Assault at a Concert

[lifesavacation]

A swift kick to the jewels ends nonsense like that quick. Sometimes violence is the answer.

Absolutely. If someone violates you, then you are well within your right to protect yourself. We need to teach women that sometimes it's OK to fight back.

Having said that, I was assaulted in college in a library of all places. Signs had been posted in the bathrooms and study rooms about women needing to be vigilant for sexual attacks. Thankfully, I got away before I was actually raped, but it was close enough that I'll never forget seeing this guy's *****. My response wasn't to fight back or scream for help (at least I don't remember screaming). I got away from him, notified the library staff, and then left the building. In that moment, I just left and ran away from the building. Why I didn't stay to make sure the guy was identified and held accountable is beyond me. Flight or fight is an interesting thing. My boss did follow-up with campus security the next day on my behalf. But I didn't want to talk about it or meet with them. I wanted to forget it happened.

 

[holden]

This is horrifying. My DD16 keeps asking to go to concerts with her friends and I keep coming up with excuses for why she can't go. This is a good one!

It happened to me when I was 16 and working in a pizza place. If that ever happened to my daughters I'd go ballistic. I never told my parents. I told the guy to back off and told my boss (his boss too). The boss made sure it never happened again.

 

[Colleen27]

Ugh. How sad is it that this is something women need to be prepared to deal with any time they're in a crowd? I'm sorry some creeper ruined what should have been a wonderful night out for you.

I didn't know what the heck to do. This guys wife was right next to him. I turned around and looked to see if anyone was seeing what was going on. I was shaking and I was just trying to think of a way out without making a scene.

I think we need to get past worrying about making a scene in situations like this. Our silence and concern for those around us only emboldens creeps like this one. A hard stomp on his foot or a well-placed elbow tends to send a much clearer signal than moving away.

unto reading this I never really thought about it, but I could see it happening a lot. I think the best and most simple soultion until secuirty if forced to catch up, is women should carry some pepper spray, that stuff will stop anyone, time I bought one, and sprayed myself to see what it like, (top 5 most stupid things I done) anyway I was done

You can't get that into a concert venue, though, and even if you could, spraying it in a wall-to-wall people situation would likely hit more than just your target.

 

[prettypatchesmsu]

I am incredibly sorry this happened to you. I do believe you. I can totally understand your response. I think as women we are always concerned about "making a fuss" and it's something that we've learned. I'm also middle-aged. I had some similar experiences as a teen and young adult with being groped. I actually do not wear skirts anymore, haven't for years. They make me feel unsafe. I know that's crazy to feel that way and that I've been made to feel that way. It makes me sad that I think that way. But I do.

 

[luvsJack]

I think a lot of the time you are stunned by it and then you start doubting yourself. Like, “did that really happen?” Then they think they got away with it and try again. Now suddenly you’re afraid. You have the whole freeze, flight or fight thing going on. You never know how you’re going to react. The story I told above, I froze but there have been other times where I fought back. (Bit a guy and came close to breaking another’s fingers)

Too many times, for us southern women, we are taught not to make a scene, not to make the people around us uncomfortable and to never ever do anything that can be seen as rude or just like the op said "ruining" someone else's good time. It takes working at it to get to a point where those lesson go out the window in certain situations. Honestly, for any woman that figures out she tends to freeze or flight, she needs to try and work on it by taking self defense classes or acting the scene out in her mind or something that will kick in the fight instinct.

I have been in that situation too. and the first brush or touch, especially in a crowd situation, its easy to think maybe it was an accident. The second time? Nope. Something is coming at him. I have elbowed a few guys. I guess I don't have the freeze or flight instinct when it comes to that, I don't know. When we used to spend a lot of time going out dancing, there was always at least one drunk guy that thought he was being cute by pawing all over any female that came near. I actually met Dh by throwing a drink in a guy like that's face and accidently getting part of the drink on dh.

DD's husband almost learned the hard way not to come up behind her in a crowd. They were at an event in NOLA and he left to go get a drink. The guys behind her had been saying things about her, purposely loud enough for her to hear and then suddenly she feels someone grab her waist. She came around swinging! LOL Luckily she stopped in time. But the guys behind her had these huge deer in a headlights look. She said well maybe it at least showed them there are some women you better not mess with.

