Would you want to know?

[thornton0511]

I'm 35 and adopted. My biological mom gave me up at birth (teenage pregnancy) and my parents who adopted me literally took me home from the hospital. They told me I was adopted as such a young age that I don't even remember the conversation. I have always known. 4 1/2 years after I was born my mom and dad had a baby biologically....who is my sister. This is my family, always has been, always will be. 10 years ago my biological mom had apparently hired a private investigator and found me. The trail literally lead her to where I had been living with my husband and son (I was pregnant with our daughter at the time). By pure luck we had recently closed on a house in another town and had moved days before she found me. Our old neighbor spoke with her, and would not give her our number or new location, but offered to have her give her own number for me to contact her if I wanted too. There was honestly no part of me that wanted to meet her, and while I appreciated the sacrifice she made to have me and give me up (I cannot imagine how hard that must have been on her) and also the hardship she must have felt to literally end up on my doorstep only to have just missed me, I still did not feel that it made me obligated to have her in my life as an adult. I ended up having my mom and dad contact her and tell her my wishes to not have her involved in my life at that time. She mentioned I have a half sister a year younger than me that would also love to meet....but that was declined as well. For me, meeting biological parents and half blood siblings would just complicate things. I am happy with my life, and my family. It would have been incredibly awkward if I had been there to answer the door that day, and pressured to include strangers (blood related or not) into my life. Obviously I do not speak for the entire population of adopted children, but this was my experience and how I feel. I have a mom and dad, and a sister. They are all that I have ever known and I like my normal life the way it is.

 

[buffettgirl]

My guess is my DH was scared, alone, and being manipulated by the other side.

No this is just speculation. She very well could know the scenario.

Wait, wait, wait. You started this whole post because you wanted the child to know the "truth" " Even if it meant your whole life was built on a lie?"

And now you're telling us that this might not be accurate? 7 pages ago you were adamant that the child had the right to know the truth (as you saw it) but now you don't even know the situation surrounding your husband's involvement, or why he did what he did, or even if the 20 year old knows she's adopted. SMH

 

[BigAlsGal]

Wait, wait, wait. You started this whole post because you wanted the child to know the "truth" " Even if it meant your whole life was built on a lie?"

And now you're telling us that this might not be accurate? 7 pages ago you were adamant that the child had the right to know the truth (as you saw it) but now you don't even know the situation surrounding your husband's involvement, or why he did what he did, or even if the 20 year old knows she's adopted. SMH

You know how these topics are. There are a million people asking a million questions and things get missed. 7 pages in is not really that much discussion. Mostly people belittling me. I have NO idea what his daughter has been told. I'm assuming it could be either everything or nothing. I was simply asking if you would want to know the truth. Most people seek truth. I guess some want to live in the dark which blows my mind. I know why he did what he did. Do I understand it? No. Because I'm not him. Do I believe there is still a chance to reach out and make connections? Absolutely.

Now as I'm writing this post someone will be tearing into something else I've said or omitted.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I'm having increasingly less sympathy for your husband's case as you dole out more and more details. He could have "manned up" at any point during those two years. He could have chosen to contact the bio mom literally any way other than Facebook and it would have been better. There are two sides to a story- and I'd be leery of completely believing your husband's account without knowing the biomom's story.

The adoption database is an excellent idea. But an even better idea would be for him to talk to a counsellor- and hopefully his parents as well, because I just can't see keeping a secret like that at 16, especially if the maternal grandparents were exerting that pressure as he says. I really think there's something else going on here and he needs to stop rubbing salt in the wound for his own well being. Best of luck, though, I completely understand how that would gnaw away at you. No one likes to see their loved ones in pain.

 

[Rylee]

I'm adopted, so I'll add my 2 cents, but just to be clear right up front, my circumstances were very different.

I was adopted at 20 months old, and have ALWAYS known I was adopted. So, to answer your question... Yes, I wanted to know, (wanted to know who my bio parents were.)

As an adoptee, and obviously I can't speak for all adoptees, but personally, I always knew, in my head and in my heart, my a ADOPTED PARENTS were/are my REAL parents.

The situation you're describing is very different from mine.

If I'm understanding correctly, it seems like your husband needs to continue to live with the decision he made at 16 years old. It may not seem fair, and maybe it wasn't, being so young and feeling scared, and it may not have even been the right decision, who knows, since he seems to know nothing about his child's life, but it is the right decision for right now.

I can tell you this... If it doesn't end well for her, it won't end well for him.

If he really feels like he needs to pursue this...
He should try to contact her adopted parents, or her biological mother first, to see what she already knows.
If she doesn't know she is adopted, he needs to drop it. He will NOT endear himself to her by being the person that shares life altering news.
If she knows but doesn't want contact, he needs to drop it. You can't force someone to allow you to be part of their life.
He should register on reunion sites. Maybe she knows, but doesn't want to connect trough her adopted parents for fear of hurting their feelings.
He should seek some counseling. He has experienced a loss, regardless of the fact that he willingly signed away his rights.
Keep hope alive. Maybe someday the phone will ring and she'll want to meet.

