Would you want to know?

[Aliceacc]

Once again: we have no way of knowing that the young woman is unaware that she was adopted. It's supposition on the part of the OP, nothing more.

It's entirely possible that she's aware, and simply wants nothing to do with him. And that's her right.

 

[Liberty Belle]

no. my siblings are the brothers/sisters from my family that I grew up with. not some strangers.

I feel differently. I have a half sister who I didn't meet until I was 41. She was 30. I knew about her, but she had no idea my brother or I existed. We love each other and I have a great relationship with her.

 

[Hrhpd]

I wonder if during those 2 years he was an active father. Did he spend time with his child, did he provide what he could financially for her? Did he even try to do right by the mother and baby?
If no, then I can totally see why the mother's parents wanted him to give up his rights.

The OP has already said no. They moved right after he fathered the child because they were military.

 

[Aliceacc]

Upthread, someone said that she has never met an adoptee who wouldn't be interested in meeting his/her birth parents. (Sorry, I was in the doctor's waiting room and the wifi was funky; I couldn't reply then.)

My son has no interest at all. We've talked about it, over and over. Every single Gotcha Day since he was too young to realize what we were celebrating. In those early years, he asked once or twice why he had been put up for adoption, and we answered truthfully. That satisfied him.

He is our son, we are his parents. Our two biological daughters are his sisters. It's not something that really enters his mind. In fact, the last time it came up was at WDW 2 weeks ago, when the CM asked him whether he was with us. (He's Korean in appearance, we're not.) I can tell you, he was kind of hurt and a bit annoyed that they would even question his membership in our family.

As far as he's concerned, his birth mom and dad are part of his genetic history, a part that ended when he was born. He has no interest in them, any more than he's interested in anyone else he's never met.

 

[Hikergirl]

The OP has already said no. They moved right after he fathered the child because they were military.

That makes even more sense then for the mother's parents to want him to relinquish his rights. He isn't around for the first 2 years of his child's life, and even though its through no fault of his own he still wasn't there to be a responsible parent. I'm having a hard time picturing him being duped into signing his parental rights away when he wasn't much of a parent in the first place.

 

[Alicenwonderment]

If someone contacted me now and told me that was the case, that my 16 year old sister was really my mother this is what would happen:

I would hate the person that told me and ruined the relationship with my family.
I would hate my "parents" for the lie.
I would hate my "siblings" or who I thought were my siblings for the lie.

Basically I think I would end up losing contact an hating every member of my family older then me. I honestly don't see me feeling any other way then honestly cutting off most of my current family moving away with my husband and starting over without any of them becuase I would be so upset about letting me live all my life as a lie.

So as much as I generally like truth in this instance I would have prefered that no one brought it up and feel like by telling me they ruined everything. So it would make me go from having a loving family to no family at all, all because some selfish person couldn't keep his mouth shut and just let me keep happily living the lie.

I wanted to respond to this part because I have a relative who adopted his daughter when she was 2. He has known her since she was born and raised her as his own since the day she was born. The girl is closer to my grandparents then my whole family(parents, sister's and their families) We have always lived far away from our family and my grandparents watched her when her parents were working as a child. The girl is now in her 30s. She only found out she was adopted in her early 20s. We were at my grandfather's funeral and she happened to mention that she had discovered her birth certificate was changed. We don't know what she was told but my relative was there since her birth and married her mom when the child was 2 so she is in the wedding pictures. When she was younger I know they were planning to tell her she was adopted but she was watching the movie Annie and remarked," I'm glad I'm not like that girl I know who my daddy is. Ugh!!

The part that gets me in this comment regarding how this person would feel knowing others in the family knew and didn't say anything. I have tried to put myself in her situation wondering if she would be upset at everyone in the family for not saying anything. Would she be angry that I knew? I was 10 when she was born and I just accepted her as my cousin. It isn't my place to say anything. I guess if it is ever found out I could just act like I didn't know what happened. Heck I only see the family twice a year growing up and haven't been back since 2009. I guess I just feel some guilt because of keeping the secret. Honestly I can't imagine our family without this girl. Her parents are now divorced and both have a great relationship with their daughter.

 

[DopeyDame]

Upthread, someone said that she has never met an adoptee who wouldn't be interested in meeting his/her birth parents. (Sorry, I was in the doctor's waiting room and the wifi was funky; I couldn't reply then.)

My son has no interest at all. We've talked about it, over and over. Every single Gotcha Day since he was too young to realize what we were celebrating. In those early years, he asked once or twice why he had been put up for adoption, and we answered truthfully. That satisfied him.

He is our son, we are his parents. Our two biological daughters are his sisters. It's not something that really enters his mind. In fact, the last time it came up was at WDW 2 weeks ago, when the CM asked him whether he was with us. (He's Korean in appearance, we're not.) I can tell you, he was kind of hurt and a bit annoyed that they would even question his membership in our family.

