Do you think "I'm going on a diet next week" is a valid excuse?

[Scurvy]

Sorry but you are wrong, You can attack me all you like, but you really have no idea what you are talking about.

I'm sorry, I swear I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I also got the impression that you were just looking for an excuse to complain about your sister in law and that no answer would have been what you wanted to hear. I understand that you apparently don't feel that way. But I have to ask - why did you ask if her excuse was a valid one, when you weren't going to consider that it might be if almost everyone in the thread thought it was? You seem annoyed that people think she did nothing wrong by declining that way, and you are obviously convinced that she lied and nothing is going to change your mind. So why even bother asking?

 

[Couchy]

I have declined to go out to eat or to a party when I was trying to lose weight. I am not good with temptation and usually give in, so I just opt out

 

[ebtbmom]

Listen carefully OP I'm about to change your life. This is my favorite Dr Philism "the only person you can control is you".

You were there for your mom, you can't control what others do. This SIL is totally controllIng you and you're letting her. MInd your own business, do what you think is right and let it go. You listed like 1,000,000 evil things she has done, why did you even invite her?

 

[msjprincess]

I don't get it. You ask if people think it's a valid excuse. Then when people say they think it is valid you tell them why they are wrong. Why even ask?

 

[Allison]

I'm sorry, I swear I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I also got the impression that you were just looking for an excuse to complain about your sister in law and that no answer would have been what you wanted to hear. I understand that you apparently don't feel that way. But I have to ask - why did you ask if her excuse was a valid one, when you weren't going to consider that it might be if almost everyone in the thread thought it was? You seem annoyed that people think she did nothing wrong by declining that way, and you are obviously convinced that she lied and nothing is going to change your mind. So why even bother asking?

I do not understand why the question was asked either because there seemed to be no willingness to consider any responses that were not in line with the op's thoughts.

 

[dzorn]

A little family drama here, so some outside perspective would be appreciated. I invited my sister-in-laws to a bday celebration for my Mom who is going to be 70 this year, She recently suffered a heart attack this past June and we are lucky she is still with us. My Mom lives alone and doesn't have a lot of friends or family other than myself, Dh and our ds and dd. I mentioned having her celebration at a favorite tearoom, with a fairly varied menu which includes salad and soup. My one sister in law answers me by e-mail saying her and her husband are starting a diet after next week and she can't make it.

That was it. No other explanation. So I answered," if you don't want to come all you had to say is you don't want to come." To which she denied and said she just wants to lose weight.

My response was that I didn't know anyone who refused to come to an event because of a diet and that was a random excuse boy, did the crap hit the fan.


She then said her and her husband are spending a lot of money to go on this diet and that I have an attitude .

Some more back story: Sister-in-law has tried every fad diet there is and is always on some kind of diet and blows a ton of money and is never successful. 2 years ago we were suppose to start a diet together, well I did and I did an entire lifestyle change with my eating habits and I started to walk at least 3-4 miles every day. I lost 75lbs and have kept it off. Sister in law is jealous and has been aloof with me for quite sometime now.


Back to the correspondence, I replied by saying she should have explained herself and by just saying she is going on a diet, it came across as dismissive and rude and that honestly, she is always on a diet. I explained about it being her 70th bday and her recent health issues(which she already knew) and that I just wanted them to come because it was important to me.


well, apparently, in her opinion, I am acting like a victim and am a mean spiteful person because I wasn't supporting her in her weight loss, because everyone can't lose weight as easily as I did. Wow. I actually have struggled with my weight my entire life. As a teenager I dealt with an eating disorder and have always kind of yo yoed throughout my adult life.



She has totally twisted this whole thing around and accused me of "stealing her joy"( She is also a born again christian).

Anyway, sorry this is so long, but wow, I am just at a loss. help!?

They maybe doing medical weight loss which is very restrictive.

Denise in MI

 

[Rylee]

OP, I think you are hurt and that's why you are picking away at her reason for not attending.

