Should I pay for my college student?

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I'm not sure why---I'Ve reread it and fixed two minor typos, but nothing that should have made it incomprehensible.

Basically, as a general rule I think it is perfectly reasonable to travel with children still living at home and not those off at college. Why? Well one reason is that the one older child(ren) got a full 18 ish years of family vacations. The xounger will then also get a full 18ish years of family vacations. If the family travelled less to accomidate bringing along the college student, then teh yougner child would actually have fwer vacations while growing up than the older did.

That said, in this case it is a graduation trip. not a normal vacation. The oldest's graduation trip included both a friend and her sibling so i think that should be the case now. Unless the family truly canNOT afford it (and it is only 2 years later).

I hpe that clear it up Wishing on a Star

I'll add:

I think either way is probably OK though. However, if it were me, and if the oldest is not invited I'd tell her as soon as possible so she isn't assuming she'll be included and getitng excited about it and I would make it about finances and not about her grades, etc.

The oldest's issues with college and not doign well, losing scholarships, etc is a seperate issue which sounds like somethign which very much needs addressed, but I personally do not think that issue should play into the family planning for the gradaution trip.

You explained it better then I did

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

*Full disclosure not trying to be mean just providing my opinion*

I'm coming from a different track here..I never had financial aid from either parent. I certaintly understand wishing they do well in college period regardless of financial aid or not and I def. get wanting grades to be at least decent when financial aid is given but honestly to me the whole grade and college thing is separate from this whole trip thing.

It comes off like a bit ultimatum here....get good grades or you're disinvited from the trip.

I'll give my rationale:
Here's the thing about multiple children..did the youngest get to go on the oldest's trip as a given? Reason I ask is because if the HS graduation trips are treated as a given why is there even a question or not if your oldest gets to go regardless of financial factors?

In other words do you treat HS graduations as a one-on-one special trip just for the person graduating which may or may not include siblings or is this considered a family event where you're also celebrating that one person of that family graduating? I'm hoping this makes sense.

Using my own upbringing my sister wanted to go to WDW as a belated (actually 2 years later) HS graduation gift (she missed out on a cruise during her freshman year of college so this was sorta making it up to her while also calling it a belated HS graduation gift). If my dad (who was the one that took us) treated it as a special gift for my sister then I wouldn't expect to be invited even though I am 3 years younger than her (at that time I was 17). I understand some families would just invite regardless but you've already put this out there that you have doubts on the whole thing. Anywho if my dad treated it like a family event but also a celebration I would expect to be invited and in your exact situation m dad would pay as well.

IDK I just get the feeling that you're trying to justify not having the eldest on the trip as some sort of punishment for not making good enough grades. I don't know your family obviously but expectations should be clear on this. In the eldest's child's shoes I can understand being hurt that my mom is giving me this ultimatum here knowing that my younger sister got to go on my trip to celebrate and if she hasn't been told to save up for this graduation trip....that's why people brought up knowing the eldest child couldn't pay..because truth is she probably can't afford to go.

As for bringing up your eldest's daughter's Mexico trip....sounds like you're trying to hold that trip over your daughter's head. It was out of your control since this was your ex. Do you think it is fair to say "well you got to go on a Mexico trip with your father even though you're not getting good enough grades and I'm helping you pay for college so I'm not too keen on this idea of letting you go on this trip with us for your sister"? I mean take it up with your ex then if you really don't think it was appropriate for him to take her on that trip. Honestly I don't think that should even be in the conversation either just like the grades.

Now that being said after this HS trip...then all other trips after that would be considered family vacations without justifications and thus as you have already explained after age 18 its on the person to pay if they want to come or not.

 

[BLAZEY]

I say no don't pay. Invite her to come if she is able to save the money to pay for herself (except maybe the hotel room). She's 20 years old now, 21 next year, she is NOT a child, but an ADULT! You said no more vacations after high school graduation. As for the argument that YDD got to go on her trip, did she go on trips before her sister was born? At someone the line has to be drawn. You drew it at high school graduation and for her that has passed.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Need some opinions here. I have 20 year old college student who lives away in a college town. We are planning a trip to Disneyland for her younger sisters high school graduation next summer. At this point we don't plan on paying for my college daughter to go. She is welcome to go but would need to pay her own way.

Here is some insight on what our situation is...my youngest who will be graduating high school is bringing a friend as it will be her senior trip. (We did the same for my oldest but her younger sister also went because she was still school age and living in the house.) We will have a hard time paying for my oldest to go because it will be hard enough to for 4 of us. My college student also hasn't done well at college and has lost her financial aid because she isn't meeting the requirements. That has lead to larger personal loans. She does work part time but mainly lives off her loans.

