Dating someone you aren't physically attracted to

[disneychrista]

I have been hanging out with a guy for the past couple months, not really dating per se, just as friends. He is nice guy, he makes me laugh and we have fun when we are together. He has been honest that he would like more but knows that I am not ready to date since my last relationship only ended a few months. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him, "it" just isn't there.

Have you dated someone you are not physically attracted to. Did that ever change? Would you date someone who you are not attracted to?

 

[sonnyjane]

I have been hanging out with a guy for the past couple months, not really dating per se, just as friends. He is nice guy, he makes me laugh and we have fun when we are together. He has been honest that he would like more but knows that I am not ready to date since my last relationship only ended a few months. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him, "it" just isn't there.

Have you dated someone you are not physically attracted to. Did that ever change? Would you date someone who you are not attracted to?

They don’t have to be a model, but I don’t think you can date someone that you’re not at least a bit attracted to. You could go on a few dates, but long term I think it would lead to issues. They’ve done studies on this, and the most successful relationships are with someone within one “level” of your own attractiveness. For example, if you’re a 7 out of 10, you’d do well with a 6,7, or 8.

 

[superme80]

Nope. When I was younger I had a "type". If you didn't fit it, I wouldn't date you. I tried one time and it lasted 2 weeks. My husband is exactly my type.

 

[AustinTink]

I tried that once when I was in college. He was the nicest guy in the world, funny and talented. I just couldn't get past the fact that I wasn't attracted to him physically. We dated for quite a while because I didn't want to believe I could be that shallow. But, apparently I needed the whole package. My husband is the whole package for me.

 

[disneychrista]

That’s where I’m stuck at. It would be so easy, so nice but I’m just not sure I can get over there not being an attraction. I already know I don’t really have a type. I’ve looked at who I’ve dated and they are all very different physically. So it’s not that he doesn’t fit the mold. It’s just that “it” isn’t there.

 

[AustinTink]

That’s where I’m stuck at. It would be so easy, so nice but I’m just not sure I can get over there not being an attraction. I already know I don’t really have a type. I’ve looked at who I’ve dated and they are all very different physically. So it’s not that he doesn’t fit the mold. It’s just that “it” isn’t there.

I almost passed out when i first met my husband. Not like he is some super-hunk or something, it was just that feeling you get. When "it" is there, it hits you. Don't give up on finding "it".

 

[disykat]

I used to give it 3 dates. I was set to give up on my DH but agreed to date 3. I didn't think it was going to happen, but on the 3rd date the spark was there.

Have you gone on stuff that felt datelike or done much flirting? If so, and there's no spark after this much time I'd let it go.

 

[Meglen]

You won't no untill you try. My now husband looked like a 40 year old balding neck beard when I met him.. but now he's super cute and looks his age. Happyness can change a person so maybe give it a shot and see it anything changes while in the relationship zone.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I dunno. When I was in college, there was a guy who was clearly interested in me. The feeling was NOT mutual. He was nice enough, okay looking, but he looked like someone my mother would want me to go out with. But, it was the end of senior year, and you know how there are all those events surrounding graduation--those events were a nice place to have a plus-one, and besides, his parents were throwing him this awesome graduation party. So I figured, even though I wasn't the slightest bit attracted to him, he was pleasant and kind, and he and I could casually date until after graduation.

A few weeks after our first date, I woke up, and literally, it hit me like a thunderbolt--I was an idiot. He was a wonderful guy. We celebrate our 31st anniversary this month.

 

[dish rag]

I would need some attraction. But I know enough that there is more than looks.

 

[mnrose]

Ever watch Married at First Sight? The first year, there was a couple where the woman (Jamie) had NO hint of attraction to her now husband, Doug. She was sobbing on the floor about the worst mistake she'd ever made in her life because there were no butterflies at all. Didn't like him. But, they are still married, and she professes (who really knows?) to be totally and completely in love, and how perfect he is for her. I dunno. That initial "it" factor isn't always there. And, can be very misleading.

I've been married a long time (coming up on 40 years), and I can guarantee that "sparks" (or lack thereof) is not the glue of a marriage. Sparks come and go in my mind. Decency, similar values, "teamwork", etc are all more important. My husband is the best man I know.

