how would you handle this ?

[pyrxtc]

for

 

[sbell111]

... we cannot add her to our insurance until all of the custody issues have been finalized and she officially changes her address to ours. ...

That didn't seem correct to me, so I called my insurance agent. He told me that he could easily add anyone onto my insurance who would regularly drive the car, regardless of whether they lived with me. He could add your 16 year old step daughter to my insurance if I had her info.

I said I didn't like them saying because I wasn't a Bio parent, that I am not allowed to parent.

This comment is at the base of the issue, in my opinion. You haven't yet come to terms with the fact that you have to earn the right to be her parent. Just being married to her dad and making a bunch of crazy rules doesn't get that job done.

It is around the schedule of the family. I am not telling my kids that they cannot go to gymnastics today because their sister wants to go to a friends house and we can't do both. She will have to wait til gymnastics is over. If she has an activity and my kids want to do something else, then they will have to wait as well. Activities happen at pretty much the same time every week. Plans can be made around them or not at all. I have to plan around them all to make sure they all get where they need to be and sometimes it is saying no to something one of them wants to do because the time is wrong.

You gave this reply in response to a question about your step daughter working. Are you honestly expecting her to schedule her job around everyone else's activities?

 

[pyrxtc]

the world

 

[hentob]

If she gets up and is out at the bus then it will be adjusted.

Holy smokes So you are going to stick with that "bed time" for a 16 year old until she PROVES herself to you?

 

[LiberalPrincess]

computers are for use in public area's only. Even I use the computer in a public area.

Your office is a public area?

 

[Cinderella94]

My question seems to have fallen by the wayside, and I'm genuinely curious, so I'll ask again.

Between the rest of your family's schedule, her inability to have a car, and her 9:30 bedtime, when do you expect her to find any time in the day to work?

 

[sbell111]

If she gets up and is out at the bus then it will be adjusted. If she needs to stay up and finish her homework then she will have to.

Of course, you already stated taht whether she will be able to make it to the bus on time depends on how well she and your daughter share the bathroom. I would not be surprised if your daughter picks up on your attitutde regarding your step daughter and pretty much guarantees that she is never on time for the bus.

As for computers, there is a family one and one in my office for my work. My DH has a laptop for work that even he uses in the living room. We have an old laptop of his that I have told her she can use, downstairs.

So you are the only one in the entire household that gets to use a computer outside of the living room?

 

[maestro]

OK OP I really am trying to help here, I think maybe as said by a previous poster that the problem lies in your not being able to appreciate the different needs between a 13 year old and a 16 year old. Perhaps it may help if you look at the difference between your 7 year old and 13 year old, I'm sure your older daughter must have different needs and privileges.
The difference is that you will have gradually adapted as a family to these changing needs, and in your current situation there will not be the opportunity for gradual change.
However, like it or like it not there will HAVE to be changes for ALL of you if the family is to remain a functioning unit.
I appreciate that this is a steep learning curve for you, as although you have 3 other children, you have in effect missed the 13-16 year experience when the greatest changes take place in a child (imho anyway) and you are suddenly faced with having to parent a young person who has already in a lot of ways shaped her adult future.

Please listen and take on board the opinions of those who have already weathered the storm of teenagers, we truely are trying to help.
My 2, 16 and 18, do not have a set curfew, each occasion is agreed individually. they do not have set bed times but always get up in a timely fashion, except for weekends when its up to them if they want a lie in.
They both have cell phones, and laptops which are needed for school work as well as socialising.
My son is a straight A student, and my daughter is currently on a gap year and working full time before going to university to study forensic science.
Yes we have occasionally had to introduce sanctions, but only very rarely.
Please give this young lady a chance to prove herself to you BEFORE imposing unrealistic rules upon her, but TELL her that this is what you are doing, and that if she breks your trust then sanctions will be imposed. Our schools motto is "with rights come responsibilities" if she remembers that then she won't go far wrong.
Please give this young person the chance to be a real and valued member of your family and don't drive her away

 

[Lionqueen2]

My heart goes out to this young girl. Up to now she has been living with a mom who seems to have wanted her gone and yet it appears that this 16 year old has managed somehow to be responsible and a good student. I can only imagine how much pain this girl has endured over the years knowing that she is not exactly wanted in the home she occupied. Now, she is being sent to her Dad's home to live with his family where she has to find a way to fit in. This whole thing is just so sad to read.
Sixteen year old girls shouldn't have to deal with some of the things that this girl has on her plate. They need to have time to concentrate on schoolwork, friends, and some social activities and this girl needs to have time for all of that in her life. In addition, they girl will be looking for work to pay for her car expenses.
This girl sounds like an extraordinary young woman and I feel that most people would be happy to welcome her into their homes to be part of their family.
I wish all of you much luck and hope that everything works out for you. This girl needs more than just a place to rest her head at night and food. She needs love and attention from a real family and hope that all of you are able to find a special bond with each other.

