Desperately need parental advice!

[tomthebarncat]

I'm sorry but if this was my kid, I would cut the financial ties! Life is about choices and the good thing about being an adult is you get to make them for yourself. You also get to live with the consequences. Your daughter sounds brainwashed, a 33 year old loser just getting out jail, with an illegitimate child. That sounds like a winner!! If she is not smart enough to see that this guy is a loser than let her learn the hard way. I would tell her if she wants to continue this relationship, she needs to move out, grow up, become independent and pay for it. She is doing well now but when loser gets out of jail, and is in her life 24 hours a day, she will not be doing well. He will also probably get her involved in drugs and other stuff that goes along with being a loser just out of jail. Let her learn the hard way and then welcome her back home when he breaks her heart or her jaw!! or both. I would not pay for anything in her life t include university. She wants to be an adult then I would let her!! Wow, what a situation!! sometimes I am glad that I only have a dog!!

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

If you tell her the old "My way or the highway" you could easily push her right into his arms. Young adults love to make their own decisions and would rather listen to their hormones than parents. When our teenage son made stupid decisions we called it testosterone poisoning.

I know a young woman that was told, my way or the highway, and she took the highway.

She eloped with her boyfriend. And her family didn't speak to her for a while. After the woman had a couple of children the family came around, a little, but continued to be sure that the couple would never make it. They again cut her out of their lives because she wouldn't do what they wanted, which was to leave the man.

When the couple died, they had been married 47 years. Yes, it was my parents, and I grew up with only one set of relatives, because my mother's family drew a line in the sand.

What am I saying? OP be very careful about drawing a line in the sand. Because your daughter might just move out and cut you totally out of her life. That doesn't mean that you have to fund this romance. But forbidding a 19 year old from seeing or dating someone might not work out the way you think it will.

 

[PizzieDuster]

I'd just bawl. Cry. Cry cry cry. "I'm so worried" cry cry cry. They hate to see mom like that. It's better than arguing.

Seriously, I wouldn't know what to do but just love her. Let her know she can always come back to you but let her go. She'll come back. I'd be worried about drugs. Withdrawal from family is one of the signs.

I know I would be crying in my pillow and I wouldn't hide it. Well, I do have a sign in the downstairs bathroom from my boys that says "My Mom Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips". That's me. I'm good at it.

Good blessings for you and your daughter and your family!

 

[teller80]

I'm in the "the more you try to stop it, the more enticing this guy is to her" camp.

As much as it would kill me, I would make nice with him. Invite him over for dinner, talk nice about him to your daughter, etc. It'll make it easier for your DD to see him for who he really is. And who knows, maybe the guy may not be so bad afterall. My dad was in prison for 10 years before he met my mom, I'm sure my grandparents were horrified. He changed in prison and became a hardworking family man.

Is she on birth control?

You should go for counseling, it'll help. Or find a support group - is it called Tough Love or something like that? It's helpful to find others who share what you're going through.

Good luck, and hugs to you.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Have you spent any time with the guy? (before he was arrested, I mean) I'm not saying it will change your opinion of him, but I think it will give your opinion much more weight with your daughter if she feels you gave him a chance and formed your own thoughts about him, rather than just dismissed him on circumstances. (She likely doesn't realize that you understand and worry more about how those circumstances will effect her life than she does right now.)

I've always heard that the surest way to push a kid into a relationship is to forbid it, so you might have to be patient here. While he's away, she probably feels like some sort of romantic heroine, but once he's back, reality will set in, and she may decide he's not right for her on her own.

 

[marlynnp]

I'm in the "the more you try to stop it, the more enticing this guy is to her" camp.

As much as it would kill me, I would make nice with him. Invite him over for dinner, talk nice about him to your daughter, etc. It'll make it easier for your DD to see him for who he really is. And who knows, maybe the guy may not be so bad afterall. My dad was in prison for 10 years before he met my mom, I'm sure my grandparents were horrified. He changed in prison and became a hardworking family man.

Is she on birth control?

You should go for counseling, it'll help. Or find a support group - is it called Tough Love or something like that? It's helpful to find others who share what you're going through.

