how would you handle this ?

[VickiVM]

OP - do you want advice?? If not, then you can disregard the following.

I have a 16 year old. And a 14 and 12 year old. Here's what does and does not work:

- Cell phone: All 3 have and all 3 text. But all 3 know this is a privelege that literally gets taken away for behavior such as, not prioritizing and completing homework on time or failure to complete a chore we've specifically asked them to do. We believe in second chances and sometimes third depending on the circumstances. But will invoke this consequence when appropriate and the child knows they incurred the punishment on their own.

- If same behavior becomes repetitive, then we may also revoke previously granted permission for a fun event (sleepover, going to the movies, etc).

- No one has a bedtime - even the 12 year old. They have various school events that sometimes run all day...on a school day (I hate when the school does this, but it's not unlike real life, so it's a teachable moment, so to speak). But having said that, I don't retreat at night without checking to see who's still doing homework, who's waiting to shower or who's still farting around on FB and will give a firm "you need to finish up and go on to bed". My 16 year old is a procrastinator and rarely does not finish homework until 11pm or midnight. We've tried for years to help him change this habit, but we have to work with it. His grades are good, he participates in activities with the family when appropriate and is not in trouble, so his Dad and I are learning to let the late night habit go. NOTE - I said we are learning to let it go. We, parents, also have to make adjustments...and believe me, we have fought this battle over and over again. My freshman and 7th grader do not have problems with needing a curfew - they self-manage their behavior well.

- Several breakfast items are available for the kids to choose from. They make these choices on their own. Teenagers will eat when they are hungry. They're primal that way. Mine are no different. Sometimes they are running late and will stick a banana or a granola bar in their back pack. Again, they self-manage.

We are not a wealthy family by any means...and I know the cost of raising teenagers...my checkbook has multiple listings of checks just written out to the school in the last couple of weeks. But my 12 year old was afraid to ask if I could buy her a new hairbrush a few weeks ago while we were in Target shopping for a few must have odds and ends because I had mentioned several times that week that certain requests from the kids had to wait until payday. It broke my heart that she felt afraid to ask, but at the same time I appreciated her taking our family financial needs into consideration. So yes, kids do pick up on these verbal (and non-verbal) cues we give and will totally internalize them...teenagers are hard-wired that way.

OP - if you're still with me...meet her half-way. You're family and are in the unique position of giving her a better perspective on life. You can literally change her life for the better if she felt you supported her and had her back.

One last parent story...this past weekend my 12 year old had choir region auditions. Her father and I chaperoned the 30 or so kids that were auditioning from her school. We were there @ 7:15 am and she was among the last group to get called in for her audition. I could see as the morning went on, she was getting more and more nervous. At one point, we were doing relaxation breathing together so I could try to calm her nerves.

After the event was over and we were leaving, she thanked me and her father for being there with her. She said, "yeah, I had my friends there to support me and hang out with, but it's not the same has having your parents telling you to relax and stay calm and encouraging you". That was music to my ears and a rare glimpse into how teenagers really feel.

 

[hambirg]

She was paid child support but that rule no longer applies since she thinks she doesn't have to pay anything. I applaud her for finally realizing that what she wants is to be single with no children and letting them live with their fathers while she has a "single adult life" is one of the first unselfish things she has done. if anyone deserves to go out and be young, she does. But she cannot just have it all her way as she wants it. there should not be an option of no support but that is how it is done with her other DD now. She won't sign anything until DH agrees not to go for support and she gets her visitation schedule. I have told him he needs to do mediation or a lawyer but it's not happening.

It doesn't matter what mom thinks about child support. There are formulas for determining what she will have to pay. Also child support and visitation are two totally different issues. One is not dependent on the other in anyway. Tell your DH not to agree to anything and for heaven's sake don't sign anything! If he wanted to be really sneaky about it he could wait until DD came to live with you. . .establish her residence with him and then go for support. He will get it no matter what Mom thinks. Have him speak to a lawyer. . .seriously.

