Wedding invitation with rules

[Lilsia]

Of course, but the majority of people I know had the typical ceremony/reception, including my grandparents in the 1930’s.

"That you know". In reality, how many people do you actually know and are aware of what kind of wedding they had. I think that most people assume that everyone had the "traditional" type of wedding. People do that to me all the time when weddings come up, they ask about our wedding reception. Weddings are expensive and frankly, a waste of money for just a big party. You are not any more married for having a big party. People are getting smarter now and using that money for a down payment on a house instead. I think that we will be seeing more and more of these "elopements" in the future with how expensive things are now.

 

[tzolkin]

Is that the reason? It never occurred to me that the bride/groom would request guests not wear certain colours so their wedding party could stand out.

I don't think I have seen it on the invitation, but I have been asked to please not wear a specific color because that's what the bridesmaids were wearing for multiple weddings I have attended.

I love threads like these. They really show how different people can be.

I have been to plenty of parties and events…including weddings…that only had port-a-potties. Never blinked an eye.

Chalk this up as another reason I’m glad I never got married…don’t have to deal with Guestzillas.

It really is ridiculous. I could never understand why so many people seem to care so much what other people do/don't do have/don't have at their weddings. There is really nothing that has ever bothered me enough that I felt the need to complain about it or make character judgments about the bride/groom over. (Including weddings with port-a-potties.)

I know others have said that the couple don't have to actually deal with the Guestzillas, but I know that is not the case. The Christmas before I married, I had a massive family fight with a relative about my guest list (and my wedding wasn't until June and invitations had not gone out yet). All three of my siblings and most of my family members have had conflicts over various details about their weddings-- some that they are still arguing/bitter about years or even decades later.

This one does seem a bit confusing. Am from the NJ/NYC area and weddings tend to be a very big deal and if it's the least bit formal I don't see how a family style fits in. I think a buffet with servers (guests don't plate themselves) would be more appropriate.

Perhaps they will have the servers come around to the tables and plate the items tableside? Maybe they are just calling it "family style" to specify that you don't have to walk through a buffet line carrying a plate?

 

[mjkacmom]

"That you know". In reality, how many people do you actually know and are aware of what kind of wedding they had. I think that most people assume that everyone had the "traditional" type of wedding. People do that to me all the time when weddings come up, they ask about our wedding reception. Weddings are expensive and frankly, a waste of money for just a big party. You are not any more married for having a big party. People are getting smarter now and using that money for a down payment on a house instead. I think that we will be seeing more and more of these "elopements" in the future with how expensive things are now.

I really know a lot of people, lol. My family, of course, my HS friends, DH’s HS friends (we graduated together but had different friend groups), my college friends, DH’s college friends, my Mom friends, Facebook friends, long term internet friends (25+ years). We live where we grew up, I can’t get through the grocery store without running into a dozen people (my young adult kids are noticing this as well). I also live in the nyc metro area where weddings are usually big deals. Nonetheless, nothing would make me happier than having my kids elope, a down payment on a house is $100,000, plus I have 5 kids and no wedding fund (retirement is on track). My 26 year old pays $2000 a month in rent so I doubt she’s saving very much (plus she’s very frugal).

 

[Threehearts]

I have a question about a wedding of a close(in relation) family member but one whom I have not seen in many years.

The invitation requests formal attire for an outdoor wedding on Labor Day weekend in NYC. The dinner will be "served family style."

I grew up in a fairly formal household and perhaps I'm off on what is appropriate but to me, formal is a step away from black tie and "family style" dinner is ,"Please pass the mashed potatoes."

Does a family style dinner now go along with formal dress? I always thought that if your guests are making expensive plans to attend your wedding(most of us are>2K) then you would have fewer guests to ensure a lovely celebration. Family style is just fine I'm sure, but then I would expect the dress to be casual.

It sure seemed easier to plan a wedding 30 years ago. We had ours on a private U. S. island, paid for the guests to get there, their hotels, food and planned activities. All the guests attended the rehearsal dinner at an oceanfront restaurant that had a band and dancing. We had 50 people which is what we could afford since we wanted the guests to feel very appreciated for attending a 3 day wedding weekend.

I feel for young people and their families now. There are so many details to consider and tremendous social pressure to go beyond what the couple can afford.

Update with venue information-

The wedding will be outside in a park on a sloping green lawn which actually is lovely. There are stone benches built into the hill. We will then walk a bit to a quite pretty reception space that will have outdoor and indoor seating. I'd rather not name the place but I looked at their catering which is mandatory and it is highly rated.

