how would you handle this ?

[OceanAnnie]

I think before you set her down to go over the rules, I'd look for ways to make this transition as positive as possible in her eyes, and yours. She doesn't seem too excited to come to live with you guys namely because her friends are not there.

It's going to be a hard transition no matter how you look at. She will have one foot in your residence and one foot in her old stomping grounds. Hopefully, you can help her find a way to see this change in a positive light. I'd ask your DSD what she thinks everyone can do to make it a smooth transition. Hear her out. I don't think I'd go over the rules then. I'd tell her you are going to consider what she said and see where there can be compromise.

In the mean time, I would let her know about our, "house rules" that were for everyone. I'd go over common courtesy stuff such as let us know where you are going and when you plan to return. Clean up after yourself like everyone else. Basic stuff. I do think I'd let her know about a curfew and if her idea isn't too far from yours I'd tell her I'd consider being flexible about it.

 

[Buckalew11]

She doesn't have the option of backing out. She has nowhere else to live so the decision was made for her.

Exactly. But where was your DH during the last 8 yrs. of her life when her life was so unruly and upside-down? She should be living with at least one of her parents if at all possible. So dad it is.

Like Tina said, let her wade into this. TELL her, if you are so adament about a 9:30 bedtime, that if she shows she can get up and get ready and not be a total grouch, that you'll add time on to that time. Let her know there is wiggle room. Let her earn these rights and let her KNOW that she is able to earn these rights.
Don't turn to her after a fight about it and say "If you hadn't screwed this up, we would have let you do *XYZ*. Let her know upfront.

Give her some hope. Because honestly, I would need some HOPE if I was in her shoes.

I think we all agree that you do not let 16yos run wild and be out til 1 a.m. etc. etc. etc. That is common sense (while it may not be common parenting, it is common sense). I have plenty of rules for my dd and plenty of chores to go along with them. No one is saying "let her do her own thing as she wishes."

Freedom w/o rules doesn't usually work. I am a big believer in "you get what you expect." If expect a little, you get a little. I expect a lot from my daughter. I think I get a lot too.

I think we're just warning you not to set yourself up for failure here. I think almost 100% of the posters agree that is what you are doing. That is unheard of on the DIS! lol

 

[Acklander]

There's noting I can say that hasn't been said by the others, but I'm feeling an overwhelming sadness for your DSD.

You asked what would I do? Well, if it were me, I'd allow her to continue to see her friends in her old town, maybe every other weekend???. She will naturally curb back on that as she makes new friends where she is, but until then I can understand her wanting to remain in contact with those she cares about.
As to the Halloween - by the age of 16 my kids were too old for the Trick or treating and too young to be hanging out at home handing out candy. Usually there was some town sponsored event/halloween dance/party at someone house thing going on - so they went to whatever was going on that year.
It sounds like you're pretty set on how you want to run things, so guess not much I can say about the other stuff. Only suggestion I'd make is you'd probably want to set up appointments for family counselling. It sound like your DSD is going through a lot of changes right now, and there are going to be big changes in your home family life as well so it might be nice to have a professional there to help smooth the way during the transition for everyone. Can't hurt, and might help.

 

[SaraJayne]

This poor girl is looking for a soft place to land and isn't getting it from either parent.

She'll find it somewhere else.

 

[maestro]

My 16yo son is sat here reading this with me, and he just told me how very much he loved me for being so lenient!
I feel so sorry for this girl as you seem completely unwilling to compromise at all, it seems its your way or the highway, and this kid has no options.
Perhaps a nice welcome gift would be a second hand, inexpensive laptop. That would eliminate the lines for the computer, and allow her the ability to skype with her friends.
I can't see TBH how any high school kid could manage course work without the unlimited use of a computer (unless your schools are VERY different from the UK). Just a thought
Ceri

 

[luvmy3]

She also has no way to get back and forth for a party on Halloween night. She has already been informed that if the party is on Saturday night she can go. I cannot drive her on Friday and her friends are not yet allowed to drive with other friends in the car per state rules so she cannot be picked up. So, therefore, her options are to stay home or come with us.

