Severely need advice

[Eeyore2142]

Maybe the OP wants to drink, but because she’s pregnant, she can’t, so she just doesn’t want him drinking in front of her or excessively.

Did you read the post? She decided in college that they aren’t allowed to drink. Either of them. Ever.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Maybe the OP wants to drink, but because she’s pregnant, she can’t, so she just doesn’t want him drinking in front of her or excessively.

The OP is 7 weeks pregnant. They made the "no alcohol" thing when they got out of college and the OP says her husband has been hiding alcohol for years. Their profile page says they are 25 though they also mentioned being under 30 (up to a 5 years difference can mean something). Either way I'll give the benefit of the doubt that their profile page is correct. Given the timeline of college, renting a house and buying a house it's been at least several years since this decision.

Obviously the no alcohol was a sticking point long enough before the pregnancy.

 

[Hrhpd]

Hi. I have an issue that I seriously need help with. My husband has been hiding alcohol containers from me for years and I’m about to my end with it.

We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 3 of those. We’re both under 30 so not very old. I never really thought he had an issue with alcohol but this is really worrying me. We drank some in high school but once we got to college we said we wouldn’t drink anymore. I never noticed him drinking until we rented our first house. I started noticing the bottles in the basement and he said they were from the previous renters. I kind of just gave him the benefit of the doubt because he never seemed to act weird.

Fast forward to us buying our own house and I still am not drinking at all. Dh says he wants to drink occasionally which I was against but I tried being okay with a couple here and there. I then found A LOT of hidden bottles and cans in our basement like he had stockpiled them over time. There were times he would wake up and not know what he was doing or what he was saying. He woke up once and puked all over the bed. After talking to a doctor she told him it was depression and lack of sleep. So we went off that and worked on those issues but the “loopiness” continued.

Fast forward again and we moved to a new house across the country with no family nearby. I don’t have anyone here to talk to about this except texting with my parents. It got so bad one night that I left and went to a hotel. The thing is he doesn’t appear to be drinking very much. When he’s around me it’s just 3-4 beers and that shouldn’t affect him but his words start slurring and he gets sooo annoying. He talks nonstop and switches moods like crazy. My parents visited not too long ago and witnessed him starting to act a little different after having a few beers. Dh and I had a long talk and agreed we would both work on our issues: me not controlling what he drinks so he can be in control and him working on his control.

Tonight I went to workout for 45 minutes and came back to an annoying Dh. I didn’t smell alcohol on his breath but he had gum and ate mints. I asked if he had anything to drink and he said no that he was just tired. I practically had to force him to go to bed since he works tomorrow morning. I then went to search the garage and found 4 beer cans and a small bottle of fireball in a red cooler in his trunk. I know he had those tonight because I just put that red cooler away today in our kitchen. He woke up and said he was going to the bathroom. None of his sentences made sense and he had no idea what he was saying.

Here’s the kicker: I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I just can’t do this anymore. I am so stressed all the time waiting for the next time he’ll act “loopy”. I don’t get why so few drinks can affect him the way it does. He refuses to go see someone and thinks he has it under control but he clearly doesn’t.

Is there any hope? I’m severely close to flying back home and living with my parents but I love him so much and I just can’t think about leaving him.

to the DIS and the Community board.


I applaud you that every suggestion the good people of the DIS make, your husband wakes up and you discuss. Way to take good advice!

You wouldn't happen to be a 1st grade teacher, would you?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Relationships should NOT be about what you are willing to give up. That is not a healthy way to live life. Relationships should be about what you can do together and what can be gained from being in them.

If you are considering your relationship a "sacrifice" you will ultimately resent the person you are sacrificing for. Never go into a relationship with a "compromise". Relationships shouldn't be about settling or making do with what you have.

I can guarantee you that my husband and I did not settle and we have never had to ask the other to give up, sacrifice or end any sort of practice, activity or lifestyle. We got into our relationship and solidified it after going through every permeation of our likes and dislikes that we could think of and confirming that they other person would be happy living with that life.

