Children Moving Out?

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Then they need to think of another solution. They could get more meaningful work or training, that could happen during the time frame. Or, they could find room mates, or a second job, or they could relocate, or all of those. I have in my life time. It can be done. They just don't have to do it, so they won't, most people wouldn't.
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Not speaking to the OP here just as a generality but in some cases the issue really is the parents don't want to let their kids go. For a myriad of reasons they almost become active, knowing enablers.

I've seen some younger people who on the surface you could easily blame them for no initiative, lack of wanting to 'grow up', etc but when you looked deeper you could see the parents were mostly the reasons why, they were pulling the strings so in a way as to keep the kids dependent on them for as long as possible.

There are def. so-called slackers, moochers, etc out there it's just not every case is that way.

 

[dish rag]

Not speaking to the OP here just as a generality but in some cases the issue really is the parents don't want to let their kids go. For a myriad of reasons they almost become active, knowing enablers.

I've seen some younger people who on the surface you could easily blame them for no initiative, lack of wanting to 'grow up', etc but when you looked deeper you could see the parents were mostly the reasons why, they were pulling the strings so in a way as to keep the kids dependent on them for as long as possible.

There are def. so-called slackers, moochers, etc out there it's just not every case is that way.

Exactly, well said.

 

[disneychrista]

Tell them that. Polling strangers whose lives and living situations differ from.you're by a little or a lot really doesn't help. Remember when your kids said, "But Johnny's doing it. I want to do it, too", and you said, "if Johnny jumped off a bridge, would you?"?

You can't now turn around and tell them they have to move out because DIS adult kids did at their ages.

Honestly, my wanting them to move out has nothing to do with this post. It is not like I am going to tell them people on the DIS's kids moved out by age 23, why are you still home? I was talking to my oldest friend yesterday. Her youngest daughter is 17 and the friend said she thinks the daughter will move out before the end of the school year (she turns 18 in November). Her oldest daughter moved out with her step-mother at 15 and then boyfriend well before 18. I was just curious what others have experienced. I don't have many IRL friends to talk to about things, so I turn to stranger on the internet. And please note - I DIDN'T ask for advice on how to get them to move.

Believe me they KNOW mom's done with them being at home. I have made a point to tell my oldest to MOVE OUT more than once in the past few months when she doesn't like something about living here.

 

[Kitty 34]

Oldest DS (39) graduated from college right before he turned 24. He moved out of our home that following fall and moved in with his HS best friend. They struggled here and there but both worked just not "career" jobs at that point. (and yes, we helped our son out once in awhile) He eventually was an assistant coach up in the UP of Michigan but it ended up being a real struggle financially. He moved back home at 29, got a FT job at a local casino and went back to school for a teaching degree (instead of business). He lived with us for two years and since our house was already paid off, he paid the DISH bill, bought groceries and when he had time cooked awesome meals. (have always missed that part when he moved out ) He met his future wife who also had moved back home to look for a different job. Fast forward.......they are now married, have two beautiful babies and are looking for a 2nd home in the Detroit area.

2nd DS (32).......lived in a college dorm for two years; got a PT job and starting his Junior year in college shared apartments with roommates; graduated; was very fortunate to get a job in his field and never looked back as far as coming home except to visit with his wife and dogs.

3rd DS (30).......he wasn't going to college so worked here and there at a couple of factories; met his future wife and one day decided to join the Air Force. Yes, Mama here was in shock but he did and I've always been very proud since then of his decision. He now is an ATC at the airport in Indianapolis.

Still can't believe all my babies are in their 30s, though!!!

 

[Donaldswife]

Honestly, my wanting them to move out has nothing to do with this post. It is not like I am going to tell them people on the DIS's kids moved out by age 23, why are you still home? I was talking to my oldest friend yesterday. Her youngest daughter is 17 and the friend said she thinks the daughter will move out before the end of the school year (she turns 18 in November). Her oldest daughter moved out with her step-mother at 15 and then boyfriend well before 18. I was just curious what others have experienced. I don't have many IRL friends to talk to about things, so I turn to stranger on the internet. And please note - I DIDN'T ask for advice on how to get them to move.

Believe me they KNOW mom's done with them being at home. I have made a point to tell my oldest to MOVE OUT more than once in the past few months when she doesn't like something about living here.

No offense meant here AT ALL, but telling them to move out is not the same as sitting down with them and helping them make a plan with a reasonable timeline to get them out and on their own. I think people are just suggesting since you have said you want them out, to do that and get them on their way. It will benefit you as well as you will have a "light at the end of the tunnel" to look forward to with a timeline and plan in place.

