Parenting a 19 year old in College. Help

[QueenIsabella]

I'm probably the only one here who has actually met several of my DD19's college friends. It's only because she lives on campus, but goes to school locally. She stops by now and then, sometimes with friends in tow--less this year than last year, which is to be expected. And she hosted a pool party here last year, and is talking about doing that again in a few weeks (pool is heated and it's warm enough here). Sometimes she and her friends miss their pets, so they come here for dog and cat cuddles.

I'm also on campus 5 days a week, because my youngest is taking a class and doesn't have his driver's license. I visited DD a couple times last semester, at her apartment. This semester, his class is at 8am, so she's not interested in a Mom visit! I don't blame her!

Mine is an outlier situation, though.

 

[sam_gordon]

I agree that Spring Break Trips, where underage "Adults" get together for a week unsurpervised, are ALWAYS a bad idea.

Totally disagree with that.

 

[mjkacmom]

Totally disagree with that.

I’m with you, and they are adults doing the same stuff on trips that they do at college. My 20 year old has road-tripped many times from college, mostly to other colleges or cities to go to concerts.

 

[mumto3girls]

OP there are a lot of us across the country in the throes of spring break worry right now so you are not alone. Mine were not extreme this year, but I have definitely been in your shoes worrying about the absolute worst case scenario. I try to remind myself that I have raised them pretty well, that I can’t control everything about their lives anymore and we/they can handle most things.

One thing that helps me is to just have an honest talk about my concerns for them. Generally that comes down to safety—drinking, driving, drinking & driving, and crime. I do ask about how they plan to handle those things which at least gets them thinking about it. I remind them to keep their insurance card with them.

I also remind them that I want them to have fun, to make great memories, enjoy their friends etc, I just want them to come home in one piece. And I tell them they can always call and we will figure it out.

Oldest DD just returned from her spring break to New Orleans last night. She’s a senior in college and has traveled extensively with school groups and friends over the last few years—much of it international. I had some concerns about crime but as soon as I mentioned it she told me exactly how they were handling safety and I realized they had done their homework and told her to have fun and call if she needed anything. She sent pics every evening of the day’s highlights. Very little worry.

Middle DD is just heading into her first spring break but her boyfriend’s break is just about over so she is not going anywhere but will probably visit him a few times (he is about an hour from home). She did a “senior trip” last year after high school graduation though and that was a very long week for me. Long car ride, underage adults transporting alcohol, staying in a dump and although I knew the kids, it wasn’t her usual friends. Off the chart worrying. She was fine, but admitted she felt lousy afterwards—very little sleep, too much drinking and not enough eating anything decent. She was almost as glad to come home as I was to have her. She did a weekend in a cabin with that same group over New Years and they are planning another trip this summer. I’m not excited about it and will definitely worry, but it does get easier.

OP it is totally normal for you to worry, but I think you know you can’t stop him. Lay out your concerns, tell him he can always call you and to have a good, but safe time. Then count down the days until he is home in one piece. Next year will be a little easier.

 

[mrodgers]

It also doesn’t help his 22 yr old college senior brother is in Cabo for spring break that I approve of. I just trust his older brothers maturity level more.

Well, my thoughts changed because if the first one in college, you worry. The 2nd one is usually, "have fun!" because you've gotten all the anxiety for nothing with the first kid.

To go further with the "who is paying" over the trip, also who is paying for the college? That's something to take into consideration when dealing with things like this and whether you have a say or not because he is technically an adult.

My daughter is at a vastly more expensive school than I could possibly provide. She has it all paid for all on her own. I feel that as she is an adult, I would have absolutely no say in what she does as I don't have anything into it. It's her life, she's an adult, and she's got it figured out. Worry about her, sure. But that's all I can do, it's her life and I'm not paying for any of it. She won't even take cash from either of us for going to dinner with her friends or coffee or snacks. We have to sneak it in her stuff when we take her back to school when she comes home then text her when we get home that there's money in her bag.

 

[tvguy]

Only you know your child. My daughter spent a year going to University in the U.K. and she traveled all over Europe during her breaks, especially during the 6 week Christmas break. Now, she was 22 at the time and was traveling with friends, but we had met none of them, except one that we had met once. She did fine.
My wife and I were paying for it all, but didn't cost a whole lot.
And I traveled for a month in Europe in University myself at age 21, however my trip was a very structured class trip organized by my University.