The bride and groom have chosen the family style option which is the least expensive. That is just fine although it will be a new wedding experience for many of us. I still wish that I wasn't having to pass the chicken supreme in my formal attire. All that said, the bride is a wonderful young woman and we will be happy to be part of her special day and dress in our birthday suits if that is what she wishes .

 

[Threehearts]

I don't think I have seen it on the invitation, but I have been asked to please not wear a specific color because that's what the bridesmaids were wearing for multiple weddings I have attended.


It really is ridiculous. I could never understand why so many people seem to care so much what other people do/don't do have/don't have at their weddings. There is really nothing that has ever bothered me enough that I felt the need to complain about it or make character judgments about the bride/groom over. (Including weddings with port-a-potties.)

I know others have said that the couple don't have to actually deal with the Guestzillas, but I know that is not the case. The Christmas before I married, I had a massive family fight with a relative about my guest list (and my wedding wasn't until June and invitations had not gone out yet). All three of my siblings and most of my family members have had conflicts over various details about their weddings-- some that they are still arguing/bitter about years or even decades later.



Perhaps they will have the servers come around to the tables and plate the items tableside? Maybe they are just calling it "family style" to specify that you don't have to walk through a buffet line carrying a plate?

The NYC wedding that I was posting about is actually platters put on the tables and the guests pass them around. I'm not sure how the waitstaff figures out if people are finished. Is family style kind of like All You Can Eat, where as guests empty the bowls and platters, they then signal for more food(a la Ohana)? It all seems kind of complicated and not particularly formal.

 

[HopperFan]

It really is ridiculous. I could never understand why so many people seem to care so much what other people do/don't do have/don't have at their weddings. There is really nothing that has ever bothered me enough that I felt the need to complain about it or make character judgments about the bride/groom over. (Including weddings with port-a-potties.)

I don't think it's really that people care what others do at their wedding. I could care less if someone's wedding is elegant or tacky, big or small, stunning or ugly ... it's their wedding, their taste and their memory. I am just an extra.

What I think you and some others are not thinking about is that many guests -
- Take days off work sometimes at monetary loss
- Spend money on traveling whether gas with hotels or airfare and shared rides
- Spend money on hotels
- Spend money on clothing requested on invite if they don't have
- Spend money on food during trip
- Spend money on child care
- Spend money on a gift

Attending a wedding can be very expensive so yes I think it is okay for guests to inquire what to expect when they get there. They have to be able to make an educated decision especially if the financial part is going to impact them.

Yes, I want to know if it will be outside and what my A/C and bathroom options are. I'm not high maintenance but I'm not using a porta potty, and I can't do extended heat without A/C breaks. I want to know if no food is being provided, I'll pack my own or eat before I come. I want to know if there are two bars and I can't use one, then I can make a good decision about my time and money. I'd rather not be miserable and just send a bigger gift.

I know others have said that the couple don't have to actually deal with the Guestzillas, but I know that is not the case. The Christmas before I married, I had a massive family fight with a relative about my guest list (and my wedding wasn't until June and invitations had not gone out yet). All three of my siblings and most of my family members have had conflicts over various details about their weddings-- some that they are still arguing/bitter about years or even decades later.

I think you have hit the nail - Guestzillas are those who are trying to upend your wedding planning, insert their opinions, try to sabotage your choices etc. and they are usually family members. This seems to be most the stories I read about. The probably happens at every wedding, it's the level of conflict that varies.

None of the situations we are talking about are Guestzilla situations. They are guests that are looking for honest information about the event so they can make good decisions about what they will wear, if they can afford to come, if they feel they would be comfortable. They want to know what to expect. I don't think anyone was expecting the Bride and Groom to change their plans, even if they say they don't like some of the plans. Tell guests the truth then they can decide what they want to do.

And post wedding, yes we still laugh about some, talk about the failures of some, and enjoy wonderful memories about some. We've all been to the good, bad and ugly.

Perhaps they will have the servers come around to the tables and plate the items tableside? Maybe they are just calling it "family style" to specify that you don't have to walk through a buffet line carrying a plate?

OP has clarified that it is indeed a normal serve yourself bowls on the table.

I have never heard of a plated at the table, it would probably be more expensive because they would need not only more servers but appropriate food carts and many times more the number of serving dishes.

The NYC wedding that I was posting about is actually platters put on the tables and the guests pass them around. I'm not sure how the waitstaff figures out if people are finished. Is family style kind of like All You Can Eat, where as guests empty the bowls and platters, they then signal for more food(a la Ohana)? It all seems kind of complicated and not particularly formal.

