Wedding shower etiquette

[tcufrog]

I had three bridal showers without asking for it. The ladies at the church I grew up at insisted on throwing me a shower. My cousin decided to throw me a family shower at her home and my bridesmaids chose to throw one at my mom's house for my friends since none of them had a suitable place for one. None of the shower guests overlapped except for my mother. She went to all three. Most of the shower guests gave gifts at the showers and didn't bring gifts to the wedding. We actually received very few gifts at our actual wedding. I had two baby showers for my first child; one for family and one for friends. None of the guests overlapped. My girlfriends decided to also throw one for my second child. I asked for no baby gifts for my baby and instead asked for new or gently used baby gear and supplies that we donated to our local battered women's shelter. The guests really got into that. A few brought me pampering gifts which I didn't expect but appreciated.

 

[disykat]

I had three bridal showers without asking for it.

ABSOLUTELY! That's what I don't understand. I can't imagine a bride being too involved in the shower planning and I can't imagine brides refusing to attend a gathering held in their honor because someone else from a separate friend group already gave them one. "Sorry, no, my college friends already got together and had a party for me so I won't be celebrating with anyone else." How can it possibly be a "gift grab" when the bride isn't involved in any of the planning? The people throwing the shower make the decision about how big - and also how many because it depends on how many are thrown. If someone throws a giant shower and everyone is already attending a shower, probably no one else will throw one.

If a bride is involved in throwing/planning/major decision making for their own shower is a gift grab IMO. Sometimes the people planning the shower ask the bride for input/preferences, etc. but the shower is thrown FOR the bride, not by the bride.

 

[Cheetie]

I was in the bridal party of a friend I worked with. We were a tight- knit work group and I planned the shower at work. Her mother threw her a shower of about seventy people that the bridesmaids attended; another bridesmaid decided that we needed to throw a “friends” shower that the bridesmaids were expected to pay for and attend; her M-I-L threw her a shower three hours away that the bridesmaids were expected to attend; and her part-time job threw her a shower that thankfully we weren’t invited to.

We were expected to bring gifts to every event. It was ridiculous. Funny thing was, when she and another friend got into a disagreement, the friend mentioned the five showers and the bride completely denied having them.

 

[EMom]

I married in the 80s and had three showers. I cannot remember why the two in my hometown were separate, but I think one was mostly church ladies....it was at the church. The second was family and some close friends. The third was in the groom's hometown (a 9 hour drive RT) and obviously, that was for his family/friends. Each shower had no more than 25-30 guests. I was between college and my first job, or there would have been a workplace shower. And I didn't even have a big wedding. Multiple, smaller showers were the norm. All of the showers I have ever attended have had 15-30 guests. I've never attended anything like a 100 guest shower. I cannot imagine why one 100 guest shower is fine, but three 25 guest showers is greedy.

My mother and sister attended the two hometown showers. One bridesmaid who was a relative might've attended both of those. No one brought duplicate gifts, except perhaps my mother and sister, and they were not lavish gifts. No double dipping.

 

[Disney Doll]

Why would there be more then one shower? Not being a nark, but genuinely asking. Here in Australia, 99% of people only have 1 (some like myself don’t even have that!) - so it seems nuts to say that there is one from the groom’s side, one from the bride’s side etc etc.

Well, calling other peoples’ customs “nuts” because they’re not the same as yours sounds kind of “narky” to me. .

Sometimes there is a shower from the brides side and the grooms side of the 2 sides live far apart. There might be a shower thrown by work colleagues if the bridal couple works in a close knit environment. As a younger woman I worked as a staff nurse in a hospital....I can’t tell you the number of bridal and baby showers I attended, and enjoyed.

There might be a girlfriends shower. There might be a couples shower.

Anyway, to the OP...let the people planning the shower decide who to invite. And if you’re getting invited to more than one shower and don’t wish to attend more than one, simply have “another commitment” and decline.

 

[wgeo]

It's always fun to see how many different definitions of "normal" or "common" there are in threads like this. We are so diverse as people that there are many many ways of doing things "right". Fascinating to read all the different customs.

FWIW - we had 2 showers there was no overlap between them. My family and husband's family lived in different states, so one was thrown in each state, neither mother attended the out of state shower due to distance. There were people invited to the shower in husbands state that were not invited to the wedding because we knew they couldn't afford or would not be able to travel due to health reasons - this was all known and discussed with everyone in the early planning stages of the wedding. Since I didn't know many of the people at the out of state wedding, it was a couples shower. Both were held in people's homes. I have never been to a shower that wasn't held in someone's house.

 

[mjkacmom]

Does the bride to be open all the presents when 100+ people show up with gifts? Must take forever. I recently went to a shower with about 25-30 people. I thought the gift opening was taking forever. I can't imagine how long it would be with 4 times that many gifts. Most showers I've been to had 10-15 people who attended.

Also no one here ever mentions bridal parties. I've lived in many cities from one end of the country to the other - it's always been a thing for people to give bridal luncheons or bride and groom dinner or cocktail parties in honor of the upcoming wedding, etc. With NO presents. Just a way to entertain the bride and groom and spend time with them.

