Debt Dumpers 2021

[ruadisneyfan2]

Checking in. Still chipping away at the mortgage. It's down to around $51k. I started attacking it last Aug 6 and it was just under $106k then. When I first joined this thread in 2013, I never would have dreamed of being able to dedicate that much $ toward our mortgage. We have grown so much since then. Having the covid numbers increase lately has made it an easy decision to not travel.

My dad was in the hospital for a few days and now is in rehab to get PT and build his strength up. They have very limited visitation so it's kind of a break for us to not have to run around every night. I had been working all day, then visiting him in the hospital til 8-8:30pm, then picking up his mail and newspaper. I'd finally get home at 9pm and collapse after going non-stop from 5:30 am. So now I'll be visiting him twice per week. I was finally able to visit outside with him today and it was a huge relief to hear him say he's happy there and is in no hurry to go home. It's good for him to be around people all day instead of sitting home and grieving for my mom.

He still pays his bills old school by mailing checks so I have taken over handling paying his bills until he gets home. He was also diagnosed with early dementia which we kind of guessed was happening. I balanced his checkbook going over the past 4 months and found that he didn't write down several transactions. Even when he's back home, I will need to help him often. I made new file folder labels for his desk because if it's going to be my job, it has to be neat & organized. After all these years of debt dumping, it has made me very organized! I can't keep track of money when everything is piled up or messy.

He asked me to dump the old milk from his fridge but when I got there Thursday night, I noticed the produce was getting old too and it turned into a huge cleaning and scrubbing job of his whole fridge. I'll go back tomorrow to get the stuff on the door. Lucky for him we had a Friday night wedding to attend so I took Friday off and feel like I have plenty of time to help him this weekend.

Anyway, sorry this turned into kind of a whining session. I feel like I've been neglecting my own house for so long.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and just keep swimming!!


Hugs to all of you going through rough times!

 

[FQLover]

@ruadisneyfan2 It doesn't at all sound like you are whining. Your love for your dad and your desire to be helpful to him now that he isn't doing as well is what I am seeing. He is lucky to have you, and I am sure he knows it. Hugs!

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

@ruadisneyfan2 It doesn't at all sound like you are whining. Your love for your dad and your desire to be helpful to him now that he isn't doing as well is what I am seeing. He is lucky to have you, and I am sure he knows it. Hugs!

Thanks. It’s so hard to watch our parents get old and eventually die. It’s natural, the circle of life and all that, but still hard.

 

[barkley]

I was finally able to visit outside with him today and it was a huge relief to hear him say he's happy there and is in no hurry to go home. It's good for him to be around people all day instead of sitting home and grieving for my mom.

He was also diagnosed with early dementia

not to be too personal but-

if it's financially feasible for your dad-since he's actually happy in the rehab environment such that he's in no hurry to go home, is there any chance he might be willing/consider going into a senior type of living situation where he could continue to have interaction with people ? i'm just thinking back to my mom (she also had early onset dementia) and i was so glad SHE had decided to move into a graduated assisted living (initialy no assistance at all-just meals in the dining room/weekly maid service) while she could still make decisions so we didn't have to go through the struggle and heartache i've known so many to go through at later stages of the disease when their family member's confusion feeds into resistance.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

not to be too personal but-

if it's financially feasible for your dad-since he's actually happy in the rehab environment such that he's in no hurry to go home, is there any chance he might be willing/consider going into a senior type of living situation where he could continue to have interaction with people ? i'm just thinking back to my mom (she also had early onset dementia) and i was so glad SHE had decided to move into a graduated assisted living (initialy no assistance at all-just meals in the dining room/weekly maid service) while she could still make decisions so we didn't have to go through the struggle and heartache i've known so many to go through at later stages of the disease when their family member's confusion feeds into resistance.

We are wondering that too. They have very limited visitation due to covid and so far I've only had one visit (with both siblings) on Saturday. My sister just had her 2nd visit yesterday and I'm going again on Wednesday. We'll see how he feels as time goes on.

 

[imbatman]

When I first joined this thread in 2013, I never would have dreamed of being able to dedicate that much $ toward our mortgage. We have grown so much since then.

Anyway, sorry this turned into kind of a whining session.

It isn't! We all have seasons. Going to suggest something: have him add you onto his bank account as a signer. It'll make it a million times easier to help as the dementia progresses. And anything else you need to help with (power of attorney, medical directives). My mom is taking me to the bank this week to get that done. Each step is hard, removing my dad's name. But Mom had to do this with her own dad and wants to make sure I can help her if she needs it.

This weekend, I helped Mom with a big water leak. AND I finished the carpet edge on the new flooring:



Hoping to get all of the quarter round cut in the evenings this week and install it with my fancy new pneumatic nailer. It's my scary and fun new toy.

