Wedding invitation with rules

[snikki]

I do like the look of the coordinated pictures. I think that I just hate shopping after putting on a few pounds from having kids. Plus I have skin sensitivities so that greatly limits the types of fabric and clothing that I can wear. That is probably what affects my thoughts on this. Having to go out and buy something special, and a specific color at that, would be a nightmare for me. It would stink to be the family member to miss out on a wedding because of an article of clothing.

I’ve been there with the weight issues. Dreading going shopping and all that but I did it because I didn’t want to miss a big life event and because I know my kids would want to go and have fun. And you know what? When I look back at the pictures I think about how silly I was being because I look great and we had so much fun. We are our own worst critics.

 

[HopperFan]

I always thought a plated dinner was the fanciest (it’s the most expensive in my part of the country), then family style (because dinner was served table side and the quests didn’t have to walk up to the buffet to get their own food), then buffet was the least fancy (and least expensive option in my area) as it was more cafeteria style. It’s interesting to know that folks in the NYC area, where weddings are SUPER fancy, like buffet service better than family style. Who woulda thought?

I've lived in NJ/NYC area and now in the south. I have NEVER heard of a family style that was served table side. All family style were serving plates and bowls brought to the table for guests to serve themselves. In my "world" family style would be the least expensive and least appealing as a host or guest.

Buffets can be stunning in design and offer a wider range of foods. And many (like ours) the food is placed on your plate by staff, you are not serving yourself. Only choosing what you want and carrying it back to the table. Only your plate of food. The tables were fully decorated with napkins and flatware. Glasses and sparkling water each.

We did a plated dinner at a hotel ballroom. It was cheaper than a buffet or "heavy hors d'oeuvres" by a longshot. (Caveat: in 1994.)

I do think in some places it can be less, because I think there is less food provided. The portions are controlled and brought to you.

I think the heavy hors d'oeuvres are usually fancier in presentation and a lot more work for the caterer.

With DD served buffet there was plenty for folks to go back for more, and I still brought food home. I'm sure we had more food provided than if we had a plated meal.

It probably varies by region, by caterer and by what food you want.

 

[Lilsia]

I’ve been there with the weight issues. Dreading going shopping and all that but I did it because I didn’t want to miss a big life event and because I know my kids would want to go and have fun. And you know what? When I look back at the pictures I think about how silly I was being because I look great and we had so much fun. We are our own worst critics.

Yeah, mine is not just the weight issue, but my skin issues. Many fabrics give me a horrible rash. Regular clothing is not that bad, but the fancy stuff seems to be made of itchy fabrics. Shopping for clothing is probably the last thing that I ever want to do. LOL

 

[kymom99]

Yeah, mine is not just the weight issue, but my skin issues. Many fabrics give me a horrible rash. Regular clothing is not that bad, but the fancy stuff seems to be made of itchy fabrics. Shopping for clothing is probably the last thing that I ever want to do. LOL

I went out and bought a dress for my nephews July wedding. I got it at Penney’s. I was surprised at how good it fit my lumpy old body!

I assume the wedding colors are a soft pink because of the invitation color. The dress I bought is kind of gray background with some large flowers. The flowers have a pink in them and the dress has a sweater jacket type thing in a dusty pink color. After this thread, I might feel a bit conspicuous about it but it’s not like the whole dress is that color. So I’m wearing it. I doubt anyone cares.

Today I know they are dealing with tables at the reception. I talked to my brother today and he said they had some people rsvp that they are coming that they didn’t think would come. People who live several hours away. So the venue says they have to order these long tables to add more seating. Therefore, I doubt right now they are concerned with what colors the guests might wear. They want everyone to have a place to sit.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

I've lived in NJ/NYC area and now in the south. I have NEVER heard of a family style that was served table side. All family style were serving plates and bowls brought to the table for guests to serve themselves. In my "world" family style would be the least expensive and least appealing as a host or guest.

Buffets can be stunning in design and offer a wider range of foods. And many (like ours) the food is placed on your plate by staff, you are not serving yourself. Only choosing what you want and carrying it back to the table. Only your plate of food. The tables were fully decorated with napkins and flatware. Glasses and sparkling water each.