 

[pyrxtc]

silly

 

[dodukes]

Mom does not want to pay anything. Or to help pay for anything in the future.



The insurance agent said that to add her to our policy her license needs to reflect our address. We have 3 cars on our insurance so she would be chief driver for one of them until she registers her car.

It is around the schedule of the family. I am not telling my kids that they cannot go to gymnastics today because their sister wants to go to a friends house and we can't do both. She will have to wait til gymnastics is over. If she has an activity and my kids want to do something else, then they will have to wait as well. Activities happen at pretty much the same time every week. Plans can be made around them or not at all. I have to plan around them all to make sure they all get where they need to be and sometimes it is saying no to something one of them wants to do because the time is wrong.

If you already have three cars, why does she need to register one of her own? Why can't she use the extra car to get a job or to go to see her friends?

I thought you all only had one car then I could see some of your points but now that you say you have 3 cars i agree, why not let her driver her own car (one of yours that is obviously extra) until hers can get fixed. I don't see why her activity has to wait for one of your kids when theres always an extra car sitting there??? this does seem very selfish and controlling. Its one thing to only have one car that has to get shared but THREE!!

I dont get the comment about the car jsut sitting there in the parking lot, so what! if its an extra it wont be missed and surely when you go somewhere your car just sits there too.

I have been reading but not responding but this really got to me. Seriulsy work out a schedule with her for her to driver herself with the extra car.

 

[clutter]

I don't either. I don't think the OP sees it that way. HER families life is changing because this girl is moving in.

Here's the thing. A 16 yo moving into a house where a 13yo is the oldest child means that the entire family's life is changing. Three years from now, many of the changes posters are promoting now would likely be made for the oldest child. Unfortunately, OP doesn't have the luxury of adapting gradually. She is being told that her rules need to be different, but she's never had the opportunity to understand why, or to adapt over time. So in one respect, I get where she's coming from. But, OP, the posters here are speaking from experience. I'm sure many of them would agree that they followed the same rules when their oldest kid was 13. They're just trying to let you know, from their experience, that they had to make adaptations and are trying to help you understand.

Of course, this proves one point. You simply cannot TELL someone what to do and expect them to learn something. Some things are only learned by experience. Which is why we have to let our kids make bad decisions in order for them to learn how to make good ones.

 

[SaraJayne]

Just wondering, but I would guess that your DH's car just sits in the parking lot all day while he works, right?

How is her working any different? You obviously can't drive two cars at once. Let her take one car and *gasp* let it sit in the parking lot so she has the freedom to leave when her shift is over and not have to sit and wait for a ride like a 3rd grader.

 

[Hannathy]

I notice you skipped over my question so I will ask it again. You said there would be give and take and nothing was set in stone and what would we do. We all said the bed time was unreasonable and unrealistc and while most don't have a bedtime if you insist on a bed time for a young adult
will you at least adjust this to a more reasonable and age appropriate time?

so your answer are you willing to give and take or was that just a bunch of baloney?



I'm still wondering about the 1 computer but would at least like this answered

 

[Flounder's Friend]

I don't know. This whole thread reminds me of some bad Lifetime movie of the week. Teenage girl is forced to live with dad, who is rarely home. Teenage girl must spend time with overly strict stepmother. Cell phones don't work, as they live too far up in the mountains. All contact wit civilization stops at dusk, as the nearest town is 20 miles away and closes when the sun goes down.....

 

[canopynut66]

Where is her Dad in all this? If she is living with you then you all need to sit down and go over the rules of the house. My 17 year old Grandson is honor student but his curfew is 11PM Friday/Saturday nites my daughter means "in the drive way 11 PM" Sunday nites and any school nites is 9:30 PM and in their house this will remain in effect until they graduate high school. My Grand kids have never had cable TV in the home by choice. Kids have one hour of TV until they turned 14 and my daughter and her husband watch those programs with them to this day. internet is in the kitchen at a desk and they are not even allowed to be on Face book until 18. Older daughter junior in college. Very happy kids.