As far as he's concerned, his birth mom and dad are part of his genetic history, a part that ended when he was born. He has no interest in them, any more than he's interested in anyone else he's never met.

This made me smile, because my God mother's daughters (my Godsisters? Is that a thing?) were both adopted from Korea. My God mother has been so explicit about encouraging the girls to search for their birth families if they want. One has done so, and made contact. The other has no interest at all. Her mom has offered to pay for a trip to Korea, to go with her, to hire an interpreter, whatever she wants, and the girl doesn't want to do it.
So two girls with very similar backgrounds, raised in the same family, with two totally different opinions and perspectives on searching and reunion with birth families.

 

[Rylee]

Upthread, someone said that she has never met an adoptee who wouldn't be interested in meeting his/her birth parents. (Sorry, I was in the doctor's waiting room and the wifi was funky; I couldn't reply then.)

My son has no interest at all. We've talked about it, over and over. Every single Gotcha Day since he was too young to realize what we were celebrating. In those early years, he asked once or twice why he had been put up for adoption, and we answered truthfully. That satisfied him.

He is our son, we are his parents. Our two biological daughters are his sisters. It's not something that really enters his mind. In fact, the last time it came up was at WDW 2 weeks ago, when the CM asked him whether he was with us. (He's Korean in appearance, we're not.) I can tell you, he was kind of hurt and a bit annoyed that they would even question his membership in our family.

When asked on the spot of my health history, off the top of my head I always started to list the health history of my mom and dad, and then I would remember I am adopted, lol. My mom did the same thing when I was younger.

 

[DawnM]

You cannot speak for all adoptees or even claim that most want to know. This thread, where many, many adoptees have said they don't want to know proves there are plenty of adoptees out there that think differently than you.

I see several who knew who their bio parent was, were raised by a different bio parent, and don't want a relationship with their parent they weren't raised with, but they know who they are and have names, medical info, etc...

I don't claim to speak for ALL, but I do know that for many of us, having never known anything about our bio relatives, no names, no anything, we do want some info.

I realize that isn't the OP's situation, as she was raised by her bio grandparents.

 

[SirDuff]

When asked on the spot of my health history, off the top of my head I always started to list the health history of my mom and dad, and then I would remember I am adopted, lol. My mom did the same thing when I was younger.

When doing my graduate work, I worked with patients with genetic conditions (thalassemia and cystic fibrosis). Part of the clinical care is to get genetic information on the child and parents (the parents are sometimes typed when the child is older). A couple of times, we got back genetic results that indicated that the mom and/or dad couldn't be the mom and/or dad. The two times that I was involved, everyone in the family knew that the dad wasn't the biological dad but hadn't thought through the fact that that meant that his blood/genetic information wasn't actually helpful!

 

[Aliceacc]

When asked on the spot of my health history, off the top of my head I always started to list the health history of my mom and dad, and then I would remember I am adopted, lol. My mom did the same thing when I was younger.

When my daughter went for her MMR vaccine, I asked the doctor to wait a week until I was on vacation. Her brother had had a reaction, and I figured that, genetically, that made her more likely to also have a reaction.

The pediatrician just smiled and waited patiently until I remembered that he was adopted and that they have different genetic backgrounds.

 

[Christine]

I see several who knew who their bio parent was, were raised by a different bio parent, and don't want a relationship with their parent they weren't raised with, but they know who they are and have names, medical info, etc...

I don't claim to speak for ALL, but I do know that for many of us, having never known anything about our bio relatives, no names, no anything, we do want some info.

I realize that isn't the OP's situation, as she was raised by her bio grandparents.

I agree. But it probably is an individual things. I know who my bio dad is. I had contact with him until I was 12. Then nothing for years and years. There is so much I wanted to know about the other side of the family. It has always driven me a little crazy. I accidentally found out my bio dad passed in 2012 in his 60s. I did finally get my mother to reach out to his sister and find out what happened. I have a little knowledge now. I do regret not seeing him as an adult, while he was alive. I just thought I would have years to do it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Two things seem to be coming up a lot:

first there is this idea taht the OP's husband was manipulated as a teen and forced to give up his rights. Yet, apparently the family moved away shortly after the child was born and he never had contact with his biological daughter before turning 18 and signing away rights?
Am I the only one seeing a disconect there? How easily could he be manioulated for well over a year from a distance??
I just really feel like during the 1-2 year gap there he had more than enough time to come to his sense, speak to his parents or a school counselor or some other adult and get help to gain custody or visitation rights if he actually wanted to be a parent to this girl. I can understand that being so young he did not and I do not fault him for that, but I do fault an adult for now trying to paint himself as some formerly poor helpless manipulated teen when we had lots of time to step up and chose not to then. It sounds more like an adult regreting choices he made when young---it happens, but he still needs to live with HIS choices.

