Being interrupted

[DisneyOma]

I interrupt - and I do it a lot at work. I had a double+ caseload of special needs students last year, (assigned to 9 classrooms, and we have 4 periods a day, so I was splitting classes into half/thirds) and I have to talk to their caseload managers, see lesson plans, IEPs, etc. Unless I wanted to spend an hour or two every day after school, unpaid, to do all the behind the scenes stuff, I had to interrupt people talking about sports, knitting, lunch, social events, etc. If you're standing out in the hall, and I'm looking for a missing student, I'll interrupt your conversation, as it is a safety issue. I count to 5 before I do, though. And I say 'excuse me' a lot! And sorry, and thank you

Now, I interrupt my husband for other reasons, mainly when he is wrong

 

[erin1715]

My MIL is known for this and at first I let it go, but now it drives me insane. Not only does she interrupt, but she will ask you a question directly and then when you begin to give an answer, she will completely cut you off, turn to speak to someone else and change the subject entirely. Now I've learned to just give short answers because that's all her attention span can handle.

 

[DawnM]

I have a friend or two like this. One makes me nuts and sometimes I say, "Let me FINISH!" Often she feels she knows more than you do, so when she sees you are hesitating to find a word or a thought, she pounces right in and gives her own opinion and doesn't let anyone else in.

Makes me nuts. I limit contact, but I can't avoid her completely.

 

[MrsDuck]

There's a difference in being an interrupter and a one upper. OPs friend sounds like a one upper and not a very good friend. I have a friend just like this that I have tried to distance myself from in the past. I occasionally see her and regret it.

I have no real advice but this: if you don't want to get together with her, don't.

 

[penn19]

My dh is an interrupter...big time. And yes, he gets to speak a lot. Me? Not so much. I'll be saying something and in he goes....I just sit there. Later he'll ask if I was in a bad mood. Ah, no. You just had to get your 47 cents worth in when I was speaking. He once accused me of sitting there, like a bump on a log, never saying anything. Oh, I'm sorry dear....I couldn't get a word in edgewise! He likes to be the center of attention....there is never any 'quiet' when he's around. He hasn't met a silence he doesn't/can't fill!!!
And I've mentioned it to him, many times. He apologizes and says he'll try to do better. But, it never lasts. Now? When he interrupts me, I just say 'excuse me?'.

My husband interrupts also. It's very aggravating. And he does it to my kids all the time. And they just look at him like um, ok....I've told him about it. He acknowledges it. And goes right back to doing it again. When he does it now I just ignore him and then when he's done I will say to the person he interrupted, "so you were saying...". Annoying.

 

[VandVsmama]

Ok, so your friend is "sensitive." Does that mean that her feelings are more important than yours? Because every time you keep your mouth shut and you say nothing to your friend about her rude behavior, that's the message you are sending.

Your friend is an adult. She will get over it. Besides, chances are that she has no idea how often she interrupts people in conversations. All you have to do is say, "Please stop interrupting me." When she does it again a moment later, say, "You just did it again. Please stop it."

You can do it.

 

[DLgal]

I am an interrupter. I try REALLY hard not to be. However, in my mind, a conversation should be like a ping pong game...back and forth, rather quickly. You say something, I respond, you respond, I respond, etc. This is how I "learned" conversation in my house because I grew up with two sisters and a mom who just talk and talk and talk. I have a VERY hard time when the person I am talking to just talks for a long time and doesn't expect a response. I start to feel panicky and feel the need to say something to break it up. I feel like if I sit there silent, my mind drifts and I actually do stop paying attention, so I "interrupt" to let the other person know I am actively engaged and following what they are saying. I guess I'm not subtle enough, though, because my husband HATES that I interrupt him (and others). It is probably the one thing that we have never been able to resolve fully in our relationship. We have been together for coming up on 20 years, and it still causes issues from time to time.

It is a really hard thing to change, so I apologize on behalf of Interrupters everywhere. We don't usually do it on purpose.