As for me, I did seek, find and meet both my biological parents. It was very satisfying to finally have answers. They would have liked to continue contact but I chose not to. I didn't need or want anything from them, and I didn't feel a strong emotional connection to them. I am grateful they placed me for adoption.

 

[Disneylover99]

You know how these topics are. There are a million people asking a million questions and things get missed. 7 pages in is not really that much discussion. Mostly people belittling me. I have NO idea what his daughter has been told. I'm assuming it could be either everything or nothing. I was simply asking if you would want to know the truth. Most people seek truth. I guess some want to live in the dark which blows my mind. I know why he did what he did. Do I understand it? No. Because I'm not him. Do I believe there is still a chance to reach out and make connections? Absolutely.

Now as I'm writing this post someone will be tearing into something else I've said or omitted.

I may not want a relationship with my biological father, but I would definitely want to know the truth. I really can't imagine that at the age of 20, she has not been told she was adopted. I think she must know.

 

[declansdad]

That's part of the problem. I don't think she knows the truth. She might not know she needs to look.

I fail to see the problem here. If she doesn't know to look, leave her alone.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I'm having increasingly less sympathy for your husband's case as you dole out more and more details. He could have "manned up" at any point during those two years. He could have chosen to contact the bio mom literally any way other than Facebook and it would have been better. There are two sides to a story- and I'd be leery of completely believing your husband's account without knowing the biomom's story.

The adoption database is an excellent idea. But an even better idea would be for him to talk to a counsellor- and hopefully his parents as well, because I just can't see keeping a secret like that at 16, especially if the maternal grandparents were exerting that pressure as he says. I really think there's something else going on here and he needs to stop rubbing salt in the wound for his own well being. Best of luck, though, I completely understand how that would gnaw away at you. No one likes to see their loved ones in pain.

Bio mother was 18 at the time of her pregnancy. She was a junior/senior. DH was freshman/sophomore so she was 2 years older. "Manned up?" There's some dis parents that would still have their 16/17 year olds in strollers and 5 point harnesses. And for the record DH isn't doing anything except trying to connect with a daughter that he should have been ENCOURAGED to communicate with from the beginning. They cut him off. He was a good kid. Not a hoodlum. Not a punk. Just naïve.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

No. Leave it be. You know nothing about what she's been told.

Ftr I would not want to known in this instance.

 

[littlejimmy]

op, you seem to have rather thin skin here. no one is belittling you or tearing into you. people started out telling you not to do it, and you keep saying "got it", but keep adding to the story. the facebook thing to me is pretty major and should have given you guys a pretty clear message. leave this family alone!!! they don't want you in their lives or the kids life!! I know, I know, you "got it"! no you don't. seems obvious to me that you are going to go ahead and contact the father/grandfather anyway, no matter how many people tell you not to and that it is a bad idea and unbelievably selfish.

 

[anniemae]

In a perfect world, the child should know her history, past, where she came from and her biological family. That is what healthy adoptions are built on. It is why open adoption is considered healthy for the child. Unfortunately, it seems like this young lady was not told her of her past, and also unfortunately, it is not your place to tell her. Nor is it your husbands, imo. He gave up that right when he signed the papers. Doing so now would be so tragic for her. It's simply not his place, even if he feels its unfair.

The heathy way would have been for her to grow up knowing her grandparents adopted her and her bio parents were young, were not ready to raise her etc. She should have been given the option to contact her bio dad when and if she wanted to. Since she has been kept in the dark, I think she should be left alone.

Out of curiosity, where is the bio mom? Since her parents raised her child, was she playing the role of her child's sister?

 

[Scootypuffjr]

Someone that is very close to me knows his dad is not his biological dad, but does not know anything about his biological dad. If his bio dad reached out to him tomorrow, he absolutely would want to know who he is.

 

[littlejimmy]

Bio mother was 18 at the time of her pregnancy. She was a junior/senior. DH was freshman/sophomore so she was 2 years older. "Manned up?" There's some dis parents that would still have their 16/17 year olds in strollers and 5 point harnesses. And for the record DH isn't doing anything except trying to connect with a daughter that he should have been ENCOURAGED to communicate with from the beginning. They cut him off. He was a good kid. Not a hoodlum. Not a punk. Just naïve.

and if he thinks contacting via facebook was a good idea or wanting to contact again, then he is still quite naïve...not trying to be harsh, but just calling it like it is.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Decisions have been made so I'm gonna let this thread die. Thank you everyone for your input. Whether it was for or against this I appreciate it all. Perspective is good. It's just one of those things. Life is funny and unpredictable. It's awful and amazing all at the same time. I've been kicked in the face more than I care to admit but you keep walking the path.

 

[Poohforyou]

So you wouldn't want to know siblings?

I know someone who gave up her daughter at childbirth. Many years later there was a knock at her door. Standing there was her daughter. She said that was the best thing that happened. No more wondering what happened to her. Her adoptive parents encouraged it. Both are happy.

