No wedding thank you ~ WWYD?

[barkley]

Yep, totally. They get thrown away, just like thank you notes. Greeting cards are the same thing. The whole practice is wasteful, now that you can send things electronically.

i get your position but i have to say that i treasure the cards my kids gave me with their barely legible writing from 20 odd years ago, and i get teary when i read the cards my grandparents and parents exchanged with each other dating back to 90 years ago. i get that electronic communication is the way things are done now but there's something to be said for the tactile experience of holding a card someone took the time to pick out, write a personal note in and sign their name to (often times with wedding thank you's-the first time with their new chosen couple's name).


yup, i'm a sappy sentimentalist.

 

[Christine]

Off topic but I don’t even like the photo Christmas cards. Got one from a relative with a picture of the 2 of them (they are in their 60s) & their 2 kids who are in their 30s. I don’t get it

I got a few of those also. I don't keep *anything* but I feel so guilty throwing them out (but I do).

 

[Toolulu22]

We went to a wedding a few years ago (a cousin of my DH) and never received a thank you for our cash gift or the personalized gift that we had made for them. For a few years prior to the wedding we started receiving Christmas cards from the couple (though we didn't know her, and didn't get together with them socially) but we thought it was a sweet thing. After the wedding, no thank you and no holiday cards. Mind you, no other family members besides my MIL attended the wedding (large family and I don't know the what's what).

To this day we joke about how they just sent us cards to get us to come to the wedding. So bizarre.

I agree with PP who say that a Thank You is appropriate for a wedding or any larger gift for that matter, and not just a quickie thank you at the wedding. If you go through the steps involved in planning a wedding, you have done enough research and people around you to know that its the right thing to do. Being your wedding (or birthday or whatever) doesn't mean you stop showing appreciation to others.

 

[skyblue17]

There is no "take a year to send thank you's". If you aren't going to bother sending them out, tell people no gifts.

On the other hand, if you're only giving a gift to be eventually noticed for it, don't bother giving a gift, since apparently they won't notice if you don't!

 

[sam_gordon]

So let's think of the things that could have happened to give us this result...

1) The couple received the gift but made a conscious decision not to do a thank you.
2) The couple received the gift but haven't done the Thank you (but will)
3) The couple received the gift, meant to do the Thank You, but forgot.
4) The couple received the gift, but couldn't read the writing on who it was from.
5) The couple never received the gift (it got lost).
6) The couple never received the gift (it got stolen).

ETA: As far as what I would do? The answer is nothing. Under any of the above, I don't have access to the money. If it's 1-4, the couple has the money and they can spend it on what they want. If it's 5-6, I think it's a shame they didn't get the gift I wanted to give them, but I'll never know. At least if it had been a check, I could find out if it cleared.

 

[TulipMom]

I don't want it to seem like I'm saying "your bratty daughter hasn't sent us a thank you, why not?!" kind of thing.

That is 100% how you will come across if you ask them about it. Definitely let it go. They almost certainly got the money and there are no shortage of reasons why you may have not received a thank you yet (or ever).

I am a girl with monogrammed stationery who loves to send and receive letters. My kids even have their own monogrammed thank you notes with their own return address stamp. I'm into thank yous. But, I think asking if they received the gift is *almost* as tacky as the receiver not sending a thank you.

 

[Christine]

So let's think of the things that could have happened to give us this result...

1) The couple received the gift but made a conscious decision not to do a thank you.
2) The couple received the gift but haven't done the Thank you (but will)
3) The couple received the gift, meant to do the Thank You, but forgot.
4) The couple received the gift, but couldn't read the writing on who it was from.
5) The couple never received the gift (it got lost).
6) The couple never received the gift (it got stolen).