Now, one upping? Not okay. Sharing a similar experience is okay, but trying to take the cake...no.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think this falls into the category of: People are who they are / the way they are.
If you were to say something, and hope to change this. I think you will be disappointed.

One always has to manage and control the way THEY deal with and react to things.
Cause, you can't control others attitudes/actions/etc.

If you can manage to kind of wedge in a bit of your own input into the conversation, and learn to handle this... Maybe, "But, what I was saying was...."
And this can work out...
And the relationship is still okay for you.

Or, maybe not, and you might reconsider this friendship???

I just want to add that this kind of thing is common for people with ADD or ADHD.
Adults can have this, it is not limited to childhood!
My husband had a co-worker who I just swear was VERY ADHD.
It really was almost impossible to hold a reasonable coherent conversation with him.
As a co-worker, even discussing work stuff was iike really bad.
He would do the thing like you describe with ongoing firing off questions, etc.. before the first thing had even been answered.
He was so ADHD and unfocused, that he actually drove his work truck right off into a ditch, due to lack of focus on his driving!

Sounds like maybe some self-centeredness too???
But maybe this kind of ADHD can have that appearance?

 

[shh]

I am an interrupter. I try REALLY hard not to be. However, in my mind, a conversation should be like a ping pong game...back and forth, rather quickly. You say something, I respond, you respond, I respond, etc. This is how I "learned" conversation in my house because I grew up with two sisters and a mom who just talk and talk and talk. I have a VERY hard time when the person I am talking to just talks for a long time and doesn't expect a response. I start to feel panicky and feel the need to say something to break it up. I feel like if I sit there silent, my mind drifts and I actually do stop paying attention, so I "interrupt" to let the other person know I am actively engaged and following what they are saying. I guess I'm not subtle enough, though, because my husband HATES that I interrupt him (and others). It is probably the one thing that we have never been able to resolve fully in our relationship. We have been together for coming up on 20 years, and it still causes issues from time to time.

It is a really hard thing to change, so I apologize on behalf of Interrupters everywhere. We don't usually do it on purpose.

Now, one upping? Not okay. Sharing a similar experience is okay, but trying to take the cake...no.

This makes so much sense! If how we learned to communicate growing up is very different from the other person, it's tough to change that style.

I have more of a northeast style - faster talking and a good friend from the midwest who speaks slooowly with loooong pauses before or after questions/comments. I try really hard, but am constantly cutting in and interrupting. It drives me nuts when we speak by phone since I can't see facial expressions...every once in a while I have to literally ask "are you still there"?

But, yet my DH is way worse than me...he constantly interrupts me or starts asking off-the-track questions (like an earlier poster described). And I have to do a "LET ME FINISH!" thing.

(I did read that overall, men tend to interrupt women far more than they interrupt other men - they did a bunch of behavorial studies on that.) I do see evidence of that in the workplace all the time.

 

[Straitlover]

No, why?

I think CannotWaitForDisney was joking with you, interrupting your quote.

I am also an interrupter. I too am working on it, but I have a hard time finding a happy medium. In trying not to interrupt, I end up not saying anything at all. So I guess that's soemthign else I need to work on.

I have the same issue w/ some people thinking I'm bossy; in trying not to take over, I end up not participating at all. This one is very hard for me, because people saying "what do you want to do? I don't know what do you want to do?" drives me nuts! Plus, I'm a bit of a control freak.

Oops, was that me interrupting again? Sorry!

OP, I hope you can get the problem worked out. Losing a friend (if it comes to that) is not fun.

 

[Domo]

Clam it. Domo wants to speak now.

 

[DLgal]

This makes so much sense! If how we learned to communicate growing up is very different from the other person, it's tough to change that style.

I have more of a northeast style - faster talking and a good friend from the midwest who speaks slooowly with loooong pauses before or after questions/comments. I try really hard, but am constantly cutting in and interrupting. It drives me nuts when we speak by phone since I can't see facial expressions...every once in a while I have to literally ask "are you still there"?