Good luck, and hugs to you.

And you could make a big deal about him moving so close and how nice it will be for him to take over providing for her and paying for her last year of school (since you still have the younger kids to take care of)...
he might just find out he's not so interested in her after all.

 

[aaarcher86]

I want to thank everyone for their responses. Yes, she is very invested in her life with the boyfriend and his family. She has only been dating him for a few months, so the quickness of this has been devestating. She "knew" we would not like anything about this situation, which is why she lied about everything. On top of that, she treats everyone in this family like we are nothing. If I ask her anything she mumbles and walks away, or just ignores me completely. She doesn't speak to her younger brother or sister either. My DH is old school and doesn't put up with stuff and will call her on it far more often than I do; she never interacts with him at all. So she is rude, ingnorant, disrespectful, and I feel she knows she can't afford to live anywhere else so is only "tolerating" us because she has to live here until she gets her degree. She will have it by spring of 2016. Then she is out of here. And I am very surprised at parents anymore. I can't believe his mother, who she speaks to often (yet DD won't give me the time of day), knows we don't want to encourage this relationship, yet supplies her the letters from prison and is encouraging. Your son is messed up so you encourage a relationship with a 19 yr old girl with her whole life in front of her? I feel like we may have already lost her. I don't know how to get her back without giving in to her demands. She did tell me when he gets out he will be living two blocks from here, so very easy for her to see him. She has always been so strong willed and was never an easy child, but she always seemed to have such a good head on her shoulders. And she would comment on the stupid things her friends did. This situation has thrown me. My husband feels we can't win either way. We make demands on her, she resents us even more, and we let her see him, then she just keeps using us and getting herself in even deeper.

Giving in only affirms her crappy behavior. Even without the boyfriend, that attitude wouldn't fly in my house.

I still stand by the tough love advise. Life's not much of a Fairytale when there's no money, no car, and no job. When he wants to go to the bar with his friends and she's home by herself since she's underage, she'll get lonely.

Honestly, I lived with family for college and at one point was told if I continued to date someone I wouldn't be allowed to live there anymore. At first I was pissed and snuck around, but when I realized they were serious I cut it off. A month later he and his brother were driving around like idiots, hit a tree, and he died. I could have easily been in the car too.

I wasn't quite as immature as your daughter sounds. Hopefully she grows up, gets some self respect, and realizes what you saw sooner rather than later. But you don't deserve to live with hatred being thrown at you and it's setting a poor example for her siblings.

 

[Art 1]

I'm very sorry you have to go through something like this. I can only imagine your pain. Probably not a whole lot you can do. It's in the nature it seems for some young women to be attracted to bad boys for some reason. I would be doing a lot of praying that she doesn't get pregnant. I know for me I would be having a very strong sit down with this guy. Enough that he would know who he would have to deal with if a problem arose. Maybe strong enough that he would feel it was in his best interest to disappear.

 

[Vernie822]

I am 24, so not too much older than your daughter. I never dated anyone my parents would have disapproved of to that degree - but I know what it's like to seek your parents' approval and to have them be less than impressed. I brought home my share of "perfect boyfriends" over the years. I know that if my mom would have said "I don't want you dating him", it would have made the chase that much more thrilling. It may seem amazing to her to be able to drive your car, live with him, etc. I would say, don't burn your bridges too quickly. Because at some point, if she is really that mad at you and her dad, he'll be the one she runs to. BUT, on the flipside, if you let her do some soul searching (while still keeping a watchful eye), I'm sure she will realize she has a bright future ahead of her and she'll make this decision for herself.

My mother and I used to argue about everything during my teenage and early college years. I do appreciate my parents, I always have. She would say to me "Your mother is always right!" and I learned not too long after leaving for college, that she was!! She will come around!!

 

[cabanafrau]

I want to thank everyone for their responses.

Yes, she is very invested in her life with the boyfriend and his family. She has only been dating him for a few months, so the quickness of this has been devestating.

She "knew" we would not like anything about this situation, which is why she lied about everything. On top of that, she treats everyone in this family like we are nothing.