I think one of the unsaid concerns here, for those of us that worry about these things and just aren't "out to be noticed" is the offhand chance that the couple thinks you came to their wedding and didn't show up with a gift at all. Weddings certainly don't demand a gift, but we all know that it's customary to bring one. That could be changing. I got married in the 80s and I don't recall it being a thing NOT to bring a gift. My wedding was very large, lots of guests, and before the days where people shipped things to your home with ease. We had a big gift table because people did more gifts rather than money, and we had a card box. The next day, with a crew of people, my DH and I opened the gifts and everything was cross-checked against the guest list so that we could make sure that nothing was lost or whatever (as I said the reception was quite busy) and I made a specific list of what each person brought so I could personalize my thank yous. We had one guest that had no gift and this was not a person that you would ever think would NOT bring a gift. It was a friend of my parents, not someone close to me. I didn't know what to do and I certainly didn't want to ask her if she brought something and it was missing, but I would have loved if she had approached me about it if she didn't receive anything from me. I've always wondered about it, but I sent her a note anyway and thanked her for coming and hoped if there was a missing gift that the acknowledgement somehow covered it.

So, yeah I'm always concerned with #5 or #6. I like to write a check and if it's cashed then I don't worry about it, and move on. I've only had once instance where I was never thanked and that was by my cousin and his wife. Sent them baby gifts through the mail also and never know to this day if they were received. But whatever, I wanted to do it and I don't care. I guess I worry to much about things getting lost or misplaced.

 

[NYCgrrl]

What's a personal souvenir box? I've never heard this term. Curious.

It's a box (or in the case of my mother who left this earth in her 90s, several) that you retain keepsakes in. When Mom passed I found every report card, communion card, original birth certificate, award, Mothers' Day and birthday card etc. any of her children recieved or gave her. It was a joyous task going through them and each of my sisters and I received anything back that pertained to us. I kept one of my first pair of shoes, my christening cap, and several cards I gave her and trashed the rest. No idea what my sisters kept but that's what makes it personal.

PS- When we acted up, Mom, frequently told us she hadn't paid our hospital bill for being born and could always send us back but but not true. I found my youngest sister's invoice marked "Paid in Full" thus putting the lie to her sisters constantly telling her she was found in a trash can...

Oh and I also found my parents' divorce decree which stated that father was not allowed to marry again w/o permission of the state Supreme Court. So glad someone else thought he was as wicked as his children felt.

 

[kaytieeldr]

That's not accurate. Wedding guests have a year to give a gift but thank you notes are supposed to go out within three months or sooner if possible...this is according to Emily Post.

This https://www.loveandlavender.com/2017/05/wedding-thank-you-card-etiquette/ blogger agrees. Interesting reading

 

[sam_gordon]

I think one of the unsaid concerns here, for those of us that worry about these things and just aren't "out to be noticed" is the offhand chance that the couple thinks you came to their wedding and didn't show up with a gift at all. Weddings certainly don't demand a gift, but we all know that it's customary to bring one. That could be changing. I got married in the 80s and I don't recall it being a thing NOT to bring a gift. My wedding was very large, lots of guests, and before the days where people shipped things to your home with ease. We had a big gift table because people did more gifts rather than money, and we had a card box. The next day, with a crew of people, my DH and I opened the gifts and everything was cross-checked against the guest list so that we could make sure that nothing was lost or whatever (as I said the reception was quite busy) and I made a specific list of what each person brought so I could personalize my thank yous. We had one guest that had no gift and this was not a person that you would ever think would NOT bring a gift. It was a friend of my parents, not someone close to me. I didn't know what to do and I certainly didn't want to ask her if she brought something and it was missing, but I would have loved if she had approached me about it if she didn't receive anything from me. I've always wondered about it, but I sent her a note anyway and thanked her for coming and hoped if there was a missing gift that the acknowledgement somehow covered it.

So, yeah I'm always concerned with #5 or #6. I like to write a check and if it's cashed then I don't worry about it, and move on. I've only had once instance where I was never thanked and that was by my cousin and his wife. Sent them baby gifts through the mail also and never know to this day if they were received. But whatever, I wanted to do it and I don't care. I guess I worry to much about things getting lost or misplaced.

I got married in the 90s and we absolutely did not cross reference who came to the wedding vs who got us a gift. As you mentioned, you're not going to ask someone "did you give me a gift?"