But, yet my DH is way worse than me...he constantly interrupts me or starts asking off-the-track questions (like an earlier poster described). And I have to do a "LET ME FINISH!" thing.

(I did read that overall, men tend to interrupt women far more than they interrupt other men - they did a bunch of behavorial studies on that.) I do see evidence of that in the workplace all the time.

Yeah...I grew up in New Jersey, so...I blame that!

 

[kaytieeldr]

I've tried talking to the one-upper about his behavior and he told me "everyone hates the best".

Proper response: "Ah, that's why do many people like you!"

 

[jt'smom]

Both my husband and son do this and it drives me insane! As a joke one day, I went to the kitchen and got a big wooden spoon and brought it in and said that it would be the "talking spoon" and if you didn't have it, you couldn't speak. It worked really well, and several years later, I still do this when my son is home from college and they are getting on my nerves. I would try it with your friend. If she gets offended, then I'd probably just not choose to spend time with her. If she's a true friend, she will probably laugh and enjoy the joke!

 

[DisneyOma]

Both my husband and son do this and it drives me insane! As a joke one day, I went to the kitchen and got a big wooden spoon and brought it in and said that it would be the "talking spoon" and if you didn't have it, you couldn't speak. It worked really well, and several years later, I still do this when my son is home from college and they are getting on my nerves. I would try it with your friend. If she gets offended, then I'd probably just not choose to spend time with her. If she's a true friend, she will probably laugh and enjoy the joke!

Oh, where that spoon would end up in my house

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG!!!!
The TALKING SPOON....
Love it!

 

[runwad]

Interrupters I can tolerate; non stop talkers on the other hand irritate me. I have two people close to me who just go on and on and on and dominate every conversation, yuck! I try to limit my exposure to these people cause they drive me nuts and I just fantasize in my mind yelling, "Will you just SHUT UP!!"

 

[Lilacs4Me]

My DH and my oldest son are huge interrupters! I often cannot get a single sentence out without them starting to talk. DH does it because he is one of 8 kids, and a twin, in a very loud family of mostly boys. They all talk over each other.

DS17 does it because he has absolutely no self control when it comes to making sure everyone knows exactly what he is thinking every single second. Lol

I love the idea od the talking spoon!! Haha. I'm going to try it.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I'm hoping to get some ideas of how to deal with this tactfully. A friend of mine is a big interrupter. She has always been this way, but I feel like it's getting worse. Either that or I'm just losing patience.
We get together for lunch or dinner about twice a month. She has a lot going on in her life, so our conversations are pretty one-sided. I don't mind listening to her or being a sounding board. However, I've had some tough things going on too, but when I start to talk about them, she interrupts me. Sometimes it's to ask questions, assault-rifle style, before I'm even done talking. "Did you do this? You should do that. Why didn't you say this?" Etc.
Or, she'll interrupt me to say that the same thing happened to her, but worse! And then the conversation gets steered, once again, to her.
I'm not good at being direct, and she's extremely sensitive. I don't know how to bring this up. I wish I could say, "Just let me finish," but I know it will hurt her feelings. I've tried to just continue talking, but it doesn't deter her and we end up talking over each other at the same time. It must seem comical to people around us.
It has gotten to the point where I dread getting together, and I've been finding excuses. She told me that she feels like I never call her or try to make plans, which is true.
Any advice?

Try to do it in a friendly, joking manner like "Damn girl can I get a word in?" And laugh after you say it so that it comes across as friendly fire. If you were to say "just let me finish" with an angry face and raised voice, she probably would be hurt.

 

[gillep]

Ugh, I feel like I can be an interrupter and an over talker to an extent. I used to be very quiet and not speak too much. Then I met my husband and his family, and they are all so loud, and talk over one another at a decibel level that cannot be described. His family had a really hard time with how quiet I was, and read way too much into it. So now I am a much louder person, and I have caught myself too many times interrupting, or talking too much, but I swear I am a good person, and I really care about my friends and loved ones, it just became a survival mechanism with my husband's family.