I know several single women with adult sons living with them.

[dish rag]

In the young to mid 20’s let’s say. I hear them comment and my wife tells me they mention that the sons stay out late, come home drunk. Bring friend over to drink and play poker late at night, the friends stay to sleep it off. Don’t clean up after themselves. Don’t take out the garbage, this sort of thing. Nag them to do anything.

I have made gentle comments to them that it’s time to have the men move out, or put a stop to that behavior and have them grow up and pitch in. That of course didn’t go over very well. Naturally they stuck up for their “little boys”. Saying it’s normal.

Got to thinking more about it. And thought these same women would not or did not put up with that sort of thing with ex husbands. And wouldn’t with a future husband. So I mentioned this to the one lady and there was silence. I wonder why they put up with this with another grown man in the house. Their sons, but it wouldn’t be acceptable if their husband acted the same way.

Any way, just something I was thinking about.

 

[cabanafrau]

In the young to mid 20’s let’s say. I hear them comment and my wife tells me they mention that the sons stay out late, come home drunk. Bring friend over to drink and play poker late at night, the friends stay to sleep it off. Don’t clean up after themselves. Don’t take out the garbage, this sort of thing. Nag them to do anything.

I have made gentle comments to them that it’s time to have the men move out, or put a stop to that behavior and have them grow up and pitch in. That of course didn’t go over very well. Naturally they stuck up for their “little boys”. Saying it’s normal.

Got to thinking more about it. And thought these same women would not or did not put up with that sort of thing with ex husbands. And wouldn’t with a future husband. So I mentioned this to the one lady and there was silence. I wonder why they put up with this with another grown man in the house. Their sons, but it wouldn’t be acceptable if their husband acted the same way.

Any way, just something I was thinking about.

Could be some of the complaints they've made are more in the line of venting (to your wife) and don't give a full picture. Maybe their silence is because they realize you won't understand you're overstepping and are out of line so they won't waste their breath.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I wonder if it's normal to them, because they raised the boy with little to no help from a father and the son may be "all they've got"? Don't know, and I'm sure it's not the same reasons for everyone, but I could see why a mom would let things slide with her child that she wouldn't tolerate with another adult.

This wouldn't fly in my house, but I also know several situations like this.

 

[Floridaman999]

I know several single people with adult sons and/or daughters living with them. There are lots and lots of reasons for this and I'll be the last to judge anyone for the decisions they make. If it doesn't involve me personally then it's really not my business. I didn't realize I was supposed to be more angry if it was a male.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I’d prefer they sleep it off there than driving home drunk, so that’s a plus. The rest is their personal business. They’re probably just letting off steam and aren’t really looking for advice about it, lol.

 

[Heidict]

To each their own. May not be a road I would choose to travel but if someone else wants it, then fine. There could be any number of reasons for the living arrangements. I'm not going to judge them or give them my unsolicited advice.

 

[Nayan]

My son lives with me while he's going to college. It saves him money, gives me company and I guess I should be thankful I don't have to nag.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't see any good coming from telling someone how they should run their house.
If these women you know are OK with their situation then that is their business. You don't have to agree with it or like it but since you aren't living there with them you should just keep it all to yourself.

 

[ember1205]

In my house, that would never be tolerated and it would have been corrected long before the child reached that age. At 18, they would have been shown the door.

In anyone else's house, that's their business and I will simply choose to not associate with them if they try and make it my issue to tolerate (by complaining all of the time) or similar. The saying "you made your bed, now lie in it" comes to mind.

 

[mjkacmom]

Dd22’s 28 year old boyfriend lives with his mom, he’s still getting his degree (film, switched majors late in the game). He is saving a lot of money, his sister lives many states away, and his parents are divorced. His mom is glad to have him.

Dd is living here, definitely doesn’t want to be here, but spends 8 hours a day studying for her CPA. Once she is done (guessing September), she will move out and get an apartment by her workplace, and start repaying her loans. She has some savings (probably around $8000), but doesn’t want to touch it (she also babysits about 10 hours a week, $20 an hour). She doesn’t come home drunk or have poker nights, but she isn’t helping around the house, not anymore than the others. I cook her meals (when she’s home) and do her laundry (with everyone else’s) and don’t mind, it’s a short time period. I don’t think either one of us expected her to ever return to the nest!

 

[ember1205]

Dd22’s 28 year old boyfriend lives with his mom, he’s still getting his degree (film, switched majors late in the game). He is saving a lot of money, his sister lives many states away, and his parents are divorced. His mom is glad to have him.

Dd is living here, definitely doesn’t want to be here, but spends 8 hours a day studying for her CPA. Once she is done (guessing September), she will move out and get an apartment by her workplace, and start repaying her loans. She has some savings (probably around $8000), but doesn’t want to touch it (she also babysits about 10 hours a week, $20 an hour). She doesn’t come home drunk or have poker nights, but she isn’t helping around the house, not anymore than the others. I cook her meals (when she’s home) and do her laundry (with everyone else’s) and don’t mind, it’s a short time period. I don’t think either one of us expected her to ever return to the nest!

