Parenting a 19 year old in College. Help

[lukenick1]

You are absolutely right, this is more about my fears and what if's than anything else. I do trust my son, but I also think he is immature for his age however he is also vigilant too. I just hope peer pressure doesn't get him in trouble with this "new group" of friends. Thanks for all the feedback and empathy.

 

[mjkacmom]

Oh Geez don't get me more worried now....my oldest is in Cabo Mexico with his Frat brothers. LOL Yikes.

If it makes you feel better, my very well traveled sister is there right now with her daughter and her boyfriend, she invited me along but today is my daughter’s birthday, she is home from college for two days before heading to spring break tomorrow (her program is year round so we don’t see her a lot).

 

[penn19]

My college aged kid is headed to a Mexican resort for spring break. I’m very nervous about it.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My son went to college in a major spring break location (Florida). He always came home to California for the week to escape the mayhem! Since we paid for his travel while he was in college, he would have to discuss it with us if he wanted to go anywhere but home. He did once make a 2 day detour to his GF's college town since their spring breaks didn't line up. By junior and senior year, I think he and his friends were having enough fun at school that they didn't feel the need for a spring break trip.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm assuming that since driving and fake IDs were mentioned, this is a domestic destination. That makes it a good first "friends"/college break trip. Because if he feels like he can't trust his friends' judgment at some point, or they ditch him, or their plans for lodging fall through, or whatever, he can hop a bus/train back home relatively easily and inexpensively (relative to last-minute changes to airfare). I'd have a talk about drinking and driving, not just about the driver being intoxicated but about open intox being illegal and drunk passengers being dangerously distracting even to a sober driver. My experience with my own kids (ages 14 to 25) is that their generation is very anti-drunk driving, to the point of ostracizing those who do it/not inviting them to parties, so I'd probably worry more about tiredness or passenger antics as far as the drive goes. I'd also, with my kids, have a talk about pot laws since we're in a state where it is legal (over 21, but underage use is a ticket) and I've noticed some of their peers are pretty lax about sharing photos of themselves smoking while traveling in places where it isn't. But I wouldn't try to discourage the trip.

It is hard for us to watch as parents but I truly believe that making these big decisions (and sometimes realizing they were wrong/stupid) is an essential part of the process of maturing and developing good judgment. We look back at our own youthful exploits and only see what could have gone wrong, but we wouldn't be the people we are without those experiences and I don't think we do younger generations any favors by trying to ensure they never have any "don't tell Mom..." stories.

 

[OhhBother]

OP, if it helps, I live in Murrells Inlet just south of Myrtle Beach, and I work for a local health system. If your kid has an emergency while he's here, I'll be glad to help out if I can.

 

[MomOTwins]

Just because this is a disney board, I can't help but be reminded of some sage advice from a certain under-the-sea crab: "Children got to be free to live their own lives." We can worry about them as parents, but they'll never be happy if you try to control who they socialize with, the places they go, the memories they make, and yes, even the mistakes they make (and learn from).

These kinds of things build up over time and have the potential to really do long-term damage to a relationship. Trust me--trying to keep a kid to close as they become adults only makes them pull further way.

 

[JLTraveling]

You are absolutely right, this is more about my fears and what if's than anything else. I do trust my son, but I also think he is immature for his age however he is also vigilant too. I just hope peer pressure doesn't get him in trouble with this "new group" of friends. Thanks for all the feedback and empathy.

I'm glad you're able to recognize this. Letting go is hard, but not letting go is damaging--to you, your son, and your long-term relationship. Take comfort in the fact that Myrtle Beach isn't exactly the other end of the earth. It's not even outside the country. If he needs something, there are stores. If he needs medical treatment, there are walk-in clinics and hospitals. If lodging falls through there are lots of other options. If he gets ditched, there are planes, trains, and buses. If he's able to function at college, he can function in an American tourist town. And once you see him succeed, you'll be much less nervous when he decides to travel internationally.