 

[pblack]

End of July Update (Removing items that were previously completed):

• Kick out our roommate.....He finally moved out last weekend as I previously posted. We basically forced him to move last weekend (the 24th). Over the last 2 days we've moved the exercise bike into that room and also went to Ikea to buy a chair to put in there. I still want to buy some floating shelves to put on both sides of the window and we need to put up the curtain rod I purchased. All in all though it's shaping up nicely!
• Exercise 4-5 times a week for 30-45 minutes.....Well...this one kind of sucked for July. I worked out very sporadically the first 2 weeks and then not at all the last 2 weeks. That was due to a number of different things. But I am back on the exercise grind as of today. So fingers crossed August will be a better month! I really want to focus on trying to lose some weight before our cruise in January since I know I'll probably end up putting on some weight while we're gone.
• Get a new roof......Roof is done and the solar is also installed. We're just waiting on all the final inspections and what not so that we can actually use the solar. They did not end up upgrading and relocating our panel (so no extra $6000) so yay for that. Hopefully everything will be fully complete in the next 2 weeks.
• Pay as much as I can towards our Camry loan....Paid about $600 extra between DH's July's mid-month check and our checks at the end of July.

We're still plugging along otherwise. Trying to finish up some house projects, adding other projects to the list, and finally enjoying the house without having to worry about a roommate.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

It isn't! We all have seasons. Going to suggest something: have him add you onto his bank account as a signer. It'll make it a million times easier to help as the dementia progresses. And anything else you need to help with (power of attorney, medical directives). My mom is taking me to the bank this week to get that done. Each step is hard, removing my dad's name. But Mom had to do this with her own dad and wants to make sure I can help her if she needs it.

This weekend, I helped Mom with a big water leak. AND I finished the carpet edge on the new flooring:
View attachment 593998
View attachment 593999

Hoping to get all of the quarter round cut in the evenings this week and install it with my fancy new pneumatic nailer. It's my scary and fun new toy.

Love your floor!

My sister has been trying to convince him to do that for years. I think this is the wake up call he needed. He was listed on his own mother’s account after his dad died so you would think it would be easy for him to understand.

 

[jen7233]

Thanks. It’s so hard to watch our parents get old and eventually die. It’s natural, the circle of life and all that, but still hard.

Yes, this is so true. I was so unprepared for it, the dementia hit me sideways the first time my mother said angrily who are you in a late afternoon and kept saying it, I felt like the floor ripped out from under me. And with dementia/Alzheimer's, it's a loss before the loss.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Yes, this is so true. I was so unprepared for it, the dementia hit me sideways the first time my mother said angrily who are you in a late afternoon and kept saying it, I felt like the floor ripped out from under me. And with dementia/Alzheimer's, it's a loss before the loss.

Yes. My dad is not at that point yet but future is unknown. Our one child care provider, for ds24 when he was a baby and preschooler, was in her 50’s and told me how her mom packed 7 brown bag lunches and told her to hurry or she’ll miss her school bus. Her exact words were “It’s like I’ve already lost her.” So heartbreaking, I cannot even imagine.
He knows who we all are but forgot that ds21 attended welding school and got a good job. He asked him if he is still working at the gas station. That kind of stuff.
For now he is forgetting to pay bills on time and forgetting to enter auto debits and direct deposits in his checkbook. Anyone could do that but it’s the frequency that worries us and we know how meticulous he was with record keeping due to having a degree in accounting.
He jokes that he has CRS but we know it’s more than that.

 

[imbatman]

Love your floor!

My sister has been trying to convince him to do that for years. I think this is the wake up call he needed. He was listed on his own mother’s account after his dad died so you would think it would be easy for him to understand.

I love my floor too! I also love ibuprofen today.

Yes, this is so true. I was so unprepared for it, the dementia hit me sideways the first time my mother said angrily who are you in a late afternoon and kept saying it, I felt like the floor ripped out from under me. And with dementia/Alzheimer's, it's a loss before the loss.

We believe my dad had a stroke before he passed. On Monday, he was fine. By Saturday, he didn't know our names. It was so sudden and we all felt exactly what you said: the floor ripped out from under us. The day he physically fought my mom and I was the worst, but I know it wasn't him. But we all had teeny gifts in that last week, where he called us a nickname or something. Mine was when I physically had to hold him up and move him side to side for my mom to change him. Dad started humming in my ear and I said we were dancing again. He said, "Yup, yup, yup..." his last words to me. That was my dad for me one last time. Even when it's expected, it's not.

Though this is a budget board, and it's expensive, if you don't have a trust set up, it is a wonderful thing to have. The only trouble my mom had after my dad passed was with her Chevron card. They'd been customers for over 40 years and told her they'd have to cancel it because he was the primary card holder. So she decided never to use them again.

 

[barkley]

Though this is a budget board, and it's expensive, if you don't have a trust set up, it is a wonderful thing to have.

2 caveats on this-

1. make sure a trust is the best way to go in the state you live. dh and i were fully prepared to set one up when we went to our elder law to do our estate planning b/c that was always THE best route to go in california. found out there are better ways to handle things in our now home state and it depends on marital status and stage of life.

