Once upon a time I laughed at people who created anonymous accounts to post a question here. No more.
My daughter is expecting her first child. She has a baby shower coming up. I wasn’t invited, but offered to help, because I wanted to be involved. I was told that I could PAY for things, but the husband’s side of the family had already made all of the arrangements.
We have always supported our daughter, financially and otherwise. Just today, she wanted me to replace/refinance her cell phone because she’s pregnant and needs a cell phone. We always have paid for everything for her. She’s 27 and still on our cell phone plan b/c she and her husband find that cheaper.
I paid her ENTIRE college loans bill out of my own funds. I feel like maybe I should just deliver the cake they want (plus the drinks, but wait - plus the plate and cups!!!) and then what? I’ve already offered to keep the baby once she returns to work. That’s a lot of money saved for them, right? Childcare is expensive, so that must be saving several hundred dollars a month. Right?
But nobody ever asks me about anything unless they need money and then they are quick to ask.
I feel like maybe I should just pay for their shower cake/drinks/plates/cups and then just - maybe withdraw. I always thought I did my best to give my daughter an environment where she could grow to be an independent woman. I feel like I have failed there, but I’m tired of being their private bank. Am I an evil person if I tell a 27 year old woman and her 30 year old husband that maybe they should take care of their own expenses?
You aren't giving her an environment to become an independent woman...she's dependent on you to pay her way.
I stopped paying my daughters phone bills (on a regular basis) when the oldest was 17 (though she was on our plan until she was 18) and when my 2nd oldest was 19 (she was on our plan until she was 21, just paying her portion). We did not cover costs associated with having a license and car; if they wanted the car, they had to work to pay for it. DD#1 did (although her paternal grandmother helped her by buying her a car); DD#2 did not, so she didn't get her license until 18. I did not foot their rent or bills or anything on a regular basis (if they ran short, we helped if we could). Both my girls worked 2 jobs from 16-22; the oldest while going to college full time.
First, it's time for you to stop bankrolling your adult child. I would tell her she can purchase her own cell phone, and find her way onto a new plan.
Second, it's her shower. If someone has planned it, then it's on that person to handle the details. ETA: I missed where you weren't invited. Yeah, I would contact the person and say "hey I'm not invited, so yeah, have someone else get the cake."
Third, if you don't enjoy doing the childcare, then give them notice now so they can make alternate arrangements. Being a grandma is amazing; being a part time care giver is a lot more difficult, because you have to separate fun grandma from business grandma.
Last, you need to sit down and talk to your daughter about your feelings. Don't get angry or emotional; just state "I feel..". Be prepared for blowback.