My feelings...I have some guilt because we have always paid until now. I still have some anger because she hasn't done well in college and still continues to rack up debt. She hasn't taken ownership for her poor performance in school and gets mad if I try to talk to her about it.

She did just go on a 7 day trip to Mexico with her dad. My husband is her stepdad.

She's a member of your family. Pay for her to go. Enjoy your FAMILY trip. Take lots of pictures.Maybe let all know this is the last family trip where *you* pay for everyone. Let me say from experience, family vacations are harder to take as kids get older. And how she's doing in school is off limits to talk about on the trip. Just enjoy your kids!!

 

[mummabear]

Thanks for the reply. I've had that same thought about not going. We could present it for her for birthday as it will be her 21st but that would be her present.

When her sister came on her graduation trip did you give it to the sister as her birthday present? Or did the sister just get to come along? If the sister got to come to hers "free of charge, no strings not a gift etc" the same rules should apply to your 20 year old and her sisters graduation trip.

 

[sk!mom]

Did she get to take a friend along on her Senior trip?

Honestly, I would pay her way since her sister got to go on hers.

I think that you are disappointed in her college experience and that is coloring your opinion here. To me they are separate. Her consequence for her poor college performance is the loans she's taking.

 

[dzorn]

Yes I would pay for her to go. Her sister got to go on the her graduation trip, so I should be a family trip again. I would also get to the bottom of why her grades are poor. That is more of a concern for me. DD is just staring college in the fall so we just went through parent orientation. They suggest working no more than 10-12 per week for a full time student. I would inquire how many hours your DD is working, working more is not going to improve her grades. If she is just partying then time to come home from school and work part time and do community college till she can get her act together.

 

[kirstenb1]

I don't agree at all with the "no vacations after 18" idea at all. But if you've already clearly stated that, then your older daughter should know this is a family rule. The significant potential hitch I see, is usually traveling with 5 requires 2 rooms, whereas 4 doesn't. If you decide to charge your older daughter, I don't think she should have to pay the cost of the whole extra room.

My parents are in their seventies, and we still vacation together. Sometimes they pay, sometimes we pay.

 

[Nancyg56]

Need some opinions here. I have 20 year old college student who lives away in a college town. We are planning a trip to Disneyland for her younger sisters high school graduation next summer. At this point we don't plan on paying for my college daughter to go. She is welcome to go but would need to pay her own way.

Here is some insight on what our situation is...my youngest who will be graduating high school is bringing a friend as it will be her senior trip. (We did the same for my oldest but her younger sister also went because she was still school age and living in the house.) We will have a hard time paying for my oldest to go because it will be hard enough to for 4 of us. My college student also hasn't done well at college and has lost her financial aid because she isn't meeting the requirements. That has lead to larger personal loans. She does work part time but mainly lives off her loans.

My feelings...I have some guilt because we have always paid until now. I still have some anger because she hasn't done well in college and still continues to rack up debt. She hasn't taken ownership for her poor performance in school and gets mad if I try to talk to her about it.

She did just go on a 7 day trip to Mexico with her dad. My husband is her stepdad.

You have multiple issues here and I think you are using them to validate not taking your oldest on this trip.

First, you are irritated with your daughter becuase of her grades, etc, and I get that. My oldest was not serious in college. I refuse to pay for bad grades, He got one second chance. Period. After that he had a choice: pay your own freight or do not. Any discussion we had concerning school and grades was always separate from how he was treated as a family member.

Second, your finances are going to be stretched with the trip if your oldest joins you, and you still are upset over the higher costs of her education. Personally, I would not have assumed the additional costs, but would have had a come to Jesus meeting about my expectations in regards to her educational and my financial assistance. I am not sure how you handled this, but I see no correlation between a family trip, and this is a family trip no matter how youframe it, and her grades.

Third, You seem to think she already had her vacation becuase she went with her Dad. But what about your family? She stays home ?

I tend to agrees with @Mackenzie Click-Mickelson in that you are using her grades as a validation to leave her home. I would not suggest you do this. You get very little time to have your adult children to join you so I would create a budget that would include her.

Thank you everyone, it's been a good discussion. I feel a little better having all of your input. Just have a tough decision to make. It's still a year away so I can see how this next semester of college goes before I decide

You need to be clear about the connection between her performance and joining you on the trip if this is what you base hte decision on.

I don't know what I want to do. In a perfect world we would have plenty of money and there would be no question about bringing her. Unfortunately that isn't the case. I want her to go. We have always taken both girls but the situation has changed and they are older now.

It never really gets easier. I have adult children, and all are married. I know that while we do not always pick up the whole bill, we do what we can so no one gets left behind if we plan a family trip.

