Separating Finances when Married

[lauradis]

This is not judgement op, this is list of personal 22 years of marriage money battles, yes we are great lovers, we can talk about anything, but money.
In Jan, we decided we where both tired of have money fights. We have been working on finding what works best for us. So good luck.

1. money has emotional issues for everyone. His was giving and self worth of being able to give to his family. Mine was control over every penny. The more he spent the more I worked the budget to control and give him what he wanted.

2. Lack of communication of what he wanted.

3. Under budgeting to control every cent. me, lieing to control

4. over budgeting to create slush funds, me. lieing to control

what our money issues where leading to wasn't bankruptcy, but the loss of a great long term relationship.

I implore you to fix this not control or manage this. Yes it takes both of you to sit down. Most men will respond to a loving "I need your help" Not a dictator of what will be done.

Here's the mechanics of what we do:

separate retirement accts - auto draft from paycheck

One saving acct - his name only lol not really scared but he is good at saving money for a purpose short term, where Im not unless its long term savings. 5 months now if he deposits or takes money out he tells me, plus I have mobile banking so I can look all I want.

one joint checking acct - all paycheck and money we get filters thru here.
money gets distributed from this account , all bills are on auto pay so xx amt has to stay in acct for that. 2 separate spending accts, we are cash people so we just take both our allowances out. all left over money is divided by 3 1/3 for short term savings, 1/3 for me, 1/3 for him.

money for gas and groceries is left in the main checking acct we have one debit card for acct and share.

We sit down the night before payday together and talk about how everything is going. anything that needs to be fixed, or worked towards. We both have input that is equal. Which is hard for both of us, since we have been fighting every time we talk about finances for 22 years.

Jan and feb meetings was basically hostel. We gutted every bill and every spending transaction. March we started auto pay on all bills and the plan above. April we are sharing our allowances. The key seems to be working as unit towards a common goal, with full disclosure.

Are we working to our common goal of balance of hoarding money (lol me) or having to much fun (him)

We don't have the money issue of not having enough to pay bills or invest we have a communication/contol issue of what do with the left over money.

Good luck op. I know how hard it is to have the husband that will use his debt card at the atm till it runs dry w/o saying a word. I know what it feels like to give the strong man I married an allowance, with his resentment. Worst of all I know what it feels like to lie to a hard working a man that I love to get what I want.

 

[si-am]

wow, I just never knew that so many people used the 3 account method in their marriage. I'm really shocked. To me, that is what I would possibly do in a newer relationship (engaged?), and I can understand if it's a second or third marriage.

Overall though it just seems like a lot of extra work for the same end result. Sometimes my husband spends money I wouldn't have and same here but it's not a major argument. It would probably be more tense if we were budgeting every last dollar; that could be stressful.

I really think I would end up divorced if my husband continually overspent our budget and if he snuck money out of the college fund, forget it.

Online banking makes it so easy. I can transfer money into the joint account in like 10 seconds. It doesn't seem like any extra work, really.

 

[Lupeix]

We have separate checking and a joint savings, mostly a leftover from living together for a long time before getting married.
We pay bills proportionally to our income and have separate retirement accounts (he has one at work I have an IRA) and credit cards, we also each have a separate college fund account we contribute to for our son.
It use to not work that well, we never had financial troubles but had almost no savings outside our retirement. I am the budgeter and DH is the spender. I budget to the penny, but DH will always loose track and pay the bills but not be able to save after that.

2 years ago we put everything on autopay, bills, mortgage. We pay all groceries and gas with a credit card with very good cash back that gets payed in full every month. Everything gets payed before the 10th and we each put 5% of our income in our joint savings after retirement and college funds. Whatever is left we are each free to use how we please. We have separate credit cards, I always pay in full and he does not, but I gave up some control and decided that as long as his credit score stays above 750 I am fine with it. It has been working quite well. Sometimes I wished we had started earlier and had more savings than we do now, but I learned not to linger on the what ifs and focus on the fact that we made a positive change.
We are about the change jobs and have more income, so hopefully we will start building our savings faster.

 

[crisi]

wow, I just never knew that so many people used the 3 account method in their marriage. I'm really shocked. To me, that is what I would possibly do in a newer relationship (engaged?), and I can understand if it's a second or third marriage.