If I ask her anything she mumbles and walks away, or just ignores me completely. She doesn't speak to her younger brother or sister either. My DH is old school and doesn't put up with stuff and will call her on it far more often than I do; she never interacts with him at all.

So she is rude, ingnorant, disrespectful, and I feel she knows she can't afford to live anywhere else so is only "tolerating" us because she has to live here until she gets her degree. She will have it by spring of 2016. Then she is out of here.

And I am very surprised at parents anymore. I can't believe his mother, who she speaks to often (yet DD won't give me the time of day), knows we don't want to encourage this relationship, yet supplies her the letters from prison and is encouraging. Your son is messed up so you encourage a relationship with a 19 yr old girl with her whole life in front of her?

I feel like we may have already lost her. I don't know how to get her back without giving in to her demands. She did tell me when he gets out he will be living two blocks from here, so very easy for her to see him.

She has always been so strong willed and was never an easy child, but she always seemed to have such a good head on her shoulders. And she would comment on the stupid things her friends did. This situation has thrown me.

My husband feels we can't win either way. We make demands on her, she resents us even more, and we let her see him, then she just keeps using us and getting herself in even deeper.

I hate to break it to you, OP, but from his mother's perspective her son may have finally found nice girl.

I hesitate to give my recommendations because the stakes on this are so high. I would however recommend you seeking some professional advice because I think it would be well worth it.

Good luck to you. As a mom I cannot imagine your level of worry and heartache over this.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP, first and foremost, you have my sympathies. I have a 17 year old daughter--I am sure I would be completely distraught if she were in such a relationship.

That said, reading what you have written--I am left feeling like the relationship that you and your husband have with your daughter is far too antagonistic for you to have any kind of a positive influence in the current situation.

You say that your DD is disrespectful, and she very likely is. Then again, you say that you and your DH yell and there are lots of fights, so it seems that lack of respect goes both ways.

You admit that you disliked her last choice in boyfriend and there were lots of fights about that (or car use, but with him as the root cause, which is basically the same thing, especially in her mind).

Personally, I think the best way to help your DD is going to be getting your DH on board and the both of you working on your relationship with HER. This does not mean tolerating rudeness and letting things slide. It does mean setting clear boundaries and consistently insisting everyone follow groundrules, (you parents as well).
It also means that boundaries and rules should only apply to the things that directly affect you (how she behaves towards you or in your home, grades if you are paying for classes, etc) and not to choices that affect her life on a larger level (who she dates). Part of respecting her, is treating her like the young adult, responsible for her own life choices, that she is.

I think only once you have rebuilt your relationship, you will stop being "the enemy" and THEN, perhaps, your DD will be able to "hear" you if you calmly and rationally explain why you are concerned for her in any given relationship.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am at a loss, and way too emotionally involved to even think clearly.

I found out about 2 months ago that my DD19 was dating a 33 yr old guy, who was in jail from a protection from abuse violation. (She is almost 20 and she told us he was 24).

The previous boyfriend was a nice enough kid but working minimum wage jobs and sleeping on his friend's sofa. When dating him, she was going through a lot of money in gas driving him around and wasn't doing well in college. Many fights over that, as she was always broke and putting a lot of mileage on our car. I was glad when they broke up.

This guy started out as a "group" type of thing. Then they were going hiking and then she tells me she is dating him. He was working construction, and seemed nice enough. She was accepted in a selective program in college, and started in August. That is when we find out he is in jail, his age, and she had been lying about a lot of things.

Of course we didn't understand, the ex girlfriend was a trouble maker, (there is a child involved), and he is really sweet and doesn't deserve anything that is happening to him. With some research, the ex is a trouble maker and has had issues with the law herself.

DH told her she needed to concentrate on herself and she was not to see him or have contact with him again. He was too old for her and had too many issues, etc. She was not happy, but he was in prison and I kept a close watch on her to see how she was going to act.

She actually is doing very well in her program, and it's a tough one, she was going to school, going to work and occasionally meeting some friends.

