Should I pay for my college student?

[Kristie Smith]

For those of you who haven't read the entire thread, I haven't brought the grades or poor school performance up to her in regards to this vacation. Those are some of my feelings. You have helped me to separate them though. At this point she doesn't expect to go. She knows it's for her sister's senior trip. Just having mom guilt here and thinking about footing the bill. I've just been honest with my feelings but she is completely unaware of them. Need some clarity and you all have helped

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I agree that she was probably self-medicating. She's had some rough times these past couple years. She doesn't live at home anymore. Her dad pays for her apartment and she lives there full time. I think the best thing is to split it. We currently only plan on getting 1 hotel room and if she joins us, we would end up paying for 2 rooms. She got to bring a friend when she graduated which is why her sis gets to as it will be her graduation. We always drive because we wouldn't be able to afford to fly. Also, we have taken them to Disneyland 6 or 7 times.

Maybe it's just me (and a bit off topic), but won't it be awkward for your dd's friend to share a room with you and your husband? I would not have felt comfortable with that at 17-18.

ETA for clarity-I am in no way suggesting your husband would do anything to make the friend uncomfortable specifically, but that age is full of body consciousness etc.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Maybe it's just me (and a bit off topic), but won't it be awkward for your dd's friend to share a room with you and your husband? I would not have felt comfortable with that at 17-18.

I shared with my best friend and her parents when I was 11, but I couldn't have imagined doing it at 17-18.

 

[jrmasm]

It's a family celebration. I think you should pay for it.

 

[lanejudy]

But it can also feel unfair to youngest kids at the other end that they get less trips than their older siblings

Sorry, I'm a younger sibling and I refuse to count tit-for-tat on that issue. First, nobody is guaranteed any specified number of vacations in childhood, not even siblings. And there really is no comparing the vacations that an "oldest" child had in the few years before younger siblings were born, to experiences of a 17-18 year old after the older child has moved into adulthood. My point was that the younger girl may want her sister to be present on the grad celebration.

 

[adisneyaunt]

Your daughter should be invited to the family celebration. As a parent, I think it's the correct thing to do, and to pay for it. She is part of the family plain and simple. The graduation isn't a sudden thing... it's a planned event/celebration.

The separate issue ... college grades, too much partying is a conversation that could and imho should take place separately. Kids do mature differently of course.. there is certainly an adjustment period.
If she was an A student, and now a D student.. there could be several issues at play...encouraging her to reach out for help, to think about her overall goal..ramifications of Not putting the effort in and mounting debt for an undergrad degree (that will follow her for years.) ...
I wish her ( and you) the very best.
I do believe it will work out, maybe not as quickly as you d like .. but in her time.
Congrats to ur next graduate and have a safe and enjoyable visit!!

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I would bring the older daughter and skip the friend. Life is not fair sometimes. My kids are several years out of college and we still pay for family vacations if they come. The grade issue has nothing to do with this.

 

[ols386]

If it were me, I'd pay for the daughter in college, because it sounds like it's a family celebration vacation, and she is part of the family.

She is still maturing and has more maturing to do. Not paying for her to go is sort of like punishing her for not being mature yet, and making bad decisions on some things. Regardless, she's still part of the family.

 

[sk!mom]

I think it's partially a question of when are "kids" cut off. We pay for everything through college, except for spending money.

For us this has meant that if DD21 has been included on a trip with us, we covered the expenses. So at 19, we covered a plane ticket and expenses for her to join us on vacation. At 20, we paid expenses for her to join us for a week of our summer vacation. However, her two Spring Break beach trips with friends she paid for. She recently celebrated her 21st in Vegas with her boyfriend and friends. We gifted her two plane tickets as her gift, she covered the rest of her part of the trip.

DH and I haven't vacationed much these first three years of college since a debt free education for her was our priority but with the end in sight we just returned from a trip to San Francisco and Sonoma. We went with 4 other couples and no dependents so she wasn't included.

We quit paying for DS32 to accompany us once he was fully employed. Before then, if we invited him- we paid. Since that time he's paid his own way but we did invite him on a trip to Hawaii 4 years ago and we paid all expenses except for spending money. We wanted to, we could, so we did.

 

[sk!mom]

Right. It's hard to remember to include all the dynamics. I think offering to split the cost is a good idea.

Now this truly confuses me. If she's already having to take loans to cover school/living expenses, how can she afford to pay for her own trip?

 

[LilyWDW]

So younger daughter gets to benefit from the older daughter's graduation trip, but you want to leave out the older daughter when it comes to younger daughter's trip? Not cool.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

the friend shouldn't go if money is so tight, you did not give birth to your daughters friend.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would pay for a family celebration trip. Just how we roll.

As far as the whole "college problems thing", I have my own song to sing with my own kids.

I am assuming she was not able to maintain her accum. GPA and lost money. HOWEVER the fact she is still in school is encouraging, trust me.

I am also assuming she is at least passing classes since she is still in school and not kicked out. I would say positive #2.

Older dd (26 now) was not able to finish college. We hope she can go back to school one day but she has medical issues at the moment.

Other dd is still in college as a jr. however she had to take a medical withdrawal last semester. That is a whole other story. She also has medical issues and we have been going to doctors for months. She is going to go back and only take 6hrs just to stay in school and move forward.

We shall see if this works out.

 

[Sydney2977]

This is a tough one, and I see where you are coming from. It is hard to justify giving your kids rewards like vacations when they are not doing "their job" of doing well in school, which is what we ask ours to do.

