Divorce/Separation

[disneychrista]

I knew my "marriage" was over because he wanted to be anywhere but home with me (pregnant at the time) and our daughter. When we was home he was sleeping. He was gone so often us splitting up didn't really change much for me, as I was pretty much alone already.

 

[disneymom1971]

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone’s thoughts, experiences and advice. When I started going to the gym in January, I was at such a low point. My self esteem was non existent and I was lost. Since January, I have lost almost 100 pounds and I’m almost to my goal weight. This process has made me realize how much his depression was affecting me. It took me 52 years to realize that I could only control my own happiness and that has been life changing. I appreciate that others echoed that sentiment.

I am going to look for a therapist. It never occurred to me to go that route. My husband does have a doctor that he goes to regularly to manage his meds. I’ve asked repeatedly to go with him but he doesn’t want me to go. Our children will be home for Thanksgiving but this weekend after they leave, I’m going to sit down with him to talk. He’s been inpatient before and to be honest, I can’t see him doing that again. He’s had so many different meds that I’ve lost count as well as electric shock therapy..I think that’s what it’s called.

It has been such a long road and I’m just so tired of it all. I don’t know if I can say I’ve checked out but I’m headed in that direction if there’s no change on his end or that he’s at least trying. Again I appreciate everyone’s responses.

 

[mikehn]

Divorce is a very difficult decision. I've been several years now and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I don't regret anything in my marriage. You just move from one chapter to another. And the chapters keep getting better and better.

 

[Christine]

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone’s thoughts, experiences and advice. When I started going to the gym in January, I was at such a low point. My self esteem was non existent and I was lost. Since January, I have lost almost 100 pounds and I’m almost to my goal weight. This process has made me realize how much his depression was affecting me. It took me 52 years to realize that I could only control my own happiness and that has been life changing. I appreciate that others echoed that sentiment.

I am going to look for a therapist. It never occurred to me to go that route. My husband does have a doctor that he goes to regularly to manage his meds. I’ve asked repeatedly to go with him but he doesn’t want me to go. Our children will be home for Thanksgiving but this weekend after they leave, I’m going to sit down with him to talk. He’s been inpatient before and to be honest, I can’t see him doing that again. He’s had so many different meds that I’ve lost count as well as electric shock therapy..I think that’s what it’s called.

It has been such a long road and I’m just so tired of it all. I don’t know if I can say I’ve checked out but I’m headed in that direction if there’s no change on his end or that he’s at least trying. Again I appreciate everyone’s responses.

Wow! Amazing. When you feel up to it, come back here and start a thread on your gym and weight loss journey. I'd love to hear it.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I have been there too... not as long as you have invested but quite a while (16 years). In fact I think I asking the same question about knowing when it is over.

I think one indication that things are headed that direction would be when your hopes and aspirations no longer include him. You also find that you dread spending time with him, and the time you spend together is the low point of your week. My ex struggled w/depression, health issues and addiction. Without revisiting the chain of events, I know I stayed around a lot longer than I should have.

I know that it took me a few attempts to finally make the break and it took a couple years to actually make it permanent. I went so far as to pay to have divorce papers drawn up but never using them. Eventually I did end up getting new papers, and he did sign them, and eventually we did split.

My advice to you if you are considering this is to "get your ducks in a row".

1. Make sure you have a place to go.
2. Make sure you can pay your bills.
3. Make sure you get anything out of the house that you want before you leave.
4. Make sure you plan for your own safety.

 

[nancipants]

My ex-husband told me he didn't want kids after we'd been married over two years. That was the beginning of the end. I eventually realized that even if he changed his mind, I no longer wanted to be married to him, nor did I want to have kids with him. I've been married to my current husband for 10 years and we have a wonderful son. Getting divorced was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but also one of the best.

 

[slo]

@disneymom1971 - I’m very sorry to hear you are going through this . You’ve taken a good step with taking care of yourself by going to the gym to release some stress.I don’t have any advice that I can give, since I’ve never been in a similar situation. I do know that if I was in your situation, that I would tell my DH that he needs to see a therapist and I‘d be happy to go with him, even if that meant just me sitting in the waiting room. Your DH probably needs a medication change and/or dosage change.

I will keep you in my prayers

 

[Scootin'By]

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to let you know that someone else was reading this and here for you.

I am going through some of the same questions that you and others have brought up with my own therapist. It's slow going but I'm making progress.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. You’re getting a lot of good advice here. I’ll just say this…I couldn’t do it. It sounds like your entire 27 year marriage was a difficult one to endure. You need a therapist for sure. The question I’d ask myself in your shoes….is do you want to stay with him if his depression improves to a certain degree?. Depression is a disease…and anger is a part of it. However personality is at play as well. Think of a time when your husband’s depression was the least present…do you want to spend the next 30 years with that person?

