Q about family issues - what to do?

[makki]

Edit - thank you everyone who took the time to respond. Mods - please feel free to delete this.

 

[jevs]

Once upon a time I laughed at people who created anonymous accounts to post a question here. No more.


My daughter is expecting her first child. She has a baby shower coming up. I wasn’t invited, but offered to help, because I wanted to be involved. I was told that I could PAY for things, but the husband’s side of the family had already made all of the arrangements.


We have always supported our daughter, financially and otherwise. Just today, she wanted me to replace/refinance her cell phone because she’s pregnant and needs a cell phone. We always have paid for everything for her. She’s 27 and still on our cell phone plan b/c she and her husband find that cheaper.


I paid her ENTIRE college loans bill out of my own funds. I feel like maybe I should just deliver the cake they want (plus the drinks, but wait - plus the plate and cups!!!) and then what? I’ve already offered to keep the baby once she returns to work. That’s a lot of money saved for them, right? Childcare is expensive, so that must be saving several hundred dollars a month. Right?


But nobody ever asks me about anything unless they need money and then they are quick to ask.


I feel like maybe I should just pay for their shower cake/drinks/plates/cups and then just - maybe withdraw. I always thought I did my best to give my daughter an environment where she could grow to be an independent woman. I feel like I have failed there, but I’m tired of being their private bank. Am I an evil person if I tell a 27 year old woman and her 30 year old husband that maybe they should take care of their own expenses?

You’ve answered your own question.

Time for your adult daughter and adult son in law to start acting like adults.

 

[makki]

Great reply, but what do I do with the shower cake, plates & cups? Deliver them and slink away? What do I do?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow---yeah, from your side of things it sounds very much like your daughter and her husband are using you in totally unfair ways. It seems you have a habit of offering help (baby shower/childcare) and then being resentful of that help being accepted (as it seems to be accepted very ungraciously---I get why it rubs you wrong; I don't get why you keep offering).


I think just stopping things with no warning can be hard for everyone and feel more agressive than might be good for any future relationships. One the other hand, continuing to hand over $$$ all the time isn't good for you or your relationship either, because it only leaves you feeling resentful and her entitled.

If I were you, unless the baby shower is this weekend and they have no time to make other arrangements, I would let them know you are not going to be able to purchase the shower items after all but you wish them a great time at the party. If you have already bought the things, I would probably drop them off, with a card that indicates those items are your gifts for them for the new baby (don't get other gifts) and well wishes and let this one go. It's the pattern which needs to stop, not the one time issue that needs to be a hill to die on.

As for the cell phone? I would totally give them a date (3 months out?) to be off of your plan. They are well past the point that they should have done so. The thing is, if you give them a date, you have to stick to it and cancel. Yes, she's pregnant. Yes she "needs" a cell phone. She is also a grown adult and it is NOT your job to make sure her needs are met.
As much as possible, avoid giving reasons other than "you're grown and on your own, so you should be on your own plan" Don't make it into any bigger issue than it absolutely has to be.

Childcare? This is harder since you apparently already volunteered yourself for this. I think it is absolutely fair to say that you've looked more at your schedule and energy level and feel offering full time care in the long term is going to be too much for you---but that you are still happy to provide care for, say, the first 6 months while they adjust to being parents and find other arrangements. Give them a firm date after which you are no longer available to be free daycare and book yourself a trip starting the next day so you cannot be guilted into pushing the deadline out.

 

[L&Lfan]

I'd tell the ungrateful 27 year old brat and her user husband to go pound salt. The feeding trough ($$$) is CLOSED!

 

[Nohal]

I'm confused as to why you weren't even invited to the baby shower. Is the shower from the husbands side and they figured you would have a shower from your side of the family? Even then you should have still been invited. It was nice of you to offer to help without being invited, I wouldn't have. Maybe you could have a small shower from your side of the family and put the money towards that instead of buying things for a shower you aren't even invited to.

I feel like your daughter and that side of the family are taking advantage of you.

 

[teller80]

There has to be WAY more to this situation - to not be invited to your daughters baby shower??

Regardless, I wouldn't do anything that might jeopardize your relationship with your grandchild. Pay for the shower items and maybe the phone one last time, then focus on the baby. I don't have any grandchildren yet, but I imagine it must be extremely rewarding to be in their lives. And the best way to establish a relationship is be IN their lives, and by you babysitting you'll be in a prime position to have that. Don't think of watching the baby as 'saving them money,' instead, think of how happy that baby will make YOU.