2. make sure to use an attorney who specializes in elder law when doing a trust or other estate planning. i say this b/c a trust that is drawn up without accurate knowledge of CURRENT social security, medicare and medicaid laws can create a nightmare of ineligibility to the vital programs and resources both the elderly and their caretakers may desperately need. i saw firsthand when i supervised a medicaid unit how trusts done by unskilled attorneys or at those weekend 'come for a free lunch and learn about wills and trusts' seminars created lifetime ineligibility for disabled elderly individuals as well their spouses that greatly negatively impacted their care/quality of life (as well as their caretakers).

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

What does a trust do? My in-laws and mother only had a will and it was never an issue.

 

[imbatman]

@ruadisneyfan2 in California, wills can be contested and also aren't enough to circumvent probate. Our trust has a "no contest" clause, which means that if a person/party contests what they are given, then they get nothing (it all gets divided to the other people). My DH and I have gone through a couple of heinous circumstances after family died. He had his inheritance taken by the executor and put into their own 401(k) with the promise that he'd be named as the beneficiary. It wasn't about the money, it was that his dad's wishes weren't followed. In CA, a trust can make money distribution legal.

But @barkley does have the wonderful caveats of using the right lawyer and making sure it's necessary. While I don't think our executor would EVER mess with the way we want our trust distributed, after living through a nightmare of watching DH's dad's plans be dismissed, this was the only way for us to make sure it didn't happen again.

 

[crazycatstacy]

Had our weekend "camping" trip with husband's family. It was fine and we stayed under budget. Talked about making it a yearly thing so we will see how that pans out.

We got married on the 4th of July (years ago) and my wedding ring is red/white/blue and my husband initially got just a white gold band. He was having issues with it at work and was worried about something happening to his finger so he quit wearing that and started wearing a black silicone ring. We found a red/white/blue silicone ring that he wears from June to August. Last week I found silicone Disney rings! Bought us each one so we can wear those in Disney. Not really as an anti-theft measure but more so just because I like to be themed and coordinating in Disney LOL.

We were going to go to our friends out of town over Labor Day weekend, however; my husband's schedule got changed and we decided to cancel rather than have him take vacation time. We decided it would probably be best to save the money and we are still waiting on an appraisal so we can close on the purchase of our home.

I really want to buy a bunch of holiday decor from Pottery Barn Kids but I am telling myself no.

 

[imbatman]

Last week I found silicone Disney rings!

YOU are a lifesaver! DH asked for us to buy new rings. His broke years ago. I don't want new rings because mine are family rings (we were soooo poor when we got married, we used what we had). I'm going to buy a set of these for our anniversary in December. THANK YOU!!!

 

[jen7233]

What does a trust do? My in-laws and mother only had a will and it was never an issue.

Certainly for the legal field for a professional answer for the most correct factual advice. But here's my opinion: I have read it can help with not having things tied up in probate. Basically the will has to be found legal. Some things don't have to pass through probate anyway.

 

[barkley]

@ruadisneyfan2 in California, wills can be contested and also aren't enough to circumvent probate. Our trust has a "no contest" clause, which means that if a person/party contests what they are given, then they get nothing (it all gets divided to the other people). My DH and I have gone through a couple of heinous circumstances after family died. He had his inheritance taken by the executor and put into their own 401(k) with the promise that he'd be named as the beneficiary. It wasn't about the money, it was that his dad's wishes weren't followed. In CA, a trust can make money distribution legal.

But @barkley does have the wonderful caveats of using the right lawyer and making sure it's necessary. While I don't think our executor would EVER mess with the way we want our trust distributed, after living through a nightmare of watching DH's dad's plans be dismissed, this was the only way for us to make sure it didn't happen again.

trusts are also a major benefit if one of your beneficiaries has special needs/is disabled. a well structured trust can for decades after your death incrementally feed the legally allowable amount into the different types of special needs trusts states offer to benefit someone but not endanger the state and federal benefits or services they receive (it was heartbreaking to see someone with a severe disability have a family member with the best intentions remember them in a will but the remembrance ended up making them ineligible to medicaid for months and months resulting in uncovered medical expenses that far exceeded the bequest). a trust can also help you in your later years by being a vehicle that holds your assets but feeds designated amounts into a shared bank account an adult child or trusted other uses to pay your expenses.

one of the sticking points with a trust-if you set one up for goodness sake keep on the path to keep everything you want in it-in it. my mom did one but she was always chasing the best interest rates on cd's so she got lazy and would open them in her name/the family member's name who helped her with banking vs in her name alone or the name of the trust. if the family member hadn't unexpectedly predeceased her everything would have been his and none of the expressed wishes of her trust may have been followed (and i know this would have happened by virtue of the nature of the person).

 

[crazycatstacy]

YOU are a lifesaver! DH asked for us to buy new rings. His broke years ago. I don't want new rings because mine are family rings (we were soooo poor when we got married, we used what we had). I'm going to buy a set of these for our anniversary in December. THANK YOU!!!

I ordered them last week and they are out for delivery today! Super excited to see what they look like

 

[Tygerlilly]

I really want to buy a bunch of holiday decor from Pottery Barn Kids but I am telling myself no.

Pottery Barn kids/teen is evil. Why does it have to be so cute and so expensive?