To me, it all comes down to the bolded. Give the gift you want to give with no desire for acknowledgement. If you get one, great. If not, so be it.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I send thank you texts nowadays, when I get a gift or my kids do, from a relative or friend.

Fine for a personal gift. The wedding guest likely RSVPed to the invitation, went to the effort of reviewing the bridal registry, purchased something from that registry, possibly made arrangements and went to the expense of traveling to and staying at the wedding location. That all reserves more consideration and effort than a quick text.

Fixed this for you: Never did subscribe to "Emily Post" style etiquette "rules good manners and polite, considerate behavior.

Never did subscribe to "Emily Post" style etiquette "rules"

 

[kaytieeldr]

thus putting the lie to her sisters constantly telling her she was found in a trash can...

My brother had his son convinced that our sister wasn't related to us; that my parents were driving in Boston, and she fell off the Arthur Fiedler Footbridge (way before it was named that) and right in through the open car window!

 

[Searc]

Personalized thank you cards don't have to take more than three months if it's important to the couple. We got ours done in about 4-5 weeks.

Agreed. Our thank you's were our first priority and were finished within a couple weeks.

 

[mousefan73]

Etiquette says the bride and groom have a year to send out thank you notes.
I wouldn't worry quite yet .

We always laughed/ wondered about that rule. Is it to make sure the marriage sets?? Give it a year before you know the gifts are to stay lol.

 

[sam_gordon]

.

 

[Searc]

Well that is horrible & so sad. But I assume in the OP’s case, she probably would have heard something from the neighbor if something awful like that had happened.

When I put a card in the box, I believe it was recieved. Truely don’t care if I get a thank you or not. Just 1 more piece of paper to trash. I really don’t like the preprinted photo cards that are so popular now. No personalization at all. I really am not saving photo cards of someone else’s wedding or their kids so what a waste of money.

Off topic but I don’t even like the photo Christmas cards. Got one from a relative with a picture of the 2 of them (they are in their 60s) & their 2 kids who are in their 30s. I don’t get it

I am the OP.

 

[Searc]

i get your position but i have to say that i treasure the cards my kids gave me with their barely legible writing from 20 odd years ago, and i get teary when i read the cards my grandparents and parents exchanged with each other dating back to 90 years ago. i get that electronic communication is the way things are done now but there's something to be said for the tactile experience of holding a card someone took the time to pick out, write a personal note in and sign their name to (often times with wedding thank you's-the first time with their new chosen couple's name).


yup, i'm a sappy sentimentalist.

DH and I ran across the letters we sent each other the summer of our wedding (we were separated geographically for the summer). He insisted we stop and read some of them. I can't imagine not having anything in the future to hold and look at about the people that came before me.

 

[Searc]

On the other hand, if you're only giving a gift to be eventually noticed for it, don't bother giving a gift, since apparently they won't notice if you don't!

If I was only giving a gift to get a thank you, I wouldn't have attended or given a gift in the first place.

 

[Searc]

So let's think of the things that could have happened to give us this result...

1) The couple received the gift but made a conscious decision not to do a thank you.
2) The couple received the gift but haven't done the Thank you (but will)
3) The couple received the gift, meant to do the Thank You, but forgot.
4) The couple received the gift, but couldn't read the writing on who it was from.
5) The couple never received the gift (it got lost).
6) The couple never received the gift (it got stolen).

ETA: As far as what I would do? The answer is nothing. Under any of the above, I don't have access to the money. If it's 1-4, the couple has the money and they can spend it on what they want. If it's 5-6, I think it's a shame they didn't get the gift I wanted to give them, but I'll never know. At least if it had been a check, I could find out if it cleared.

You can definitely rule out number 4. I have impeccable penmanship and it was cash.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

DH and I ran across the letters we sent each other the summer of our wedding (we were separated geographically for the summer). He insisted we stop and read some of them. I can't imagine not having anything in the future to hold and look at about the people that came before me.

My husband doesn't see too much point in keeping things like that or greeting cards..one day though down the road he might just be thankful that I've kept all that stuff to the best of my ability

Especially the love letters from before we were married and how at a certain point I started labeling what year the cards were given so you can see the progression and look back on.