I do think your SIL could have accepted your invitation. She could eat something diet friendly before coming to the party, extended birthday and well wishes to your Mom and stay for a short while. However, the point you are missing, or refuse to acknowledge, is... when you extend an invitation, you are not entitled to a reason when someone declines. They do not have to offer you a reason for declining, BUT, if they do... it is never proper to question their reason or but pressure on them to change their mind.

You mentioned how involved you were in the care of HER mother, (your husband's mother) so I can understand why you might feel it wouldn't hurt her to drop by your mother's party, especially if you think it would mean something to your mother. However, since she declined, you have to accept, first... she is not coming to the party, (regardless of her reason) and also, you may need to accept that quite possibly, she feels no loyalty to you for all the help you gave to her and her mother in their time of need, or doesn't make any correlation between the two because she simply viewed your actions as a responsibility as her mother's DIL. At this point, I would just be glad to know where I stand with her.

 

[BlovesC]

I don't get it. You ask if people think it's a valid excuse. Then when people say they think it is valid you tell them why they are wrong. Why even ask?

Sounds like half the threads on the community board! They always seem to play out this way...OP comes in venting and seeking validation, posters respond with reasoning and logic, OP gets upset that we aren't mindlessly placating them...I'm thinking private diaries might be a better fit for many folks than creating threads on discussion forums.

 

[crashbb]

I don't get it. You ask if people think it's a valid excuse. Then when people say they think it is valid you tell them why they are wrong. Why even ask?

Because we were all supposed to tell the OP how evil the SIL is and how much of a victim the OP is. She wasn't looking for an outside perspective, she was looking for outside validation.

 

[Maggie Lizer]

I agree with you. It is the OP's mother's birthday.

I wouldn't go to my SIL's (my husband's brothers wives) mother's birthday. There's absolutely no relation and no obligation on the SIL's part.

MTE. I wouldn't go to my BIL's (DH's sister's husband's) mother's birthday. I saw her once, and DH's sister's wedding, and that is it. I don't even think we had a conversation, and I don't think DH did, either). In fact, I would think it was really, really weird if my SIL invited us to such a luncheon. It would seem like a gift-grab invite to me.

 

[NikitaZee]

OP you have to change your perspective. You are not owed a 'truthful' reason for a decline of an invitation.
I used to think like you. Don't bother giving me a lame excuse for turning down an invitation. Just say no, or tell me the truth - don't insult me with a made-up excuse when I know better. I would also question like you did.
My mom straightened me out one time that I did this - she told me it was rude - 'boorish' was the word she used - to question someone's reason for declining. She was absolutey right and it's some of the best advice she's given me. If you think it's a lie - even if you KNOW it's a lie - it's extremely ungracious of you to question it or press it further. No matter what else you know about your SIL, no matter how many events she attended or didn't attend over 25 years - you SHOULD NOT question her regrets - even if it seems made-up to you. I hope that from here on out you don't.

 

[goofy4tink]

You put the invitation out there, it was refused...doesn't matter whether or not you feel it's a good enough reason. You should have let it go.

 

[Jcricket Fan]

OP, through your own description your SIL is selfish and has been for the 25 years that you have known her. What would make you think she would be different in this case? You are expecting a different outcome based on what history?

I don't find SIL's response of not coming to the party to be a problem. You asked, she declined and you continued in your responses to her to keep the issue spinning even though you knew her to be unconcerned with others and previous experience with her has shown her not to be the person you would have hoped her to be.

I think a greater issue to focus on is not that she said no because she was dieting but why are you so upset over an answer given to you by someone you already believe to be selfish? You are taking precious life time to try to prove that this woman isn't what you want her to be.

The truth of life is that there are people we wish were different but who may never be and they certainly may never be what we believe they should be.

I hope you find a way to enjoy the people who did accept the invitation to come to your mom's party and leave this issue with SIL to the side. There will be plenty of time at a later date to continue with the cycle you and your SIL have been a part if that's what you choose.

Peace.
Colleen

 

[crashbb]

MTE. I wouldn't go to my BIL's (DH's sister's husband's) mother's birthday. I saw her once, and DH's sister's wedding, and that is it. I don't even think we had a conversation, and I don't think DH did, either). In fact, I would think it was really, really weird if my SIL invited us to such a luncheon. It would seem like a gift-grab invite to me.

