If you are a wife that can't function without your DH by your side....

[Lilacs4Me]

Honestly, I'd rather see women not wanting to do things without their husbands than the women who can't do things without a gaggle of other women around them - all acting like they are still 14.

 

[disykat]

OP, I agree with you that their excuses were weird. Weird enough that I would assume they don't want to go and don't consider this friend a close one.

 

[SaintsManiac]

I can function just fine without my husband, thank you very much. HOWEVER, I don't want to go "out" without him. It's much easier and more fun for me if we go out together. He goes to events alone that I am not interested in. I prefer to go to events with him. If I had a friend judging me for it as harshly as you're judging your friends I would be pretty hurt.

I hope they don't find out you think this way about them.

 

[lovesmurfs]

They really are just veiled excuses not to go.

That said, I would caution you about driving a wedge into their relationships with the birthday girl by mentioning anything "offhand" or implying that their excuses were wimpy.

 

[Wendy31]

Actually, OP, from your posts, I gather that you're also upset because, since your DH is busy & can't go, you were hoping to go in a group w/ these other 2 women, &, now that they've said they're not going, you're realizing that, instead of going to your friend's bday party w/ 2 other "single" women, you're having to attend alone.

As a fellow introvert w/ social anxiety, I get it. That scenario would set me into "worry" mode & would probably have me a bit miffed w/ my 2 friends for leaving me to attend alone. Going into a party w/ either your spouse or a friend/friends is much easier than going into a party alone.

I'm one of those women who is perfectly capable of functioning w/o her husband. However, I much prefer to attend social functions w/ him. Due to his work schedule, I often have to attend family functions w/o him, & I hate it. DH is my best friend, & I want to be with him. Events are just more fun w/ him; plus, I have less anxiety if he's w/ me.

And, yes, I often use DH's schedule as an excuse for not attending some events - as an other poster said, it's code for "I don't want to go." LOL! And, again, some people just don't view adult birthday parties w/ the same level of importance as others do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I was also wondering of the comments mentioned in the original post sound more like 'easy out's....
So, that would be a a different story.

For me, for example, if there was some event that was not local.. and my family are not local.. I would def. be dependent on my DH to help get me there and back. If attending the event would be too demanding for me. It wouldn't necessarily be that I can't do anything without DH. But, just the reality and logistics involved!

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, yes, OP, is okay to wonder and put this out there on an anonymous board...
But, I def would not say one thing or get invovled in ANY way.
Sometimes things are just not everyone's business.
Even though many people just don't really get that, and think that everything is somehow their business.

 

[antmaril]

I agree with you. My late husband and I did lots of things separately. I think it is a healthy way to be. I have a good friend who was widowed about 18 months after my husband died. Both of our husbands died from pancreatic cancer. She and her husband did everything together (except work, of course). Once they retired, they were together 24/7. My husband has been gone ten years and her husband almost nine. She still struggles every day. She HATES being alone in her house. She can’t make peace with it. It isn’t that she is depressed. It is just that she wants him back and, of course, that is never going to happen.

I think it is healthier to have some independence. It will serve you well later. Just my two cents, of course.

 

[Hrhpd]

I was being facetious...of course, they go to work without their DH. I am talking about having a life outside of work. They won't attend any event without their spouse. It makes me upset because I know my friend will be upset...she will be sad that two close friends didn't attend her party because of it. I have empathy for her.

Sounds like you have a problem functioning without friends. Care to explain why?

Do you really expect answers the way you worded your original post? No one is going to answer such a condescending question.

Your friends don't owe you an explanation why they are not going. And if this is the way you judge them, you can bet they have picked up on the vibes. Since you have already judged that they can't function without their other halves, their answers to you seem appropriate. They may not be true, but are appropriate for you.

 

[Hrhpd]

I guess I am of a different mindset. I don't think it's perfectly fine because I know they would go if their husbands did! I just think it speaks of your regard for that friendship if you can't take an hour out of your day to celebrate a close friends birthday. I think its' rude and hurtful.

