WWYD: elementary school harassment/assault

[KennesawNemo]

Seeking suggestions on a matter regarding DD is in 1st grade in a public school.

TLDR version: DD in 1st grade was harassed by a 1st grade boy. The same boy sexually assaulted another girl one week later and DD was a witness to the whole incident. I am concerned about DD's safety now and am seeking advice about how to communicate with school.

Here is the long story:
About a week ago, I got a phone call from the principal. I was told that during lunch that day, a boy pulled down his pants and flashed himself to DD and two of her friends. I would say the school dealt with that incident properly. The boy was immediately pulled to the principal's office. DD and her friends were counseled by teachers and told the proper way to deal with incidents like this. (Informing the adults, not letting other people touching them, etc. etc.). All parents were notified. I specifically asked both the principal and DD if anyone did anything to provoke that behavior. The answer was no. DD was upset after the incident, but that night, we had a talk. We assured her that she did nothing wrong and reemphasized what she was told at school. We thought that was the end of it.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from the mom of a very good friend of DD. The girls are in the same 1st grade class and are really tight. The mom told me that she wanted to thank me for teaching DD the proper way of handling things. She told me a boy sexually assaulted her daughter at school. (Note: The mom did not use the words of sexual assault, but I am not comfortable sharing what the boy did in specifics on a public forum. I am 100% certain if an adult did that, it would be sexual assault without any doubt. ) Anyway, while that happened, no adult saw it and the friend was rather scared and confused. DD was the one who helped stopping the assault and insisted on telling the teacher about it. So the mom wanted to thank me for that. From the mom's description, I thought the school handled the incident again properly and the mom said she would have a follow up call with the principal today.

I had a bad hunch so I asked DD when I picked her up yesterday and indeed it was the same boy from last week. So we went into a little details about this boy. Based on what DD told me, which may not be 100% correct: he was newly transferred to the school. He in general likes to bother her and her friends. He has poked her with a pen at class, pushed her stuff out of her desk space and put his own stuff on it, etc etc. But the two incidents I mentioned here are the only two that landed him in principal office so far. DD is deeply annoyed by him and makes an effort to avoid him. She said she tried to stay away from him as much as possible when it was floor time and they all had to sit on a carpet. About the assault case, she said her friend did nothing wrong and "he was trying to act as if he likes XXXX, but that's not the right way to like someone".

I praised her for doing the right thing protecting herself and her friend. We also discussed what to do if something like that happens to her: trying to get away, immediately getting adult's attention, fight with all her can if she can get away, etc. etc.

End of story.

Here are couple things that concern me deeply:
1) Same boy sexually harassed and assaulted his classmates twice in one week time.
2) The things he did to DD's friends, I don't think a six year old would just came up with the idea on his own and find it fun to try.
3) I was not notified about the incident yesterday by the school. I guess that's because DD was not a victim, but she was witness to the whole thing and she notified the teacher.
4) The same boy is still in the same class with my daughter.

I have no intention of shunning that boy from society forever, but I need to know that my daughter goes to school to a safe environment. I don't want her to make an effort to avoid someone on a daily base. I am giving the friend's mom some space and time to communicate with the school so I don't want to press her for all details.

My questions is what can I do? I plan to send an email to school, but what are some of the reasonable questions I can ask and requirements I can make? It may vary from school to school, but what are standard procedures of dealing with sexual harassment/assault at elementary school and how repeated offenders are treated?

This is new territory to me. Again, my biggest concern is not to punish the boy, but to make sure everything has been done to protect my daughter and I want to be reasonable. So, WWYD?

Thanks for any suggestions.

 

[mjkacmom]

The school can not tell you what steps they have taken. It sounds like this boy has issues, but the school has been made aware. Did your Dd report the other incidents? At this point I’d tell her to make note of any incident and report them to her teachers.

 

[cabanafrau]

What are the policies and procedures outlined in the school handbook? It's time for school administration to be answering the particulars about what the policies and procedures are. If they do not have adequate answers it's time this is addressed by the school board.

For the sake of the student body and the child committing the offenses this needs to be addressed. A child who has committed actual sexual assault cannot and should not remain in the school. It is still sexual assault if the perpetrator is a child. That is not to say a child should be locked up with the key thrown away. However, proper intervention now can make a world of difference.

You will probably get the most progress if you address this in a general manner re: sexual assault, not in a way regarding this particular student directly. The school should have procedures in place already. If those procedures have not been publicly shared a push to do so may force their hand regarding properly addressing the particular situation that has raised your concerns.

