Adoption transparency measure passes hurdle in NYS Senate

[Wendy31]

I think we don't want to confuse the issue, though.

These babies given up for adoption are born.

But even though they are born, because they are not legal adults or anywhere near the stage where they could potentially make decions for themselves, legally, parents must make decisions for them, just as they do for an illness or congenital birth defect, etc.

You're right, of course, & I recognize that there's a difference.

But I think, in many instances, birth mothers, for different reasons, may decide to choose adoption over other options because of the promise of the sealed adoption records.

Birth mothers make different choices for their children. Adoption is one of those choices. She can choose a closed adoption. She can choose an open adoption. She can choose to maintain contact w/ the adoptive family. She can choose to leave the baby at a local fire station & walk away.

The child doesn't get a say in how his/her life starts.

The adoptee should have rights, but their rights shouldn't undo the conscious, often very brave, selfless choice his/her birth mother made. And I'm afraid that the fear of having adoption records unsealed may cause some birth mothers, who would have chosen adoption, to make other choices.

 

[L&Lfan]

My adopted older half brother, who I had no idea even existed, contacted me by mail after our father’s death. I had no interest in pursuing a relationship so I never responded. He hasn’t contacted me since and it’s been 10 years. I wonder from time to time if I made the right decision.

 

[maddiel]

I would have been ok with a "no thank you"- at least it would have been a closure for me. I started looking as a teen and finally managed to find her when I was about 34- it was a long search with lots of highs and lows and all I wanted was some type of closure.

If you would have been okay with a "no thank you", would you have been okay with it if your birth parent had opted out of making their identifying information available? Because in that's basically what they did, only at the time of the adoption.

M.

 

[aprilgail]

If you would have been okay with a "no thank you", would you have been okay with it if your birth parent had opted out of making their identifying information available? Because in that's basically what they did, only at the time of the adoption.

M.

As did mine at the time- but time changes and dirty secrets are no longer considered dirty secrets and we should have the chance to find that out.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If you would have been okay with a "no thank you", would you have been okay with it if your birth parent had opted out of making their identifying information available? Because in that's basically what they did, only at the time of the adoption.

M.

It feels (just from reading this thread) that those who support this bill feel that the adopted’s rights trump anyone else’s.

 

[Hikergirl]

As did mine at the time- but time changes and dirty secrets are no longer considered dirty secrets and we should have the chance to find that out.

Dirty little secrets? That is how you see sealed adoptions?

 

[DisneyDebbie]

I haven’t quite figured out how to use the new features yet, so I’m not quoting posts.

Some of you seem to think that allowing an adult adoptee the right to a family name is some horrific breech of privacy. Our rights were decided for us as children, but as adults we should also have a choice. In no way am I (or other adoptees I know) asking for a huge sacrifice from birth parents- a conversation or a picture. In today’s world, there is no more privacy.

I am absolutely showing compassion for my birth mother, if I wanted to, I could reach out to her family ( biologically mine) and maybe talk to someone who is willing to communicate.

 

[aprilgail]

Dirty little secrets? That is how you see sealed adoptions?

absolutely.

 

[verleniahall]

I haven’t quite figured out how to use the new features yet, so I’m not quoting posts.

Some of you seem to think that allowing an adult adoptee the right to a family name is some horrific breech of privacy. Our rights were decided for us as children, but as adults we should also have a choice. In no way am I (or other adoptees I know) asking for a huge sacrifice from birth parents- a conversation or a picture. In today’s world, there is no more privacy.

I am absolutely showing compassion for my birth mother, if I wanted to, I could reach out to her family ( biologically mine) and maybe talk to someone who is willing to communicate.

The thing is - at least from my perspective - is that the family didn't want contact for whatever reason - maybe it was a teen pregnancy and they wanted the daughter to move forward with life - maybe it was an affair - maybe it was a case of rape - whatEVER the case was - they decided they didn't want contact - that has to be respected.

I get YOUR side as well - you just ant to know where you came from.

 

[verleniahall]

absolutely.

That is YOUR opinion - and you dont know why they are sealed - you don't know that it doesn't KILL that woman every day, but would reaching out be harder - knowing that she has missed out on so many things.