Then, there is the repeated assumption that the young woman does not know she is adopted. The primary reasons for this assumption seem to be that the family does not respond when the bio dad tries to make contact (I find it just as likely that they or she simply want no contact) and that the bio mother lived with the grandparents so there is this assumption that the girl was raised to believe her mother was her older sister and her grandparents were her parents. I don't think that is all that likely either: heck there is a poster on the CB (on this thread even) who has shared a lot about his son who had a child as a teen and the son and grandaughter both live with that poster and his wife. The grandparents do a lot of the raising of their granddaugther so their son can finish school and play sports, etc but he also takes caer of her and I know the little girl knows the teen is her dad becuase there was a thread once about a dance teacher not realizing the teen was "dad" and the poster was upset about that. (and in that case, if memory serves, the grandparents and father would absolutely cut off contact with the bio mother if she had been willing to sign away rights and even tried to force that to happen anyway)

I bring that up to point out that it is not all that unusual when there is a teen pregnancy for the baby to be raised with substantial help from grandparetns and in the grandparents' house but STILL know who is related to them in which way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hikergirl, and Sunshine Highway....
I don't think anyone is making any assumptions here (except by the OP) that the grandparents have been evil manipulators.
And I have to respectfully, and very strongly disagree.
Here is what the OP posted:

He's tried to contact the family through FB. They responded by deleting everything.

That seems to be a huge "Period, end of story."

Not only did this family want the legal freedom and protection of having full custody and rights, (which I could understand) they have actively tried to keep any contact or relationship at all from being established. That is all I need to know... In no way is it ever considered 'the best thing' for the child/young adult to perpetuate a huge lie and to try to control contact with a family member.

As I said earlier...
While, IMHO, this family is very very very WRONG.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
All indications seem to be that any efforts to go around this situation and sideline this kid are very sure to be met by her only known family with a lot of negativity, conflict, turmoil, pain, suffering..... I can't begin to imagine how this would ever be in any 20 year old's best interest.

The OP would like to think that her DH is just so great that this kid would be so blessed to have him in her life.
But, that is a very narcissistic and one sided viewpoint.
It could very well be a very painful curse.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't think anyone is making any assumptions here (except by the OP) that the grandparents have been evil manipulators.

Not only did this family want the legal freedom and protection of having full custody and rights, (which I could understand) they have actively tried to keep any contact or relationship at all from being established. That is all I need to know... In no way is it ever considered 'the best thing' for the child/young adult to perpetuate a huge lie and to try to control contact with a family member.

Actually, people, including you and the OP and her husband ARE making assumptions---the assumption that the only reason the family might not want this contact from the bio dad is beucase the young woman was not told she was adopted (this is nothign more than an assumption/guess by OP and her husband).
It is quite possibly the young woman knows she is adopted and simply does not want to meet or have contact with her biological father and her family is respecting her wishes.
We don't know. The OP doesn't know. To assume some massive lie/deception seems odd to me

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, NH, that could very well be true.
But, if this family were being upfront and truthful, could they not have simply informed him of that?

Something here is just not upfront and truthful.

 

[SirDuff]

Actually, people, including you and the OP and her husband ARE making assumptions---the assumption that the only reason the family might not want this contact from the bio dad is beucase the young woman was not told she was adopted (this is nothign more than an assumption/guess by OP and her husband).
It is quite possibly the young woman knows she is adopted and simply does not want to meet or have contact with her biological father and her family is respecting her wishes.
We don't know. The OP doesn't know. To assume some massive lie/deception seems odd to me

We also don't know what the OP's husband said when trying to make contact. Perhaps it was done in such a way that hiding seemed a reasonable response (since we're into the realm of making things up).

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I see that you 'liked' my post.
And, I can understand that this is how you feel.

However... And I will put this in bold...
Even if they have outright lied, hidden the truth, not been upfront with this kid, etc...
That is absolutely no reason or justification for doing something here that is also just wrong.

Two wrongs do not make a 'right'.

 

[smiths02]

We also don't know what the OP's husband said when trying to make contact. Perhaps it was done in such a way that hiding seemed a reasonable response (since we're into the realm of making things up).

And she was 13 when this contact was made?
Perhaps she knows the truth, but they were afraid that OPs husband would start some legal battle while she was still a minor?

 

[gwynne]

Yes, NH, that could very well be true.
But, if this family were being upfront and truthful, could they not have simply informed him of that?

Something here is just not upfront and truthful.

Maybe it would help if birthfather would go through a registry, and get some specialized professional counseling. Being willing to invest some time and money into getting information and options for a birthfather contact would seem to me to be the right path if he's interested in proceeding with prudence.

But, we are left to try to figure out what happened based on him attempting contact some years ago via...Facebook. Really? Facebook?