Good question. We here are all thinking Family Style is All You Can Eat but I don't think that is a standard associated with Family Style.

Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Middle Eastern, Spanish Tapas, etc restaurants are often considered Family Style because it is communal dining. Any extra food is another expense so I wouldn't expect any more food.

The OP stated this was the least expensive and that is likely because the food at the table will not be replenished. They ordered a set amount for each table and that is it.

This would not be a choice for me because the last few people are at the mercy of the rest at table on if they took their fair share. Often tables have strangers at them, not family or friends, so this get awkward. Last wedding I went to we knew no one. Two couples, Two Singles and the three of us. No one knew each other. AND with current health situations, we don't do buffet or situations where we share utensils with strangers.

 

[Lilsia]

Update with venue information-

The wedding will be outside in a park on a sloping green lawn which actually is lovely. There are stone benches built into the hill. We will then walk a bit to a quite pretty reception space that will have outdoor and indoor seating. I'd rather not name the place but I looked at their catering which is mandatory and it is highly rated.

The bride and groom have chosen the family style option which is the least expensive. That is just fine although it will be a new wedding experience for many of us. I still wish that I wasn't having to pass the chicken supreme in my formal attire. All that said, the bride is a wonderful young woman and we will be happy to be part of her special day and dress in our birthday suits if that is what she wishes .

Growing up, we always had family style meals at all the weddings. This was just normal and no one thought anything about it. You are not limited to whatever food that they put on the plate and you don't have to walk up to the buffet. Family style is the best way to serve food at events like this.

 

[Lilsia]

The NYC wedding that I was posting about is actually platters put on the tables and the guests pass them around. I'm not sure how the waitstaff figures out if people are finished. Is family style kind of like All You Can Eat, where as guests empty the bowls and platters, they then signal for more food(a la Ohana)? It all seems kind of complicated and not particularly formal.

The servers pay attention and change out plates as they are emptied. If you have a good serving staff, everything is seamless and works very well. And yes, you don't typically run out of food for family style. They make sure that there is plenty.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I always felt that getting married was such a private and personal thing that I didn't want a bunch of people around. We just went to the courthouse with our required 2 witnesses. Then we just had a quiet dinner out with immediate family. You don't have to have a big wedding. They history of weddings is so that they had witnesses to verify that they saws the couple get married. Then it changed into wanting to celebrate with family and friends. Now, it has morphed into a "look at me" spectacle and how to out do others. That is why I think that these rules that some couples have are ridiculous.
I always say that it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding.

Well my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins ARE my immediate family to me

My husband has two sides of his family (we both come from divorced parents) but he has his mom's side and dad's side whereas I just had my mom's side) and at the time of our wedding had two grandmothers plus a great grandmother plus all his out of town family, several step-siblings, etc.

We didn't have a huge wedding (100+ guests) and we invited people that we wanted there.

You may have wanted the courthouse but we didn't. It's ridiculous to make implications about other people's choices as if because they didn't do it your way it carries less meaning.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Of course, but the majority of people I know had the typical ceremony/reception, including my grandparents in the 1930’s.

When my paternal grandparents got married in the early 30s, their wedding was in a church on a Wednesday morning followed by a wedding breakfast reception on the grounds of grandma’s parents’ home. They lived in one of the stately Pasadena homes on Orange Grove Blvd. The men in the bridal party wore morning coats and the women wore pink satin. The flowers were gorgeous. We still have the wedding announcement write up with pictures from the newspaper.

I have no idea what my maternal grandparents’ wedding was like. I’ve never seen any pictures.

 

[Lilsia]

Well my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins ARE my immediate family to me

My husband has two sides of his family (we both come from divorced parents) but he has his mom's side and dad's side whereas I just had my mom's side) and at the time of our wedding had two grandmothers plus a great grandmother plus all his out of town family, several step-siblings, etc.

We didn't have a huge wedding (100+ guests) and we invited people that we wanted there.

You may have wanted the courthouse but we didn't. It's ridiculous to make implications about other people's choices as if because they didn't do it your way it carries less meaning.

Oh please, my opinion is just as valid as yours. It gets old listening to you correcting everyone about everything. You literally argue with everyone. Someone can post their own personal experience and you tell them that they are wrong. Can you please just stop already.

