Would it be awful....

[freckles and boo]

Honestly, I think some of the issues we're having here are a "me" thing. I'm getting a bit burnt out homeschooling 4 children and dealing with the special needs and trying to keep things as normal as possible for the other two. My oldest is on a competition dance team and we have to take her to practice some distance away several times a week, all 3 boys do karate, we have all the specialists appointments and I just don't get enough down time or enough sleep. I really needed a break at Disney and I just didn't get it. Maybe my expectations were just too high. We really thought that the meds had gotten some of the bigger issues under control, but being in the new environment was just too much for my two with issues.

Sheesh! I'm just rambling on here! Thanks so much for listening and taking the time to respond so thoughtfully.

Hang in there. Sometimes we can't do it all and stay happy and healthy ourselves. I hope you find a solution that works for you and your family. While I respect your choice to homeschool, I have two kids with issues myself (one with autism and both have ADHD) and I am beyond grateful for their teachers and schools. I love my children dearly, but I have to admit that all day-every day with my kids would make me crispy, too.

 

[Ms_Butterfly]

I recommend going mid-May - the lines are short and sweet (except for "Soarin'") then. End of Feb. is a busy time with spring breakers and such!

 

[momof3girls6712]

Our youngest is on the pdd/add spectum and is alot of work to take anywhere. One week before our scheduled Disney trip she had an adverse reaction to her medication. We never even thought of not including her. Our children know their sister is "special" and requires special handling. They never had a problem with doing her wants first so I could take her back to the resort. The first 2 days me and DD traded off taking her to the resort midday to rest and calm herself. The third day she made it to 4pm and everyone went back to the resort for a swim before the P&PP (which she slept through). The last 2 days by slowing the pace down alot she made it through the whole day. I like the way we did it because all our children were able to enjoy our vacation. This is the way we do everything. I would never be able to enjoy a family outing leaving part of our family behind, but that is just me and my experience. You have to judge what is possible for you and your family. Best of luck as it is not an easy task. Hopefully, my experience helped in some way.

 

[Piper]

I know this might be a difficult thing to do, but it sounds as though everyone would benefit if Mom took a weekend for herself --I know--unheard of! Often we forget to recharge our own batteries. Schedule a weekend at a hotel for yourself. Sleep, eat in, read, relax, and if the hotel has a spa--get a massage! Get your hair done, a facial, manicure and pedicure, etc.

I know we often don't want to just spend money on ourselves, but it is so worth it when you come back rested, refreshed and so much more ready to handle the issues of daily life!

 

[ireland_nicole]

First off, I don't have a "typical kid" so I can only imagine how much more complicated that makes everything. But I second the emotion of the last poster to take a weekend for yourself away from the house and relax. I have found that a disney trip is a result of an insane amount of planning and accomodation. While it is fun and in many ways therapeutic, it is not by any stretch of imagination relaxing. I'm pretty sure that our families Disney trips require more planning than the Normandy invasion. But that's what works for us. I think the overriding thing in your post, for me, is to encourage you to cut yourself some slack. (Easier said than done, I know). It seems that you pour you time, energy and love into your children. I also understand the feeling that whatever you do, its not enough. Allow yourself to appreciate for a moment that you do everything you can, and that's pretty great. You have live kids at the end of the day who experienced love and probably got dressed and fed. And they learned something. That's an accomplishment! Hopefully, this doesn't sound judgemental, my desire is to encourage you. It it makes you feel any better, on reading this, I know that I need to print it for myself, too. Good luck, whatever decision you make, if you follow your heart, it will be right. Blessings to you
Nicole

 

[momto2greatgirls]

I have thought that it would be GREAT to be able to take my typical DD to Disney w/o her sister one time, but we've only gone once and are now only planning our second trip. Maybe by the third it would be possible. I don't think taking ONE trip w/o your exceptional children would do them harm. If it were a common practice, which it certainly sounds like it is not, it would be a different story.
I say go for it and be happy that you have someone to care for your other children while you are away, that may not always be the case so go now while you can.
I've just gotten to explain to my younger DD that we'll not be going to a water park this time (we did last time) because there's really nothing for her sister there, so she and one of the grown ups has to sit and do nothing while the other adult goes off with her...not fair to half of us.
If you really can't find it in you to leave them behind, maybe you could bring someone along (whoever would have been caring for them at home?) to stay with them and do low key activities for parts of some days? I've thought it would be a great compromise if we had someone who could come with us and spend parts of days with my special girl, just hanging out in the room, or willing to go back to the room with her if she needed to......
Sorry to ramble, this is something I've thought about before too............