That bit I don't find so weird. I see my brother's in laws once or twice a year (at birthday parties for my niece and nephew), but I spent Christmas Day with them this year (my family celebrated early and my friends and I celebrated late, my SIL knew I had no plans for Christmas Day and invited me to join them). My SIL keeps me informed about how they are doing and clearly does the same for them about me (e.g. my nephew's birthday party was a month after I defended my PhD and they all made a point of coming over and congratulating me at the birthday - I didn't mention it to them, they had been told by my SIL).

On the other hand, she (my SIL) would never question any excuse I made for not being able to attend any of their events to which I was invited.

 

[Swan4Me]

Because we were all supposed to tell the OP how evil the SIL is and how much of a victim the OP is. She wasn't looking for an outside perspective, she was looking for outside validation.

But I DO feel for the OP
I also started a thread about my nutsy SIL and our Estate sale-and was ripped apart when i mentioned someone's being overweight in the thread-OMG, whatever.
Face it, YOU know the back story about your SIL and , like me, it would take a novel sized post to accurately portray someone who is nuts, crazy, looney-whatever.

Venting here is good- that way our real life friends and relatives dont have to listen to it

 

[crashbb]

But I DO feel for the OP
I also started a thread about my nutsy SIL and our Estate sale-and was ripped apart when i mentioned someone's being overweight in the thread-OMG, whatever.
Face it, YOU know the back story about your SIL and , like me, it would take a novel sized post to accurately portray someone who is nuts, crazy, looney-whatever.

Venting here is good- that way our real life friends and relatives dont have to listen to it

Then vent. The OP specifically said that she was looking for an outside perspective - clearly she wasn't.

 

[Magic Mom]

I think your response to her was out of line when you questioned her reason for declining. Yes, it is a valid excuse and it sounds like she was right when she said you had an attitude.

 

[cabanafrau]

I do not understand why the question was asked either because there seemed to be no willingness to consider any responses that were not in line with the op's thoughts.

Which is exactly what I suspect the SIL must be up against . . . time after time after time. I don't think the excuse is a lie. Sounds to me like someone who straight up told the bald faced truth because she realizes she can't win -- and then got pounced on for it, which she probably knew she would.

Why do I think the SIL knew if she came & attempted to stick to her new eating habits someone might call attention to it, question her choice or possibly make some subtle? references to the diet they both tried & only one got results with.

 

[wvjules]

I bet next time she's invited to something by the OP, she's "washing her hair".

 

[lizabu]

Really,I know this. Why the hostility? The obvious bs excuse she felt she needed to give me upset me. Just be honest and I wouldn't have a problem. I really would have been fine if she had said she couldn't make it. I wasn't expecting everyone to say yes. This Sister in law by the way is extremely selfish and into herself. She was invited to my dd's HS graduation (she is dd's god mother) and didn't come (which is ok not a problem, it was her birthday) but she calls my DH during the ceremony because he didn't call her to wish her a Happy Birthday and was angry because he wouldn't talk to her, She consistently doesn't show up to important family events, but expects everyone else to come to hers.

My DH's Mom passed away 6 yrs ago. She was hospitalized 2 yrs before she passed and DH and I were at the hospital twice a week to help her and visit, all the sisters were and DH and I alternated so someone was always there with her.


For the poster who asked why I added the born again Christian comment, it was just because she accused me of stealing her " joy" .

Maybe she was lying maybe not. You said you would like an honest answer about why she wasn't coming. What if it was also an answer you don't like? Maybe she just didn't want to go. Maybe she doesn't like your family. Who knows? She's a grownup and doesn't have to go to every party she's invited to. I probably wouldn't go to my sister in law or brother in laws mothers party unless it was something like 100th and it was going to be a big party like people do sometimes with an open bar etc. Just a regular meal in a restaurant I would probably turn it down too. Don't let your feeling get hurt. You were good to her Mother when she was in the hospital but if you weren't married to her son would you have still gone to the hospital? You're comparing apples and oranges. She doesn't owe you or your Mother because you were kind to your own Mother in law.