I do think in some places it can be less, because I think there is less food provided. The portions are controlled and brought to you.

I think the heavy hors d'oeuvres are usually fancier in presentation and a lot more work for the caterer.

With DD served buffet there was plenty for folks to go back for more, and I still brought food home. I'm sure we had more food provided than if we had a plated meal.

It probably varies by region, by caterer and by what food you want.

Yes, we are thinking if the same thing - family style - where the food is served on platters and in bowls placed on the table, then the guests pass the platters/bowls. I didn’t mean that servers walked around the table serving guests from the platter a la Downton Abbey. I bet Downton Abbey service would be the most expensive as it’s so labor intensive.

In 1990, I had a shorter cocktail hour and buffet meal reception in a hotel ballroom. It was the least expensive option offered at my venue. I’m taking mental notes on current wedding trends for when my DD eventually gets engaged.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Is that the reason? It never occurred to me that the bride/groom would request guests not wear certain colours so their wedding party could stand out.

I mean, the wedding party always stands out, no matter what the other guests are wearing. They’re walking down the aisle with flowers.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can see that being a reason. If guests are wearing the same color & similar fabric, it could be hard to distinguish who is in the bridal party.

There seems to be a different mentality depending on age. When you are younger and unencumbered, it is "fun" and much easier to go shopping and buy new outfits. When you are older, and maybe have some kids or have weight issues, or physical limitations, it is no longer fun or easy to just run and pick up a new outfit that you probably will not wear again.
Maybe life experience is a better term for it. Everyone has a different life experience and some things are not as simple as they used to be. Having to have to miss out on a family wedding over something like the color of the outfit that you have to wear is a bit disheartening. Especially since no one will remember what you wore by the next week.
I think that some brides and grooms feel pressure to make this one day "perfect" that they focus on things that really don't matter in the long run.

I'm middle aged, currently overweight & hate to shop. To me, there's nothing fun about it. I still try to respect the couple & wear what they ask. That's what Amazon is for.

As far as expense, I think most couples know, if Aunt Sally can't afford more than one dress & will be fine with whatever she wears. I seriously doubt that applies to anyone here though. Anyone who can afford to vacation can afford to buy a dress somewhere, even if it's a thrift store. Sometimes, it comes down to priorities, which is fine. Just don't blame someone else, because you (general you) only want to spend money on things that you care about.

I always thought a plated dinner was the fanciest (it’s the most expensive in my part of the country), then family style (because dinner was served table side and the guests didn’t have to walk up to the buffet to get their own food), then buffet was the least fancy (and least expensive option in my area) as it was more cafeteria style. It’s interesting to know that folks in the NYC area, where weddings are SUPER fancy, like buffet service better than family style. Who woulda thought?

As someone from the south, I agree with you. To me, buffet is the least desirable of the options.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I’ve been there with the weight issues. Dreading going shopping and all that but I did it because I didn’t want to miss a big life event and because I know my kids would want to go and have fun. And you know what? When I look back at the pictures I think about how silly I was being because I look great and we had so much fun. We are our own worst critics.

At our wedding we had my father-in-law's prior wife (they were still married at that time) there who was quite overweight and was going through breast cancer treatment and sometimes had her wig on sometimes not (there's photos of both). I really didn't care what she looked like, I just thought it was nice for her to make the attempt to come given all that she was going through.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm middle aged, currently overweight & hate to shop. To me, there's nothing fun about it. I still try to respect the couple & wear what they ask. That's what Amazon is for.

I don't even think it's age related, body issues and how we perceive ourselves come at all different ages, so do physical limitations. I find virtually no fun in shopping for things because of my body type and never really did except when I was a very very young teenager and wasn't so busty, still had the short height and short waist problem (and if you don't have a short waist you may not realize how many clothes are designed without that in mind).

If anything isn't the stereotype the older you get the less you care what others think about you when generally the younger you are the more you care what others think about your body?