Though some things I found when painting her room, she has been receiving letters from him via his mother, who keeps my daughter in the loop. She has also been visiting him in prison.

Today we had a big blow out. She doesn't see why we have a problem as she is doing well in school, and she should be able to date who she wants. He will be released soon, probation, and she is going to start seeing him again. And she doesn't care what we say.

We can forbid it all we want, but she will ignore us. My DH is "she is living in our house and will do as we say for now, or else". I don't want to lose my daughter, but I don't want her getting involved any further in this mess. I am so upset and don't know where to go from here.

How would you parents handle this?

Aaackk...that is a very tough one.

Have you met him?

So she is doing well in school, has a job, and seems to be OK.

We would sit her down, explain how upset we are with the choices she is making because of the lying and the fact he is a felon with a history of abuse, has a child, and a felon EXGF.

We would further say this is something that is VERY ADULT to handle. So since she wants to jump in with both feet into the "adult pool" then we are going to treat her as an adult in the house.

Then go through the things that you expect from her.

No more lying.

She will need to pay for her XYZ (phone, gas, car, insurance/medical, etc.).

Talk about curfews in there too as well as spending the night with him, which is going to happen. You expect a text or phone call if you are out late or not coming home. You need to be transparent.

If you want to live as an adult, then you will be treated as such and you expect the same thing in return.

Then you go on further and explain that if she does not want to "live as an adult in the house", then she needs to make plans to move out.

I am a mom of 2 girls, 18 and 23.

My 23yodd moved out with her 40yo BF. So, I have had this conversation before. My dd is hanging in there and trying to get herself together. Now her BF is a decent guy and they get along.

We do not create WW3, we approach the situation "as a matter of fact". Lay it on the line adult to adult.

HUGS to you. We would be upset beyond all reason too. Hang in there.

 

[Vernie822]

Something to add.. Not sure if this will work for you as every parent/child is different and I am not a parent.

When I first started dating my fiance, he was 24 and I was 21, almost 22. He lived with his best friend, worked full time, and lived on the other side of town. I was in college finishing up my last semester. I thought it was the greatest thing that I had a financially stable, older boyfriend, who was mature and had his own place - a huge step up from stinky frat houses. I began spending the night there, sometimes unannounced and to my parents' disapproval. I have 4 younger siblings. I'm always concerned with the impression I'm making on them, but at 21, staying the night at my BF's house after a night out with friends sounded awesome. So I began to, I didn't really begin lying to my parents, I just wasn't telling them that I was staying the night, or I'd tell them at 11 PM. My parents put a stop to that really quickly. I was sat down and they gave me a stern talking to - they said that although I have 1 semester left, I still lived at home. I still followed their rules. I still had to be home at night, unless it was previously determined that we'd be out late and I had approval to stay there.

I was very angry with my parents for trying to control me - not that I was running wild or anything. They just wanted to make sure I was still following their rules since I was still living under their roof. And I realized, that day, while having that discussion, that while I was still living under their roof, I was their responsibility. And after 21 years, I owed it to them to give them a call and respect their wishes. They weren't asking much! Maybe suggest to your daughter that she just has to let you know where she is at all times, and that she's not to spend the night there. Maybe she'll put herself in your shoes - you're her mom, you're going to worry! That's how I felt with my parents, anyways.

 

[puffkin]

Curious...but what field is she getting a degree in?

 

[spima3]

Curious...but what field is she getting a degree in?

She is in a 2 yr Physical Therapy Assistant program. It is highly selective and she was accepted into it off a wait listl. It was such a blessing that she got in. I do think she realizes this, which is why she is working much harder this year than last year. (different college, different degree)

She is funding most of her education from loans, we just don't have it. She does get need based financial aid, and we did buy her a good used car with great gas mileage so she could get to school. We cover her car insurance and of course her health expenses. We bought her books, and since the program is highly selective, there were no scholarships from the school itself, so we picked up the difference there as well.

DH and I just went and took out a second mortgage on our house as we depleted our checking account to cover the expenses for the new college. I am more than willing to do this as the program is worth it. And I know she will at least have a skill that can lead to a good paying profession. My son is graduating this year, top of his class, so we are going to be hit with more expenses very soon.