Overall though it just seems like a lot of extra work for the same end result. Sometimes my husband spends money I wouldn't have and same here but it's not a major argument. It would probably be more tense if we were budgeting every last dollar; that could be stressful.

I really think I would end up divorced if my husband continually overspent our budget and if he snuck money out of the college fund, forget it.

Its actually way less work to have three accounts, because there is no communication on personal expenses - there isn't the receipt for the ATM left on the desk that needs to be input, or the "I'm running to Target, what's the budget and do we have a buffer?" communication mentioned above. (Its a bummer when your spouse buys extra diapers because Target was closing out a brand or a design, and its THAT month that you are tight because of a surprise bill and overdraft).

And as I said above, a lot depends on how much buffer you have. If a soda from 7-11 carries the risk of an overdraft fee - then money needs to be managed much tighter - and that means some sort of allowance for a spouse who can't keep it in their head or impulse spends - either a cash allowance or their own cash based account. If you keep a comma in your checking account, there is much less need to watch. How many people do you think keep a comma in their checking account as a matter of habit and if the comma disappears, they move money in from other accounts to retain the comma?

If all three accounts are at the same bank, and both people are on all three accounts (but I only carry a debit card for mine and the joint, and he only carries a debit card for his and the joint), there isn't the "if something happens" issue and you can transfer between them if the joint account is suddenly short (and when you see that good deal on diapers, you grab it knowing that if the joint account can't handle, your account can and you'll "loan" the family account money for a week or two.)

 

[ArmchairDetective]

We are single savings/checking.

We use YNAB and I am the one who deals with the budget. My wife and I make about the same amount of money so I sit down every Thursday and plan the following week's budget. We decide together what we save for, and I decide how much each week gets thrown into the categories. It syncs to her computer, she can check it on her phone, and if she is confused or is wondering what is going on she can ask me at anytime. There is no way to "hide" money in YNAB. It keeps us honest and on track to our financial goals.

We're on the same page about how our money is spent and have open and honest communication. I have access to all of her accts and she mine. We have the same passions and goals, usually, so our money spending and saving is typically aligned. I can see how this could be an issue for others who have different interests and goals.

We get $15/wk for no-questions-asked spending money and set budget categories for stuff like groceries, restaurants, household goods, etc.

 

[pryncess527]

We are single savings/checking.

We use YNAB and I am the one who deals with the budget. My wife and I make about the same amount of money so I sit down every Thursday and plan the following week's budget. We decide together what we save for, and I decide how much each week gets thrown into the categories. It syncs to her computer, she can check it on her phone, and if she is confused or is wondering what is going on she can ask me at anytime. There is no way to "hide" money in YNAB. It keeps us honest and on track to our financial goals.

We get $15/wk for no-questions-asked spending money and set budget categories for stuff like groceries, restaurants, household goods, etc.

We are also using YNAB, with joint finances/accounts, and each get a personal allotment of spending money (the same amount) monthly. I'll say, this has been one of the surprise joys of YNAB. I always thought I was the spender, not DH, but turns out I was wrong! I'm shocked by the current balance in my Fun Money category because it turns out I've spent so little of it since we started using the software. He drains his almost every month (which is just fine with me, it's his to do with as he pleases!)

 

[NotUrsula]

How do you handle funding your retirement? What happens if you get to retirement and only one of you saved?

That's where your trust comes in. Again, the retirement monies are partially separate; I have my employer matching account and he has his, just as anyone else would. We each put away what we can afford to after other expenses are accounted for, and again, we use direct deposit, so that NOT putting it away is more hassle. We discuss the accounts and file the statements in one place, so there is no secret in terms of what is in each account. We also have some other investment accounts that are held jointly, but DH manages them; we discuss what I need to contribute in order to finance the plan, and I direct it into the joint investment account.

I really don't get why retirement accounts would be any different than everyday accounts; there are accounts that have money moving in and out, and there are accounts that, while you are working, only have money moving in. We each balance our own transactional accounts, and the joint account really doesn't need it, because the things that are paid from it are almost all fixed expenses.