 

[Feralpeg]

Based on all the responses here, ignoring the issue or avoiding confrontation obviously doesn't work. I know it isn't pleasant, but I would have told him point blank that the next time he touched me, I be calling security. If his wife heard, so be it. In my opinion, wives need to know when their husbands are showing disrespectful behavior to others.

 

[hereyago]

OP, sorry this happened. But unfortunately it isn't a new thing.

There are pervs every where.

Years ago, I worked at a timeshare and I had to clean the pool changing bathrooms.
There was a salesman, an older one that I had to embarrass:
He came in and began to underess to take s shower. Um the sign said closed.he asked if I had seen a man naked before I said yes but I don't want to see you!. He told me no one would take my word.
Ok, I am kind of crazy at times. So he came in again and made a lewd comment. I pressed my mic on my walkie talkie and everyone heard our conversation since he liked to run his mouth.. My boss, the big boss front desk.
My boss who was a blonde Paul Bunyan came in. And this guy was almost naked. Lol.
I didn't see him anymore after that.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

I would be so pissed if that was me. My daughter was at some big outdoor festival in France and was groped- she was so pissed, she did scream at the guy but since he did not speak English he didn't know what she was screaming at him-she was pretty upset the whole night. The next time it happened to her some guy was rubbing against her on the train and she screamed at the top of her lungs to "knock it off and get your ***** off of me" that sure got the attention of the people around her and made the guy get off the train the next stop!

The same thing happened to me on a packed subway train in Madrid right after college. At first I thought it was someone's briefcase poking me in the crotch, but I quickly realized it was a man's fingers. I wiggled away as fast as I could and very loudly said, "Stop touching me." Turns out he'd touched a few of the other girls with me before he touched me, and it got us all talking about it.

It also happened to me when I was in middle school at a neighborhood swimming pool. A group of teen boys I didn't know were swimming around grabbing unsuspecting girls in the crotch. That one really pissed me off. I saw who did it, saw him laughing, got out of the pool and reported it to a life guard and NOTHING happened to the kid. He wasn't kicked out or anything. I didn't go back in the water that day, and hardly ever went to the pool again that summer.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

You HAVE to make a scene. Or you are silencing your own right to protest the behaviour. Don't worry about what people might think when you are protecting yourself from assault!
It happens to me too...
on the bus, I just yell LOUD, "get your hands off my ________"! In a crowd, I yell "stop touching me!"
I have no fear or shame over humiliating the perp in public. That usually stops the action immediately

 

[TavieP]

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong, and you absolutely should be able to go to a concert by yourself without being sexually assaulted and tormented. You're right to be angry that this experience was ruined for you.

 

[hereyago]

This is horrifying. My DD16 keeps asking to go to concerts with her friends and I keep coming up with excuses for why she can't go. This is a good one!

No offense, but you really aren't helping her prepare for if a situation occurs. It doesn't have to be a concert, it could be her future work place etc.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

If it happens again, try screaming STOP and not just standing there.

 

[DisMike]

You absolutely should have made a scene. At the very least his wife would have known although if he's doing it right next to you the wife probably already knows. Also, if he did that to you in a public place, he's likely done it before to others. You should have made a scene and gotten security involved. I know that at the time you were probably in a bit of shock not knowing what to do. Clowns like this need to be stopped. Sorry for you.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I'm sorry this happened. I've experienced sexual harassment and assault at concerts, bars, etc., to the point where I have very little faith that there are any good men around. I'm guessing it's worse at these places because everyone is drinking. But in my eyes, being drunk doesn't give any man the right to put his hands on me (or other parts of himself). Someone suggested a kick in the junk, but I worry that will provoke a violent reaction. I have pushed men before, yelled at them, but in the situation you described I probably wouldn't have done that, out of fear of causing a scene. But that's the problem with sexual assault--victims feel ashamed and they keep it quiet. I guess I don't have a solution to the problem, but I hope any men reading this post will take it to heart. You can admire women's bodies without touching them.

 

[holden]

No offense, but you really aren't helping her prepare for if a situation occurs. It doesn't have to be a concert, it could be her future work place etc.