As for your relationship with your daughter? Maybe discuss it with your friends or a therapist and see if you can change the dynamic.

 

[indimom]

I'd do what I promised to do. Then stop offering to buy things.
If you want them off the phone plan, tell them you are taking them off.
And if you don't want to provide child care, don't do it.
If you want that amount of time with the child, then do it - but don't expect anything more than what you are getting... time with your grandchild.

If you really have made yourself the "family bank" and If you want a different relationship, it's probably going to be tough making changes this late in the game. But, if you do it without anger and recriminations, you may be able to pull it off over time. But, don't be surprised if there is some anger and irritation when things start to change. Just try to stay positive and stick to your guns.

And congrats on the grandbaby!

 

[Poohforyou]

Once upon a time I laughed at people who created anonymous accounts to post a question here. No more.


My daughter is expecting her first child. She has a baby shower coming up. I wasn’t invited, but offered to help, because I wanted to be involved. I was told that I could PAY for things, but the husband’s side of the family had already made all of the arrangements.


We have always supported our daughter, financially and otherwise. Just today, she wanted me to replace/refinance her cell phone because she’s pregnant and needs a cell phone. We always have paid for everything for her. She’s 27 and still on our cell phone plan b/c she and her husband find that cheaper.


I paid her ENTIRE college loans bill out of my own funds. I feel like maybe I should just deliver the cake they want (plus the drinks, but wait - plus the plate and cups!!!) and then what? I’ve already offered to keep the baby once she returns to work. That’s a lot of money saved for them, right? Childcare is expensive, so that must be saving several hundred dollars a month. Right?


But nobody ever asks me about anything unless they need money and then they are quick to ask.


I feel like maybe I should just pay for their shower cake/drinks/plates/cups and then just - maybe withdraw. I always thought I did my best to give my daughter an environment where she could grow to be an independent woman. I feel like I have failed there, but I’m tired of being their private bank. Am I an evil person if I tell a 27 year old woman and her 30 year old husband that maybe they should take care of their own expenses?

How do you give someone an environment to grow into an independent person if you're constantly paying for things well after college? I think you need to sit your daughter and son in law down and have a heart to heart.

I can't imagine continuing to help an ungrateful child well into adulthood. Heck, my daughter is a college freshman and I couldn't imagine continuing to do all we do for her if she was bratty and ungrateful. She doesn't get everything though and we said no many times when she was growing up so she'd understand she couldn't have everything she wanted.

Op, it isn't too late to change things but there will be pain points.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Once upon a time I laughed at people who created anonymous accounts to post a question here. No more.


My daughter is expecting her first child. She has a baby shower coming up. I wasn’t invited, but offered to help, because I wanted to be involved. I was told that I could PAY for things, but the husband’s side of the family had already made all of the arrangements.


We have always supported our daughter, financially and otherwise. Just today, she wanted me to replace/refinance her cell phone because she’s pregnant and needs a cell phone. We always have paid for everything for her. She’s 27 and still on our cell phone plan b/c she and her husband find that cheaper.


I paid her ENTIRE college loans bill out of my own funds. I feel like maybe I should just deliver the cake they want (plus the drinks, but wait - plus the plate and cups!!!) and then what? I’ve already offered to keep the baby once she returns to work. That’s a lot of money saved for them, right? Childcare is expensive, so that must be saving several hundred dollars a month. Right?


But nobody ever asks me about anything unless they need money and then they are quick to ask.


I feel like maybe I should just pay for their shower cake/drinks/plates/cups and then just - maybe withdraw. I always thought I did my best to give my daughter an environment where she could grow to be an independent woman. I feel like I have failed there, but I’m tired of being their private bank. Am I an evil person if I tell a 27 year old woman and her 30 year old husband that maybe they should take care of their own expenses?

You aren't giving her an environment to become an independent woman...she's dependent on you to pay her way.

I stopped paying my daughters phone bills (on a regular basis) when the oldest was 17 (though she was on our plan until she was 18) and when my 2nd oldest was 19 (she was on our plan until she was 21, just paying her portion). We did not cover costs associated with having a license and car; if they wanted the car, they had to work to pay for it. DD#1 did (although her paternal grandmother helped her by buying her a car); DD#2 did not, so she didn't get her license until 18. I did not foot their rent or bills or anything on a regular basis (if they ran short, we helped if we could). Both my girls worked 2 jobs from 16-22; the oldest while going to college full time.

