My brother

[TeresaBelle]

My younger brother is an alcoholic and I am ashamed of and embarrassed by and so angry at him. I know it’s a disease, but I can’t even wrap my head around the way it makes him act.

I know that there is nothing I can do to make him stop drinking. That he has to hit rock bottom and want to stop. But I feel so guilty about not wanting to be around him or talk to him. Last week, after some horrible fb comments and texts, I finally told him, by text, to please leave me alone, until he’s ready to get help. If he called me to tell me he wants to go to an AA meeting or rehab, I would totally support him.

I guess I just need to vent. I know about al-anon and that kind of help. But I can’t talk about this in a group/public setting, or even one-on-one really, without sobbing to the point of being unintelligible. It makes me so upset. I guess I could go to a meeting and just listen. I do have a best friend that I talk to some. I don’t like to talk my mom about it, because I hate to upset her. She knows he’s an alcoholic, but she doesn't know the extent of the stuff he says on fb, I would hate for her to see that.

These most recent fb comments and texts were about our dad. I had posted on 9/10 (Suicide Awareness day) that I lost my dad in 1988 to suicide, and that 9/11 would be his 65th birthday, and that if you or someone you know was struggling, to please call the hotline. Well, he’s always been angry about our dad’s death (I assume that’s why he drinks??) but to say the awful and hurtful things he said, I can’t forgive him. Most are too vulgar to repeat here, but things like what a loser and a piece of crap he was and that he didn’t care about us or he wouldn’t have done what he did, and I am extremely sugarcoating his words. Then texting me directly saying even worse stuff. He posted and texted more nasty stuff on Sunday and I finally suspended his cell phone service (he’s on my plan). He has a separate cell phone for work, but I hope he wouldn’t use that to harass people. Scratch that, he started texting me from his work phone last night! Nothing too vulgar, just that I was making it harder for Mama to reach him, and to disconnect it, he doesn’t want it, he’s found something better. Then he added that he hadn’t had a beer in 20 days. Which I cannot believe.

He’s 41 years old. He’s been an alcoholic since about his mid-twenties. For the last year or so, he’s been getting worse. Alienating family members one by one. I guess it's my turn. When he’s drunk, he has absolutely no filter and says (or types) the meanest vilest things you’ve ever heard! We’ve asked him to go to AA. He said those meetings just make him want to drink more. My nephew, his 22 year old son, had to move out early this year, because he just couldn’t take it anymore.

My brother works, I don’t know how. As I believe he drinks all night, based on the times he’s posting and commenting on fb. My worst fear is that he will commit suicide (not that he’s not already drinking himself to death), even though he HATES our father for doing the same. He told us, about 8 years ago, while drunk, that he wakes up every morning and has to decide between going to work or going in the bathroom and blowing his head off! It scares me to death, because I know he owns at least one handgun. I asked him about it the next morning, asked why he felt like that? He said he doesn’t know and changed the subject. He won’t listen to anyone. He won’t even consider therapy. Even when he’s sober.

He lives about 3 hours away from us, so we don’t see him very often. The last two times he visited for the weekend, he didn’t drink. I think he thinks if he can go two days without drinking, he’s not an alcoholic. We have a family gathering coming up in a couple of weeks and I almost don’t want him to come. I don’t think I could even look at him, after the things he said. Plus Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know a few of my aunts, uncles and cousins feel the same, like I said, it’s like he’s alienating his entire family. We had a memorial picnic for my aunt who passed away in April, and he got drunk and tried to pick fights with a couple of my cousin’s friends. My cousin who’d just lost her mother, who’s friends were there to support her, and he acts like that!

If anyone has experience with an alcoholic sibling, how do/did you cope? How can you love your brother, but not like him?? I told my mom on Sunday, that I was done with him! But I can’t be done with my brother. Can I?

 

[cabanafrau]

He's been unstable for years, you know he owns a gun -- have you forwarded any of these texts or social media postings to law enforcement? The best thing in the world may be for him to be declared a danger to himself and/or others and placed in treatment. At the very least he should not own or possess firearms. Quite frankly it sounds as if his struggles go far beyond alcohol dependency and it may well be that he's suffering from mental illness and self medicating with booze.

You can't fix it, but you can see to it that it's harder for him to be a danger to himself or others.