Not adding to the disarray and confusion is always a positive, though.

Your situation sounds very different than what is being described by the OP... On the surface, it seems that there was some discussion about what was being asked for, how it would play out, timeframe, etc. And she's seemingly at least acting in a responsible manner overall. To me, that would seem like a fair trade-off.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

First of all, one of the things I tend to fail at when my wife is talking to me about a problem is that I tend to look for solutions for her instead of offering my sympathy.

Second, I think a child bringing home friends is different than a spouse doing so. A spouse has more responsibility inside the home, and is part of a partnership. An adult child is more like a boarder at that point. They have their own lives to lead and aren't beholden to the dynamics of a romantic partnership with another person in the house. I don't think it's fair to compare the two situations.

That being said, the women can certainly tell their children to knock if off, if they want to. Apparently they don't.

 

[dish rag]

I don't see any good coming from telling someone how they should run their house.
If these women you know are OK with their situation then that is their business. You don't have to agree with it or like it but since you aren't living there with them you should just keep it all to yourself.

Oh I agree, probably stronger than you seem to, I don't really care at all what others do, but when asked will offer opinions and suggestions, and still in the end don't' care or loose sleep over others. Amazing the assumptions that are made in the dis.

This was simply an observation and discussion that myself and some others, were having. And that is how these mothers would allow their adult sons to act in a manner that they themselves would not put up with a husband acting that way, and in some cases divorced from these behaviors. Thy are in essence raising and allowing adult sons to act in a way that apparently is a way that won't make a good husband, and in some of these cases will make excuses for.

 

[Allison]

It is interesting that you are friends with several people with those same circumstances. I don't have any in that situation much less several.

 

[tvguy]

Or mom is looking for a boy toy among her son's friends.

 

[cabanafrau]

Oh I agree, probably stronger than you seem to, I don't really care at all what others do, but when asked will offer opinions and suggestions, and still in the end don't' care or loose sleep over others. Amazing the assumptions that are made in the dis.

This was simply an observation and discussion that myself and some others, were having. And that is how these mothers would allow their adult sons to act in a manner that they themselves would not put up with a husband acting that way, and in some cases divorced from these behaviors. Thy are in essence raising and allowing adult sons to act in a way that apparently is a way that won't make a good husband, and in some of these cases will make excuses for.

You said the comments were heard by you, but made to your wife. You said you then chose to chime in with your thoughts, which were met with silence. I realize you're trying to suggest your ideas simply couldn't be challenged, but perhaps they were simply unwelcome and therefore inappropriate.

 

[Hikergirl]

Oh I agree, probably stronger than you seem to, I don't really care at all what others do, but when asked will offer opinions and suggestions, and still in the end don't' care or loose sleep over others. Amazing the assumptions that are made in the dis.

This was simply an observation and discussion that myself and some others, were having. And that is how these mothers would allow their adult sons to act in a manner that they themselves would not put up with a husband acting that way, and in some cases divorced from these behaviors. Thy are in essence raising and allowing adult sons to act in a way that apparently is a way that won't make a good husband, and in some of these cases will make excuses for.

From your OP
I have made gentle comments to them that it’s time to have the men move out, or put a stop to that behavior and have them grow up and pitch in. That of course didn’t go over very well.

Well when you post something like this and don't preface it by saying they asked for your opinion on the matter it does leave one with the assumption that you offered unsolicited advice.
As far as what they are allowing, well again that is their business.

 

[Snowflakey]

My DD, 22, still lives at home. Now don't get me wrong - she is amazing, helps out and works full time and pays for all her expenses. I've encouraged her to stay home as long as she can to save money rather than rent and she is doing that! I keep telling her "give it another year or so and you will have close to $100K saved to put down on a house". Thinking back I wish I did that!

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Or mom is looking for a boy toy among her son's friends.

Eww. That's just gross

 

[cabanafrau]

My DD, 22, still lives at home. Now don't get me wrong - she is amazing, helps out and works full time and pays for all her expenses. I've encouraged her to stay home as long as she can to save money rather than rent and she is doing that! I keep telling her "give it another year or so and you will have close to $100K saved to put down on a house". Thinking back I wish I did that!

That's a very traditional idea for some families. Some people have an absolute belief that rent is a waste and that their children should live at home until they can purchase their own home or condo. I've seen very young people turn that to their advantage and manage to either pay cash or take a very small loan for their first purchase and leverage that into making an upgrade purchase within another three to five years, hanging onto the first property as the first piece of their rental property portfolio.

ETA: I realize some might find this challenges their ideas of gender norms, but some of these budding real estate entrepreneurs are female.