My kids ask me sometimes why I married their Dad. My answer is a consistent "because he makes me laugh every day." I've never said "oh, because there was a spark or attraction or whatever." Laughter is the key to a long marriage. Pick the guy who makes you laugh.

 

[a1tinkfans]

My gut says there should be that “wow” factor, a spark , OP I think you said the “it” factor. You just know it.
At the same time.. it’s my belief that “great” intimacy cannot hold a marriage together but good intimacy will not tear it apart.
“It” factor can also mean.. the same core values, kindness, sharing, goals and enjoyments. So, perhaps a few “real” dates wouldn’t hurt ...to see if you actually do connect, but on s different level.
But what do I know.. I met my Amazing dh when we were 15 year old kids.. fast forward 30+ years married. We did in fact have that crazy electric connection.. still feel that way today! Blessed indeed
Best of luck OP

 

[JaxDad]

They don’t have to be a model, but I don’t think you can date someone that you’re not at least a bit attracted to. You could go on a few dates, but long term I think it would lead to issues. They’ve done studies on this, and the most successful relationships are with someone within one “level” of your own attractiveness. For example, if you’re a 7 out of 10, you’d do well with a 6,7, or 8.

This makes it tough for those of us who need to find a 9-11...

 

[Christine]

I think it just depends on people and how they are. Certainly when I was younger, physical attraction was very important. As I got older, I started finding men attractive based on their personalities. Granted, it may have taken a while to have that happen (obviously if personality is factor in attraction, you have to get to know that personality). I've realized as an older woman now that men who may be physically blah actually become attractive to me over time if they are confident, have a good personality and good sense of humor. Their physical appearance does not change, but they do become attractive.

 

[a1tinkfans]

This makes it tough for those of us who need to find a 9-11...

Confidence

 

[JaxDad]

Confidence

Denial

 

[mumto3girls]

This makes it tough for those of us who need to find a 9-11...

This made me LOL and is exactly the kind of thing my DH would say.

 

[Hikergirl]

No, I never dated anyone I wasn't physically attracted too. I was the type of girl who preferred guy friends and there were some I loved as friends but was never attracted to them in a way where I wanted something more out of our relationship.
It is a such a personal thing, for some people I'm sure friendship could grow into physical attraction but for me I had to feel "it" from the start.

 

[Kitty 34]

Just wait 'til that attractive guy is in his 60's thirty some years later!!

 

[LovesTimone]

When I met my husband, I had just been through a nightmare relationship and so had he... and I just wasn't ready to go down that road again if ever, so we were work buddies, hung out after work casually, then we started going out to the movies, bowling, dancing, to the beach, just as friends...he would fix things for me like my dryer, and when my car stranded me on the side of I-4, he came to my rescue. Never any pressure, and he made me laugh, and smile...but most of all he let me be me, no pretense...When his mom was rushed to the hospital I went to him and stayed with him all night... I knew that more was going on with us.. then I wanted to admit at the time... when I had the stomach flu and was so sick.... like to the ER sick and he came over and took care of me... held my hair while I was throwing up and I did not even think about it...it was completely natural feeling. He took care of my daughter as well, ordering pizza for her and him and watching movies that she wanted to watch, ice cream sundaes... Then we had went out with a group of friends one evening and he was dropping me off, and he said its now or never and kissed me... WOW... and we have been together ever since, 17 years....married 15 years in May...

He makes me laugh out loud everyday, still holds my hand, and the kisses are still WOW... He the hardest working person I have ever met, he's kind, and sweet. Confident, Honest and true...I know he there's for me...and I am there for him....We are a team... and he loves Disney....

I did not have that spark when we 1st met...I thought that he was attractive, and had a cute butt... Honestly I could not even tell what a real spark would have looked like at that point... We both had been through a lot with our ex's... so we were friends first...and really got to know each other. So when the rest started it was just a natural part of our relationship and Love for each other.... Honestly we are soul mates...which sounds mushy but its true...

Looking back the first time we had lunch he ate off of my plate, and I did not even think twice about it... Yep still eats off of my plate... says fries taste better on my plate...

The instance sizzle fades what will you be left with when it burns out...the fact that you are thinking about that with him... might be the start of something or not..... don't rush it and be yourself....

Good Luck... sending some pixie dust your way...