 

[lovedcookie]

I agree with some of what others have said. When I was growing up, my mom didn't get much time to herself because she was a single mother, but the few times she did, my mom, my sister (doesn't have a disability) and I benefited greatly. I really think if possible you should take some time, even if it is just a weekend or an afternoon, whatever you can to yourself. . . maybe you could even work a bit of time into your weekly schedule to just take care of yourself and do whatever you enjoy.
As far as the WDW vacation with your kiddos that don't have disabilities. . . as I've gotten older and grown closer to my sister, I understand how tough it can be on siblings to deal with the challenges of having a sibling who has a disability. That said, I really believe that instead of taking only some of your kids to WDW wouldn't benefit anyone long-term. I think it would be best to have one-on-one special time with each child (however works best for you and your dh, whether that's taking each child on his/her one-on-one WDW trip with you or your dh or maybe something else). I say that because just like it's not your child's fault that he/she has a sibling that needs more of your time. . . it is also not your other child's fault that he/she has a condition that requires more of your time and I'm sure given the chance your child(ren) with a disability would much rather have your time and attention at WDW than at the doctor's office (even though I know stuff like that is necessary). JMHO

 

[Schmeck]

I've just gotten to explain to my younger DD that we'll not be going to a water park this time (we did last time) because there's really nothing for her sister there, so she and one of the grown ups has to sit and do nothing while the other adult goes off with her...not fair to half of us.

Why not have one adult go to the waterpark with one child, and the other adult take the other child to one of the major parks?

 

[BeckyScott]

I hadn't even considered this, because for us Disney is such a huge deal that of course we're all going. I suppose it would be different if you went more often.

Hmm, what would I do. Our youngest is autistic, and our oldest is ADHD. I wouldn't even consider taking both of them by myself (2 to 1, odds not in my favor) but with DH along we can play one-on-one. I know going into our trip in May, that there will be many times where we'll need to split up- partially because of the autism and partially because of the scare factor on the rides.

I guess my verdict would be either to include all of them, include none of them, or set up something that is Seperate But Equal. And Equal doesn't necessarily mean the same amount of $$ or same amount of time, it would depend on the child's interests and tolerances.

It could be that your disabled kids would be happy about "getting rid" of their siblings for a week, too. Kids are kids.

Funny story, though, slightly o/t. Last summer we all went to Silver Dollar City and we got their version of a GAC. I think it's pretty similar, they don't have fastpass so we stood in the wheelchair entrance, we didn't have to wait quite as long but it wasn't a FOTL either. Anyway. I think this was possibly the first time our oldest son appreciated having a brother with autism. Nobody really likes being squashed up in a line. When I told him about Disney he asked me if we were getting another "autism ticket" and I had to explain it all to him. Bless his heart, I do try, but I know he gets the short end of the stick sometimes. My boss at work is the sibling of a special needs adult and she grew up feeling ignored, we've talked about it, I don't want that to happen. But even recently, we took Justin to gf/cf and I stopped bringing the other stuff into the house, and our oldest was steamed, to put it mildly. We're still working on it.

I've had a hard time with this concept myself. When the boys were younger, it was easy enough to put both of them in the same activities. As they get older, it's becoming more obvious that isn't going to work. I guess that is probably the same whether you have a special needs kid or not.

Gosh, didn't answer your question at all, did I?

 

[MarieS]

I am also facing this question though both of my boys are disabled. My oldest is more involved medically and our last trip was very hard on him. It's not that he didn't have fun, but he struggled a lot with stamina and other issues despite modifying our schedule and cutting back on activities even more. My sister's family wants us to go with them to WDW in October, however I know the oldest couldn't go. It's not just how much work it is to take care of all his needs on a trip, but how difficult it is to get him to WDW and how much it takes out of him. So I made the difficult decision to only take the youngest on the trip.

Because both boys are disabled I have had the tendancy to do everything with both. However, as they get older their medical and physical issues are becoming more involved. It is difficult to travel with them at all. I do make sure that each son does things without the other. For example, my oldest son and I attended an AAC camp for 4 days this past summer. My other son stayed with grandma and the sitter. We are also hoping to attend this summer so that will be his one on one time with me.

I don't have a typical child for comparison, but this is a big topic among my friends who have kids with special needs. Two of them have typical kids who are out of high school and have told their parents how much they feel they missed out on because of their sibling. It's a tough balancing act for parents I think.