 

[Searc]

My younger brother is an alcoholic and I am ashamed of and embarrassed by and so angry at him. I know it’s a disease, but I can’t even wrap my head around the way it makes him act.

I know that there is nothing I can do to make him stop drinking. That he has to hit rock bottom and want to stop. But I feel so guilty about not wanting to be around him or talk to him. Last week, after some horrible fb comments and texts, I finally told him, by text, to please leave me alone, until he’s ready to get help. If he called me to tell me he wants to go to an AA meeting or rehab, I would totally support him.

I guess I just need to vent. I know about al-anon and that kind of help. But I can’t talk about this in a group/public setting, or even one-on-one really, without sobbing to the point of being unintelligible. It makes me so upset. I guess I could go to a meeting and just listen. I do have a best friend that I talk to some. I don’t like to talk my mom about it, because I hate to upset her. She knows he’s an alcoholic, but she doesn't know the extent of the stuff he says on fb, I would hate for her to see that.

These most recent fb comments and texts were about our dad. I had posted on 9/10 (Suicide Awareness day) that I lost my dad in 1988 to suicide, and that 9/11 would be his 65th birthday, and that if you or someone you know was struggling, to please call the hotline. Well, he’s always been angry about our dad’s death (I assume that’s why he drinks??) but to say the awful and hurtful things he said, I can’t forgive him. Most are too vulgar to repeat here, but things like what a loser and a piece of crap he was and that he didn’t care about us or he wouldn’t have done what he did, and I am extremely sugarcoating his words. Then texting me directly saying even worse stuff. He posted and texted more nasty stuff on Sunday and I finally suspended his cell phone service (he’s on my plan). He has a separate cell phone for work, but I hope he wouldn’t use that to harass people. Scratch that, he started texting me from his work phone last night! Nothing too vulgar, just that I was making it harder for Mama to reach him, and to disconnect it, he doesn’t want it, he’s found something better. Then he added that he hadn’t had a beer in 20 days. Which I cannot believe.

He’s 41 years old. He’s been an alcoholic since about his mid-twenties. For the last year or so, he’s been getting worse. Alienating family members one by one. I guess it's my turn. When he’s drunk, he has absolutely no filter and says (or types) the meanest vilest things you’ve ever heard! We’ve asked him to go to AA. He said those meetings just make him want to drink more. My nephew, his 22 year old son, had to move out early this year, because he just couldn’t take it anymore.

My brother works, I don’t know how. As I believe he drinks all night, based on the times he’s posting and commenting on fb. My worst fear is that he will commit suicide (not that he’s not already drinking himself to death), even though he HATES our father for doing the same. He told us, about 8 years ago, while drunk, that he wakes up every morning and has to decide between going to work or going in the bathroom and blowing his head off! It scares me to death, because I know he owns at least one handgun. I asked him about it the next morning, asked why he felt like that? He said he doesn’t know and changed the subject. He won’t listen to anyone. He won’t even consider therapy. Even when he’s sober.

He lives about 3 hours away from us, so we don’t see him very often. The last two times he visited for the weekend, he didn’t drink. I think he thinks if he can go two days without drinking, he’s not an alcoholic. We have a family gathering coming up in a couple of weeks and I almost don’t want him to come. I don’t think I could even look at him, after the things he said. Plus Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know a few of my aunts, uncles and cousins feel the same, like I said, it’s like he’s alienating his entire family. We had a memorial picnic for my aunt who passed away in April, and he got drunk and tried to pick fights with a couple of my cousin’s friends. My cousin who’d just lost her mother, who’s friends were there to support her, and he acts like that!

If anyone has experience with an alcoholic sibling, how do/did you cope? How can you love your brother, but not like him?? I told my mom on Sunday, that I was done with him! But I can’t be done with my brother. Can I?

Yes. Yes, for your own well-being, it is ok to be done with your brother. For others reading, it is ok to be done with friends/family/etc who are toxic to your life. Give yourself permission to put your own well-being above others who don't care about you.

 

[RangerPooh]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know that it's rough, and sometimes you have to do what's best for you when they don;t want to listen, or don;t want to change.

