reception, including my grandparents in the 1930’s.

 

[HopperFan]

I have a question about a wedding of a close(in relation) family member but one whom I have not seen in many years.

The invitation requests formal attire for an outdoor wedding on Labor Day weekend in NYC. The dinner will be "served family style."

I grew up in a fairly formal household and perhaps I'm off on what is appropriate but to me, formal is a step away from black tie and "family style" dinner is ,"Please pass the mashed potatoes."

Does a family style dinner now go along with formal dress? I always thought that if your guests are making expensive plans to attend your wedding(most of us are>2K) then you would have fewer guests to ensure a lovely celebration. Family style is just fine I'm sure, but then I would expect the dress to be casual.

This one does seem a bit confusing. Am from the NJ/NYC area and weddings tend to be a very big deal and if it's the least bit formal I don't see how a family style fits in. I think a buffet with servers (guests don't plate themselves) would be more appropriate. The food is the food but I would for sure be inquiring for specifics on the venue, ground surface (shoes), comfort areas (A/C) etc before I chose my attire.

Formal attire.....outdoor wedding .......and family style dinner are somewhat independent terms. Outdoor weddings tend to be less formal since the setting means you might be exposed to the elements (i.e. hot/cold/wind/rain/etc.) and likely have to walk on grass at some point.

Yeah, I'd need more info.

Often times the partcular format for dinner is more related to what that venue offers and/or the budget of those getting married. Plate service as I recall is the most expensive while buffet is somewhat less and family style somewhere in between.

Correct. DD got married a few years ago, and this was something we worked through number wise because we wanted a top caterer but within a budget.

We had hor d'oeuvres passed among guests during cocktail hour rather than help yourself. We then had a buffet but guests did no help themselves. The staff plated the food asked for and then guest carried. This allowed us to offer more than one entree.

A request for 'formal attire' at an 'outdoor wedding' seems more related to indicating you shouldn't dress as if going to a picnic but they are asking for a bit more dressy appearance.

I think in this instance you just say cocktail. There are a wide level of dressier options there. Formal traditionally means women wear a long gown or the fanciest of cocktail.

Is that the reason? It never occurred to me that the bride/groom would request guests not wear certain colours so their wedding party could stand out.

I mean, the wedding party always stands out, no matter what the other guests are wearing. They’re walking down the aisle with flowers.

DD bridesmaids all ordered whatever style dress they wanted but in same color & fabric. So they did not look alike once in reception. Ironically there were several guests who showed up in the same exact color and blended in quite well as if they were part of the wedding party.

I love threads like these. They really show how different people can be.

And very often the people are different because of where they live, what the traditions and expectations are in the area they are in. And for some, you add those extra parameters because you are hosting something different than what is the norm for your area.

I have been to plenty of parties and events…including weddings…that only had port-a-potties. Never blinked an eye.

A party or an event that might be in a location that is not equipped may be a norm. Having a wedding where attire, makeup and hair might be a bit elevated, and attendance involves hours with hopefully food & drink ... with standard porta potties probably not common and not embraced by many.

It is so interesting to me how things are so different in all areas. Black is very very common wear I live to wear to a wedding.

I've worn black to more weddings than I haven't. I am not the only one. Black is the traditional formal wear "color". My SIL even had black bridesmaid dresses.

I think it’s almost unheard of for a bride to have to “deal with Guestzillas”. Almost no guest is going to confront the bride on her wedding day to complain about the stinky blue porta-potties, the food being only for the bridal party, or any other issue. Guests will probably be complaining among themselves about such things for months or even years afterwards, though, as this thread shows.

Agree. Unless they start trouble before like about bringing their kids or no plus one etc.

And that is the one thing that we talked about when planning DD wedding is what do people talk about afterwards. We want them to remember it as a wonderful event. We didn't want to put any undue stress on the guests before or during the wedding. Food was the major item we talk about after a wedding, good bad & ugly so we put emphasis on that and made sure it was the best it could be. We tried to look at each aspect that we tend to look at when we go to a wedding. Like the one that didn't have enough chairs for ceremony OR reception hall. Like the one that ran out of beer (the only alcohol) 15 minutes in to the reception. Like the one that asked us to bring food for the reception.

How long ago in history have weddings been private events? Yes, the marriage is important but I’m glad we had a nice wedding reception 28 years ago.

Even on Little House on the Prairie the whole town was invited to the weddings.

 

[Disneylover99]

DD bridesmaids all ordered whatever style dress they wanted but in same color & fabric. So they did not look alike once in reception. Ironically there were several guests who showed up in the same exact color and blended in quite well as if they were part of the wedding party.

When I was a bridesmaid 20+ years ago we did this. It seemed like this was becoming a growing trend at the time. I’m glad it’s a trend that has seemed to stick around. It’s nice to be able to select something for your own particular body type.

 

[JLTraveling]

Of course, but the majority of people I know had the typical ceremony/reception, including my grandparents in the 1930’s.

It just depends, and always has. Both my sets of grandparents got married right around 1940. One set had a huge wedding and reception. That grandmother came from a "society" family. The other set eloped, in part because my grandmother was already raising a houseful of brothers and sisters after being orphaned, and partly because she had to lie about her age to get married int he first place. Circumstances vary, and I doubt there's ever been anything "typical" about weddings.

 

[TwoMisfits]

I always felt that getting married was such a private and personal thing that I didn't want a bunch of people around. We just went to the courthouse with our required 2 witnesses. Then we just had a quiet dinner out with immediate family. You don't have to have a big wedding. They history of weddings is so that they had witnesses to verify that they saws the couple get married. Then it changed into wanting to celebrate with family and friends. Now, it has morphed into a "look at me" spectacle and how to out do others. That is why I think that these rules that some couples have are ridiculous.
I always say that it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding.

My daughter and her serious boyfriend don't drink - he's literally allergic (and vomits even at the smell) and she just doesn't want it. And he has all international family. If they end up marrying in a few years, I'm strongly gonna suggest this type of wedding (although ours in a Church before a nice quiet dinner) for the US side, and then if they want to party (or his parents must have a big ta da), to have a 2nd ceremony overseas.

Not sure I'll get anywhere with the idea...but here's hoping...