 

[goofyernmost]

I really don't get the photoshoot complaint. It's doubtful the couple made the request, because they want a lot of pictures of the guests to post on social media. They most likely just want the wedding party to stand out. Doesn't everyone? To me, the people who say, "I'm going to wear what I want & don't care what anyone thinks." are the ones who sound entitled. Most people will go to many weddings in their lifetime. Hopefully, the bride & groom will only get married once.

Some of the more recent posts highlight how insignificant this request is compared to some of the things that one can experience at a wedding.

It's a simple solution... if I don't feel that I should be asked to dress a certain way I can either cave in and do what is requested or stay at home. The choice is always yours to make.

 

[snikki]

The certain color thing is normal in my circle or my area. I’ve been to plenty of weddings and sweet 16s where they ask you to wear a certain color or not wear a certain color. No big deal.

I’ve been to destination and local bachelorette parties where we do an outfit color theme for each day or outing. Down to the bathing suits. It’s usually bride wears white and the rest of the girls wear a different color. Sometimes the bride wears a color and everyone else wears white.

I’ve done girls trips where we get matching shirts and also do color coordinating outfits for our nights out.

Families coordinate for family pictures. Why not color coordinate for some important milestone photos? They really do come out very cute.

I enjoy it. The people who participate seem to enjoy if. It’s really not a big deal for us. I guess those who have an issue don’t have to come.

 

[Lilsia]

The certain color thing is normal in my circle or my area. I’ve been to plenty of weddings and sweet 16s where they ask you to wear a certain color or not wear a certain color. No big deal.

I’ve been to destination and local bachelorette parties where we do an outfit color theme for each day or outing. Down to the bathing suits. It’s usually bride wears white and the rest of the girls wear a different color. Sometimes the bride wears a color and everyone else wears white.

I’ve done girls trips where we get matching shirts and also do color coordinating outfits for our nights out.

I enjoy it. The people who participate seem to enjoy if. It’s really not a big deal for us. I guess those who have an issue don’t have to come.

There seems to be a different mentality depending on age. When you are younger and unencumbered, it is "fun" and much easier to go shopping and buy new outfits. When you are older, and maybe have some kids or have weight issues, or physical limitations, it is no longer fun or easy to just run and pick up a new outfit that you probably will not wear again.
Maybe life experience is a better term for it. Everyone has a different life experience and some things are not as simple as they used to be. Having to have to miss out on a family wedding over something like the color of the outfit that you have to wear is a bit disheartening. Especially since no one will remember what you wore by the next week.
I think that some brides and grooms feel pressure to make this one day "perfect" that they focus on things that really don't matter in the long run.

 

[snikki]

There seems to be a different mentality depending on age. When you are younger and unencumbered, it is "fun" and much easier to go shopping and buy new outfits. When you are older, and maybe have some kids or have weight issues, or physical limitations, it is no longer fun or easy to just run and pick up a new outfit that you probably will not wear again.
Maybe life experience is a better term for it. Everyone has a different life experience and some things are not as simple as they used to be. Having to have to miss out on a family wedding over something like the color of the outfit that you have to wear is a bit disheartening. Especially since no one will remember what you wore by the next week.
I think that some brides and grooms feel pressure to make this one day "perfect" that they focus on things that really don't matter in the long run.

Well I’m 40 and have an adult son and teenage daughter. I’ve been doing this for the last 15 years or so since I started very young and once my friends and family my age started getting married I already had small kids. I find it keeps me young in a way.

The weddings that I have been to that have “dress codes” have all been pretty simple IMO. They have all allowed black which I find is the simplest to find. The most recent I went to was to wear only black and/or gold. Easy peasy.

I went to a destination wedding that wanted everyone to wear purple. I wore a lilac dress. It took a bit to find the right dress but I’m glad it pushed me out of my comfort zone and wear a color I normally wouldn’t. I got some nice family pictures in our outfits too.

 

[Lilsia]

Well I’m 40 and have an adult son and teenage daughter. I’ve been doing this for the last 15 years or so since I started very young and once my friends and family my age started getting married I already had small kids. I find it keeps me young in a way.

The weddings that I have been to that have “dress codes” have all been pretty simple IMO. They have all allowed black which I find is the simplest to find. The most recent I went to was to wear only black and/or gold. Easy peasy.

I went to a destination that wanted everyone to wear purple. I wore a lilac dress. It took a bit to find the right dress but I’m glad it pushed me out of my comfort zone and wear a color I normally wouldn’t. I got some nice family pictures in our outfits too.

Sounds like a good time. I wonder though, what if you were unable to find something in purple that fit you and that you could afford? And what if you don't wear dresses? Do you think that you would have been able to find a pant suit in lilac?