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I don't even think it's age related, body issues and how we perceive ourselves come at all different ages, so do physical limitations. I find virtually no fun in shopping for things because of my body type and never really did except when I was a very very young teenager and wasn't so busty, still had the short height and short waist problem (and if you don't have a short waist you may not realize how many clothes are designed without that in mind).

If anything isn't the stereotype the older you get the less you care what others think about you when generally the younger you are the more you care what others think about your body?

I agree. I've always hated to shop. Age & weight have nothing to do with it.

 

[scrapquitler]

Am I the only one who in decades of life and many weddings attended, literally never realized until reading this thread that “avoiding the bridal party colors is a fairly normal thing to do”?

Most of the time, I have no idea what the bridal party colors even are until I see them walking down the aisle.

 

[scrapquitler]

Update with venue information-

The wedding will be outside in a park on a sloping green lawn which actually is lovely. There are stone benches built into the hill. We will then walk a bit to a quite pretty reception space that will have outdoor and indoor seating. I'd rather not name the place but I looked at their catering which is mandatory and it is highly rated.

The bride and groom have chosen the family style option which is the least expensive. That is just fine although it will be a new wedding experience for many of us. I still wish that I wasn't having to pass the chicken supreme in my formal attire. All that said, the bride is a wonderful young woman and we will be happy to be part of her special day and dress in our birthday suits if that is what she wishes .

 

[Disneylover99]

I can't speak for everyone, but I can see that being a reason. If guests are wearing the same color & similar fabric, it could be hard to distinguish who is in the bridal party.

This is what I don’t get though. Why does it matter? The people in the bridal party know it and the guests who may be wearing the same colour dress also know they are not in the bridal party.

At one wedding I went to, the bridesmaids wore black. And so did most of the guests. Everyone looked great! But maybe I’m out of the loop with weddings today. I guess it just seems like a non-issue to me.

 

[goofyernmost]

This is what I don’t get though. Why does it matter? The people in the bridal party know it and the guests who may be wearing the same colour dress also know they are not in the bridal party.

At one wedding I went to, the bridesmaids wore black. And so did most of the guests. Everyone looked great! But maybe I’m out of the loop with weddings today. I guess it just seems like a non-issue to me.

Isn't it bad enough that we are forced to provide wedding gifts to people for some unknown reason and now we have to buy a one use wardrobe for the occasion like a bunch of clones? I don't really care if they "requested" that everyone bow to their whims for some absolutely unreasonable purpose. If it is required I just won't go. They don't want me there because that like, love or respect me, they want me there for their little show. Weddings are show enough and most of them are nice to watch, but I am not a player in the one act play and don't want to be. I dressed special for my own wedding and again for my daughters weddings, but that is it. I was a player in those shows not just part of an audience.

 

[Uncle Coaster]

This is what I don’t get though. Why does it matter? The people in the bridal party know it and the guests who may be wearing the same colour dress also know they are not in the bridal party.

At one wedding I went to, the bridesmaids wore black. And so did most of the guests. Everyone looked great! But maybe I’m out of the loop with weddings today. I guess it just seems like a non-issue to me.

This is where the disconnect is for me. If it doesn’t matter or is a non-issue to someone, then shouldn’t it be easy for that person to abide by the request?

If the color I wear to an event doesn’t matter to me and someone asks me to wear purple, I will do it if conditions allow no questions asked. That’s called being a good friend (or whatever). If I refuse to go or talk about them behind their backs about it then that implies that it does indeed matter to me.

 

[Disneylover99]

This is where the disconnect is for me. If it doesn’t matter or is a non-issue to someone, then shouldn’t it be easy for that person to abide by the request?

If the color I wear to an event doesn’t matter to me and someone asks me to wear purple, I will do it if conditions allow no questions asked. That’s called being a good friend (or whatever). If I refuse to go or talk about them behind their backs about it then that implies that it does indeed matter to me.

If I wanted to go to a wedding, I’d definitely comply with whatever the requests are on the invitation. But I’m curious and I’d like to know why.