OP, you are starting to contradict yourself. This is from the OP:

DSD16 is moving in with us within the next week or so. we live about an hour from where she goes to school now. While she was here this weekend on visitation, she spoke of how she plans on going back to her old town just about every weekend and whenever she is not working. (She does not have a job yet but needs/wants one so she can pay for her car and insurance and stuff.) I reminded her that we do family things some weekends and she responded that she knows and she always misses it. (cuz it wasn't her weekend when event was happening or she chose not to come) She is already upset some about the move, the changes in bedtime and that she will have to be up more than a half hour before the bus comes since she will be sharing a bathroom here with DD13 in the mornings. She was very put out by that. She also doesn't like that I told her that I expect her to eat something for breakfast instead of the nothing she eats now at her moms.

I asked her about Halloween, whether she will be ToTing with us or wanted to stay home and hand out candy. (I'm trying to plan a costume if she needs one) She told me that she is sure that she has a couple of Halloween parties to go to and she had plans with her friend from current school. With Halloween on a Sunday night, I told her it would depend since she has school the next day. She responded with the fact that she has a 1 am curfew anyways with her license. I told her I didn't think so and I'm sure her curfew would be much earlier than that on a school night. She will have a9:30 bedtime on school nights and 10:30 on Fri/Sat and have to be home by at least 10 if not earlier since she did JUST get her license and snow will be coming soon and black ice even earlier.


I bolded the part about breakfast because in your OP you clearly say you expect her to eat breakfast, but then in a PP you said you just asked her to take something to eat.
Then there is the issue abot the Halloween party in which you said nothing about her not having a ride in your OP. In fact yo mentioned that she had her license and her curfew would be earlier that night because it was a school night. Is she allowed to drive your or your dh's car?

 

[Hannathy]

She doesn't have the option of backing out. She has nowhere else to live so the decision was made for her.

No she does have options, they aren't good ones but there are options.

She can run away, she can move in with a friend after becoming emancipated. No aunts, uncles, cousins she could move in with?
she can run away or get into trouble so much she gets put into the juvenile system.

I find it very terrible to have to say but in this case I think this girl would have a better life in foster care than living in your prison.

I would be petrified of a young girl running away and living on the streets or between friends but obviously you aren't because you are driving her to it, heck you are handing her the keys.

 

[RitaE]

So if she's a great student --- what's the fuss? You think she'll all the sudden stop being a great student unless you take over for her? Doesn't she at least get the consideration of actually failing at it before you start stomping your foot and demanding she change? I mean, you sound like. "Oh sure she gets good grades and everything but it doesn't really count in my book because she's disorganized!!!!" Well who the flip cares? What's this about anyway? her and her success or your need to make sure that she does it YOUR WAY.

OP, I feel a bit of a backstory here that you probably don't want to share. I just have to tell you though that you are setting this whole thing up for failure. No doubt in my mind. She's going to end up angry and resentful and at best you are going to be in for a couple of years of a real power struggle.

 

[hentob]

You don’t like this child. You treat her differently than any of your other children. I feel so sick for this child that you are already getting prepared pounce on

I found this past post (#19) and it is the reason you should not have this child live with you

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1498513

Is foster care an option?

 

[RachaelA]

If my parents had rules like that I would have rebeled like crazy. I'm 24 so its not that long ago that I was at home and in high school. Bedtime for a 16 year old seriously? Making her take breakfast (even if she doesn't have to eat it)? I don't think I ate breakfast once in high school. What a waste of food!

I feel bad for your stepdaughter because its obviously you made up your mind. You may say that you and your DH came up with this together, but its pretty obvious you made the rules and he just agreed with you.

You are definitely in for a rough two years with your boot camp rules and regulations. I bet she'll be counting down the days until she turns 18 and can move out.

 

[pyrxtc]

have

 

[RadioFanatic]

So if she's a great student --- what's the fuss? You think she'll all the sudden stop being a great student unless you take over for her? Doesn't she at least get the consideration of actually failing at it before you start stomping your foot and demanding she change? I mean, you sound like. "Oh sure she gets good grades and everything but it doesn't really count in my book because she's disorganized!!!!" Well who the flip cares? What's this about anyway? her and her success or your need to make sure that she does it YOUR WAY.

OP, I feel a bit of a backstory here that you probably don't want to share. I just have to tell you though that you are setting this whole thing up for failure. No doubt in my mind. She's going to end up angry and resentful and at best you are going to be in for a couple of years of a real power struggle.