 

[indimom]

Ours are in that middle ground between dependence and independence our daughter 22 is living in an apartment near college with four other girls. We cover $5,000 a year for her schooling. And she's still on our insurance. She's planning on grad school so I'm not sure when she will be fully independent.
Our son 19 is living in Arizona on his own, in the Air Force.
We do still have both kids on our cell phone plan. No burden so we've just kept it that way. DH and I use their Netflix accounts pretty often. Lol

 

[MrsPete]

My parents quite gleefully kicked us all out immediately after high school graduation. They gave us plenty of warning and "gleeful" is the right word. Being very "sink or swim" in their thinking, they provided absolutely nothing in terms of help or support. It wasn't a good thing for any of us.

Me: I worked at a summer camp, so I literally left the day after high school graduation. Then I moved into a dorm, then a series of apartments -- always with roommates; at the worst, five of us in two bedrooms. I married at 24, and we bought a house that same week.

My parents' exception: One of my brothers was assigned to go to Boot Camp some 4-5 months after graduation, and they reluctantly agreed that it wasn't reasonable for him to take on a lease, etc. when he was leaving so soon. He stayed in his high school job /lived at home, but they charged him rent and constantly reminded him that as an adult, he had no business doing what he was doing.

Our oldest: Graduated from college, came home for about six months ... then married and moved into an apartment. When she was in a college apartment we co-signed, and I paid the deposit /told her she could keep that for a deposit on her next apartment -- she did. We paid for her housing during school, and when she moved into the apartment we provided her with some hand-me-down furniture. Now she and her husband have a nice house of their own.

Our youngest: Will graduate in May. She's also in a college apartment, which we are paying. Again, we helped with hand-me-down furniture and told her that she can keep the deposit for a next apartment. I anticipate she'll come home /stay longer than her sister did. Two reasons: She isn't getting married soon like her sister was, and she's going into a career that isn't known for paying well, so she's made two decisions: she plans to live at home (which is FINE with us and costs us next to nothing) until she has $200,000 to invest towards retirement ... AND until she has money to buy a house to rent for income. I think she's making good choices ... staying at home until she's solidly settled. A good financial start will allow her to build financial wealth while working in a job that pays only a modest wage.

My oldest DD will be 23 in 11 days. The deal was she can stay here rent free as long as she was working or going to school. She does both.

I'm completely in agreement: My kids can stay here in my house as long as they want. I live in the house anyway, and the bit of extra electricity and hot water they use doesn't signify. BUT I do expect them to be in school or working. I'm all about helping them get a good leg up on life ... but I'm not supporting laziness.

I was talking to my oldest friend yesterday. Her youngest daughter is 17 and the friend said she thinks the daughter will move out before the end of the school year (she turns 18 in November). Her oldest daughter moved out with her step-mother at 15 and then boyfriend well before 18.

I've been teaching high school seniors for years, and it seems that every year I have a senior girl (always a girl) living with an older boyfriend.

I have yet to see a high schooler in such a situation who is thriving. They aren't ready.

 

[barkley]

I have made a point to tell my oldest to MOVE OUT more than once in the past few months when she doesn't like something about living here.

that was the tipping point with our dd. she didn't like the house rules which were a condition of living at home (at the time rent free b/c she was in college f/t) so we told her if she didn't follow them she needed to find alternate housing. she did-i want to say the first place had a total of 8 people sharing what was legally a 2 b/r unit (they used a basement as 2 bedrooms illegally ). she learned pretty quickly that living with ANYONE else comes with conditions of habitation so her next move was into her own place but of course that comes with the conditions the landlord puts in place..........she's learning that unless/until she owns OUTRIGHT her own home there will always be some aspect of 'household rules'.

every family is different, every individual is different. my older sibs were all out of the house by 19 at the latest while i lived at home until i was 28 (paying rent/my own expenses) BUT i was the only one who once out never moved back in (sibs did it on and off for the remainder of my mom's life-some well into their 50's). dh moved out at 17 but he was one that returned to the parental home repeatedly. i've got friends who they/their kids moved out at 17/18 and never looked back-totally independent to this day. i think it depends so much on the individual/family dynamic. me/my sibs knew my mom would NEVER put one of us 'out on the street', they took that to mean it was a landing pad if they made bad relationship/financial decisions, one took it to mean he never had to 'adult' (if it wasn't mom taking care of him it was a girlfriend or wife who soon sent him packing back to mom-he passed within a few years of mom i think in large part b/c it was too much of a shock being self reliant), i took it as a sign of her never being totally willing to cut the apron strings so when i left i knew i never wanted to return and therefore never viewed it as an option.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My parents quite gleefully kicked us all out immediately after high school graduation. They gave us plenty of warning and "gleeful" is the right word. Being very "sink or swim" in their thinking, they provided absolutely nothing in terms of help or support. It wasn't a good thing for any of us.

Me: I worked at a summer camp, so I literally left the day after high school graduation. Then I moved into a dorm, then a series of apartments -- always with roommates; at the worst, five of us in two bedrooms. I married at 24, and we bought a house that same week.