 

[mjkacmom]

I always thought a plated dinner was the fanciest (it’s the most expensive in my part of the country), then family style (because dinner was served table side and the guests didn’t have to walk up to the buffet to get their own food), then buffet was the least fancy (and least expensive option in my area) as it was more cafeteria style. It’s interesting to know that folks in the NYC area, where weddings are SUPER fancy, like buffet service better than family style. Who woulda thought?

Most of the weddings I’ve been to were plate, a few buffets, I don’t think I’ve been to one with food served family style. There is usually a ton of stuff on the tables, centerpieces, different glasses, plates, silverware, ladies purses, sometimes favors.

 

[sam_gordon]

Isn't it bad enough that we are forced to provide wedding gifts to people for some unknown reason and now we have to buy a one use wardrobe for the occasion like a bunch of clones? I don't really care if they "requested" that everyone bow to their whims for some absolutely unreasonable purpose

Sorry, this sounds to me like someone is bitter about being invited. "Forced to provide wedding gifts"? Really? I've never felt "forced".

And wouldn't giving the guest the opportunity to choose their own outfit mean they can pick something out that isn't a "one use wardrobe"?

And you have no idea what their reasoning is, so you have no clue whether its unreasonable or not. All of the thoughts here (for photos or to distinguish the bridal party) are nothing more than guesses.

If you don't want to go, then don't. As has been said throughout the thread, its an invitation, not a summons.

 

[kymom99]

Most of the weddings I’ve been to were plate, a few buffets, I don’t think I’ve been to one with food served family style. There is usually a ton of stuff on the tables, centerpieces, different glasses, plates, silverware, ladies purses, sometimes favors.

That’s my experience as well. Both my weddings were buffet but recently most are plated. Never seen a family style, and I’ve attended a lot of weddings in my lifetime.

 

[tzolkin]

I don't think it's really that people care what others do at their wedding. I could care less if someone's wedding is elegant or tacky, big or small, stunning or ugly ... it's their wedding, their taste and their memory. I am just an extra.

What I think you and some others are not thinking about is that many guests -
- Take days off work sometimes at monetary loss
- Spend money on traveling whether gas with hotels or airfare and shared rides
- Spend money on hotels
- Spend money on clothing requested on invite if they don't have
- Spend money on food during trip
- Spend money on child care
- Spend money on a gift

Attending a wedding can be very expensive so yes I think it is okay for guests to inquire what to expect when they get there. They have to be able to make an educated decision especially if the financial part is going to impact them.

Yes, I want to know if it will be outside and what my A/C and bathroom options are. I'm not high maintenance but I'm not using a porta potty, and I can't do extended heat without A/C breaks. I want to know if no food is being provided, I'll pack my own or eat before I come. I want to know if there are two bars and I can't use one, then I can make a good decision about my time and money. I'd rather not be miserable and just send a bigger gift.

To the bolded, you may not care about any of those things, but there absolutely are people who do (and are often quite vocal about it). There will be guests who will talk about how cheap the hosts are because they didn't provide x,y,z, guests who complain about the venue, guests who complain about the food options, guests who talk about how ugly the bridesmaid dresses were, guests who complain the bride is rude or demanding because of the way the invitations were worded, etc. Those are the people I was talking about-- guests who tell everyone (including the couple) that the wedding was bad because not every single element was exactly the way they would have done it.

As for the rest of your post, I completely agree. I am a detail-oriented over planner (like color coded spreadsheets and laminated note cards for a vacation kind of person). I have definitely thought about all of those things (and more) regarding weddings. I have no issue at all with guests inquiring about what to expect.

I'm not really sure what about my post made it seem like I was saying that guests could not ask questions. I'm all for it. I would much rather someone have all the information and then make their decision about whether they would like to attend or not instead of attending and then complaining about every detail that they did not like.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

I've been to weddings mostly in the Philly and South Jersey area, where buffets are the norm (at least in my circle). I've been to tacky buffets-think giant swans made out of potato salad- and to really fancy ones with servers putting everything on your plate for you. I went to one wedding where it was plated and served and you had a couple of choices on the invitation to choose from. I *much* preferred the buffets. Easier and with more variety usually.