THANK YOU! I thought the exact same thing! I still say she will be resentful, not thankful. I know from experience.

 

[smb6]

I have not read through everything, but I really think you are starting out on the wrong foot with her. It sounds like you really don't want her there..... You need to take a step back; she has not even moved in yet and you are already giving out rules left and right and a very non-welcoming way....

 

[hentob]

More background


http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1299836

I ahve a 12 yr old step-daughter. She has been asking to live with us forever. We were going to deal with things in the spring when we had the money mroe available but things happened and we had to do it now to make life easier on her. (There goes the rest of our money for Christmas plus more that we didn't have right now)]made an appt wiht a lawyer to amke evrything legal and then my DH talked to hi Ex. She said if she says it to her face then she will let her come live with us, easier than we thought.

We talked to the lawyer and then DH went to DD's house and talked with her where she told her mom she wanted to move. Her mom then proceeded to freak out on her telling her if things were so horrible and she was unhappy she should have told her. She was screaming and crying and such that my DH took DD out of the house to talk with her. It was decided that on December 26th, she would move in with us. Now coming to today, DH went to Exes house to get her to sign the papers to let her move and Ex tells us DD has changed her mind. She is no longer moving in with us.

Now we did not do this on a whim. DD ahs told us for at least the last 7 months that she wants to move. Apparently, she has been telling her mom all along how unhappy she is when she is here. I have no dount she has been telling her mom this but doubt the truth behind it. her mom is a very manipulitive person and I believe that DD is telling her what she wants to hear. Ex has personally told my DH that she wonders what it would be like for them to be back together and we know she is so upset becasue he did so well in life after the divorce and she is doing very poorly.

Ex feels like we should be buyig clothes for DD for her house and we already bring and pay for all medical stuff. her Dr's are up near us since Ex won't take her. We pay all the co-pays and for everything else she needs. The last pair of new glasses DD has needed was the first time we got Ex to pay for anythn and then she paid half but wouldn't take DD to pick them up so they could be fitted to her face. they sat for 2 weeks waiting. meanwhile DD had been having headaches for months since her glasses were not working for her.

We have had many issues over the years with how Ex treats DD at ehr house and also how we are treated whenever we want to take her when we want her more than just the weekend, especially in the summer. If we ask, Ex says they have something planned but then DD just ends up sitting at home and doing nothing. She tells us about it when she comes the next weekend. Along wiht being left home alone since she was 9 yrs old (she lives in a city where it is not safe to do that nevermind against the law). There have been many more personal things that are just wrong in our eyes. is not allowed to do after school activities and is not allowed anywhere but school and home during the week. Mom doesn't want to pick her up afterwards although she is home anyways.

okay, so now thT ex has said the DD has changed her mind, she is not moving Dh is veyr upset. he thinks that DD ahs played him and is just trying to manipulate him when she tells us stories about Exes house. I try talking to him about it cuz even though it's his DD it's all of our lives that this is gong to mess up. I think that he should just continues wiht the lawyer and go for DD to live with us. I think Ex had a lot of influence since Tuesday on changing DD mind and that DD's decision was just one of the factors in deciding to take EX to court and we shouldn't give up. DH is upset and DD and now at me cuz I want to talk about it and still do it. There is no convincing him of anything though. Now he is mad at me for suggesting anything and I am upset with him for giving up so easily and refusing to even discuss it. I ahte being mad at him and now I am mad at DD for doing this to him.don't even want her in my house if she is going to be like this. I am supposed to be taking both of the girls to see tha Cheetah girls tonight but I don't want to be around SDD at all!

If anything Ex said about ehr saying things to her mom about this house, then on't want he at my house evere again. If she hates it so much then oh well!, she doesn't have to come here anymore.t is, if i believe Ex, who is not known for telling the truth. SDD stays with her mom, she is going to end up just like her.h already sees it in her and that lifew will not be good for DD. At 12, SDD is known for explosive crying fits to try to get what she wants or sympathy from us if she does something she is not supposed to do. She is sucha sweet girl for the most part and just wants a happy life where she can join Girl Scouts and do after-school activities.

Am I wrong to be pushing this with my DH?? he is not a talker but I think he is giving up too easliy. I ahve no doubt that if SDD were asked again this weekend that ehr mind would change yet again, nevermind all of the things in her life that would change for the better if she lived here.