I gave a bridal luncheon for a friend's daughter two days before the wedding. Many people came in from out of town and many of the relatives only saw each other at weddings and funerals as they lived all over. No presents at all. It was a luncheon not a shower. I think about 40 people attended.

I've given countless bridal parties, but don't think I've ever hosted a shower. Of course I've also attended a ton of them as a guest too.

If a bride gets a $300 mixer at a shower - does it really matter if one calls it a shower gift or a wedding gift? Just say thank you and be gracious. Would anyone complain that they didn't get a wedding present if they received an extra nice gift at a shower? That would seem greedy to me.

No one said the bride would complain about not getting a wedding gift after receiving a generous shower gift, but the fact is, at least here, that would never happen. They are two very different events, one has nothing to do with the other. Most of the time, more expensive gifts on the registry get either split by a group, or are given by a close family member. No one says “hope you like it, it’s also your wedding gift!”

 

[focusondisney]

Does the bride to be open all the presents when 100+ people show up with gifts? Must take forever. I recently went to a shower with about 25-30 people. I thought the gift opening was taking forever. I can't imagine how long it would be with 4 times that many gifts. Most showers I've been to had 10-15 people who attended.

Also no one here ever mentions bridal parties. I've lived in many cities from one end of the country to the other - it's always been a thing for people to give bridal luncheons or bride and groom dinner or cocktail parties in honor of the upcoming wedding, etc. With NO presents. Just a way to entertain the bride and groom and spend time with them.

I gave a bridal luncheon for a friend's daughter two days before the wedding. Many people came in from out of town and many of the relatives only saw each other at weddings and funerals as they lived all over. No presents at all. It was a luncheon not a shower. I think about 40 people attended.

I've given countless bridal parties, but don't think I've ever hosted a shower. Of course I've also attended a ton of them as a guest too.

If a bride gets a $300 mixer at a shower - does it really matter if one calls it a shower gift or a wedding gift? Just say thank you and be gracious. Would anyone complain that they didn't get a wedding present if they received an extra nice gift at a shower? That would seem greedy to me.

I am 62 years old, come from a large family & have been to my share of weddings. I have never been to a bridal party/ luncheon. None of my family, friends or coworkers has even mentioned attending one either. I am an RN in a large hospital & have worked with many, many women of all ages in my 40 years here. Everyone shares stories while planning their or their kids weddings. I have never heard anyone talk about a bridal luncheon at work either. This just isn’t common in our region.

As for gift opening at large showers, in most cases, the bridesmaids get an assembly line type system going. There is a long table, someone walks the gifts over, a bridesmaid or 2 opens the gift or loosens the wrapping, slides the gift & card down to the bride. The bride reads the card, removes the rest of the gift wrap if on, opens it if in a gift box, holds it up, etc. Then they slide the gift down to another bridesmaid who repackages , moves it to another table or area. Gift opening can go pretty quickly this way.

Every shower I have been to is in a restaurant private room or a hall. The gifts are displayed as the guests arrive, lunch is served, games if there are any are played & then the gifts are opened. There is plenty of time to admire the pretty packages before the gifts are opened. Since in a hospital we can’t all just take lunch & have a coworker shower, those usually are a few people getting together in someone’s home. Might be a group gift given, or individuals give their own gift.

Where I live, gifts are given at showers. Wedding gifts are cash or checks, with an occasional bottle of wine, pretty vase or gift card. Those last things are usually from coworkers or more distant friends. And even for a shower, a $300 item is given as a group gift from several family members or from one of the couple’s moms. As a matter of fact, I gave my DIL a KitchenAid Pro mixer for her shower. Friends & extended family would not be giving that type of expensive gift.

And I agree with PP, showers & weddings are 2 separate events, I would never think the gift brought to a shower is also a wedding gift, no matter the cost. If you gave a nice baby shower gift, does that also count for the baptism or first birthday??

 

[leebee]

Hmmm... I am giving my daughter a wedding. Is that a big enough gift to cover both shower and wedding? HAHAHAHA, just kidding (mostly)!!

 

[BLAZEY]

I had 2 very small showers. The one I knew about was planned by my bridesmaids (BFF & Sis) It had my mum, aunts, cousins and friends. It was a small affair maybe 20-25 people. Held in my BFF's mums back garden. Second was the one at work, a new job I had started only 2 months before the wedding. The ladies were so kind and threw as small shower and the company even bought a gift. I think we only had about 85 people to the wedding total these huge weddings baffle me as I don't think we know that many people close enough to invite that many. We had about 100 on the invite list and we knew some would make it but Great Aunts that lived too far away appreciated being thought enough of to invite to the wedding.

 

[DisneyHardin]

When I got married 10 years ago, I had 4 showers (Mom's side, Dad's side (my parents are divorced), groom's family and work). My bridesmaids came to the 3 family showers, but not the work one.

A kind of funny story that goes along with my sister (maid of honor) having to go to 3 showers. She was just out of college and super poor, but didn't want to show up at the showers without a gift, so she bought a 6 piece spatula/spoon set I had registered for, and opened it and then wrapped up 2 spatulas for each shower. I thought it was super sweet of her to want to bring a gift to all 3.