My brother has had his own battles with PTSD, alcohol consumption, and addiction to painkillers. He's been in and out of rehabs multiple times. He'll find ways to get clean then his wife whom he's separated from brings him back in. I think that my dad is the only one who communicates with him regularly. I've encouraged him to move away from where he currently is and out our way but he refuses. I pretty much cut him off about ten years ago. If I'm lucky I'll get two texts a year from him. This year I've gotten zero, not even after both our grandparents died. He doesn't want my help unless it's financial. I encourage my parents to stop sending him money but they continue to do so.

Good luck with what happens. It's a frustrating road.

 

[wenrob]

My younger brother is an alcoholic and I am ashamed of and embarrassed by and so angry at him. I know it’s a disease, but I can’t even wrap my head around the way it makes him act.

I know that there is nothing I can do to make him stop drinking. That he has to hit rock bottom and want to stop. But I feel so guilty about not wanting to be around him or talk to him. Last week, after some horrible fb comments and texts, I finally told him, by text, to please leave me alone, until he’s ready to get help. If he called me to tell me he wants to go to an AA meeting or rehab, I would totally support him.

I guess I just need to vent. I know about al-anon and that kind of help. But I can’t talk about this in a group/public setting, or even one-on-one really, without sobbing to the point of being unintelligible. It makes me so upset. I guess I could go to a meeting and just listen. I do have a best friend that I talk to some. I don’t like to talk my mom about it, because I hate to upset her. She knows he’s an alcoholic, but she doesn't know the extent of the stuff he says on fb, I would hate for her to see that.

These most recent fb comments and texts were about our dad. I had posted on 9/10 (Suicide Awareness day) that I lost my dad in 1988 to suicide, and that 9/11 would be his 65th birthday, and that if you or someone you know was struggling, to please call the hotline. Well, he’s always been angry about our dad’s death (I assume that’s why he drinks??) but to say the awful and hurtful things he said, I can’t forgive him. Most are too vulgar to repeat here, but things like what a loser and a piece of crap he was and that he didn’t care about us or he wouldn’t have done what he did, and I am extremely sugarcoating his words. Then texting me directly saying even worse stuff. He posted and texted more nasty stuff on Sunday and I finally suspended his cell phone service (he’s on my plan). He has a separate cell phone for work, but I hope he wouldn’t use that to harass people. Scratch that, he started texting me from his work phone last night! Nothing too vulgar, just that I was making it harder for Mama to reach him, and to disconnect it, he doesn’t want it, he’s found something better. Then he added that he hadn’t had a beer in 20 days. Which I cannot believe.

He’s 41 years old. He’s been an alcoholic since about his mid-twenties. For the last year or so, he’s been getting worse. Alienating family members one by one. I guess it's my turn. When he’s drunk, he has absolutely no filter and says (or types) the meanest vilest things you’ve ever heard! We’ve asked him to go to AA. He said those meetings just make him want to drink more. My nephew, his 22 year old son, had to move out early this year, because he just couldn’t take it anymore.

My brother works, I don’t know how. As I believe he drinks all night, based on the times he’s posting and commenting on fb. My worst fear is that he will commit suicide (not that he’s not already drinking himself to death), even though he HATES our father for doing the same. He told us, about 8 years ago, while drunk, that he wakes up every morning and has to decide between going to work or going in the bathroom and blowing his head off! It scares me to death, because I know he owns at least one handgun. I asked him about it the next morning, asked why he felt like that? He said he doesn’t know and changed the subject. He won’t listen to anyone. He won’t even consider therapy. Even when he’s sober.

He lives about 3 hours away from us, so we don’t see him very often. The last two times he visited for the weekend, he didn’t drink. I think he thinks if he can go two days without drinking, he’s not an alcoholic. We have a family gathering coming up in a couple of weeks and I almost don’t want him to come. I don’t think I could even look at him, after the things he said. Plus Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know a few of my aunts, uncles and cousins feel the same, like I said, it’s like he’s alienating his entire family. We had a memorial picnic for my aunt who passed away in April, and he got drunk and tried to pick fights with a couple of my cousin’s friends. My cousin who’d just lost her mother, who’s friends were there to support her, and he acts like that!

If anyone has experience with an alcoholic sibling, how do/did you cope? How can you love your brother, but not like him?? I told my mom on Sunday, that I was done with him! But I can’t be done with my brother. Can I?