 

[mumto3girls]

Well, my thoughts changed because if the first one in college, you worry. The 2nd one is usually, "have fun!" because you've gotten all the anxiety for nothing with the first kid.

To go further with the "who is paying" over the trip, also who is paying for the college? That's something to take into consideration when dealing with things like this and whether you have a say or not because he is technically an adult.

My daughter is at a vastly more expensive school than I could possibly provide. She has it all paid for all on her own. I feel that as she is an adult, I would have absolutely no say in what she does as I don't have anything into it. It's her life, she's an adult, and she's got it figured out. Worry about her, sure. But that's all I can do, it's her life and I'm not paying for any of it. She won't even take cash from either of us for going to dinner with her friends or coffee or snacks. We have to sneak it in her stuff when we take her back to school when she comes home then text her when we get home that there's money in her bag.

I’m not sure about the money part of this. I can definitely see not paying for a trip you aren’t comfortable with—the relationship is direct. But are you saying you wouldn’t pay for college (and I get you are saying you don’t so this is hypothetical) if they took a trip you didn’t want them to take? That seems extreme and overly controlling to me.

 

[slo]

Totally disagree with that.

I will agree with your disagree

 

[DLgal]

I’m not sure about the money part of this. I can definitely see not paying for a trip you aren’t comfortable with—the relationship is direct. But are you saying you wouldn’t pay for college (and I get you are saying you don’t so this is hypothetical) if they took a trip you didn’t want them to take? That seems extreme and overly controlling to me.

It totally is overly controlling. I would have rolled my eyes SO hard at my parents if they tried to tell me I couldn't go pretty much anywhere I wanted to, when I was in college. And yeah, they were still supporting me financially somewhat. Doesn't matter. What I did, who I did it with, and where I went was my business, once I turned 18 and was living away from home.

For their part, my parents never asked about my spring break plans. I sometimes told them, more just as a point of conversation really. I was never asking for their permission.

 

[brockash]

My 19 year old college sophomore just moved on campus after commuting the past year and a half. He met some kids and wants to go on a spring break vacation with these boys who he met a month ago. It’s a14 hour drive to their destination. I know some of these kids have fake ID and drink heavily. My son drinks too he’s not innocent. It makes me very nervous and I’m telling him I don’t want him to go. I have never met these kids andthat is another reason. However my son is also an “adult”. He does value my input but I also don’t want him to resent me. I’m in such a pickle here. Please help. What would you do? I trust my son but not these boys I do not know. My son is not driving.

I mean, I guess the question is what really can you do? Parenting adults is no fun. My ds went on a trip like that right after he graduated HS and has gone on a couple others while in college. At this point all I feel I can do is tell him to be careful, make good decisions, call me if he needs anything or finds himself ina bad situation and hope all the prior yrs of parenting meant something. I have been lucky and so far things have always been fine and he's really good at answering my texts and not making me worry. Good luck to you.

 

[Lumpy1106]

DS goes to UCSB and lives in the lacrosse house in Isla Vista. Do a Google search if you dare - is it a good idea? It's not my decision to make. He's an adult. After what these kids went through with all the COVID shut downs he deserves a real college experience. We wouldn't have it any other way. Or conversations amount to;
How are you doing?
Are you keeping up with classes?
End list. Anything else he chooses to share, or not share, is totally his choice.
FWIW - the grades are great and he's enjoying the experience. Can't ask for more than that.

 

[Boopuff]

We told our girls that they could go (within the USA) no Mexico, no cruises. Neither expressed any interest. Oldest went to Florida, but it was a "work trip" she worked for the rec-center and they offered a kayak, camping alternate spring break. She and her boyfriend (now hubby) were the wranglers. No one on the trip really drank so she was paid to have fun. My youngest was in the marching band (U of Iowa) they did a trip one spring break. Glad we never really had to have that conversation. But I would've held firm on the no Mexico or cruises (too many troubling stories from those spots)

 

[mrodgers]

I’m not sure about the money part of this. I can definitely see not paying for a trip you aren’t comfortable with—the relationship is direct. But are you saying you wouldn’t pay for college (and I get you are saying you don’t so this is hypothetical) if they took a trip you didn’t want them to take? That seems extreme and overly controlling to me.