Oh, and in case you think that she changed her mind just so she wouldn't have to leave her school friends and stuff, Ex is moving anyways so SDD has to do that all anyways. I know Ex has been saying how she'll never get to see her mom if she lives here but Ex would ahve half of all vacations and every other weekend. SDD said she wants to live with her mom for the school year but live with us for the summer. I said no way!! It's either all or it continues like it is. She either wants to live here or she doesn't. In the summer, it would be just me and all 4 kids and I dont' want to be a round SDD who tells her mother how rotten I am and that she hates her brothers and even our dogs.

What would you do???

(Sorry this got so long!)

 

[Hannathy]

I am not worried about her drinking or getting PG. She knows lots about that stuff, way more than she should but it has helped her know what to do. We talk about it often, just Saturday night we had a discussion about birth control that ended with me telling her that we will make all the right Dr appointments once she lives here. She knows I will take care of whatever she needs done.

Of course your not it is hard to do that in prison!!!! How can she know more than she should? that makes no sense.


What you say that shows love hugs, cuddling, is what shows love to a preschooler not a high schooler!!!!!

Trust, believing in them,being proud of their accomplishments, that is what shows love to a young adult!!!

I pity this poor unwanted child.

 

[RitaE]

You don’t like this child. You treat her differently than any of your other children. I feel so sick for this child that you are already getting prepared pounce on

I found this past post (#19) and it is the reason you should not have this child live with you

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1498513

Is foster care an option?

Holy Crap!

 

[tlbwriter]

What are you hoping to accomplish by setting these rules? What do you expect to happen?

 

[NHdisneylover]

The more of your posts that I read the more angry and upset I become about the life this poor girl has had and the life she will have living with you I honestly hope this poor, unwanted kid has the good sense to realize she can get out by applying for emancipation, or else hangs in there and toughs it out for the two years of her "sentence" she has left rather than running away and getting herself into a dangerous situation. You really should not be surprised if she ends up being a TON of trouble because really anyone sane would rebel when treated like this.

I don't even know where to begin and lots of people have covered lots of the same territory so here are just a few quick thoughts:

Teens hang out. Many MANY teens hang out without getting into any kind of trouble at all. Why is it bad to you that the kids may just want to be together and be friends without having to have some sort of organized activity?

I cannot understand your refusal to sleep until everyone else in the house is asleep. I can understand wanting her quiet and in her room. Sleeping though? It is not her fault you have this weird quirk. There is really no logical reason for this--it is just a control issue.

Telling a 16 year old WHEN to do their homework is also controlling in the extreme. Especially given that she is a good student. If she procrastinates and ends up turning in a project or two late, she will learn from that. You do not need to run out and buy things for her last minute (and i know how everything up there is closed early anyway) but you do not need to dictate to her what exact time of day she does her homework either.

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, there is a lot of background here. (Thanks Hentob)

It really sounds like you resent her. I'm sorry she is going through this. This is the fruit of a lot of things...and this innocent girl is paying for it all.

 

[Mommee]

OP, my son is almost 15. I don't have his facebook password, I don't give him a bedtime on weekends, and "curfew" is fluid based on the situation. His phone is always with him, and I'm sure he answers texts at 3 am.
He's a straight-A student and an amazing baseball player. He'll likely graduate as a valedictorian, just like I did. I'm parenting his younger siblings the same as he was, and the two that are school-age are advanced, articulate, polite, and well-liked.
I doubt there's a "successful" gene out there, so I'm pretty sure my children's success is in large part due to my parenting style. Socialization is a HUGE part of being successful, as is having a sense of responsibility and capability. If you come down hard out the gate, you'll be showing her that you don't trust her, you don't think she's capable, and you expect poor behavior. If you cut off her contact with her peers, her self-esteem will suffer and then it cascades.

I really wish you'd consider allowing her to self-regulate. Once she's proven she can't handle it, then you tighten down. Not before. Behavior in her mom's poor environment does not mean she won't blossom in yours. You only have two years for her to become an adult, and then what's going to happen?

That being said, I agree with young teens and aimless driving, esp. in poor weather.

--------------

Just saw that she's a great student...so why is she being treated like she's an incapable 7-yr. old?