I’m very sorry.

I am in the midst of something similar. I have twisted myself up for months trying help and make things right for them but have found myself being emotionally abused for my efforts. Then one day my husband said, “You know they’re holding us all hostage right?” It was like someone hit me with a sledgehammer. I decided to just step away from the whole situation. I will never give up and I will always be here but I can’t sacrifice my own well being. When they’re ready, I’ll be here.

All I can tell you is that in situations like this you have to learn to take care of yourself. They may be hell bent on destroying things but that doesn’t mean you have to let them. You can love someone without letting them swallow you whole. Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Block his number, block him on FB if that’s what you need to do. He knows where to find you when he’s ready.

 

[Eeyore daily]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My brother is probably an alcoholic too and my boyfriend is a recovering one so I understand the struggle. Like you said, you have to wait until they want to get help you can't force it. Avoiding contact is probably the best thing to do for your sanity even though it's hard but you can't save him if he doesn't want the help.

 

[diznygirl]

I’ve been done with my brother for years. I don’t live close, so it’s been easy. It’s just my mom who has to deal with him. His actions caused this, so I don’t feel any guilt. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Walk away. It's ok to be done with him. Hugs.

 

[TeresaBelle]

He's been unstable for years, you know he owns a gun -- have you forwarded any of these texts or social media postings to law enforcement? The best thing in the world may be for him to be declared a danger to himself and/or others and placed in treatment. At the very least he should not own or possess firearms. Quite frankly it sounds as if his struggles go far beyond alcohol dependency and it may well be that he's suffering from mental illness and self medicating with booze.

You can't fix it, but you can see to it that it's harder for him to be a danger to himself or others.

I've not involved law enforcement, as I don't think they would be able to do anything. His posts and texts, while mean and hurtful, are not threatening. And the suicide comment was made 8 years ago.

I agree he probably does have an undiagnosed mental illness, maybe PTSD from losing his dad at 10 years old to suicide?? I've looked into dual diagnosis treatment in his area. I thought about printing some brochures and mailing them to him. But I know I can't make him read them. Or call the number.

 

[Searc]

He's been unstable for years, you know he owns a gun -- have you forwarded any of these texts or social media postings to law enforcement? The best thing in the world may be for him to be declared a danger to himself and/or others and placed in treatment. At the very least he should not own or possess firearms. Quite frankly it sounds as if his struggles go far beyond alcohol dependency and it may well be that he's suffering from mental illness and self medicating with booze.

You can't fix it, but you can see to it that it's harder for him to be a danger to himself or others.

One statement made 8 years ago doesn't mean he's a danger to himself or others. Being an alcoholic buttwipe isn't the bar for contacting police. If it was, a whole lot of people in WI would be in jail.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

My younger brother is an alcoholic and I am ashamed of and embarrassed by and so angry at him. I know it’s a disease, but I can’t even wrap my head around the way it makes him act.

I know that there is nothing I can do to make him stop drinking. That he has to hit rock bottom and want to stop. But I feel so guilty about not wanting to be around him or talk to him. Last week, after some horrible fb comments and texts, I finally told him, by text, to please leave me alone, until he’s ready to get help. If he called me to tell me he wants to go to an AA meeting or rehab, I would totally support him.

I guess I just need to vent. I know about al-anon and that kind of help. But I can’t talk about this in a group/public setting, or even one-on-one really, without sobbing to the point of being unintelligible. It makes me so upset. I guess I could go to a meeting and just listen. I do have a best friend that I talk to some. I don’t like to talk my mom about it, because I hate to upset her. She knows he’s an alcoholic, but she doesn't know the extent of the stuff he says on fb, I would hate for her to see that.

These most recent fb comments and texts were about our dad. I had posted on 9/10 (Suicide Awareness day) that I lost my dad in 1988 to suicide, and that 9/11 would be his 65th birthday, and that if you or someone you know was struggling, to please call the hotline. Well, he’s always been angry about our dad’s death (I assume that’s why he drinks??) but to say the awful and hurtful things he said, I can’t forgive him. Most are too vulgar to repeat here, but things like what a loser and a piece of crap he was and that he didn’t care about us or he wouldn’t have done what he did, and I am extremely sugarcoating his words. Then texting me directly saying even worse stuff. He posted and texted more nasty stuff on Sunday and I finally suspended his cell phone service (he’s on my plan). He has a separate cell phone for work, but I hope he wouldn’t use that to harass people. Scratch that, he started texting me from his work phone last night! Nothing too vulgar, just that I was making it harder for Mama to reach him, and to disconnect it, he doesn’t want it, he’s found something better. Then he added that he hadn’t had a beer in 20 days. Which I cannot believe.