My parents' exception: One of my brothers was assigned to go to Boot Camp some 4-5 months after graduation, and they reluctantly agreed that it wasn't reasonable for him to take on a lease, etc. when he was leaving so soon. He stayed in his high school job /lived at home, but they charged him rent and constantly reminded him that as an adult, he had no business doing what he was doing.

Our oldest: Graduated from college, came home for about six months ... then married and moved into an apartment. When she was in a college apartment we co-signed, and I paid the deposit /told her she could keep that for a deposit on her next apartment -- she did. We paid for her housing during school, and when she moved into the apartment we provided her with some hand-me-down furniture. Now she and her husband have a nice house of their own.

Our youngest: Will graduate in May. She's also in a college apartment, which we are paying. Again, we helped with hand-me-down furniture and told her that she can keep the deposit for a next apartment. I anticipate she'll come home /stay longer than her sister did. She's going into a career that isn't known for paying well, so she's made two decisions: she plans to live at home (which is FINE with us and costs us next to nothing) until she has $200,000 to invest towards retirement ... AND until she has money to buy a house to rent for income. I think she's making good choices ... staying at home until she's solidly settled. A good financial start will allow her to build financial wealth while working in a job that pays only a modest wage.

I think your example shows how one's upbringing can, at times, influence them to make a completely different choice when it comes to their own family.

I think it's interesting though that the focus is on financials in respects to good choices. It's absolutely a good decision to be financially stable and good for your youngest to take on the daunting task of retirement at that age. On the flipside living at home when I did for the 9 months after I graduated college was never a good situation. I was literally under my mom's house--dating well let's just say it was a good thing I was in a committed relationship, friends never came to the house to hang out it was just awkward to do so, constant feeling of having to check in with my mom when I left for work (which for a few months was back in the college town), etc. In other words it was not the life for me. I was stifled and felt like I was back in high school again.

I guess my point is in terms of my overall growth, mental wellbeing, ability to adjust in society and live an adult life I needed to not be at my mom's house. If I was only focusing on financials and in the extreme way I would still be living at home at age 31 rather than living in my own home with my own life because I'm still paying student loans (*gasp* I know it's the DIS flame away on student loans) and couldn't we all use 200K in a retirement fund How long is she anticipating that taking?

I'm only saying this because I personally think there's much more to a decision to stay at one's parents house for years and years than simply financials especially if for the individual it means sacrificing so many other things. My comments aren't meant to be directed towards your daughter because y'all have already come to that agreement and it's what she wants so nothing wrong with that

 

[disneychrista]

Why not have them stop paying rent and put that into savings?

In reality it wouldn't make much of a difference what they have in savings if their income is not at the threshold to qualify for an apartment. An apartment renting for $1,500 would require an monthly income of $4,500 or 54,000 annually. Not making excuses but I honestly don't know how any single people afford to live on their own. If they had the income needed to qualify I would be HAPPY to help them with down payments etc.

 

[morgan98]

In reality it wouldn't make much of a difference what they have in savings if their income is not at the threshold to qualify for an apartment. An apartment renting for $1,500 would require an monthly income of $4,500 or 54,000 annually. Not making excuses but I honestly don't know how any single people afford to live on their own. If they had the income needed to qualify I would be HAPPY to help them with down payments etc.

OP, no one is trying to pile on. I think people are trying to help you, as it does sound like you are a bit frustrated with the situation.

Have they tried to qualify for an apartment together? What are their longer term goals? Do they want to obtain more training or different skills to get a higher income? I am not trying to be critical, but just saying that some action probably needs to be taken in order to break the status quo.

Honestly, $1500 a month rent is not crazy for many places in the country. Likewise, while $54,000 is not a horrible salary, it is not completely out of the realm of possibility either.

Telling someone to "move out" during an argument is not the same as having a planned and logical discussion about how to actually get them to move out of the house.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

In reality it wouldn't make much of a difference what they have in savings if their income is not at the threshold to qualify for an apartment. An apartment renting for $1,500 would require an monthly income of $4,500 or 54,000 annually. Not making excuses but I honestly don't know how any single people afford to live on their own. If they had the income needed to qualify I would be HAPPY to help them with down payments etc.

Oh I see.

So there's no reasonable apartments including ones where they can be with roommates (in at least a decent area) less than $1,500? Would any of these places take $ in the bank in lieu of X amount of monthly rent in income? What about any neighboring areas that might have better rent even with an uptick in commute? Areas of where you live can be a big thing I know. In my metro, which may be a completely different type of area than where y'all live, there are for sure places that command higher rent because of the specific area but there are many places where one can find more reasonable rent. Now rent has def. gone up in my area but still one can find places more reasonable. Is there a lack of apartments in your area driving up the costs?