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Update with venue information-

The wedding will be outside in a park on a sloping green lawn which actually is lovely. There are stone benches built into the hill. We will then walk a bit to a quite pretty reception space that will have outdoor and indoor seating. I'd rather not name the place but I looked at their catering which is mandatory and it is highly rated.

The bride and groom have chosen the family style option which is the least expensive. That is just fine although it will be a new wedding experience for many of us. I still wish that I wasn't having to pass the chicken supreme in my formal attire. All that said, the bride is a wonderful young woman and we will be happy to be part of her special day and dress in our birthday suits if that is what she wishes .

The NYC wedding that I was posting about is actually platters put on the tables and the guests pass them around. I'm not sure how the waitstaff figures out if people are finished. Is family style kind of like All You Can Eat, where as guests empty the bowls and platters, they then signal for more food(a la Ohana)? It all seems kind of complicated and not particularly formal.

OP has clarified that it is indeed a normal serve yourself bowls on the table.

I have never heard of a plated at the table, it would probably be more expensive because they would need not only more servers but appropriate food carts and many times more the number of serving dishes.


Good question. We here are all thinking Family Style is All You Can Eat but I don't think that is a standard associated with Family Style.

Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Middle Eastern, Spanish Tapas, etc restaurants are often considered Family Style because it is communal dining. Any extra food is another expense so I wouldn't expect any more food.

The OP stated this was the least expensive and that is likely because the food at the table will not be replenished. They ordered a set amount for each table and that is it.

This would not be a choice for me because the last few people are at the mercy of the rest at table on if they took their fair share. Often tables have strangers at them, not family or friends, so this get awkward. Last wedding I went to we knew no one. Two couples, Two Singles and the three of us. No one knew each other. AND with current health situations, we don't do buffet or situations where we share utensils with strangers.

I always thought a plated dinner was the fanciest (it’s the most expensive in my part of the country), then family style (because dinner was served table side and the guests didn’t have to walk up to the buffet to get their own food), then buffet was the least fancy (and least expensive option in my area) as it was more cafeteria style. It’s interesting to know that folks in the NYC area, where weddings are SUPER fancy, like buffet service better than family style. Who woulda thought?

 

[snikki]

Sounds like a good time. I wonder though, what if you were unable to find something in purple that fit you and that you could afford? And what if you don't wear dresses? Do you think that you would have been able to find a pant suit in lilac?

We have people of all shapes and sizes in our circle. I’m about a size 12-14. One of the most stylish people in the group is plus size and she has no issues finding affordable cute clothes. She also isn’t shy or feels like she has to dress in all covered up because she’s plus size but she’s also not half naked.

The purple attire was a beach wedding. I usually don’t wear dresses. Basically just for weddings. If I refused to wear a dress I’m sure I could’ve found a lilac top and khaki colored linen pants. The whole outfit didn’t have to be purple. The men mostly wore khaki colored shorts with purple or lilac tops.

The group pictures came out really nice with all the color coordinating. They also had a drone that did pictures.

 

[hrhdhd]

I always thought a plated dinner was the fanciest, then family style (because dinner was served table side and the quests didn’t have to walk up to the buffet to get their own food), then buffet was the least fancy (and least expensive option in my area) as it was more cafeteria style. It’s interesting to know that folks in the NYC area, where weddings are SUPER fancy, like buffet service better than family style. Who woulda thought?

We did a plated dinner at a hotel ballroom. It was cheaper than a buffet or "heavy hors d'oeuvres" by a longshot. (Caveat: in 1994.)

 

[Lilsia]

We have people of all shapes and sizes in our circle. I’m about a size 12-14. One of the most stylish people in the group is plus size and she has no issues finding affordable cute clothes. She also isn’t shy or feels like she has to dress in all covered up because she’s plus size but she’s also not half naked.

The purple attire was a beach wedding. I usually don’t wear dresses. Basically just for weddings. If I refused to wear a dress I’m sure I could’ve found a lilac top and khaki colored linen pants. The whole outfit didn’t have to be purple. The men mostly wore khaki colored shorts with purple or lilac tops.

The group pictures came out really nice with all the color coordinating. They also had a drone that did pictures.

I do like the look of the coordinated pictures. I think that I just hate shopping after putting on a few pounds from having kids. Plus I have skin sensitivities so that greatly limits the types of fabric and clothing that I can wear. That is probably what affects my thoughts on this. Having to go out and buy something special, and a specific color at that, would be a nightmare for me. It would stink to be the family member to miss out on a wedding because of an article of clothing.