 

[lukenick1]

I'm glad you're able to recognize this. Letting go is hard, but not letting go is damaging--to you, your son, and your long-term relationship. Take comfort in the fact that Myrtle Beach isn't exactly the other end of the earth. It's not even outside the country. If he needs something, there are stores. If he needs medical treatment, there are walk-in clinics and hospitals. If lodging falls through there are lots of other options. If he gets ditched, there are planes, trains, and buses. If he's able to function at college, he can function in an American tourist town. And once you see him succeed, you'll be much less nervous when he decides to travel internationally.

Thanks......I guess I am a hypocrite because I did allow him to go to Canada by car which is 5 hours from home but he went with childhood friends that I have known since they were babies. I am worried because I do not know these college kids other than they like to party a lot. That is the biggest worry, drinking and driving. I can tell him until I am blue in the face not to get into a car with drinking but he will have to make that decision. Here's to hoping this turns out to be a great experience for my boy!

 

[lukenick1]

OP, if it helps, I live in Murrells Inlet just south of Myrtle Beach, and I work for a local health system. If your kid has an emergency while he's here, I'll be glad to help out if I can.

That is very very sweet of you! The rental they have is in North Myrtle Beach. Thank you!

 

[DLgal]

Thanks......I guess I am a hypocrite because I did allow him to go to Canada by car which is 5 hours from home but he went with childhood friends that I have known since they were babies. I am worried because I do not know these college kids other than they like to party a lot. That is the biggest worry, drinking and driving. I can tell him until I am blue in the face not to get into a car with drinking but he will have to make that decision. Here's to hoping this turns out to be a great experience for my boy!

Maybe it's time you tell your son that you don't want to know all the details about his life. Not in a mean way, but more the things he knows will worry you endlessly, maybe he needs to keep those parts of his life to himself. Adopt an "I don't want to know" attitude.

I have to admit that I find it odd that you don't know these new friends at all, BUT you know they like to drink and party a lot. Why did your son feel the need to tell you this? This is the kind of information I would NEVER have shared with my mom. She had an idea of what I was doing and what type of friends I had in college and it was probably super inaccurate, but she didn't spend much time, if any, fretting over any of it. What she didn't know didn't hurt her, in other words. She would DIE if I told her some of my college stories. Literally die.

As a parent, you have to establish boundaries with your adult child. Now is a good time to do that. There is really no reason for you to constantly be running "worst case scenarios" as it pertains to your son's exploits.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Thanks......I guess I am a hypocrite because I did allow him to go to Canada by car which is 5 hours from home but he went with childhood friends that I have known since they were babies. I am worried because I do not know these college kids other than they like to party a lot. That is the biggest worry, drinking and driving. I can tell him until I am blue in the face not to get into a car with drinking but he will have to make that decision. Here's to hoping this turns out to be a great experience for my boy!

I drank far more in high school than I did in college. My mother unaware of it all (although I'm sure she thought it was a possibility) and you seem aware enough that your son does drink.

You've trusted your son's judgement from what I can tell when he was in high school I don't know why you don't trust his judgement now.

 

[justafigment27]

I have to admit that I find it odd that you don't know these new friends at all, BUT you know they like to drink and party a lot. Why did your son feel the need to tell you this? This is the kind of information I would NEVER have shared with my mom.

Not the OP, but I have two daughters in college and I know so much more about their lives than my Mom every knew about mine. I was talking about this with a friend from HS and she said the same thing about her kids … I don’t know if it’s just girls or what, but they are very open about so many things with their friends and parents. Things I would have NEVER shared. And I really don’t know their college friends in person, but I feel like I know quite a bit about them based on stories I’ve heard and pictures they’ve shared.

It’s not just personal things either … it can be random things about their professors, classes, what was served in the dining hall, etc. I think some of it may be the ease of communication. They can text, send pictures or call anytime and it’s not a big deal. When I was in college, a phone call home was a planned out event that required me to enter a 22 digit calling card number and a picture required a weeks worth of time and two trips to the drugstore - one to drop off the film and another to pick up the pictures.