Be considerate, and STOP calling it a dirty little secret- you have NO idea what they have been through - and you won't unless you experience the same thing. There might be people here who had a sealed adoption and you calling it that is just daggers in the heart - or there might be adoptees that have a sealed adoption and YOU are calling them that.

This is YOUR option - NOT the opinion of others, or of everyone in your situation - so you need to take a step back, take a breath, and move forward.

 

[Hikergirl]

absolutely.

You are certainly entitled to feel that way about your personal experience.
I don't think it's fair to all the other people out there whose situation you know nothing about to say their adoption is some 'dirty little secret'.

 

[mom2rtk]

In today’s world, there is no more privacy.

Someone should tell the Supreme Court.

 

[Hikergirl]

I haven’t quite figured out how to use the new features yet, so I’m not quoting posts.

Some of you seem to think that allowing an adult adoptee the right to a family name is some horrific breech of privacy. Our rights were decided for us as children, but as adults we should also have a choice. In no way am I (or other adoptees I know) asking for a huge sacrifice from birth parents- a conversation or a picture. In today’s world, there is no more privacy.

I am absolutely showing compassion for my birth mother, if I wanted to, I could reach out to her family ( biologically mine) and maybe talk to someone who is willing to communicate.

I do think it is a breach of privacy, I wouldn't call it horrific though. I do understand your POV, I said I was torn on the issue. I feel those parents who agreed to a sealed adoption and having their privacy protected by the laws in place should not have them yanked from under their feet. And I don't know if you can really say you aren't asking for a huge sacrifice. You really don't know what their feelings are on this.
I have no problems with no more closed adoptions, although I think that will cause some unintended consequences in the long run. I do have problems with government in one moment protecting rights and then deciding they suddenly don't deserve protecting anymore and take them away, and that is what this law does.

 

[china mom]

Playing devils advocate for a minute. If we are unsealing everything, now you are giving birth parents information about the whereabouts and identity of their birth children. I can think of cases where that would be less than desirable. They signed away the right to be in their child's life, they should no be able to reappear at their choosing.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

IMO, the birth parent absolutely has the right to not be a part of their child’s (or any other family members) life. But both parties should have the option of contact.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

In my research, there were many many adoptions that were not what the birth mother wanted. She was forced or even lied to.

 

[maddiel]

In my research, there were many many adopted babies that were not what the birth mother wanted. She was forced or even lied to

I think that you mean that the _adoption_ was not what the mother wanted?

An opt-in system would give those birth mothers the opportunity to be found if their child wanted to find them, while at the same time protecting the privacy of birth parents who still want privacy.

M.

 

[yoopermom]

I have very mixed emotions on this. DH's DGM was (in retrospect) a mentally ill woman, who had multiple children with multiple men, and told many lies to cover up whatever the truth(s) may have been. His DM was lucky enough to be fostered by a wonderful family who treated her as their own, and she still maintained some contact with her biomom. Since this woman's death a decade ago, and largely due to the DNA websites, DH's DM has discovered three more (half) siblings in addition to the two she already knew about. Some are open to meeting, others aren't, but it's been an emotional rollercoaster as each has different memories of this woman who biologically gave birth to them but was never their mother in the best sense of the word. HOWEVER, they are all grateful beyond words that she did give them up for adoption. There is the feeling, judging by the shared history, that there may be up to another three siblings "out there" that they don't know about.

I feel that adoption falls into the top ten of most sensitive topics that we should be careful discussing, because of the extreme emotions involved.

Terri

 

[DisneyDebbie]

I think that you mean that the _adoption_ was not what the mother wanted?

An opt-in system would give those birth mothers the opportunity to be found if their child wanted to find them, while at the same time protecting the privacy of birth parents who still want privacy.

M.

Yes, that is what I meant. And in my research, many of the birth moms were told it was against the law to try to contact their adult child- protecting the adoptive parents. I feel that once everyone is an adult, there should be an informed choice.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

Someone should tell the Supreme Court.

I was ASTOUNDED by the information I was able to get online being an average person. Between subscription sites (like white pages, ancestry) public census records, obituaries, and social media... I could find names, relatives names, addresses, phone numbers, school records, job info. It was truly eye opening for me to realize how easily accessible the personal info is for anyone. Although I didn’t pursue anything outside of the US.