The first boyfriend was a money drain as she was driving him all over the place, then she would get angry with us because we told her she needed to pay for gas for the car. At that time, the school was 10 minutes away so she should not have been going through $100 a week in gas money. Work is 5 minutes from home.

She is also angry we aren't footing the entire expense for college. We don't have it. I have tried having a reasonable discussion about this and the costs we are picking up. Anytime I try to sit down and talk to her like a young adult, she just gets nasty and gets up and walks away.

So yes, I end up yelling, but it is usually after the constant attitude and frustration in her unwillingness to listen to anything.

She wants what she wants and doesn't want to hear anything anyone has to say. I also found out she has been giving his mother money to help out the boyfriend, probably legal fees.

With the new program, it is farther away, but she will only have a year and a half there as the second semester of her final year is doing clinicals. She was looking for an apartment nearer the school, but it was so when the boyfriend gets out of jail, they can live together.

We never had the finances to spoil our kids with material things, but in many ways I think we spoiled her in trying to accomadate her wishes in most things she wanted to do. That is why I think she is so incredibly ticked off now, becasue we can't support this relationship.

 

[robinb]

Ugh. I have a strong willed 15-year old daughter and I feel your pain.

I agree with what previous posters have said about sitting down and talking with her as adult-to-adult. Keep calm and stay with the facts--talk about your desire for her to do well in college so she can get a good job and support herself in the future, talk about how you will help with the college education as long as she still lives at home and keeps her grades up, bring up the red flags in the relationship very calmly (ex-wife and child who will always be in the picture, is she ready to be a stepmom, concerns that he is in prison, etc), let her know that you don't approve of the relationship but know you can't tell her who to date and that you will be there for her if she needs you. I would also let her know that he is not allowed in your house or car.

If she is using your car (you own it, pay insurance), I would set parameters on that--she can use the car to go to school and to work, but will have to find another way to go see him. (And I would let her know that you will be checking the mileage--if she objects remind her that it is your car and that she can always buy her own car or find other transportation to school/job). Let her start paying for the gas for the car--I would not fund this relationship at all. If it is her car that she bought and paid for and she pays the insurance, then you cannot tell her what to do with the car in terms of where she drives it or who is in it, but I would not be giving her gas money.

Hang in there. Hopefully she will see him for what he is before it is too late--pregnancy, abused, in trouble with the law. Be there for her so that she has a safe haven to come home to.

This is exactly how I feel. I don't think that the "tough love" will do anything but send her running to him and his family. OP, I think your #1 priority is to keep her in college and on the right track for independence. While there is will be surrounded by men that are not felons and abusers so she can continue to see the difference in people making something of themselves and 33-year old loser "bad boy" parents who want to sleep with teens.

I wouldn't look at it as giving into her, but as a way to support her as she figures things out. He will eventually show his true self. If his true self is who she thinks he is, then it's all good. If he's who you think he is, you will be right there for her.

 

[aaarcher86]

She is in a 2 yr Physical Therapy Assistant program. It is highly selective and she was accepted into it off a wait listl. It was such a blessing that she got in. I do think she realizes this, which is why she is working much harder this year than last year. (different college, different degree) She is funding most of her education from loans, we just don't have it. She does get need based financial aid, and we did buy her a good used car with great gas mileage so she could get to school. We cover her car insurance and of course her health expenses. We bought her books, and since the program is highly selective, there were no scholarships from the school itself, so we picked up the difference there as well. DH and I just went and took out a second mortgage on our house as we depleted our checking account to cover the expenses for the new college. I am more than willing to do this as the program is worth it. And I know she will at least have a skill that can lead to a good paying profession. My son is graduating this year, top of his class, so we are going to be hit with more expenses very soon. The first boyfriend was a money drain as she was driving him all over the place, then she would get angry with us because we told her she needed to pay for gas for the car. At that time, the school was 10 minutes away so she should not have been going through $100 a week in gas money. Work is 5 minutes from home. She is also angry we aren't footing the entire expense for college. We don't have it. I have tried having a reasonable discussion about this and the costs we are picking up. Anytime I try to sit down and talk to her like a young adult, she just gets nasty and gets up and walks away. So yes, I end up yelling, but it is usually after the constant attitude and frustration in her unwillingness to listen to anything. She wants what she wants and doesn't want to hear anything anyone has to say. I also found out she has been giving his mother money to help out the boyfriend, probably legal fees. With the new program, it is farther away, but she will only have a year and a half there as the second semester of her final year is doing clinicals. She was looking for an apartment nearer the school, but it was so when the boyfriend gets out of jail, they can live together. We never had the finances to spoil our kids with material things, but in many ways I think we spoiled her in trying to accomadate her wishes in most things she wanted to do. That is why I think she is so incredibly ticked off now, becasue we can't support this relationship.