I keep hearing that you maybe can't afford the older one. I am also hearing that her losing financial aid is directly impacting your ability to take her on this vacation. If those things are really the case, then, no, I don't think you have to take her, but I would have an adult conversation about finances. Heck, my 11 year old wanted (and kind of needed) a new computer for his 10th birthday, so we had a discussion that he would not have a party that year but we would put money towards the computer. His siblings had there birthday party that year (but got inexpensive gifts). There were no ill feelings because we explained. It wasn't a punishment it was a financial reality.

Personally, I would pay for my older child to go in this situation if I could. It would not be tied to school performance except if paying more for college made it not feasible financially.

I agree that as our kids grow they need to be taught responsibility. And consequences, but those consequences need to be clear before they experience them.

 

[sam_gordon]

we have always told the kids that they are responsible for paying for vacations once they graduate high school.

This is from the first page and I believe the OP has repeated it. To me, once this rule has been established, it doesn't matter whether she's doing well in school or not. She's graduated HS, therefore she's responsible for paying for the vacation. And yes, I consider a "graduation trip" a vacation. I don't understand how it wouldn't be.

If you want to give her a chance of having you pay, then I think it does come with an ultimatum... do better in school. But you need to define what "better" means. It will probably mean grades because that's objective.

Or you can just pay. I think that potentially opens a can of worms in a year or two when you go on vacation and DD wants you to take her.

All three options are valid IMO. As for our family, we wouldn't say we're not paying after you graduate HS, so that option is out. Depending on how bad the kid was doing in college (working hard but not getting the grades or not trying?) would determine if we use option 2 or option 3. I don't think the friend factors in to the equation on whether you pay or not.

 

[mummabear]

Yes, except we paid for one of her friend's to go when she graduated high school too.

But of you can truley only take 4 why would you choose a friend over your own child?

If it's a family vacation, and you stated you have always told the kids that you'll stop paying for vacations after HS grad, then don't pay for older DD. If this is how your family celebrates HS grad, then it's not fair to exclude a family member. How does younger DD feel? If this has been anticipated as the way your family celebrates, wouldn't she want her older sister to be part of her celebration? She may well have been anticipating this celebration since you set the precedent with the older sibling. (as one of the younger children in the family, I can say that once I was a teen vacations definitely felt different without the older ones -- it happens and nobody was intentionally excluded other than they were out of college and even married, so family vacations changed, but it never felt like a "family vacation" once we reached that point)

But it can also feel unfair to youngest kids at the other end that they get less trips than their older siblings

I don't agree at all with the "no vacations after 18" idea at all.

I kind of do, depending on the circumstance.
I think sometimes the youngest kid in the family gets a little screwed, one year parents decide that people are old enough not to have birthday parties so they all get cut off at the same time, or family vacations etc (and Santa Presents) so the oldest can get it for years longer than the youngest.

In our house we have thought ahead. Our oldest is only 8 but they have all been told that 10 is their last birthday party, so they are all aware and it is fair. This Disney trip only the youngest 2 get to go to BBB, the oldest has had it 3 times, the middle twice and the youngest has gone at all. Middle DD knows that this will be her last BBB visit.

 

[sam_gordon]

Sorry, but the post just above mine is making no sense????

You know you can quote a post (even multiple posts) instead of referencing "the post just above mine", right? In fact, I feel the post above yours makes total sense. Maybe it got edited after your post, but that's why the quote feature comes in handy... so others know what you're referring to.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I don't agree at all with the "no vacations after 18" idea at all. But if you've already clearly stated that, then your older daughter should know this is a family rule. The significant potential hitch I see, is usually traveling with 5 requires 2 rooms, whereas 4 doesn't. If you decide to charge your older daughter, I don't think she should have to pay the cost of the whole extra room.

My parents are in their seventies, and we still vacation together. Sometimes they pay, sometimes we pay.

I would think they're already getting two rooms since the younger dd is bringing a friend. I think a family of four staying in one room would be fine but with a 17-18yo friend?

 

[sam_gordon]

I think sometimes the youngest kid in the family gets a little screwed, one year parents decide that people are old enough not to have birthday parties so they all get cut off at the same time, or family vacations etc (and Santa Presents) so the oldest can get it for years longer than the youngest.

But sometimes the younger kid benefits. In theory parents work hard, get promoted, make more money, etc and therefore have more disposable income to spend. So the younger kids may get more opportunities to do things the older ones didn't.

 

[Kewz1]

My kids are 21 & 23. We still pay for them on family vacations. We love spending time with them and are happy to do so.

I only read your first post but it sounds as if there may be some additional circumstances to take into consideration, and perhaps this is one of those "life lesson" times. You really need to do what works best for your family. This parenting thing is really hard.