 

[KennesawNemo]

The school can not tell you what steps they have taken. It sounds like this boy has issues, but the school has been made aware. Did your Dd report the other incidents? At this point I’d tell her to make note of any incident and report them to her teachers.

I don't think DD reported the poking with pen and pushing stuff out of desk, but I have done the bold part.

Thanks!

What are the policies and procedures outlined in the school handbook? It's time for school administration to be answering the particulars about what the policies and procedures are. If they do not have adequate answers it's time this is addressed by the school board.

For the sake of the student body and the child committing the offenses this needs to be addressed. A child who has committed actual sexual assault cannot and should not remain in the school. It is still sexual assault if the perpetrator is a child. That is not to say a child should be locked up with the key thrown away. However, proper intervention now can make a world of difference.

You will probably get the most progress if you address this in a general manner re: sexual assault, not in a way regarding this particular student directly. The school should have procedures in place already. If those procedures have not been publicly shared a push to do so may force their hand regarding properly addressing the particular situation that has raised your concerns.

This helps a lot. I am definitely taking note! Thank you!

 

[FlightlessDuck]

There is no way the school will talk to you about an incident with a different student. Bringing up "I was told little Johnny assaulted Susie" will get no response because they are legally not allowed to talk about it.

However, this little monster should be suspended just for pulling down his pants. Now he should be expelled entirely. And probably evaluated for all manner of things. He shouldn't have been in school to assault the other girt. Heck, he should have been in detention, if the pen incident was reported.

Hell, get the police involved.

 

[RangerPooh]

I would continue to document any occurrence, even the little things. What was done now might continue with this child, and documentation will be needed. Hopefully you have a teacher who is receptive to accepting this information and will be collecting their own. I had a student in my class whom I had to document every outburst and action that they did. It can be quite a lot, but will be needed later should things result in actions against the child.

I'm sorry to hear that they girls are going through these things, but you and they are doing everything right. It's hard to process at this age. Hopefully your principal handles things appropriately. I had one principal and counselor who didn't when something similar occurred in my classroom years ago. Police were involved when the student exposed and touched another child. The district was upset but it's about safety not their school getting a ding against them.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

First and foremost, I would talk to the teacher. Explain everything you know and see how she responds. From there, make sure your child is aware of what is okay and what is not and continue keep the pathway open for her (your child) to talk to you. There's not a whole lot (unfortunately) you can do from there. If she sees something, report it. With young ones when they are having issues, there needs to be a RECORDED PATTERN of it oftentimes for authority figures to recognize that they need help. Please... Report anything that makes your child uncomfortable.

 

[KennesawNemo]

There is no way the school will talk to you about an incident with a different student. Bringing up "I was told little Johnny assaulted Susie" will get no response because they are legally not allowed to talk about it.

However, this little monster should be suspended just for pulling down his pants. Now he should be expelled entirely. And probably evaluated for all manner of things. He shouldn't have been in school to assault the other girt. Heck, he should have been in detention, if the pen incident was reported.

Hell, get the police involved.

Thank you! For the red part, I plan to say "My daughter witnessed so and so and she reported it." I also do not plan to ask about what have been done to the boy. I will ask about what has been done to prevent such incident from happening again. Also as previously suggested, I will ask about school policy's and procedures in general.

I would continue to document any occurrence, even the little things. What was done now might continue with this child, and documentation will be needed. Hopefully you have a teacher who is receptive to accepting this information and will be collecting their own. I had a student in my class whom I had to document every outburst and action that they did. It can be quite a lot, but will be needed later should things result in actions against the child.

I'm sorry to hear that they girls are going through these things, but you and they are doing everything right. It's hard to process at this age. Hopefully your principal handles things appropriately. I had one principal and counselor who didn't when something similar occurred in my classroom years ago. Police were involved when the student exposed and touched another child. The district was upset but it's about safety not their school getting a ding against them.

Thank you! I would say each incident alone was handled properly. I just learned from an unverified sauce (another parent), the boy was suspended for five days after the 1st exposing incident.

My biggest concern is that the same boy did same thing repeatedly within about a week. If he was indeed suspended for five days, he would have just been back to school from suspension!

As about calling the police, I am giving the other mom space dealing with this. Not going to lie, I had thought about it and probably would if it's my daughter.