You make a lot of assumptions about other people. I think it is more rude to judge people because they don't act like you want them to.

 

[Hrhpd]

Honestly you sound like a bit of a handful as a friend -- you know their calendars, you know their psyches, you know they're codependent wives unlike yourself, you know the birthday girl will be sad . . .

I'd like to know how often you demand answers for what people are and aren't attending and their reasoning? It's an invitation, not a command, correct?

Wish there was a love button

 

[sunshinehighway]

I agree with you. My late husband and I did lots of things separately. I think it is a healthy way to be. I have a good friend who was widowed about 18 months after my husband died. Both of our husbands died from pancreatic cancer. She and her husband did everything together (except work, of course). Once they retired, they were together 24/7. My husband has been gone ten years and her husband almost nine. She still struggles every day. She HATES being alone in her house. She can’t make peace with it. It isn’t that she is depressed. It is just that she wants him back and, of course, that is never going to happen.

I think it is healthier to have some independence. It will serve you well later. Just my two cents, of course.

I have a relative I worry about ending up in like that. She's become extremely dependent on her husband to a point that I worry about what would become of her if something happened to him.
I think there's a line where the lack of Independence can be unhealthy.
Op, I know you're getting beat up here, you have to expect that with the tone you set. You were clearly irritated and it came off in the post. Here's the thing, if those people annoy you that much, if they have to make up lame excuses instead of just being honest or they can't go to a party without their husbands, whatever it is, who cares. Don't waste your time on people who irritate you.

 

[Skywalker]

I agree OP is making this fraught with drama where there doesn't need to be any. There is a party. Two people can't attend. Life goes on. Resorting to insulting them just because they won't do as you want them to is sign of pretty controlling behaviour. The "birthday girl" probably won't even care that much, because she is 40, not 5.

 

[slpeters]

To me it just sounds like they just don't want to attend.

But as to the larger theme. I will occasionally not attend something because my husband can't attend. It doesn't really have anything to do with dependence--we do plenty on our own.

But, I decided years ago that I just wasn't gong to attend things that I wouldn't enjoy--sure there are funerals and traffic court, but the vast majority of social events that people feel obliged to attend just don't rise to that level. So if I think I will have a good time, I attend, if I don't, I don't. Life's too short and too full of "events" to feel obliged to attend them all. I would pretty much rather do anything with my husband. I enjoy his company, more than pretty much anyone else's company. But many times he can't do things or won't enjoy something so I do it on my own--if I will enjoy it. Many things are right there on the cusp and so often times something would be fun with my husband and not fun without him. That seems pretty normal to me. And we've already covered what I do when invited to things I won't enjoy...

 

[okeydokey]

I know a woman who doesn't do much without her husband, but I think it's because of the husband. He works a traditional job, she does not work outside the home, yet whenever something needs to get done, he takes time off work to do it instead of her taking care of it. For example, she had a fender bender and had to have the car looked at by an appraiser. He took the afternoon off to take the car in. If someone needs to let in a worker to their second rental home, he takes off work and goes and opens the door. I don't know if he is excessively worried about something happening to her or if he just likes to get out of work all the time, but it's strange to me as I am not totally dependent on my husband to do everything for me.

 

[Shanti]

So I don't get above. I don't understand why some women can not function without having their husbands by their side 24/7. For example....a close friend of mine is throwing his wife a surprise party on Saturday for her 40th birthday. My husband already had plans made and can't go, but I said I would be there for sure because she is one of my closest friends- wouldn't miss it. This morning I texted two other close friends (we are all close friends with the birthday girl) and asked what time they were going to the party (it's an open house form 3-10pm). One said she couldn't go because she has to work from 9-12....ok, the party doesn't start until 3 and you have to work 3 hours... The other said she wasn't going because her DH was going to be away. I said, ok....what does that matter- are you busy? She said "no, but I don't want to go without him". ***? This is a party for one of our very close friends....you will know everyone there...you can even ride with me- as I AM GOING ALONE.

