VickiVM
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 3, 2001
OP - do you want advice?? If not, then you can disregard the following.
I have a 16 year old. And a 14 and 12 year old. Here's what does and does not work:
- Cell phone: All 3 have and all 3 text. But all 3 know this is a privelege that literally gets taken away for behavior such as, not prioritizing and completing homework on time or failure to complete a chore we've specifically asked them to do. We believe in second chances and sometimes third depending on the circumstances. But will invoke this consequence when appropriate and the child knows they incurred the punishment on their own.
- If same behavior becomes repetitive, then we may also revoke previously granted permission for a fun event (sleepover, going to the movies, etc).
- No one has a bedtime - even the 12 year old. They have various school events that sometimes run all day...on a school day (I hate when the school does this, but it's not unlike real life, so it's a teachable moment, so to speak). But having said that, I don't retreat at night without checking to see who's still doing homework, who's waiting to shower or who's still farting around on FB and will give a firm "you need to finish up and go on to bed". My 16 year old is a procrastinator and rarely does not finish homework until 11pm or midnight. We've tried for years to help him change this habit, but we have to work with it. His grades are good, he participates in activities with the family when appropriate and is not in trouble, so his Dad and I are learning to let the late night habit go. NOTE - I said we are learning to let it go. We, parents, also have to make adjustments...and believe me, we have fought this battle over and over again. My freshman and 7th grader do not have problems with needing a curfew - they self-manage their behavior well.
- Several breakfast items are available for the kids to choose from. They make these choices on their own. Teenagers will eat when they are hungry. They're primal that way. Mine are no different. Sometimes they are running late and will stick a banana or a granola bar in their back pack. Again, they self-manage.
We are not a wealthy family by any means...and I know the cost of raising teenagers...my checkbook has multiple listings of checks just written out to the school in the last couple of weeks. But my 12 year old was afraid to ask if I could buy her a new hairbrush a few weeks ago while we were in Target shopping for a few must have odds and ends because I had mentioned several times that week that certain requests from the kids had to wait until payday. It broke my heart that she felt afraid to ask, but at the same time I appreciated her taking our family financial needs into consideration. So yes, kids do pick up on these verbal (and non-verbal) cues we give and will totally internalize them...teenagers are hard-wired that way.
OP - if you're still with me...meet her half-way. You're family and are in the unique position of giving her a better perspective on life. You can literally change her life for the better if she felt you supported her and had her back.
One last parent story...this past weekend my 12 year old had choir region auditions. Her father and I chaperoned the 30 or so kids that were auditioning from her school. We were there @ 7:15 am and she was among the last group to get called in for her audition. I could see as the morning went on, she was getting more and more nervous. At one point, we were doing relaxation breathing together so I could try to calm her nerves.
After the event was over and we were leaving, she thanked me and her father for being there with her. She said, "yeah, I had my friends there to support me and hang out with, but it's not the same has having your parents telling you to relax and stay calm and encouraging you". That was music to my ears and a rare glimpse into how teenagers really feel.
I have a 16 year old. And a 14 and 12 year old. Here's what does and does not work:
- Cell phone: All 3 have and all 3 text. But all 3 know this is a privelege that literally gets taken away for behavior such as, not prioritizing and completing homework on time or failure to complete a chore we've specifically asked them to do. We believe in second chances and sometimes third depending on the circumstances. But will invoke this consequence when appropriate and the child knows they incurred the punishment on their own.
- If same behavior becomes repetitive, then we may also revoke previously granted permission for a fun event (sleepover, going to the movies, etc).
- No one has a bedtime - even the 12 year old. They have various school events that sometimes run all day...on a school day (I hate when the school does this, but it's not unlike real life, so it's a teachable moment, so to speak). But having said that, I don't retreat at night without checking to see who's still doing homework, who's waiting to shower or who's still farting around on FB and will give a firm "you need to finish up and go on to bed". My 16 year old is a procrastinator and rarely does not finish homework until 11pm or midnight. We've tried for years to help him change this habit, but we have to work with it. His grades are good, he participates in activities with the family when appropriate and is not in trouble, so his Dad and I are learning to let the late night habit go. NOTE - I said we are learning to let it go. We, parents, also have to make adjustments...and believe me, we have fought this battle over and over again. My freshman and 7th grader do not have problems with needing a curfew - they self-manage their behavior well.
- Several breakfast items are available for the kids to choose from. They make these choices on their own. Teenagers will eat when they are hungry. They're primal that way. Mine are no different. Sometimes they are running late and will stick a banana or a granola bar in their back pack. Again, they self-manage.
We are not a wealthy family by any means...and I know the cost of raising teenagers...my checkbook has multiple listings of checks just written out to the school in the last couple of weeks. But my 12 year old was afraid to ask if I could buy her a new hairbrush a few weeks ago while we were in Target shopping for a few must have odds and ends because I had mentioned several times that week that certain requests from the kids had to wait until payday. It broke my heart that she felt afraid to ask, but at the same time I appreciated her taking our family financial needs into consideration. So yes, kids do pick up on these verbal (and non-verbal) cues we give and will totally internalize them...teenagers are hard-wired that way.
OP - if you're still with me...meet her half-way. You're family and are in the unique position of giving her a better perspective on life. You can literally change her life for the better if she felt you supported her and had her back.
One last parent story...this past weekend my 12 year old had choir region auditions. Her father and I chaperoned the 30 or so kids that were auditioning from her school. We were there @ 7:15 am and she was among the last group to get called in for her audition. I could see as the morning went on, she was getting more and more nervous. At one point, we were doing relaxation breathing together so I could try to calm her nerves.
After the event was over and we were leaving, she thanked me and her father for being there with her. She said, "yeah, I had my friends there to support me and hang out with, but it's not the same has having your parents telling you to relax and stay calm and encouraging you". That was music to my ears and a rare glimpse into how teenagers really feel.