 

[pyrxtc]

trix

 

[wvjules]

In this very long thread not ONE person has agreed with the way you are handling this and yet you don't seem to be hearing/seeing that your way might not be the best way. I feel so incredibly sorry for this girl. This isn't a home for her, it is a prison. I predict that in 1 year things will have changed dramatically for her, and not in a good way, all because of you.

If you were my step-mom and I was forced to live with you, I'd sure as hell find a way to get out of there as soon as I could.

You're the stuff fairy tales are made of...and I'm not talking about being a princess either.

 

[hentob]

computers are for use in public area's only. Even I use the computer in a public area.

Why?

 

[jen0610]

But when she "noted" she wanted to save up and buy her own laptop, you reminded her she could NOT go upstairs with it? Why?

My initial response to a child that wanted to save for an item would be "Wow! Here is $5 to start you off I am proud that you are going to save for that. Good luck!"

Not imediate rules and instructions for that dream item

The answer to the why is because the OP wouldn't have control of what she is doing. If the step-DD has to be online out where everyone and anyone can see what she is doing, step-DD will not be able to communicate with her friends freely. Everybody has a right to a bit of freedom. This kid is going to be moving in and getting hooked up to a choke chain with zero freedom to think or do anything on her own. God forbid should the girl not make sure everything fits all nice and neatly into step-mommies perfectly little world.
Everything she is going to want to do, will have to meet step-mommies very high bar of acceptance.

I would love to be a fly on the wall for the first time that there is a conflict of schedules. One of the OP's precious kids and the step-DD both having an activity to be at, at the same time, a 1/2 hour a part. I don't think anyone needs but one guess to figure out who is going to be going to the activity and who won't be.

And for you to say there is Zero other options for this kid, are you telling me that the is no aunts, uncles, neices, nephews, grandparents who wouldn't love to, or at least not resent with every fibre of their body, this poor girl to live with them. Hell right now, I would almost say she would be better becoming a ward of the state, then to live in your control.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have to say when I was in grad school, I often did papers or projects the night before. Some people just do their best work when under pressure and looming deadlines. If her grades are already good, then she's obviously got it under control no thanks to any of the adults in her life. So just let her handle it!

I am a get it done right away person as is DH and DD13, but we all see that what works for DS is last minute. He needs the pressure to produce and he DOES in fact egt it done--so why should we force what works for us on him He also does not function well if he does not get at least an hour of downtime to regroup after school. DD13 on the other hand, cannot relax and have downtime if she has any work left to do
OP--get to know this girl and let her do what works for her (you say she is a good student so she knows what that is) and her siblings do what works for them

When was it ever said that she would be withheld from food. this is becoming a game of telephone.

Sorry. Somehow she read this as being before dinner, not just as before TV:
"Any homework that is assigned that day and due the next must be completed after a snack and before TV or computer can be used. our other kids all live by this rule as well. the TV goes off everywhere in the house til homework is done."

Though I agree I doubt you will truly have NO ONE (yourself included) watch any TV until all homework is done if she has the typical highschool amount of homework. If you do I will be impressed (we managed it in New Hampshire but that is only because we had no TV). Besides, I always worked better with lots of noise around me (I still do). When it is quiet I notice every little sound (like the fridge running). Do you know how she works best?

I have a spare room opening up on Dec. 1st. Tickets from Manchester are only $134, You can send her to live with me In Seattle.

You asked what people would do, well I'd send her to live with someone else if she's as terrible as you've made her out to be. It doesn't seem like you care at all about HER just about how she's going to effect YOUR life. Which is just sad.

If I knew of a way to check you out and I thought it would actually be allowed by the OP and her family I think I would buy that plane ticket for this girl.

I think this says a lot
you need to realize what your house "was" is no longer
adding you DSD will totally change the family dynamic

everything from who showers when to when the tv is on (are you really going to keep the tv off for all kids if DSD has an all night project to work on? The younger kids are going to start resenting her if you limit them because of her and vice versa)

You need to sit the whole family down and decided how to live as a group
explain to all the kids that they are different people and have different rules

and you defiantly need to roll with it....slamming down a bunch of rules and expecting her (all of them really) to bend isnt going to work

So well stated

I said I didn't like them saying because I wasn't a Bio parent, that I am not allowed to parent.

And anyone who thinks that moving a 16 yr old in with you isn't going to cost a lot more, then I want some of what they are smoking.