I’m just four years older than you…married for 25 years, together for 28. We have no children, but still, like you we’re looking ahead to what will essentially be the final third of our lives. If I didn’t have a partner who was emotionally available, engaged in our relationship and enthusiastic about our future plans I too would seriously question what the future looks like. I wish you the best of luck in finding those answers.

 

[Miffy]

OP -- I've been divorced. Twice, actually. The first was someone I married when I was quite young. It was basically inevitable that it wouldn't work out. But he had severe depression problems--he was bipolar--and it was way more than I could deal with in my early 20s.

The second was a guy I was with for 20 years. Since this breakup has nothing to do with your situation, I'll leave it at that.

I'm remarried. Our 12th anniversary is coming up. He's the right guy for me and we sometimes fantasize a little about how different our lives would've been if we'd met each other when we were younger. But, never mind. We'd be ourselves now anyway.

The only advice I can give you is this: Even though you probably feel responsible for your DH, your first responsibility is to yourself. Take care of yourself. You're already taking steps in that direction. Keep going.

Life is unbelievably short. Err on the side of your own happiness.

Sending you empathy and love from across the internet.

 

[Kimkimba]

I want to say how proud I am of you for going to the gym and taking care of yourself. That’s a huge accomplishment!

I’ve been divorced twice when I was young. They were just terrible marriages that should have never happened. The first divorce was ugly. Second one was easy. I just knew I couldn’t live like I was living.

I’m 57 and been married for 26 years to my 3rd husband.

You need to take care of you. If he isn’t willing to meet you halfway (for example, letting you go to the doctor with him), then there’s not much you can do for your marriage.

Hugs for you.

 

[goofyernmost]

It's hard to leave when the person you are leaving is sick. Make no mistake about it, mental illness is a sickness and one that requires a lot of time, energy and skill to negotiate to get through and/or out of. However, your unhappiness, which eventually turns into anger and your own depression needs to end and a better path looked for.

For me it was to just not marry again. I have dated a lot and made really good friends that I still talk to today, but no discussion has ever led to talk about marriage. My judgement was bad with the first one and there is a better than even chance that I would make the same mistake again. Others don't feel that way, but all of us are different and that is how I have felt for the last 23 years. I am much happier by myself with occasional companionship for movies, meals, travel and concerts. Especially fake Beatles Bands. They are incredibly good.

 

[WDWEPCOT]

I’ve been on your shoes for 40 years I can speak on this topic night and day
You need to think about YOU and your well being FIRST and foremost- YOU are NOT in anyway responsible for your DH no matter what he has going on - he is negatively impacting your well being it’s time to go - BUT it is a decision that only you can make
And you can only make it when you were ready to make it everyone is different when it comes to everyone at a different point in time please don’t let it come to you when it’s too late for your health and well-being
But please don’t ever feel that you were responsible or that you need to take care of someone else because they have a mental illness you have provided them with everything they need to deal with their mental illness there is nothing more that you can do when it starts infringing upon you and your peace your health and I mean your mental health along with your health and your well-being your state of mind it really is time for you to walk away
You have to think about yourself and trust me I know how hard this is because again I’ve been there I didn’t have one I had three because I had kids and they had it too
And I would strongly urge for you to have a therapist for you and only you
I wish you all the luck in the world I hope you find peace and happiness

 

[disneymom1971]

Thanks again everyone for your thoughtful replies. In reading the posts, I do feel guilty even contemplating separation..for how it will effect my husband, my children, my father in law (who I’m extremely close to) and I guess myself too. On the flip side, I like the person I’m becoming..going to the gym and the weight loss has been such a re-set for me. I feel lighter (mentally and physically..lol!!) I have confidence and I can see a way forward that I never could have imagined before. I do realize that he has an illness and that’s the tough issue but the poster that mentioned a slow drowning is exactly right. I’ve been drowning for years and I didn’t even know it.

 

[disneymom1971]

I finally had a long talk with DH on Saturday. He has said he will work on staying awake on the weekend so that we can spend time together. I don't know how I feel..on Sunday he slept all day. I don't know when his next doctor's appointment for his depression is because I tend to find out about them after he's already gone. I do have an appointment on Wednesday with a therapist who can hopefully help me start to unpack my feelings. I just still feel so down about all of this. When the kids were home, we put the Christmas tree up and all I could think about was the situation with DH.

I'm three pounds away from having lost 100 pounds since January so I am focused on completing that by the end of the year. For the poster who asked what I had done to lose weight..I gave up Coke Zero and only drink water (Almond Milk at breakfast), I track EVERY calorie. I stay between 1200 and 1300 calories per day depending on what's going on. My focus is on protein because I want to build muscle and lose fat. I also do 30 minutes of yoga in the morning and I go to the gym every day. I do an hour on the elliptical where I alternate going as fast as I can for a minute and then slow down to rest for a minute. I then do 35 minutes on the treadmill gaining speed with time. Once a week I circuit/strength train with a personal trainer. I know that not everyone has the kind of time to exercise this way but for my sanity it has worked.