First and foremost, I would talk to the teacher. Explain everything you know and see how she responds. From there, make sure your child is aware of what is okay and what is not and continue keep the pathway open for her (your child) to talk to you. There's not a whole lot (unfortunately) you can do from there. If she sees something, report it. With young ones when they are having issues, there needs to be a RECORDED PATTERN of it oftentimes for authority figures to recognize that they need help. Please... Report anything that makes your child uncomfortable.

I will definitely remind DD to report, let me know and start record, document.

 

[firefly_ris]

I think you got a lot of really good advice and I don't have anything particularly useful to add, but I do have to wonder if there is anything going on at the home of the boy that is giving him these ideas. Kids do weird things so possibly not, but it's something I would be thinking about... like if CPS should be involved. Perhaps the school is already doing that but they can't tell you that.

 

[zoo2tycoon]

I’m so sorry you are going through this! Hopefully things will be handled and the boy gets the help he needs. Sounds like you got good advice here and are being proactive.

 

[serenitynow]

Report the incident to the police.

 

[disindec]

There is no way the school will talk to you about an incident with a different student. Bringing up "I was told little Johnny assaulted Susie" will get no response because they are legally not allowed to talk about it.

However, this little monster should be suspended just for pulling down his pants. Now he should be expelled entirely. And probably evaluated for all manner of things. He shouldn't have been in school to assault the other girt. Heck, he should have been in detention, if the pen incident was reported.

Hell, get the police involved.

I rarely post here but... You should be careful about calling children monsters. You have no idea if this kid has been and is currently being sexually assaulted himself. This could be a major cry for help and he’s expressing himself the only way he knows how.
OP... The school should be reporting this behavior to CPS. But you also don’t know or say if this child is already in the system. He may also have an IEP. Make sure your daughter keeps reporting any and all incidents to her teacher and you. Keep a log.

 

[mom2rtk]

I would move her to a different class to minimize her exposure to the child.

 

[mjkacmom]

I rarely post here but... You should be careful about calling children monsters. You have no idea if this kid has been and is currently being sexually assaulted himself. This could be a major cry for help and he’s expressing himself the only way he knows how.
OP... The school should be reporting this behavior to CPS. But you also don’t know or say if this child is already in the system. He may also have an IEP. Make sure your daughter keeps reporting any and all incidents to her teacher and you. Keep a log.

I agree, this is a six year old boy acting inappropriately, and we don’t know why. My friend’s 14 year old autistic son took off his bathing suit at my bbq in front of over 50 people. His disability is pretty obvious, so no one seemed to be offended. A six year old could have issues that haven’t even been diagnosed.

 

[serenitynow]

Once the incident is reported to the police, children’s protective services will be notified. If there is abuse in the offenders home, that should start the ball rolling towards getting the boy’s home life investigated for possible sexual abuse.

Do not count on the school to handle this. Your child and the other children have been the victims of a crime. The victims of this crime are entitled to have these incidents properly investigated and dealt with by the criminal justice system. If there is counseling available for sexual assault survivors, the children involved should be able to avail themselves of these services.

What you have described is not normal, age appropriate behavior. While you may feel sympathy and concern for the little boy, he should not be your first concern.

Your interests, as the parent of an assault survivor, are not the same as the interests of the school or the offender.

Please be an advocate for your child and let the school worry about the offender.

 

[verleniahall]

It sounds like there is a good posibility that the boy is being assulted at school and acting out becuase of it.

CPS and the School need to be involved

 

[tzolkin]

Your interests, as the parent of an assault survivor, are not the same as the interests of the school or the offender.

Please be an advocate for your child and let the school worry about the offender.

I certainly don't think the OP should ignore this incident, but I really think the bolded is a bit over the top. If a 5 year old flashed my kid (in public at the lunch table) I would not put myself in the category of being a "parent of a (sexual) assault survivor".

 

[RUDisney]

It sounds like there is a good posibility that the boy is being assulted at school and acting out becuase of it.

CPS and the School need to be involved

^^^ This. ^^^

 

[mjkacmom]

It sounds like there is a good posibility that the boy is being assulted at school and acting out becuase of it.

CPS and the School need to be involved

Why do you think this boy is being assaulted at school school. The school year just started, if his behavior is due to assault, it most likely happens out of sight, and school children are rarely out of sight.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I would be insisting that the school not leave your daughter unattended with this boy. Twice he has been able to do something inappropriate. Regardless of any underlying issues, your daughter shouldn’t have to worry about him doing something that she witnesses again. The school should have a monitor standing by him at all times at this point, but you can’t insist on that. All you can insist on is that they keep YOUR daughter safe so that school doesn’t become a hostile environment for her.