Of course it will cost more. So what? You husband knew (or should have known) when she was conceived that he would be financially responsible for her and you knew (or should have known) when you married him that you might end up with her living with you (note: living WITH you not in your home) some day. If you have been willing to kick in that $$ for unrelated exchange students you certainly ought to be willing to do it for minor, dependent family members without a hint of complaint.

and she will tell the judge she wants to be up here. As I said before , she is out of options. She has no other home as soon as custody is changed. Her mother will be bouncing from couch to couch.

She can legally drive them right now but DH said no unless she is on the insurance but that can't be done yet.

Yet again this is what is so sad. Maybe she'll tell the judge both places are miserable and beg for some other arrangement.


I have to tell you that BOTH of my kids say moving from Detroit to rural New Hampshire was as big of a culture shock as moving to Germany was. It was huge and hard to adjust (and they were much younger than this and not into much in the way of a social scene). My focus at this point would be 90% on how I could smooth the way for her (given that she has had the raw end of the deal for 16 years and has the most to adjust to) and 10% on smoothing the way for the other kids (given that adding her full time into the household will be an adjustment for them too) and not one iota on how can I make things easy on myself. In 6 months when it feels like a family and everyone is getting into routines and whatnot, and she is feeling loved and totally secure for the first time in her short life then you can look ways to make things simpler for you--the parent.

 

[hentob]

Of course, you already stated taht whether she will be able to make it to the bus on time depends on how well she and your daughter share the bathroom.

And of course, this is the only aspect of the step daughter's life the OP will NOT be involved with. Those two teenage girls will have to figure the bathroom schedule out on their own.

I told the girls they will have to work something out for the bathroom in the morning. While one is doing basics the other can be straightening her hair downstairs in that bath. it is up to them to figure it out and will take some getting used to and some close calls with the bus I'm sure.

So, you will figure out that teenager has to go to bed at 9pm, but then you won't get get involved in helping them get a schedule for the morning? Again, WHY?

Setting her up to fail?

Welcome home, daughter.

 

[NMAmy]

In this very long thread not ONE person has agreed with the way you are handling this and yet you don't seem to be hearing/seeing that your way might not be the best way.

I don't get this, either. And yet, over the years, the OP continues to post these threads about her stepdaughter but none of the advice she receives seems to sink in at all. OP, if you're so sure that you're right and 18 pages of posters are wrong, why do you ask for advice about your stepdaughter?

 

[Hannathy]

computers are for use in public area's only. Even I use the computer in a public area.

what are you afraid of? do you not want her friends to know how she is being treated?
How do you think she is going to feel like when she reads this?

yes little kids need monitored on the computer 16yr olds don't unless reason has been given.

so you are setting up your office for her to do her homework in correct? or are you expecting a high school junior to be able to concentrate in a living room? I really don't think you realize that high school is almost entirely done on the computer, she will be on for hours. It is not the same as a 13 yr old.
My DD had to do her physics on the computer there was no book!


bedtime
so the give and take was a bunch of baloney you are not willing to give an inch,nice, I wish I could pay for the child to go to a boarding school she would be met with respect there at least.

I don't know about you but if an entire message board including posters who don't usually agree are all calling you unreasonable, ungiving, mean and some worse things and total strangers are offering to take in my child it would certainly give me pause and make me rethink my stance, let alone feel awful.

 

[PatsMom]

Why?

Porn paranoia maybe? OP seems to be an incredibly controlling person so maybe this is how she keeps track of her husband's computer use too.

I just can't see this saga ending well. The driving thing really bugs me - it is setting her up for failure. If you want a car and insurance get a job but we won't drive you to the job unless it fits in with the bio kids schedules'.

If the girl has been smart enough to raise herself, she'll be smart enough to figure a way out. The way out just might not be a good one.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

I will repeat again, it is what I was told by my insurance agent.

her job would become a priority drive. Where she is applying the hours should be workable around other schedules.

And perhaps other schedules should be made workable around her work hours. You are basically forcing her into a position where she needs to work, although you have obviously already eliminated the possibility of evening hours and now she must work around your children's extra-curricular activities? All of this could be solved with adding her to your insurance. I encourage you to "ask" your agent again. All of our kids (step and otherwise) are on our policy, and that includes those who do not have ours as their primary address. Perhaps you didn't word the question correctly?

 

[Polyluvr]

You need to learn to lighten up~ you keep going on the path you're on you will end up w kids who get in trouble, pregnant or end up on drugs!

Your BIO children are still primarily young~ as soon as they can rebel they will~ and BIG time.

That poor girl- this whole thread is sooo uosetting~

And I am a step-mom and a mom; all kids were treated equally; and made to feel welcome- after I think about it; I think I was more lenient with my step-kids. They had alot to deal with; more than my BIO kids did.

You need to see a therapist about why you dislike your step-daughter so much.