I don't get this mentality. I love my DH, he is my best friend...but I can function without him! I am just so upset that two of the birthday girls CLOSE friends are choosing not to attend her party because of lame *** excuses.

So if you can't function without your DH, can you give me a valid reason why? And no, neither of these women have any kind of anxiety or any other mental issues that would render them incompetent on their own.

What I don't get is why some people are naive enough to buy that excuse about the husband being gone.

Just like the first friend, who gave an implausible excuse about work, the second friend is giving an implausible excuse about her husband being gone. That's not the real reason. She (like the first friend) just doesn't feel like going.

Why? Not everyone enjoys going to other adults' birthday parties. It's just a matter of preference, but some people are too tactful to say that. So they'll give an excuse, instead.

I'm personally of the opinion that real birthday parties should only be for pre-teen kids, and that among adults, you shouldn't expect friends to come and pay homage to someone for their birthday.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

One said she couldn't go because she has to work from 9-12....ok, the party doesn't start until 3 and you have to work 3 hours...

Was that 9-12am or 9-12pm? Regardless for a lot of people the weekend becomes the time to run errands so perhaps she just doesn't have any time or thinks it would be more rude to show up and say hi and bye. IDK maybe she doesn't want to go and doesn't want to just out and out say it. Who knows.

what time they were going to the party

I don't ask my friends that type of question. I say "are you going to so and so's party" and if they say they are then I can go ahead with other questions. I've got no idea if they have something else going on. I also don't pry into the reasons why.

____________________________________________

They won't attend any event without their spouse. It makes me upset because I know my friend will be upset...she will be sad that two close friends didn't attend her party because of it. I have empathy for her.

I guess I am of a different mindset. I don't think it's perfectly fine because I know they would go if their husbands did! I just think it speaks of your regard for that friendship if you can't take an hour out of your day to celebrate a close friends birthday. I think its' rude and hurtful.

Like I said in my original post....neither of them are introverts or have social anxiety. They love to party and drink....they just have to have their husbands by their side while they are doing it! I am actually the introvert of the group, and while I hate parties, I am sucking it up because I love my friend more!

Why oh why does this make you so upset. It's really coming off like you're treating this more like a competition over who is the more loyal, loves the friend more, etc. I mean quite honestly let your friend handle it. If she's upset with the other two friends let her deal with it. It's not coming off like you have empathy towards your friend it's coming off like you're just annoyed with the other two friends yourself.

 

[shh]

Enjoyed reading all the different points of view. Very curious - a question for OP: are these two women generally good or caring friends to this woman otherwise? Do they make time to see her at other times - were they ever there for her, to listen to her problems or help her out? To make her laugh when she needed it? Etc?

If no, they're not really her friends anyway: she's better off celebrating without them.

If yes, then it seems the bigger picture view may come into play- it may not be "nice" to ditch a friend's birthday party - I understand your point. But if the person is a good friend overall, you may just want to let it go. We all want to ditch stuff occasionally and just relax. Free time is so precious these days with work, family obligations, etc.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

DW is the work 9-noon, can’t make the party at 3:00 person. 24 years & I still don’t get it, but I’m used to it.

What irks me is she tries to apply the same to me & the kids.

DW: “Oh, you’re working late, then you won’t want to pick DD up from her party. I’ll cancel my plans”.

Me: “Uh, no. I’m working until 6:00, don’t need to pick DD up until 9:00. I’ve got this”.

 

[disykat]

I don't get why people are so upset at OP. Sure, she's a bit irritated and that showed in her wording, but she has every right to wonder why people she thought were friends flat out don't want to go to a party for another person she thought was their friend. It is probably making her rethink whether they have the kind of friendship she thought as well.

I'm not a big party person, but I would make an effort to put in an appearance at a party in honor of a friend. Not for me, but for her. I'd love the open house thing, because I'd know I could leave whenever I wanted to.

I prefer to do things with my DH, but am able to do things without him as well.