I personally dislike the idea that relationships are "about compromise". Because the kind of compromise they are talking about is always where one person has to give up there standards for another persons comfort. That sucks, you shouldn't have to do that, ever.

I agree though I would add that compromise takes on different forms in a relationship.

What you're talking about is a compromise in which someone loses part of themselves in the interests of maintaining the relationship.

But there are many compromises that happen in a relationship that keep it going and at least mostly harmonious that don't have you doing it.

Examples "we see this movie but next time it's my choice", "I'd like to go to this place for dinner but I know you would rather go to this other place, so next time let's go to the place I'd like to", etc. If you're always wanting your way or the highway that tends to be a different type of relationship.

 

[Disneylover99]

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

It sounds like he’s drinking heavily right before bed and the alcohol isn’t kicking in right away. So you see him as sober, but he’s having a drunk sleep. I bet he’s drinking waaaay more then you even realize.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You wouldn't happen to be a 1st grade teacher, would you?

I feel the need to know the origin stories of this one because I just know there's a good backstory on this one

 

[TipsyTraveler]

to the DIS and the Community board.


I applaud you that every suggestion the good people of the DIS make, your husband wakes up and you discuss. Way to take good advice!

You wouldn't happen to be a 1st grade teacher, would you?

Eh, I believe this one. Hold on, let me ask this question to confirm.

OP, how would you describe your mother-in-law’s reaction to not getting her way?

The answer to that will tell us if this is true.

 

[Feralpeg]

OP, You might want him to see a doctor. It's very odd that he's only disoriented after he wakes up. His mood swings could be from a lot of things. You may not like him drinking, but most guys can handle more than a few beers without having mood swings. He could very well have something else medical going on and the alcohol is making it worse.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

Fwiw, when woken from sleep I have been known to have full conversations that I can't remember that are straight gibberish. That's completely sober with no prescriptions or (diagnosed) mental issues.

It's hard to judge through the internet if he really has a problem or your views of alcohol are clouding that assessment. Hiding actions is usually a huge red flag but it sounds like he has tried to discuss this and it's not open to discussion... but you also can't articulate a reason why you are against it. I fall into the category that there are likely issues on both sides here based on that and couples counseling would be good. Be sure to approach it from a position of wanting to understand as it sounds like you may be the more vocal one in the relationship and he might not be articulating his full feelings.

 

[Eeyore2142]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and opinions. Dh ended up waking up and coming out while I was on the couch before I even fell asleep. We had a really long talk about everything and he explained the beer cans and the liquor bottle.

He just ordered a pregnancy book recently and started reading it early yesterday morning while I was sleeping. He got pretty far which I was impressed by because he normally isn’t a reader. He told me after reading it he knew he wanted to make a change and stop drinking for at least the month of September. He wanted to show me he could change and go without it. This was his explanation for the cooler in the trunk. He said while I was at the gym he was in the process of getting rid of all of the cans he had hidden because he wanted to start fresh.

At this point, I’m willing to believe him. I told him how I felt about the mood swings and about him waking up not knowing what he’s saying. I researched something awhile ago called “sleep drunkenness” and I do believe that’s something coming into play here. It describes exactly what happens to him. It talks about when someone is woken up within the first part of their REM cycle and they aren’t able to control what they’re saying. He’s never a danger to me or to himself. He simply just doesn’t make sense because he’s basically still in a sleep state and can’t get his thoughts out the right way.

I did ask him what would happen if he has to wake up and take care of the baby. His response was he would be more alert because he knows he’ll be in charge of another human being.

As for the medication, he doesn’t take any medications. I know this for a fact because he actually used to and it seemed like it was making things worse. He takes ibuprofen throughout the day because he has chronic foot pain but that’s the only medication he takes.

We made the decision together that he has two months to show me he can change. Whether that’s to stop drinking completely or show he can have control. Otherwise I will be moving in with my parents. I absolutely do not want to do that but unfortunately it might have to come to that. He knows I’m very serious about it and I do believe he wants to see a change in himself. He wants to do this on his own without seeing someone and that’s why I’m slightly worried about but I’m not going to force him into something he’s uncomfortable with because I feel like that’s counterintuitive. He has to want to see someone otherwise he’s just there for me.