First, it's time for you to stop bankrolling your adult child. I would tell her she can purchase her own cell phone, and find her way onto a new plan.

Second, it's her shower. If someone has planned it, then it's on that person to handle the details. ETA: I missed where you weren't invited. Yeah, I would contact the person and say "hey I'm not invited, so yeah, have someone else get the cake."

Third, if you don't enjoy doing the childcare, then give them notice now so they can make alternate arrangements. Being a grandma is amazing; being a part time care giver is a lot more difficult, because you have to separate fun grandma from business grandma.

Last, you need to sit down and talk to your daughter about your feelings. Don't get angry or emotional; just state "I feel..". Be prepared for blowback.

 

[QueenIsabella]

They are treating you like a doormat because you are lying down.

As others have said, you need to draw a line--be firm, but loving. If you've already agreed to bring the cake, and it's been ordered, well, drop the cake off. Don't hang around, don't bring a gift (beyond the cake), don't offer to throw her another shower. Stop buying her things, giving her things, and get her off your phone plan.

You are free to spend time or money with the new baby, as much as you feel comfortable. If you're feeling generous, you can see what your daughter still needs after the shower (car seat? Pack and Play?), and then provide that. Focus your energies on improving the baby's life--college fund? quality Grandma time? Mostly, though, you need to stand up for yourself--if you don't, this will only continue.

 

[Christine]

Before I can really answer, I need to know if you wrote correctly that you were NOT invited to the shower? Why are you not invited?

I have a 26 y/o daughter. She is not married but I have provided similar support as you have. I have paid for her college and I do have her on my cellphone plan because it's half the price of a regular account for her. But she pays me her share.

My financial support of her, so far, is no strings attached. It's what I want to do for her. I don't expect anything in return but respect and compassion. Because I've paid her way for things does not guarantee that I will have a "good" personal relationship with her. That is separate.

So I am sensing that there is something amiss in this relationship? Or maybe not? I can't quite tell from your first post. Can you elaborate a little more?

 

[QueenIsabella]

How do you give someone an environment to grow into an independent person if you're constantly paying for things well after college? I think you need to sit your daughter and son in law down and have a heart to heart.

I can't imagine continuing to help an ungrateful child well into adulthood. Heck, my daughter is a college freshman and I couldn't imagine continuing to do all we do for her if she was bratty and ungrateful. She doesn't get everything though and we said no many times when she was growing up so she'd understand she couldn't have everything she wanted.

Op, it isn't too late to change things but there will be pain points.

This. My oldest is 22. She's a college graduate with a job in her field. She lives in a HCOL area, so she has a 2BR apartment that she shares with 3 other people. She's 800 miles away from us. It's funny, just last week she wanted to upgrade her phone...so she did. She looked into getting her own plan, but she's only $20/mo on ours, and she couldn't find anything cheaper. So, she told me she'd send me a check every three months (I didn't ask--SHE brought this up!). I don't give her money so much, beyond Christmas gift cards, but I do buy/send her stuff, like a wok and a crockpot. And I recently sent her a case of wine from our favorite vineyard. But the thing is, my DD is grateful for these items. She'd be fine without them, they just make her life easier. She's making her own way.

 

[msjprincess]

Is there more to the story? Why aren't you invited?

 

[Allison]

I think there first needs to be some information about why you weren't invited. Why would you supply something for an event you weren't invited to?

And no, you didn't raise someone to be independent if you continue to provide financial support.

Is there a history of a strained relationship?

 

[mco65]

Wait! You weren't invited...

 

[Dawnlight]

It's awful that you weren't invited to your daughter's baby shower. Was it she that didn't invite you? The hosts? (her husband's family)? I don't understand how the grandmother of the child, one who isn't estranged from the family, could end up on the "do not invite" list.

Sorry you're going through this. I would end financial support. Continuing to provide for them is only enabling them to continue to be ungrateful for your help.

 

[Poohlove]

I agree with the many others, there has got to be more to the story. Why weren't you invited to your daughter's first child's baby shower?

 

[disney junky]

It's easy for us to judge, but it sounds like your daughter expects that you will do exactly what she wants and how she wants it, and that's something you need to confront if it bothers you. Different families have different dynamics, but yours seems to indicate that your daughter feels entitled to things her way. If you are still paying something for an adult child who is married and living on her own, it should be on your terms and not hers or her husband's.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Does your daughter post here or her inlaws if so why change your name? I have never understand the need to change your name.

I don't wanna be mean but you created this monster by paying for everything for her.