 

[sunnyday123]

This thread affected me and many other regular posters. It was a heartbreaking one.

And the really sad part is, the OP sees nothing wrong with the way this girl is treated. I've never read anything that said she's a bad kid, she just has the misfortune of having an idiot for a Mother and a spaghetti-spined Father.

My DD is 12 and on the weekends she doesn't have a bedtime. If we have something going on she gets up, and if she's tired, so be it. I tell her the night before, what we're doing and at 12 she has enough sense to know to not stay up till 2am.

Honestly, from all of your previous posts, you resent this kid. Probably because your DH had the nerve to have a relationship before you, and everything about it was not good enough in your eyes. And frankly, the post you made previously about you and your DH AGREEING to not buy her clothes just made me sick. You resent this kid so much, and then wonder why she doesn't answer your calls. Seriously? Go pull some old posts and then think again. Think about the disruption in this childs life, and instead of venting about how inconvenient it's going to be in YOUR life, think about how she feels. Her Mother doesn't want her, and neither does her Step-Mother.

13 and 16 are miles apart, and allowing her the option to TOT with a 13 year old is social suicide.

I think you should all sit down and have a family discussion, and her Father should give her the rules. At this point your role should be friend and mentor. No matter how rotten her Mother is, she will always be her Mother and the more you say how bad she was or didn't do things well, the more you will drive a wedge between this girl and you and her Father.

 

[Cinderella94]

There are so many good statements on this thread and it makes me sad that they're falling on deaf ears.

 

[Buckalew11]

Here's the thing. A 16 yo moving into a house where a 13yo is the oldest child means that the entire family's life is changing. Three years from now, many of the changes posters are promoting now would likely be made for the oldest child. Unfortunately, OP doesn't have the luxury of adapting gradually. She is being told that her rules need to be different, but she's never had the opportunity to understand why, or to adapt over time. So in one respect, I get where she's coming from. But, OP, the posters here are speaking from experience. I'm sure many of them would agree that they followed the same rules when their oldest kid was 13. They're just trying to let you know, from their experience, that they had to make adaptations and are trying to help you understand.

Of course, this proves one point. You simply cannot TELL someone what to do and expect them to learn something. Some things are only learned by experience. Which is why we have to let our kids make bad decisions in order for them to learn how to make good ones.

I agree. I said that in one of my first posts. The OP has never mothered a 16 yo before.
Everyone is trying to tell her 13 and 16 are very different--even if this girl had lived with the OP all her life, 13 would still have different rules than a 16yo.

People are trying to help. This has been going on for a long time--years.

No one has it out for the OP. She asked, we replied. SHe seems to think we have it in for her. We don't. We do think she is somewhat of a control freak of sorts. I'll admit, I'm one myself to an extent! We're just trying to save her heartache and trying to make her see this girl's POV.

I do know you know where I'm coming from and where she is coming from too--I'm just overly invested in this thread for some reason. I think it is because I have a 16 yo DD and I'd hate to have her deal with this type thing at this stage of her life.

 

[jen0610]

There is a middle ground between no rules and extreme rules. I think you need to find that middle ground.
Honestly, in reading your posts it does sound like you have a need to control everything and everyone in your environment.

That was how it was in our house growing up. We were not given a curfew, but we were asked to call by midnight, if we weren't already home and let our parents know where we were, who we were with and what we were doing. They would then either give us approval to stay out and being home by a then given time or that we needed to come home now. My 2 younger brothers never did figure this out and by the end of 10th grade they had curfews, while I never did get one.

 

[lovin diz]

Here's the thing. A 16 yo moving into a house where a 13yo is the oldest child means that the entire family's life is changing. Three years from now, many of the changes posters are promoting now would likely be made for the oldest child. Unfortunately, OP doesn't have the luxury of adapting gradually. She is being told that her rules need to be different, but she's never had the opportunity to understand why, or to adapt over time. So in one respect, I get where she's coming from. But, OP, the posters here are speaking from experience. I'm sure many of them would agree that they followed the same rules when their oldest kid was 13. They're just trying to let you know, from their experience, that they had to make adaptations and are trying to help you understand.