 

[eliza61]

That's where your trust comes in. Again, the retirement monies are partially separate; I have my employer matching account and he has his, just as anyone else would. We each put away what we can afford to after other expenses are accounted for, and again, we use direct deposit, so that NOT putting it away is more hassle. We discuss the accounts and file the statements in one place, so there is no secret in terms of what is in each account. We also have some other investment accounts that are held jointly, but DH manages them; we discuss what I need to contribute in order to finance the plan, and I direct it into the joint investment account. I really don't get why retirement accounts would be any different than everyday accounts; there are accounts that have money moving in and out, and there are accounts that, while you are working, only have money moving in. We each balance our own transactional accounts, and the joint account really doesn't need it, because the things that are paid from it are almost all fixed expenses.

Along with communication, we simply talked about our goals. We both had retirement accounts through our jobs 401k plans. My company matches dollar for dollar for the first 6%. I couldn't imagine not doing that simply because it wasn't also in my dh's name. we decided how much we needed to save and did so. Two times a year (usually around tax time) we'd go over our investment, any big expenditures, insurance, kid stuff etc and we'd make adjustments

 

[dvczerfs]

interesting thread. kinda cool to see what other couples do. im not judging anyone just tossing in my two cents.
dw and I have been married for almost 30 years. I get the job of paying the bills.
all our accounts are joint. dw keeps our spending money out of her check and maybe a few times a year ill take out $100 or so. if we go out to eat, pick something up at the store, she uses that money.
we never really argued over money. we were married at 19 and didn't have any money to argue over.
the only thing separate is our 401k at work.
she wants me to do all the bills and investments. I tell her everything I do and she always says fine. we both want to retire at 55 ( 6 years 11 months 3 weeks but whos counting) not to mention we are both kinda cheap so it has worked out great for 30 years. we are very lucky, very blessed.

I got some good advise 30 years ago when I got married from my father in law............ he told me..... "her money is her money and your money is her money" and the sooner I under stand that, the better off I will be.
I took his advise from day one and we have been happy ever since.

just remember.... its only money, don't fight over money. theres more important things to fight over like the toilet seat!!!!! UP OR DOWN!!!!!!

 

[scrapquitler]

Our accounts are all joint accounts. I pay the bills. He is fairly oblivious He makes about 98% of the income in our house, because I work VERY part time and was at home for more than 10 years with the kids.

I get money from the bank and we both get some of it to have as spending money, no questions asked. We don't do debit cards, we do credit cards for regular spending (we generally pay almost everything on our credit cards, so the cash I get us at the bank lasts a long time), so I never have to worry that he's using a debit card and spending money that is targeted for bill payments.

When either of us buys something, we pay with the credit card. We have 4 credit cards, two joint ones, mine and his. The bill gets paid at the end of the the month about 95% of the time, once in a great while we carry a balance for a month or two with a very low interest rate promotion. We keep the credit card accounts that way so that we both have separate credit scores in case something happens to one of us the other won't have a lack of credit history.

We don't ask permission to spend OUR money (it's all our money) but we do tell one another if we are buying something that costs about more than $150 and isn't something like groceries or normal stuff for the kids. But we both trust that the other isn't going to spend something outrageous.

It has worked for us for 24 years, our credit scores are high and we have never had an argument about money.

 

[believe]

We have manage separate accounts, but we are both on them. Neither of us wanted to give up our banks. Neither of us are big spenders and we have common goals. He has bills that are mostly 'fixed' and I have the fluctuating things. We have never argued over money and if one is in a 'bind' the money gets transferred accordingly. I can say I don't think my husband spends 10 on himself in a week. His meals are provided at work, so no need to eat out.

I hope you both can align to a plan that works for both. Keep in mind that if you both aren't on each other's accounts and something happens to one the money will be 'frozen' till all is settled. Could make paying bills rough during a time like that.

 

[PigletsPal2]

Like many others, DH and I have both joint and private accounts. We have two joint checking accounts - one for recurring expenses like the mortgage, utilities, car and life insurance, etc. and one for emergency expenses like major car repairs, a new roof, etc.

Then we each have a private checking account (I say private, but if push came to shove, we could each access the other's account; we just don't). This money is used for whatever we each want. I spend a LOT of money on books and DH uses his mostly for CDs and DVDs. We take turns paying for any outside entertainment like movies, eating out, etc. The point is, we never ask the other about where his/her money went.

We have two joint credit union share accounts strictly for saving, and we've been fortunate in that we've rarely had to touch the funds in these accounts.