He’s 41 years old. He’s been an alcoholic since about his mid-twenties. For the last year or so, he’s been getting worse. Alienating family members one by one. I guess it's my turn. When he’s drunk, he has absolutely no filter and says (or types) the meanest vilest things you’ve ever heard! We’ve asked him to go to AA. He said those meetings just make him want to drink more. My nephew, his 22 year old son, had to move out early this year, because he just couldn’t take it anymore.

My brother works, I don’t know how. As I believe he drinks all night, based on the times he’s posting and commenting on fb. My worst fear is that he will commit suicide (not that he’s not already drinking himself to death), even though he HATES our father for doing the same. He told us, about 8 years ago, while drunk, that he wakes up every morning and has to decide between going to work or going in the bathroom and blowing his head off! It scares me to death, because I know he owns at least one handgun. I asked him about it the next morning, asked why he felt like that? He said he doesn’t know and changed the subject. He won’t listen to anyone. He won’t even consider therapy. Even when he’s sober.

He lives about 3 hours away from us, so we don’t see him very often. The last two times he visited for the weekend, he didn’t drink. I think he thinks if he can go two days without drinking, he’s not an alcoholic. We have a family gathering coming up in a couple of weeks and I almost don’t want him to come. I don’t think I could even look at him, after the things he said. Plus Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know a few of my aunts, uncles and cousins feel the same, like I said, it’s like he’s alienating his entire family. We had a memorial picnic for my aunt who passed away in April, and he got drunk and tried to pick fights with a couple of my cousin’s friends. My cousin who’d just lost her mother, who’s friends were there to support her, and he acts like that!

If anyone has experience with an alcoholic sibling, how do/did you cope? How can you love your brother, but not like him?? I told my mom on Sunday, that I was done with him! But I can’t be done with my brother. Can I?

My 2nd oldest sister was an alcoholic and drug user. She died of cirrhosis over 20 years ago. I stopped talking to her about 3 years before she died. She made the choice to continue on her path, and I made the choice that my kids didn't need to have that in their lives. It hurt me, yes, but I couldn't let her....normalize, I guess is the word...the drug and alcohol use, to my kids. Bad enough she did it to her son.

I also don't talk to my eldest sister, but that is because of something she personally did, when I was a child. That one hurts less, because of the situation.

You can love someone, and be done with them.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

Sometimes you have to let go of a toxic relative so you don't get pulled down with them. I have seen firsthand what a sibling's drug and alcohol use can do to the other sibling, to the point where they *had* to let go even if it meant never seeing that sibling again. I wish I could tell you that this story had a happy ending but it so often doesn't. It's best not to pick up another person's stones and put them in your own pockets, family *doesn't* mean sticking by someone to the point where they make you physically and mentally sick.

 

[Floridaman999]

I've eliminated toxic family and/or friends from my life and the amount of pressure it relieved from my shoulders made it worth it a dozen times over.

 

[cabanafrau]

I've not involved law enforcement, as I don't think they would be able to do anything. His posts and texts, while mean and hurtful, are not threatening. And the suicide comment was made 8 years ago.

I agree he probably does have an undiagnosed mental illness, maybe PTSD from losing his dad at 10 years old to suicide?? I've looked into dual diagnosis treatment in his area. I thought about printing some brochures and mailing them to him. But I know I can't make him read them. Or call the number.

I see. You mentioned the suicide threat, the gun and the awful texts and messages and I assumed it was a continuing theme.

There may be a correlation between issues your brother has and your father's death, that's not an easy thing to go through. Mental illness isn't shameful and someone doesn't need a reason to have it. Not sure sending him info about treatment will help, but I don't know that it could hurt.