 

[wenrob]

I think your example shows how one's upbringing can, at times, influence them to make a completely different choice when it comes to their own family.

I think it's interesting though that the focus is on financials in respects to good choices. It's absolutely a good decision to be financially stable and good for your youngest to take on the daunting task of retirement at that age. On the flipside living at home when I did for the 9 months after I graduated college was never a good situation. I was literally under my mom's house--dating well let's just say it was a good thing I was in a committed relationship, friends never came to the house to hang out it was just awkward to do so, constant feeling of having to check in with my mom when I left for work (which for a few months was back in the college town), etc. In other words it was not the life for me. I was stifled and felt like I was back in high school again.

I guess my point is in terms of my overall growth, mental wellbeing, ability to adjust in society and live an adult life I needed to not be at my mom's house. If I was only focusing on financials and in the extreme way I would still be living at home at age 31 rather than living in my own home with my own life because I'm still paying student loans (*gasp* I know it's the DIS flame away on student loans) and couldn't we all use 200K in a retirement fund How long is she anticipating that taking?

I'm only saying this because I personally think there's much more to a decision to stay at one's parents house for years and years than simply financials especially if for the individual it means sacrificing so many other things. My comments aren't meant to be directed towards your daughter because y'all have already come to that agreement and it's what she wants so nothing wrong with that

One of the things my DD does not like about living at home is me needing a heads up if she’s going to have someone over. I’m pretty introverted and spontaneity is not really my thing. Entertaining a bunch of friends? No. They're all a bunch of awesome young adults but that has the rest of having to give up our space. If she paid rent it might be different.

 

[robinb]

At what age did you children move out on their own? Did they move into shared housing or in their own apartment.? Did you help with any expenses or where they self sufficient?

My DD is moving out in about a week and she'll be just 20 years old. She and her BF are both students at the same college and they will be living together. My DH and I are paying whatever the university's cost of attendance for room and board on a monthly basis and it's up to her to budget around it.

 

[amcnj]

My children both left within two months of graduating college. It just worked out that way with jobs. One got a job thousands of miles away, the other an hour and fifteen minutes away on a good day (way off peak hours) so maybe could have tried commuting for a while, but had seen my at best 1.5 hour each way commute, and decided that was not desirable (I wholeheartedly agree!). Fortunately each was able to afford an apartment in their new locales. I know I had two roommates in my first rental, though it was so long ago it was a cave, not an apartment!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

One of the things my DD does not like about living at home is me needing a heads up if she’s going to have someone over. I’m pretty introverted and spontaneity is not really my thing. Entertaining a bunch of friends? No. They're all a bunch of awesome young adults but that has the rest of having to give up our space. If she paid rent it might be different.

Makes sense.

My mom never cared about having people over after a certain age for me. She herself worked 2 jobs and wasn't home a huge ton until later on in the evening but during the days on weekends and whatnot she was home.

For me it just really wasn't ideal at age 22 to be like "hey y'all wanna come over and chill" knowing it was at my mom's house. I valued my privacy a lot and I had a lack of privacy at my mom's house. It was one thing when I was 18 or 19 (and part of the time when I was 20) when I lived in the dorms and thus came home for summer break and winter break but it was another thing when I had lived in my own apartment (even though I had roommates there) 24/7 for 2 1/2 years at the point of graduating and my lease being up. Now there was an added layer that my mom had a roommate but even then without the roommate it still would have been awkward.

 

[lovewdwdvc]

I hear you there. DD’s 28 & 26 are both still home. I am so ready for them to move out.

 

[lovewdwdvc]

None of mine lived at home after sophomore year of college. Hope this holds true for the last one. LOL

 

[Hikergirl]

My dd is in an apartment near school that we pay for. As long as she stays in school we have no problem paying her rent. When she graduates she will be welcome to come home, and stay with us while working and saving up for a house.
My ds is going to school this year and staying on campus. He'll be in a 2 year program and odds of finding a job when done are very good. He probably won't come back home, but he will be welcome too just like dd.
As long as my kids are contributing and working towards something like a house I have no problem letting them continue to live here, it is their home too.

OP, your dd's cannot find an affordable place to share? I don't know what they do, but I would think that there has to be something affordable in your area, even if it isn't in the immediate area.
I know a few people in their age group no longer living at home, but they do not live by themselves. They have roommates or significant others to share the expenses with.

 

[Searc]

No offense meant here AT ALL, but telling them to move out is not the same as sitting down with them and helping them make a plan with a reasonable timeline to get them out and on their own. I think people are just suggesting since you have said you want them out, to do that and get them on their way. It will benefit you as well as you will have a "light at the end of the tunnel" to look forward to with a timeline and plan in place.

They are almost 30 years old, for gods sake. They don't need their mother sitting them down and helping them make a plan. They're almost middle-aged and should be able to formulate their own financial plan for moving on into their adult lives.