We have three "infusions" of funds each month: our government retirement annuities on the first of each month, our Social Security on the second Wednesday of each month, and DH's contractor salary on or about the 15th of each month.

So, for the time being, this is what has been working for us for 48 years. I'm certain things will change when DH is no longer working as a contractor as our income will drop dramatically, but our needs are few and we have a fairly substantial cushion, so I'm not worried. YMMV.

Queen Colleen

 

[blancah76]

Having separate accounts has always seemed like the best idea to me and I want it so bad! I've been married for 15 years and we've just never been able to do it. I'm currently the sole provider in our family. I dream of the day my DH finds a decent paying job so we could have separate bank accounts.

 

[arihillfarm]

YNAB is actually exactly what helped us stop doing that, because instead of a nebulous blob of savings, the dollars had jobs. Robbing "car repair" or some other category of savings with a very specific goal, is much harder, at least for us, than robbing "savings" to cover something we want. We making spending decisions based on our budget category balances and do not look at the (ever growing) balance of our checking/savings, because those dollars have jobs.

I have a tendency to do that too, so I "hide" any savings or rainy day categories, only unhiding them to add funds. Out of sight is out of mind for me.

-Astrid

 

[pryncess527]

I have a tendency to do that too, so I "hide" any savings or rainy day categories, only unhiding them to add funds. Out of sight is out of mind for me.

-Astrid

My Disney vacation cateogory has been a lifesaver in that regard. I will move hell or high water to avoid robbing that category! Ramen noodles if we must ;p

 

[girli565]

I have a tendency to do that too, so I "hide" any savings or rainy day categories, only unhiding them to add funds. Out of sight is out of mind for me.

-Astrid

I do this too. I'm a teacher and defer my paychecks so I can get paid in the summer (they take a percentage of my bi-weekly check and put it in a defer acct that I don't have access to and then give me 6 paychecks over the summer when I don't work so I still get paid). This acct is wonderful but if I knew it was available to me we probably wouldn't save as much and I'd be short money in the summer.

I also do this with our "Rainy Day" savings acct. My husband can't see if because it's hidden to us when we log in to our accts. I can transfer to it to make deposits but if I want to take money from it I have to go to the bank in person. That's a huge deterrent from accessing it because I NEVER go to the bank.

 

[mum of two pirates]

Thing people are using. What does it stand for? Thanks

 

[DawnM]

No, we have only joint accounts.

HE is the one who begged me to be a SAHM. I had planned to work all the way to retirement, so he had better not even THINK of wanting to pull a "I make more money" thing! In fact, there are many times he complains about money or spending I just give him the, "I can go back to work" comment and he stops complaining.

He makes enough. I am not complaining, but he is an accountant and money seems to always be on his mind......

 

[SirDuff]

Thing people are using. What does it stand for? Thanks

You Need A Budget. It is a budgeting software that essentially works as a virtual envelope system. You set up all the categories you spend money on and assign every dollar of your income to one of these categories. Then, when you spend money (cash, credit card, directly out of you chequing account, etc.), you tell it which category to "take" the money from).

http://www.youneedabudget.com

 

[DawnM]

Honestly, that is the one thing about YNAB I do not like and that doesn't work for us.

We have spent about $4,000 in the last 10 years on car repair, and that includes new tires for all of the cars.

We have to save for college. We have NO idea how much it will actually be. The private school one son may be looking at is $40,000 per year. The trade/tech school another child is looking at we could write a check for tomorrow. However, we have NO CLUE how much it will really cost. Home repairs? Well, we have no clue as things come up (like a leak in our fridge that ruined our kitchen floor) as to how much will really be needed at any given time.

A general fund is much more workable for us. We don't go "blow it" on things we want. All of our emergency fund and savings is for things that we need.

We have no debt other than mortgage and we have a healthy savings account (general savings, no "you have a specific job and can only do that job" stuff), and retirement.

I see no reason to change the way we are doing things.

YNAB is actually exactly what helped us stop doing that, because instead of a nebulous blob of savings, the dollars had jobs. Robbing "car repair" or some other category of savings with a very specific goal, is much harder, at least for us, than robbing "savings" to cover something we want. We making spending decisions based on our budget category balances and do not look at the (ever growing) balance of our checking/savings, because those dollars have jobs.