We have always told our kids that even if we can afford extra things, you still have to have good grades and behavior to earn them. We haven't made them get a job in high school because they were involved in other activities, though they have earned extra spending money doing things for neighbors, etc.

We did a WDW trip during older DS's senior year as a celebration. Younger DS asked that for his senior trip we do it as a joint birthday present trip for him (he turns 18 about 2 weeks after graduation) and invite his girlfriend and his brother's girlfriend, who he considers like his big sister. If older DS was not doing well in school I would have no problem telling him that because we were having to shell out more for his schooling than we couldn't afford for him to go on the trip. But we are not planning to pay for the girl's food or tickets- just the rooms. Because older DS is in the Air Force, going to college, and paying his own way for everything, I am more inclined to want to pay for his part of the trip. His GF is also doing well in college and works, and I know her parents will chip in for her. Younger DS's girlfriend is also an excellent student and her parents will pay for her.

I guess my point is that regardless of if she comes in the trip, she is old enough for you to need to have a conversation about her responsibilities, both with grades and finances. That is most important. Then you can decide based on how she does this year if you pay for her. Maybe if you bring up her paying for part of it she will save her money and work a bit harder in school. Overall she needs to know that you want her to succeed in school and life in general so she will be happy, no matter if she goes on this trip or not.

 

[aprilgail]

Maybe it's just me (and a bit off topic), but won't it be awkward for your dd's friend to share a room with you and your husband? I would not have felt comfortable with that at 17-18.

ETA for clarity-I am in no way suggesting your husband would do anything to make the friend uncomfortable specifically, but that age is full of body consciousness etc.

I shared with my best friend and her parents when I was 11, but I couldn't have imagined doing it at 17-18.

I agree- I didn't read the whole thread but maybe they are getting two rooms? It would weird me out as a teen to be sharing a room with my friends dad! I would think many dads would be uncomfortable sharing a room with a unrelated 17/18 year old female friend of the daughters. Most people I know do like a "girls trip" for things like this like a cruise with mom, daughter and friend. Or my daughter went on a Disney trip for a friends sixteenth bday and it was the mom, daughter and two of the daughters friends. For my daughters I took her and a friend to Disney.

 

[Disney_traveler]

I think in regards to younger DD going on older dad's trip, OP is justifying it as the younger HAD to go because she was too little to leave on her own.....I guess no relatives or family friends or Little's friends' parents could watch her??? But I'm sticking with if little got to go on big's, then big gets to go with little. If you can't afford it, then delay and save or don't promise something you can't follow up on.

I'll also stick with my earlier post that you are bordering on driving away your older daughter.

 

[scrapquitler]

We see our college student as still our financial responsibility. We pay for her insurance, school, cell phone, and if she were going on a trip with us, we would pay for it. Regardless of her grades.

 

[AquamarineSteph]

My POV is a little different here. A family member went into the hospital five months ago for something minor. They have since been in/out of the hospital and are having a heart transplant tomorrow.

We never know how much time we have. Find a way to take the older daughter on the trip with you. You're not rewarding her for bad grades. You're celebrating that you have two daughters.

 

[Distinkt]

If you are feeling guilty, and you are, then that should be a clue as to what you should do. You are probably feeling that way because you think the right answer is to inviter her and pay for it but you don't know where the money will come from. I really get that, but if you already feel this way, maybe you should consider those feelings and include her in the celebration. You have said that your daughter has had a few issues with college and has been homesick. I fear that this might also make her feel like she is not a part of the family.

I have one other observation. I am not a proponent of the adage that once a child turns 18 or is in college that they are on their own. There is a lot of growing up that is done in those years and wish as we might, they are just still learning about the real world during this period and need a lot of support. Trust me, I can identify with your concern about her attention to schoolwork and grades and your concern for her success. Sometime it is hard for kids to embrace the responsibility of the world and to adapt. I look at my own children and while they pretty much did well in their studies, none embraced fiscal responsibility. We subsidized and subsidized, but thankfully they all have finally grown up and are successful hardworking adults, so your daughter may just be in a "growth spurt" trying to become an adult. They all mature at different speeds.

 

[Pumbaa_]

I am hung up on the room thing lol.

So mom, you have choices. Lots of them

I am glad you are separating the school performance with the trip. These things are not related. You are just frustrated and are looking at her current situation w decades more life experience

She is young, doesn't have life experience to draw on, is far from home and homesick

Don't you think she is also unhappy with her current situation? She does not want every single interaction with you to be a lecture or to feel your disappointment. What would happen if you became her cheerleader instead of her critic?


In regards to the trip, the younger sister went because she was what 14? 15? So you brought the kid, makes sense


Can I ask why you are cutting vacations off at 18? They are not financially independent at that age. Why not once you are done w college? Just a thought

Personally, and I have no children so my opinion is obviously perfect lol, why not bring everyone on this trip. Maybe plan one more family vacation in 2 years and then that can be the cutoff?

Side note, we had DVC for many years and paid for my parents to join us many times. Because we could. Now my dad is gone and mom took my dh and I on vacation. First she wanted to gift us a trip. Instead she gifted us a trip and we took her w us to universal to see Harry Potter. She was so happy and thrilled to be 76 yo and there. Grateful to have the time with her and us together. Going back in Sep too. Vacationing together over many years are memories we will never forget.

Good luck with what you decide.