 

[lukenick1]

Maybe it's time you tell your son that you don't want to know all the details about his life. Not in a mean way, but more the things he knows will worry you endlessly, maybe he needs to keep those parts of his life to himself. Adopt an "I don't want to know" attitude.

I have to admit that I find it odd that you don't know these new friends at all, BUT you know they like to drink and party a lot. Why did your son feel the need to tell you this? This is the kind of information I would NEVER have shared with my mom. She had an idea of what I was doing and what type of friends I had in college and it was probably super inaccurate, but she didn't spend much time, if any, fretting over any of it. What she didn't know didn't hurt her, in other words. She would DIE if I told her some of my college stories. Literally die.

As a parent, you have to establish boundaries with your adult child. Now is a good time to do that. There is really no reason for you to constantly be running "worst case scenarios" as it pertains to your son's exploits.

Two of the boys went to high school with him so I asked my friends daughter about these boys and she said they like to party a lot. My son never hung out with them in HS so I never knew them.

 

[JLTraveling]

Maybe it's time you tell your son that you don't want to know all the details about his life. Not in a mean way, but more the things he knows will worry you endlessly, maybe he needs to keep those parts of his life to himself. Adopt an "I don't want to know" attitude.

This! I was always super open with my parents. Dad was chill, because he had been there and done that all himself. But Mom was a bit more nervous, because she had been raised with a very strict worrying mother who projected her fears onto her kids. Mom was completely supportive of my having the experiences she never did, but she couldn't help worrying. So finally she just half-exploded on me one day: "Quit telling me! I raised you to make good decisions, I trust you, there is NO need for me to know all the gory details!!" It made perfect sense, and from that day forward we stayed really close, but I didn't tell her the stuff that would make her worry.

 

[DisneyJules]

My LO is only 3, so I can only imagine how hard these type of situations are! But from my own experiences, my parents didn't hold me back too much, although I never really got into any trouble, but they would discuss their concerns if they felt something was concerning. It's hard because at that age, you don't want to listen to your parents and now that he's over 18, there's not much you can do. But I agree with what others have said, state your concerns, have a discussion about it.

 

[lifesavacation]

I actually find college kids these days are pretty responsible with drinking and driving, if that's your concern. Rideshare apps make it so much safer.

If you don't already have a family Uber account, you can create one. That way, your son can always Uber back to where he's staying if there's been drinking involved. My college aged kids did that quite a bit and they never worried about how much it cost because I was more than happy to have the rides billed to my credit card.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don’t think the fact that the boys party should lead to the assumption they will drink and drive, since the culture for people their age is to never drink and drive. My husband and son were at a party about 2 miles from our home (I had left). My husband handed our son his keys (not knowing how much he drank), my son laughed and said our Uber will be here in a minute (if it was just my son he would’ve walked, pretty much all sidewalks here). Parents here will also drop kids off at bars, and they Uber home (or walk). I think it’s awesome.

 

[NotUrsula]

For a bit of perspective, think about the kids who didn't go to college, and what they might be doing overnight at age 19 that could be hazardous, like working 3rd shift in a chemical plant, or like my brother, stacking pipe on a drilling platform 80 miles off-shore. In comparison, a domestic road trip to the beach is not all that alarming.

When my DS (who is a high-functioning autistic, fwiw) went off to college 900 miles away, I gave him a credit card in his own name that drew off one of my accounts. We had a come-to-Jesus talk about using it only in emergencies and not flashing it around, and he never did abuse it, though he did use it once or twice to get out of tight spots (and he paid me back after the fact.) Knowing that he had it gave me peace of mind, because lack of money is the primary reason people stay in situations that they wish they could get out of. In the early years, I always reserved enough airline points to go to his aid in just a few hours had he really needed me, but it never happened. He still lives there 8 years later, and he handles his money and his safety just fine on his own. (BTW, going away to school did wonders for his maturity. He was the kind of kid who would depend on us to tell him what to do if that was an option, but not having us nearby forced him to learn to trust his own instincts, which I'd always known were pretty good, but he had to learn that for himself.)

 

[kymom99]

I didn’t tell my mom squat