Hi all! I'm so excited to find this very supportive group, right when I'm jumping back on the fitness wagon!
It's been so interesting, and encouraging --and I'm totally commiserating!-- as I've been reading other people's introductory posts here. Changes in our body shape affect us so deeply-- even though I "know better", I'm very aware that how "good" I look is very tied to my self-esteem. I can't seem to think my way out of that one-- although it's something I know I need to get a better handle on, and not have my self-worth be so tied to looks-- I'm at that age where we're forced to deal with the issue.
I'm a 44-year-old woman (how did THAT happen?), and I've also done some roller coastering up and down the scale.
Like so many others have mentioned in their introductions, I've sometimes responded to difficult periods of life with emotional eating, and my negative self-judgement also comes out in many forms of self-neglect, e.g. not exercising, eating unhealthiiy, social withdrawal, accepting and staying in stressful/unhealthy work situations and relationships...and the shame and pain just builds. It's a tough spiral to break out of!
I've been 70 pounds overweight (early 30s), then rail-thin (mid-late 30s), then a little overweight, then after 40, very thin, then firmly chubby, then thin again, then overweight again (now). Wow-- it's disturbing to lay it out like that. Pretty extreme-sounding. Some very disordered eating in there, for sure, on both ends of the spectrum. Well-- part of helping myself with this is being willing to look at it honestly, right?
I loved what a PP said, about coming to a point where she's trying to take responsibility for her fate, not feel like a victim, and changing the crappy job and many other things. I so hear that! I've just swung back into that mode, myself. Just broke off a year-long relationship, work is very stressful, my health is noticeably suffering, and I'd just hit "that point" of misery. Time for change!
Looking back (it's an interesting exercise to write this!), I'd say this is also part of my pattern-- I've gone from periods of weight gain and attendant self-loathing, to hitting some breaking point where some way or another I find the motivation to make a shift into self-actualization, and make healthy changes in diet, exercise, socializing, etc. Then I get complacent (I seriously am befuddled by the repeat delusion I've had, where I really think that previous weight gains were "just a fluke" --and that I would magically stay at my "natural" thin weight without keeping up all the diligence!), or something goes wrong, the bad habits creep back (or descend in a landslide), and there I am again, overweight and feeling very poorly about myself.
I think that perhaps one of the good things about hitting middle age is that it has become impossible to keep calling these patterns "flukes." (I just remembered not everyone here will know American idioms-- a "fluke" is not the fish, but a singular, odd/random occurrence, that doesn't follow the usual way things work...an outlier that we ignore.) At this point, I can see the patterns...because they've happened too many times to ignore.
So what I'm really trying to do this time, with a growing self-acceptance and understanding of my issues, is to find a better way to help myself through life's ups and downs and changes, a real manageable plan. One that's all about loving and supporting myself, in a really deep way, stopping the cycle of self-abandonment. To me, it's been an important step to just really own that this cycle is an ongoing problem I have, which I need to develop a lifelong strategy around.
I'm so grateful to have found such a supportive group to share with during such a transformative time for each of us!
As for goals-- I'll have to think overnight about exactly which and how to come up with a single number to measure. I'm going for weight/inches lost, and an exercise goal-- I signed up for that Dark Side Half Marathon at Disney in April! Whoa!
Me too, I'm using MyFitnessPal and MapMyRun. Considering getting a wearable tracker. I started Monday, recording all my foods (MyFitnessPal I really am liking for this), and started a couch-to-half-marathon running plan last week. Yay!