I also want to agree with a previous poster who stressed the OP making time for herself. I think this is very important. Moms always seem to burn the candle at both ends and making regualr time to rest and recharge will make a better Mom I think. My friends and I always remind each other " this is a marathon and not a sprint" when referring to the long term nature of caring for our kids. ( They will all require 24 hr care the rest of their lives). I learned the hard away after getting sick and hurting my back lifting that breaks are important. Now I go to book club once a month and have one night a month to meet with friends.

I know this is a difficult decision and I wish the OP the best.

 

[DevilDuckie]

I was the 'problem child" and let me tell you, my brother suffered MIGHTILY because of all my issues and needs.

he missed out on much of his childhood because of MY needing to be in the hospital so much and all the time and energy the 'rents spent on my needs.

I think you SHOULD take your 'normal' kids alone to Disney. let them ENJOY being a kid, without having to miss out on stuff due to their sibling's behavior or needs.

You can always choose to take them on their own special outing where their issues won't be one.

Thank you! I was sandwiched between two brothers with "bigger issues" than me. It's how my mother failed to notice that I was bipolar with a paranoid disorder and acute anxiety.

The "less needy" kids still NEED. In a perfect world you'd never consider leaving two kids home but in a perfect world you'd never have to tell the other two, "sorry vacation is ruined but your siblings have issues." It is okay, in fact it's a good thing, for the (I hate this word, but can't find a better one) "normal" kids to get a break now and then. A good drama-free trip to Disney may make them more charitable the next time an activity is spoiled by a sibling.

 

[homeschoolmomof4]

Once again thank you to all of you that have taken the time to post. I appreciate the support and the suggestions.

MarieS - I loved your quote, "this is a marathon not a sprint". This is hard to remember at times when you're in the thick of it isn't it?

DevilDuckie - I worry that my "normal" children are not getting the time that they need from me. My 8 yo especially. He's so quiet and kind of shy. He's not a squeaky wheel, so he's not getting enough grease. KWIM? He ADORES all things Disney and was disappointed that we couldn't do more exploring while we were at The World.

BeckyScott - Love the Autism ticket!! The GAC is a coping tool that we haven't utilized yet. Maybe we should.

lovedcookie - IF I leave two of the kids behind with my DH, my DH would be taking the week off of work to spend with just the two of them doing special things with them that they can handle, like laser tag etc. They would just be getting attention more suited to their needs and abilities. So it would still be "fun" time, not time related to their issues and doctors etc.

To everyone that reminded me that I need to recharge my batteries - ya'll are absolutely correct. DH and I need some "alone" time together as well. We're going to look into having my SIL come stay with the kids for a few days so that we can recharge as a couple.

ireland_nicole - I read your post and tried to think back to the last time I got away from the kids for a weekend...it was last April for a homeschooling conference for special needs children! Even when I get away from the kids, it still relates to the kids. The only time I've gotten away from the family on my own prior to that was when my now 11 yo was not quite 1yo and my grandmother had a stroke. No wonder I'm a little burnt!

I've got some time before we do the next trip, so I've got a lot to contemplate. Thanks again to everyone for their input.

 

[mickey&minniealways]

I don't remember seeing the ages of your children listed as this can have a great impact on things. My DD is mildly MR, severly dislexsic and and a siezure disorder. The siezures are well conctrolled on medication, she hasn't had one in 6 years. My 21 year old DS is ADD/OCD severly dislexsic and has a number of learning disabilities. Then I have the tipical 19 year old DS who thinks he knows everything. We have gone on many vacations where he has opted not to go. He would rather do his own thing. But going to disney is not one of them. We are going late April and I wouldn't even consider not taking all of them. We make lots of one on one time with all three. Neither of my DS have any desire to go to breakfast at the castle with the pricesses so I am going with my DD. She does not want to go boating. Both boys do. The 19 year old will get to drive his own. The 21 year might go with DH or his brother. We alway plan some down time. We have regular down time scheduled. We never try and do everything in one trip. Even with a family of so called "normal" children they don't all want to do the same thing. We almost always meet up with someone we know when we go down. Probably because we usually go during school vacations. Last time we met up with friends and the DH wanted to go on some thrill rides that his DW and DD did not. So he, my DH and 19 yr old DS went off for a while. The rest of us did something a little quieter. We met up for lunch. Just keep things simple and it goies much smoother. You don't have to exculde somebody entirely nor do you have to include them in all aspects. Everything in moderation my father always said. The sped director of the school one of my kids attended had this on her wall. " Being fair is not being equal but giving each child what he need most to suceed." This includes the children without dissabilities. Sometimes that means being together, sometimes it means something special and sometimes it means giving that child some space. Just remember to space it out and tell all four of them that you love them on a regular basis. Don't forget to smile even when times are difficult. Children of any age pick up on our moods. Especially those with ADD and OCD. It can magnify their problems.