I don't think this is any better than what the op would like to do.

Bio-parents and adoptive child need to respect one another and decisions that were made. An adoptive child has no more right to make uninvited contact with a bio parent than the bio parent has to make the same contact with the child.

Op, it doesn't sound like this was handled the best by your husband's family but not make this child pay the price for those mistakes. If your husband truly loves his child he'll let this lie.

 

[kamik86]

Do we know, for a fact, that the adoptive parents (grandparents) have lied to her? Do we know for a fact that she does not know she was adopted? There is the very real possibility that she DOES know she is adopted. She could very well know the entire story. Everybody seems to be assuming that she doesn't know. And if she really does know, there is the very real possibility that she does NOT want to know who her bio father is.

OP...I think the best suggestion here is for him to put his name on a registry. Then, if his daughter does want to find him, she will be able to.

I think the reason everyone is focusing as if the girl doesn't know is that is the only situation in which contacting her makes any sense.

Because if she knows she was adopted then she knows she has a father who she isn't looking for.

 

[jt'smom]

Bio mother was 18 at the time of her pregnancy. She was a junior/senior. DH was freshman/sophomore so she was 2 years older. "Manned up?" There's some dis parents that would still have their 16/17 year olds in strollers and 5 point harnesses. And for the record DH isn't doing anything except trying to connect with a daughter that he should have been ENCOURAGED to communicate with from the beginning. They cut him off. He was a good kid. Not a hoodlum. Not a punk. Just naïve.

I know I'm probably one of the people that you think have jumped on you, and I'm sorry if it came across in a mean way, but that bolded statement is what sticks out to me. I'm sure your husband was just a kid caught up in a bad situation, like a bunch of other kids have been, but at this point, it shouldn't be about HIM. I mean, try to put aside what your personal opinion is as far as how he "should have been encouraged", and trying to rectify a wrong you guys feel was done to HIM. Think about his daughter. I don't know if you have kids yourself, but most parents would sacrifice themselves for their child... that's just a natural parental feeling. Whether or not she knows if she's adopted, do you honestly think that having a bomb like this blow up her life at the crazy age of 20, and it will be incredibly life altering no matter how it turns out, will be a positive thing? I think he should register on the national registry and hope for the best. Your posts are just coming across like you guys are not thinking about it from the daughter's perspective and what would be in her best interest, only what you guys want, and your perception of what the grandparents did to your husband.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Bio mother was 18 at the time of her pregnancy. She was a junior/senior. DH was freshman/sophomore so she was 2 years older. "Manned up?" There's some dis parents that would still have their 16/17 year olds in strollers and 5 point harnesses. And for the record DH isn't doing anything except trying to connect with a daughter that he should have been ENCOURAGED to communicate with from the beginning. They cut him off. He was a good kid. Not a hoodlum. Not a punk. Just naïve.

I'm not saying he wasn't a good kid. I'm just wondering why the bio mom (I am assuming his girlfriend) would completely shut him out if he really tried to stay in contact with her child/adoptive sibling. I don't know. The thing is, yeah, I do understand that some people would prefer to tether their teens to themselves but two people who are 16 and 18 are old enough to make their own decisions. I was a "good" kid, most of my friends were pretty obedient, but I don't know anyone who followed their parents' rules or advice on everything. I don't know how much of choice he would have had, and I don't know what role he played in the biomom's decision- but she CHOSE to let her parents raise the kid. I feel like that's an important point that is missing in your account. These folks are not only the kid's legal parents, but also her blood relatives. Maybe I'd feel differently if the daughter had just been surrendered to unrelated strangers, I don't know.

He chose not to pursue it legally then- I really think that ship has sailed, and I don't think approaching his daughter would end in a way he'd be happy with.

 

[kamik86]

Bio mother was 18 at the time of her pregnancy. She was a junior/senior. DH was freshman/sophomore so she was 2 years older. "Manned up?" There's some dis parents that would still have their 16/17 year olds in strollers and 5 point harnesses. And for the record DH isn't doing anything except trying to connect with a daughter that he should have been ENCOURAGED to communicate with from the beginning. They cut him off. He was a good kid. Not a hoodlum. Not a punk. Just naïve.

The poitn everyone has tried to make to you is it doesn't matter how much the grandparents should have encouraged him to spend time with the child. Even if they were the absolute worst you think they may have been in that they selfishly hid everything and pretended this child was theres to avoid the stigma of a teen pregnancy and told her nothing and even if they pressured both your husband and the mom into going this route etc etc...

it doesn't matter.

All that matters is that this young woman did not do anything wrong. She choose none of this, made none of these bad decisions and she should not be the one to suffer for any of it.

 

[mom2rtk]

If your husband really has a selfless desire to be available if the girl decides to find her birth father, he should pursue one of the registries and walk away.

If he does feel the need to push himself into this family's life, maybe he should send a big fat check to the adoptive parents to put toward the girl's college education.