Just laying out thoughts. No, it's not my thought that I would do that. My mother would, in fact she did. I paid for my school because of similar control issues (just cheap community college.) I agree it is extreme and overly controlling, point being if you're not paying their way, you have absolutely no say in what an adult does, your children or otherwise.

 

[mrodgers]

Neither expressed any interest.

I just picked my daughter up on Friday for Spring break. She's really tearing it up, probably spending just about every minute since Friday playing the Sims

The older one, now with a diploma and living 90% with her fiance, was the wild one that is more like I was, LOL.

 

[Moliphino]

I went to college almost 1000 miles away. My parents knew my spring break plans when I went to FL with some friends, which was the one year I didn't go home for spring break. They were not consulted at all about the sorority/fraternity trips, some of which were way worse.

 

[mumto3girls]

Just laying out thoughts. No, it's not my thought that I would do that. My mother would, in fact she did. I paid for my school because of similar control issues (just cheap community college.) I agree it is extreme and overly controlling, point being if you're not paying their way, you have absolutely no say in what an adult does, your children or otherwise.

Thanks for clarifying. I wasn’t exactly sure if that’s what you were saying. I do think though, that if I was uncomfortable/concerned with something my kids were doing, I would continue to express my concerns even after we weren’t paying for anything. Of course, they would be free to disregard that, but basically they could do that now. I don’t think I would hold the money or things like the car/cell phone that we pay for over their heads. I do think I wouldn’t pay for a trip I thought was a bad idea but that’s as far as I would go with that. Generally they pay for their own trips though although we have contributed as part of birthday/Christmas gifts and once gave some DVC points for lodging.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thanks for clarifying. I wasn’t exactly sure if that’s what you were saying. I do think though, that if I was uncomfortable/concerned with something my kids were doing, I would continue to express my concerns even after we weren’t paying for anything. Of course, they would be free to disregard that, but basically they could do that now. I don’t think I would hold the money or things like the car/cell phone that we pay for over their heads. I do think I wouldn’t pay for a trip I thought was a bad idea but that’s as far as I would go with that. Generally they pay for their own trips though although we have contributed as part of birthday/Christmas gifts and once gave some DVC points for lodging.

My 20 year old asked if she should go to Cancun on spring break, her concerns were the cost, and that it was with sorority sisters she didn’t know that well (big southern school, big sororities). I told her it might be better to wait and travel with people she knew better. She asked if she could blame me and say I said no, I told her of course (my kids know to make me the scapegoat, the crazy overprotective mom, even though I’m not, at all). Her trip to the DR is cheaper and with closer friends.

 

[DeeBee3]

My 20 year old asked if she should go to Cancun on spring break, her concerns were the cost, and that it was with sorority sisters she didn’t know that well (big southern school, big sororities). I told her it might be better to wait and travel with people she knew better. She asked if she could blame me and say I said no, I told her of course (my kids know to make me the scapegoat, the crazy overprotective mom, even though I’m not, at all). Her trip to the DR is cheaper and with closer friends.

I mean given what's happening in Mexico lately and specific travel advisories from the government, I think you made a good decision!

 

[lifesavacation]

I mean given what's happening in Mexico lately and specific travel advisories from the government, I think you made a good decision!

Agree

 

[lukenick1]

He was invited to go with them. They rented a house and it’s in MyrtleBeach. My biggest worry is the highway driving. So so dangerous and they plan to drive through the night which scares me worse. Open road means more speed and potential to fall asleep at the wheel. Not to mention passengers drinking in the car. 14 hours away from me is not a place I can go rescue him. He is using his own money. The other element is that he’s got life threatening peanut/tree nut allergies. He’s pretty aware but what if he accidentally comes in contact with those things? Also just knowing these kids for a month what if they get mad and ditch him somewhere? All these awful thoughts come to mind. Hate this worry and fear

We told our girls that they could go (within the USA) no Mexico, no cruises. Neither expressed any interest. Oldest went to Florida, but it was a "work trip" she worked for the rec-center and they offered a kayak, camping alternate spring break. She and her boyfriend (now hubby) were the wranglers. No one on the trip really drank so she was paid to have fun. My youngest was in the marching band (U of Iowa) they did a trip one spring break. Glad we never really had to have that conversation. But I would've held firm on the no Mexico or cruises (too many troubling stories from those spots)

Oh Geez don't get me more worried now....my oldest is in Cabo Mexico with his Frat brothers. LOL Yikes.