 

[mamacate]

Dear Homeschoolmomof4,

I don't know what the right answer is for you, but I just wanted to post a little note of solidarity and support for you. This is a rather wild ride, isn't it? I have twins, one typical and one with severe ADHD, NVLD, sensory issues, and anxiety. We make it work but it's tough on the typical kid (and tough on the disabled kid to watch his typical sister managing things that seem completely overwhelming to him). I don't know what the solution is--a friend met us on our last trip with her typical DD, leaving her son with CP at home, but that was a business trip for her and bringing DD was a last-minute kismet thing when she found out we could tour with her while mom was working, the typical DD was older...and her son is still negotiating for reparations a year later. The DD wound up with a high-needs younger boy in tow anyway, so it wasn't exactly a break for her.

I do agree (with full knowledge of how completely hard this is to actually do) that mama needs a break and if mama aint happy...you know the rest. When my twins were infants I remember a LLL leader saying that taking care of mom was like the way you're supposed to get your own oxygen mask on before you help others get theirs on. This isn't because it's better, or more fun that way, or because we should all get a mani-pedi and take time for ourselves and all that women's magazine type stuff. It's because if you pass out while trying to put your kids' oxygen masks on, well, nobody makes it. The point is that without rest, you're no good to anyone, including them, and they need you. When I'm running too hard and trying to do too much, I try to remember that. I'm utterly imperfect in remembering it and living by it, but I try.

Last suggestion, just MHO: get the GAC. It could make all the difference in the world, and that's why Disney does it. Without it, we just wouldn't go to Disney. It would be too hard, and probably wouldn't be fun for anyone. I'm glad (and incredibly grateful) that Disney makes it possible for my kid to be a part of an amazing thing he might not otherwise get to do. That means a lot to me, and when I first found out about it, noodling idly online about the trip I didn't think we could take, I actually teared up a bit. Maybe it could make the next trip more of a real family escape.

Whatever you decide, you have my good wishes.

Cate

 

[swimlib]

up until last year, I had never taken a vacation with my sister (who has multiple disabilities). As the younger sibling of a child with special needs, I can say I felt I "missed out" on some things other parents did with their typical children.

This past year I took my very first trip with my mom without my sister. Although it does feel weird, there is something calming about eating a meal without hands in your hair, food, everywhere. I wish my parents had given me more ""just us" time. I remember all of the great memories of trips with my sister, but I also remember things like feeling that her needs were overshadowing my concerns. As a senior in college, I can look back to when I was little and tell you I grew up too fast. My parents tried to keep my little and have me do little kid things, but it's hard to be excited about Girl Scout Camp when your sister goes in for surgery just days before.

I vote that having a trip, even if only for a couple days, will give the children that do not have special needs the chance to talk to you, have fun, and forget some of those responsibilities of home.

 

[starbox]

I am a high school teacher and have done lots of study of gender differences and how that impacts social/intellectual development. I notice that your oldest is your only daughter, and she's thirteen.

IMHO, this is the perfect time for you to do a mother/daughter trip. Schedule a tea, maybe get manicures together, and just do all the princess and "girl stuff" together while she's still got a trace of little girl. The time you spend together now will go along way to building a foundation for the new sort of relationship that will start to develop between the two of you as she moves from being your little girl to her own young woman and needs your guidance and wisdom to navigate the passage. Taking time out now to enjoy and listen to her will be a great investment.

 

[dj2]

Fair does not always mean treating the same.

this is so true. in all things, not just in vacations.

in our house we try to give everyone what they need based on their needs, which is not necessarily the same as their siblings are getting.

our kids had different bedtimes based on their ages. they also get different amounts of homework "reminders"--the older two don't get any, whereas we check in with the youngest to make sure she's done what she needs to. and the 16 yo is allowed to see some movies that we would not let the 15 yo old see.

they each have a lot of nice things and a lot of attention and love from dh and me, but they are not identical and we don't treat them as such.

i hope you take those you want to take on vacation and have a great time! your dh and the other two will be able to have a great time doing other things while you're gone!