 

[Debbie Jean]

Good luck with your therapy appointment… hopefully you make a good connection and can start sorting through your feelings and path forward.

Congratulations on your journey to renewed health! This happened because YOU took charge and did it… even when you feel the weight of the challenges to come, remember to celebrate the inner strength you have already shown!

 

[GAN]

I finally had a long talk with DH on Saturday. He has said he will work on staying awake on the weekend so that we can spend time together. I don't know how I feel..on Sunday he slept all day. I don't know when his next doctor's appointment for his depression is because I tend to find out about them after he's already gone. I do have an appointment on Wednesday with a therapist who can hopefully help me start to unpack my feelings. I just still feel so down about all of this. When the kids were home, we put the Christmas tree up and all I could think about was the situation with DH.

I'm three pounds away from having lost 100 pounds since January so I am focused on completing that by the end of the year. For the poster who asked what I had done to lose weight..I gave up Coke Zero and only drink water (Almond Milk at breakfast), I track EVERY calorie. I stay between 1200 and 1300 calories per day depending on what's going on. My focus is on protein because I want to build muscle and lose fat. I also do 30 minutes of yoga in the morning and I go to the gym every day. I do an hour on the elliptical where I alternate going as fast as I can for a minute and then slow down to rest for a minute. I then do 35 minutes on the treadmill gaining speed with time. Once a week I circuit/strength train with a personal trainer. I know that not everyone has the kind of time to exercise this way but for my sanity it has worked.

Trust me, I'm sure any of us who have been in similar relationship situations have felt the same -it's extremely hard to remove what you're feeling from your mind and focus on activities you're supposed to be cherishing. I've been there. Hope it all works out -and it will..

Congrats on your weight loss -I have to admit I have a thing for Coke Zero myself! Sounds like you have quite a good workout routine ...have you tried the 12-3-30 workout on the treadmill? That's a challenge! Best of luck in 2024!

 

[PollyannaMom]

I have not been through this myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt:

1) A lot for me would depend on if he wants help. - If he's willing to try couples therapy, changing his meds, exploring alternative explanations or treatments, I would feel more like it was "us against the disease" than "me against him".

2) Based on others' experiences, a divorce does not just effect a couple, it effects a family, so if I were in your position, I would consider talking to my adult children before making up my mind. (But you know them and I don't, so again - grain of salt!) You may find they wonder why it's taken so long and totally support you leaving, or that they're shocked enough to take some of the weight off you and participate in helping him.

3) I definitely second a therapist for yourself. Plus scheduling some things to do with friends so you're not relying solely on your DH for things to look forward to on the weekends. Your weight loss and new exercise habits are worthy of congratulations and something to be proud of! But it can also be really hard/lonely when you've recently made a lot of progress and someone around you hasn't. (And probably hard for him too - I expect he wants to be super excited for you, but is sadly a little jealous because his depression hasn't allowed him to have the same success.) - Neither of you should feel guilty about that: even good change is uncomfortable in ways.

I hope it all works out for you, whatever you decide!

 

[Karin1984]

My parents separated in 2004 (alcoholism and related issues played a part), my mom wasn't ready to divorce till 2014. We walked on eggshells around my father and it is tiresome. It makes total sense you are exhausted.

Separating was the best thing my mom could do.
And to add: she didn't get separated because she didn't love my dad anymore. There was just no other way forward.
Me and my brother were adults as well, and we wanted my mom to be happy. Seeing my mother cry over her marriage and my father is one of the saddest things I have ever seen and a memory I cannot forget.

I wouldn't do marriage counselling. He's probably too far gone at this moment to think about you. He first has to solve his own issues, and only then he can look at you and your marriage again. Not before.
But if he always had these depressions for over 28 years, and nothing seems to help, why would it help now?

Go for the separation first, you can always divorce later. It will take you a few years (at least) to find yourself again as well. You will not find happiness within yourself immediately. But it will come.

Choose you. You deserve to live a happy life as well. Do not cancel out yourself and make it all about your husband's illness.

Yes, of course we are brought up that it is 'In sickness and in health', but anyone who has lived with mental illnesses like this knows there are limits and you have to think about yourself as well. This is not giving up. This is moving forward.

 

[SpaceMan5]

@disneymom1971 Congrats on your weight loss! Exercise is some of the best medicine for ones mind, body and soul.

Awesome news about your upcoming appt. I am pretty sure that will be an extremely freeing moment for you.

As @PollyannaMom stated and others as well - It really depends if he wants help

I speak from my own experience. My depression was the result of losing my Dad in a car crash when I was 15. While not as severe as your husbands depression, mine kept me from being truly happy. I made a commitment to myself first that I wanted to change, that I deserved to be happy, and to do that I needed to seek out a therapist which I did. As guys, we tend to think that we don't need help or it will pass, wrong.

Lots of great ppl here but you knew that already.