A dose of reality would do this kid some good, IMO.

 

[tasha99]

I hope she stays in school through all this---PTA is a great career choice with lots of opportunities and excellent pay for a 2 year degree.

 

[Colleen27]

This is exactly how I feel. I don't think that the "tough love" will do anything but send her running to him and his family. OP, I think your #1 priority is to keep her in college and on the right track for independence. While there is will be surrounded by men that are not felons and abusers so she can continue to see the difference in people making something of themselves and 33-year old loser "bad boy" parents who want to sleep with teens.

I wouldn't look at it as giving into her, but as a way to support her as she figures things out. He will eventually show his true self. If his true self is who she thinks he is, then it's all good. If he's who you think he is, you will be right there for her.

I agree. When I was 17 and dating someone entirely inappropriate my mom tried the tough love thing... so I moved in with him, dropped out of college in favor of tech school (a decision I'd probably have made anyway but that was pushed along by not having a car), got pregnant, and made my path in life much more difficult than it needed to be in the time it took me to "outgrow" my ex. I don't regret that because in the end it got me where I am, and I really like where I am in life. But should I ever face a similar situation with one of my kids my top priority would be keeping the "big picture" stuff like school and work on track while the relationship runs its course. A young adult with a promising future will eventually outgrow a loser with a dead-end job, criminal record, child support to pay, etc. as it comes to hamper the lifestyle she wants for herself. The trick is to make sure she doesn't make any mistakes that have permanent/long-term ramifications before that epiphany comes.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP---My teen can push my buttons and I end up yelling at times. It is hard not to.
I'm not saying you are the enemy here, but your daughter probably sees you that way--just that it seems like from all of your descriptions (this last included) it seems that you (and your DH) and your DD are currently locked in a pretty adversarial relationship and while that is going on, nothing you say about her boyfriend is going to registrar with her in any sort of a positive way--so if you want to help her there, you need to work on the relationship you have with her.

Personally, it sounds like, from your update, she has a pretty immature and self centered sense of entitlement going on at the moment (not uncommon for the age, but annoying as heck for you and in need of a dose of reality).
It also sounds like she is somehow getting her hands on plenty of psending money (100s in gas, $$ to give the boyfriend's mom)--where is this coming from?

I don't really know, having not been through this sort of thing, but I think I would try to do things that do not relate to the boyfriend per se, but are just related to giving her what is reasonable within your budget, and in ways that make her spend what you are giving her on the things you are giving it to her for and letting her control things from there.

You can afford X amount to help her with school. You will pay that directly to the school for tuition (if her grades stay up) and go with her her to buy and pay for books.
If she is upset that you cannot afford to pay 100% for her school, well, you are sorry she is frustrated, but this is what you can and will do and there is not going to be any further negotiation there so oh well (then walk away--yes, I know, 1000 times more easily said than done).

You have gifted her a car and can afford to give her enough gas money to get to/from school and work which works out to Y amount per month. You'll give her a gas card for that amount. Any driving she wants to do beyond that is fine with you, it's her car, but she'll have to pay for that gas herself.

etc. Basically, maybe it will help to take the boyfriend (current, former, next) out of the equations by figuring out what you really want to provide and setting a fixed amount and way to provide it and not letting everything get all mixed up into one big argument.