I feel she's prepared to handle a situation like this, I just don't want her to throw her to the wolves if I don't have to. We've had discussions about not accepting a drink from someone, being aware of your surroundings, what to do if something happens, etc. She's been plenty of places by herself and has even called us to pick her up because something made her uncomfortable.

 

[Hikergirl]

I feel she's prepared to handle a situation like this, I just don't want her to throw her to the wolves if I don't have to. We've had discussions about not accepting a drink from someone, being aware of your surroundings, what to do if something happens, etc. She's been plenty of places by herself and has even called us to pick her up because something made her uncomfortable.

If it makes you feel any better my dd has been going to concerts since she was around 16 and has never been groped at any of them.
The bars in her college town are another story though.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

Women have got to learn that it is ok to scream at the assaulter to stop, or a sharp elbow to the ribs or a swift kick or even punch him in the face. Whatever it takes. Don't worry about ruining someone else's night. HE is the one ruining it, not you.

Too many times, for us southern women, we are taught not to make a scene, not to make the people around us uncomfortable and to never ever do anything that can be seen as rude or just like the op said "ruining" someone else's good time. It takes working at it to get to a point where those lesson go out the window in certain situations. Honestly, for any woman that figures out she tends to freeze or flight, she needs to try and work on it by taking self defense classes or acting the scene out in her mind or something that will kick in the fight instinct.

Yes, this. We're conditioned to be polite and not want to cause a scene, and we have to get past that. Easier said than done. Plus sometimes it's someone you know, which makes it even more uncomfortable how to handle. It's happened to me, and no, I didn't call it out, just extricated myself from the situation as quickly as possible. Having taken a few years of martial arts now though, I do feel like I will have a better response if something should happen again, and thinking forward a few years to when my kids are in college, I will feel somewhat better they have had that training as well.

 

[emmybee]

That's happened to me a couple of times. The first and worst time was when some perv grabbed me in a "presidential" manner. I grabbed his arm, socked him in the arm (not as hard as I would have liked), and was lucky that a bouncer was nearby. I still remember being amazed, and grateful that he believed me. The guy was thrown out, but I guess I should have requested to have the police called. I imagine nowadays that request would be more respected, but at the time...well, many of us know what it's like to feel like we can't make a stink when our integrity and bodily autonomy is disregarded.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong, and you absolutely should be able to go to a concert by yourself without being sexually assaulted and tormented. You're right to be angry that this experience was ruined for you.

This!

I guess I don't know how I feel entirely at this point. I've been assaulted at gunpoint before and the feelings are just so much different this time. I was just so scared of everything and everyone when that happened. I've done a lot of work to move on from that, but I feel like I don't know where to start again.

See someone before it becomes bigger in your mind. Right now, you escaped the situation. Looking back, you wish you had handled it differently, but you are physically OK. To find a counselor, you can go through your primary care doctor, a clergyperson, or maybe even your work (I know our insurance through DH's company has a limited visit quick help thing). Talk it out and put it behind you before it snowballs.

You have the whole freeze, flight or fight thing going on.

This is so true! Most people have heard of it as "fight or flight" but I just went to a presentation last month that explained we actually freeze first - and it's perfectly natural. Prey who sense a predator draw in their breath and open their eyes wide before they run. The key is to have a practiced "script" (doesn't matter if it's words or actions or both) in your head to "unfreeze" yourself.

Some scripts for a similar situation in the future might be:

A - minimum fuss) Involve the couple on the other side of you. Say that the man next to you is making you a bit uncomfortable, and ask if the other man would mind changing seats with you.

B - medium fuss) Elbow the guy and say "Cut it out!"

C - maximum fuss) Shove him hard into his wife and scream for security.

The "right" one is whichever plan you can make yourself feel comfortable enough with that you'll actually follow through on it. (And it might feel dorky, but it does help to practice.)

 

[AustinTink]

I go to a lot of concerts. Have done so my whole life. This happens all the time. Big crowds squished together and alcohol bring out the worst in all the pervs. I've just yelled "stop" or "wth" when I've been touched in various places. Everyone turns around, the guy walks away, problem solved. It's easier in a concert-type crowd to yell and defend yourself. Alone in a secluded place is a whole other story.