 

[monsterkitty]

Not quite sure what you are trying to say. I love both of my daughters unconditionally and they know that. And honestly I am closer to my oldest than my youngest right now. Probably because she is older and has gone through some tough times these past couple years because she is 8 hours away from home and still gets homesick. Not to mention some of the things college life has presented her. My husband and I have always said that when they graduate high school, they pay their own way for vacations. Her real dad, which I get along great with, does things different than we do and he still pays for the vacations he takes her on. I was just simply saying he doesn't expect her to pay for anything when i said "fully paid". I think you might be reading into it too much. Yes, we have told them they need to pay but now that the time is coming, I feel bad about it.

I'm going to jump in here at the homesick and other things.

I was horribly homesick my first two years of college and my grades weren't the best. In fact, looking back now it wasn't homesickness, but more of a depression. Many college students go through this. Some party to try and overcome the loneliness, others may "self medicate" in other ways. It is not unusual for college students to go through this. Did her grades suffer because she partied, or did they suffer because through the emotional/mental place she was in were affecting her? Her lower grades may not be her fault but a result from her emotional well being.

Take her and at least pay part of her way.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

This year my son is moving from a community college to a 4 year university.

During his orientation, they told him and his father that most first year students, whether freshmen or junior lose at least one letter grade from what they are used to. And they let us know to be prepared for it.

 

[peachiepie]

Tricky one, but I think you need to seperate the college grades issue from the vacation issue.
If her younger sister got to go on her trip then it would be fair to invite her on her younger sisters too.

 

[Westcoastwild]

The bit that I'm hung up on is that it sounds like the whole trip is a stretch financially. You say you don't have money to take the older kid yet you're bringing the friend along? I just think it's unwise on so many levels.

I'd either:

Just send the daughter and the friend by themselves with a set budget you can afford. Then it's no longer a
Family trip.

Or disinvite the friend. Maybe that's not fair but I think it's more fair than leaving the older girl at home.

Or pick a different location that you can afford- somewhere the older daughter would find boring. Disney is expensive. I think I'd be honest with the younger kid. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. I'm assuming the girl is going to college- she probably will have expensive needs like a laptop or something.

My parents always said that treating us equally did not mean we got the exact same things. But a family trip is a family trip to them. Not connected to how well we do in school or our personal choices.

I think something that you need to ask yourselves is whether or not you truly intend to enforce that "you pay if you want to go after high school" rule. Because it's going to be a bad, bad situation if, when the younger kid turns 20, you decide you want her to go on a trip that you've planned, and you want it badly enough to pay her way. My parents do often pay my way on trips- in return, I go along with whatever they want. The thing with family trips- if you contribute financially, you should have some say. I'm assuming she gets no input anyway because this is about the younger sister and friend.

 

[Kristie Smith]

In your position, I would figure out a way to pay for both of my daughters to go on the trip to celebrate your younger daughter's graduation. Your older daughter is not just your daughter - she's also your younger daughter's sister.

College, in my mind, is a separate issue from this particular trip. Your older daughter, as a part of your immediate family, should be included.

My parents continued to pay for vacations for my sister & me all the way through college. We'll do the same for our children. I can't imagine not including one of my children in a family vacation just because they're in college.

Life is very short. Your children are w/ you for only a short amount of time. It would be different if your older daughter was older & truly on her own.

We know a set of parents that started making their 2 children (twins) pay for everything once they graduated high school (even pay rent to continue living at home). If they wanted to go on vacation, they had to pay their own way. The summer after their freshman year of college, the parents went to the beach, but only one of the twins had enough money to go. The other stayed home alone. After high school, they have never had another "family" vacation - which is sad to me.

I'm going to jump in here at the homesick and other things.

I was horribly homesick my first two years of college and my grades weren't the best. In fact, looking back now it wasn't homesickness, but more of a depression. Many college students go through this. Some party to try and overcome the loneliness, others may "self medicate" in other ways. It is not unusual for college students to go through this. Did her grades suffer because she partied, or did they suffer because through the emotional/mental place she was in were affecting her? Her lower grades may not be her fault but a result from her emotional well being.

Take her and at least pay part of her way.

I agree that she was probably self-medicating. She's had some rough times these past couple years. She doesn't live at home anymore. Her dad pays for her apartment and she lives there full time. I think the best thing is to split it. We currently only plan on getting 1 hotel room and if she joins us, we would end up paying for 2 rooms. She got to bring a friend when she graduated which is why her sis gets to as it will be her graduation. We always drive because we wouldn't be able to afford to fly. Also, we have taken them to Disneyland 6 or 7 times.