Of course, this proves one point. You simply cannot TELL someone what to do and expect them to learn something. Some things are only learned by experience. Which is why we have to let our kids make bad decisions in order for them to learn how to make good ones.

This!!!

I understand that a 16 yo living with you will increase your bills, but dh and i went through an ex wife not cancelling child support, so for 6 months while he was living with us, we were still paying child support b/c she would not get it stopped....we had to prove he lived with us...

I went into it saying this and that also, but quickly realized that he had a horrible childhood..he raised himself, and rules that i thought i would put on my daughter when she was to turn that age, wouldnt work on him...

I would never approve of my daughter smoking, but my step son was already addicted, so instead of having nic withdrawls, we gradually got him off...we kept him as close to his friends as possible...I wake up at 4am for work, and some nights his friends were at our house late at night...but FRIENDS were the one thing that was consistant in his life, and i was not going to take that away, no matter how badly i wanted to be in my bed....

right now you say you child will have the same rules.....I am betting you will not be near as strict as that with your child...and that is sad

 

[hentob]

I don't know. This whole thread reminds me of some bad Lifetime movie of the week. Teenage girl is forced to live with dad, who is rarely home. Teenage girl must spend time with overly strict stepmother. Cell phones don't work, as they live too far up in the mountains. All contact wit civilization stops at dusk, as the nearest town is 20 miles away and closes when the sun goes down.....

Actually, it reminded me of poor Zahra Clare Baker

and she will tell the judge she wants to be up here. As I said before , she is out of options. She has no other home as soon as custody is changed. Her mother will be bouncing from couch to couch.

And her father (your husband) should be jumping for joy! His baby is coming to live with him His flesh and blood!

She should be welcomed with open arms.

Instead, she is being welcomed with bedtimes and talk of Halloween parties that she will NOT be able to attend.

Welcome home, sweet daughter

 

[Colleen27]

She doesn't have the option of backing out. She has nowhere else to live so the decision was made for her.

I think that's all the more reason she needs to feel like she has some control over her life, even if it is only over things like when to do her homework, whether or not to eat breakfast, and when to go to sleep.

I agree with what many others have mentioned - between the strict rules and being cut off from her friends in her old town, you're setting up a situation where crashing on friends couches or hooking up with some guy who lives in her old neighborhood is going to look mighty attractive to her.

It seems to me that you're putting the consequences before the crime. If my DS doesn't do his homework, then we set tighten the reins on when it must be done. If he's a crab in the morning, then we set a (or an earlier) bedtime. But he gets the trust first, and the consequence if he shows he can't self-regulate. It sounds like your DSD has been pretty much self-regulating everything for years, and doing so with reasonable success per your descriptions of her. Why assume she's going to be any different now?

 

[RitaE]

So she's moving in soon?

Given how much stock you put into family and being close and cuddling and hugs and love .... I'm sure you must be planning something really special to make her feel welcome.

Right?

 

[pyrxtc]

rabbit

 

[Polyluvr]

I agree !00%

I have to ask why do you hate her so much?
and what has she been convicted of?

She is your daughter not your prisoner!!!!! your tone drips of venom and hatred and so not welcoming that I want to call the girl and tell her to run now because that is what she is going to do. Their are prisons with less rules.

I predict she runs away within a month.

YOU shouldn't be setting these rules; your DH- her father should!

 

[hentob]

As for computers, there is a family one and one in my office for my work. My DH has a laptop for work that even he uses in the living room. We have an old laptop of his that I have told her she can use, downstairs.

But when she "noted" she wanted to save up and buy her own laptop, you reminded her she could NOT go upstairs with it? Why?

My initial response to a child that wanted to save for an item would be "Wow! Here is $5 to start you off I am proud that you are going to save for that. Good luck!"

Not imediate rules and instructions for that dream item