One statement made 8 years ago doesn't mean he's a danger to himself or others. Being an alcoholic buttwipe isn't the bar for contacting police. If it was, a whole lot of people in WI would be in jail.

In MI alcoholic buttwipes don't have to go to a special bar to contact police.

 

[ImDMous]

We had to 'be done with' DH's mother for much the same reason. Life long substance abuse that she had no desire to stop. We knew all her tricks and manipulation and just decided we were finished being used by her. She died of an overdose a few years ago and we helped his brother clean out her apartment. Then had to watch his younger sister follow in her footsteps. It's not easy, but you have to do what you need to preserve your sanity and your own family. You'll always feel like you should be doing more, but you have to understand they are counting on your sense of duty to get what they want (usually money in our case) so you aren't actually helping anyone.

 

[Searc]

I see. You mentioned the suicide threat, the gun and the awful texts and messages and I assumed it was a continuing theme.

There may be a correlation between issues your brother has and your father's death, that's not an easy thing to go through. Mental illness isn't shameful and someone doesn't need a reason to have it. Not sure sending him info about treatment will help, but I don't know that it could hurt.

In MI alcoholic buttwipes don't have to go to a special bar to contact police.

Being deliberately obtuse?

 

[barkley]

If anyone has experience with an alcoholic sibling, how do/did you cope? How can you love your brother, but not like him?? I told my mom on Sunday, that I was done with him! But I can’t be done with my brother. Can I?

i loved my brother but did not like him. drugs and (undiagnosed) sociopathic behaviors were his issues. i dealt with it for decades, in large part b/c my mom never made him accountable/financially responsible for himself so if he wasn't married or involved with a woman who did he lived with her (after my dad passed in '80) on and off for decades-culminating in illegally living in her assisted living facility room (she sold the house in attempt to rid herself of him but when he came asking at the door of her assisted living place she snuck him in and hid him for years).

i cut off contact with him for periods of time over the years but b/c of the mom dynamic it was impossible if we wanted to see her. when she passed in '11 i cut off all contact after he tried to manipulate me like he did my mom (when i said 'no' it resulted in a threat of death which i reported to authorities-he didn't try that again).

my brother passed in '17 (coroner notification to us). i can honestly say the last 6 years of his life were the most peaceful of mine. i did'nt have to try and protect my kids from his comments/actions, didn't have him setting a c... example of how people should behave/treat others.

yes, i loved my brother but i did not like him. i simply decided i would not accept behavior from a sibling that i would find unacceptable in a non sibling. blood ties do not mandate a relationship.


good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[abdmom]

I had an alcoholic mother and a son whose dad died when he was 10.

In my grief groups, boys who lose their father around that age have an especially hard time. If your brother didn't get counseling, yes, he may have PTSD or some other diagnosis. It took my son years to recover, with counseling and lots of support,. Over a decade later, it still affects him. And his father did not die by suicide. I can imagine that your brother feels betrayed and abandoned in addition to grief.

Your brother could probably benefit from counseling, but no one can make him go.

My mother had been an alcoholic, and a generally nasty person as long as I can remember. I did cut her off to an extent. I rarely called or returned her calls. I lived far away for about 20 years. When she died, I felt nothing. I had never had a real mother, so there was nothing left to mourn.

 

[TeresaBelle]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm sorry so many of you have dealt with similar issues.

 

[SteveH]

@TeresaBelle I've had an on going issue with my brother since, well forever. I will say my brother has issues, but he's never done anything to hurt himself or my family. But about 14 years ago I chose to break off communications with him completely. It was after the passing of our Father, and our mom had already passed. He had tried to use them as an ATM for years and thankfully they both kept records. But I digress. It's very hard to push away from family, but I chose the safety of my kids above my brother and I have zero regrets, well I take that back I do miss him, but I don't need the games and manipulation in my life. You know they say every family has that one "crazy" member, since it was just the two of us it was a 50/50 chance. I've never lost a bet of who has the craziest brother, not when I can tell stories about Nazi time travel, aliens, being Marilyn/JFKs love child and the list goes on and on.

You have to do what is right for YOU at some point. In my case I decided that I would not have chosen to be a friend of my brother or want him in my life if I we weren't brothers so once I got over that it was easier to say enough... and walked away.

I wish you all the best in your situation. You are not alone.