His reasoning for hiding the cans is because he says I limit how much he can drink and I do think that has been an issue. I’ve always kind of been on him about having no more than 3 beers and he needs to make that choice himself otherwise he feels like I’m his mom telling him what to do. So he hides the beer in the garage and said he’ll drink one extra beer or two in there without me knowing. He was very open about hiding them and why he felt like he needed to do that. I’ve always been a little demanding in our relationship, and it all started in high school. We were both just very obsessed with each other and it got to the point where we were almost smothering each other so it’s been an issue from the beginning. I’m not trying to make excuses for him but I do think me watching over everything he does has made him feel the need to hide the drinking. Now that doesn’t excuse him drinking slightly too much every now in then and he knows now that he needs to control himself and needs to start noticing if he’s slurring or acting differently.

I’m just trying to get all of my thoughts out there and everything we talked about last night.

I also want to go back to this for a moment and point out that “sleep drunkeness” often has NOTHING to do with alcohol.

https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep/sleep-drunkenness#symptoms
Honestly, at this point, I have decided that OP has made her decision that her husband is a drunk no matter what and has spun it that way. I have been around drunks. I have been around people that want people to drunks. I have been around people that need counseling. I can tell you which I’m seeing here. Facts. They matter

 

[AllyReggie]

But there are many compromises that happen in a relationship that keep it going and at least mostly harmonious that don't have you doing it.

True, there are healthy compromises that don't take from one party or another. But most of the time people talking about "Life is really full of compromises" or "marriage is about compromise" are really saying "Marriage is about settling for what works currently, and dealing with your resentment and dissatisfaction in private" and I always get jumpy at the idea of sacrifice for a relationship.

I'd take a bullet for my husband, but that isn't the same thing as being controlled or coerced into standing in front of him to protect him from bullets that might come flying.

 

[DisneyDillyDally]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think some of what I said got turned into a little more severe than it actually is. He’s only gotten sick twice in the last 3 years. It’s not like he throws up every week or anything like that. I’m not making excuses for him but don’t want anyone thinking it’s a regular thing. Both times were after he fell asleep.

The whole not knowing what he’s saying or doing only happens after he’s been asleep and wakes up again after sleeping for about an hour or less. It’s always when he wakes up and has to go to the bathroom. Again this doesn’t happen all the time but happens more frequently than the puking. It only happens when he forgets to go to the bathroom before bed.

The thing that I’ve been noticing more often is the free talking and mood swings. It’s gotten to the point where I dread weekends because that’s when I notice it most. He’ll come home from work on Friday and talk nonstop. Normally he’s a quieter guy and he says that’s because I talk so much (which I’ve been working on because I really do talk too much). He’ll get all lovey and then when he notices I’m annoyed and don’t respond he’ll say “fine I just won’t talk” and gets pouty. This literally happens like every weekend now. It’s like he’s a child. When he gets this way I just try to force him to go to bed.

I typed up a huge email but I’m thinking I won’t send it to him. It’s probably better if we talk in person. I’m currently laying on our couch because I just can’t go lay by him in bed. I’m sure he’ll wake up in the morning and be confused. I’m not sure how I’ll confront him tomorrow but I plan to wait until after work so he doesn’t have to deal with it at work

I guess I’m just wondering if it really is alcohol related or something else is going on? He’s talked to doctors and they’ve told him it’s sleep or depression, but never alcohol related. So that’s what he believes

The non-stop talking sounds a bit like mania, which is experienced with bipolar depression. People with undiagnosed bipolar depression can self-medicate with alcohol.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm not seeing where the OP unilaterally made the decision about both of them not drinking, unless I missed something later.

From the OP:

Hi. I have an issue that I seriously need help with. My husband has been hiding alcohol containers from me for years and I’m about to my end with it.

We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 3 of those. We’re both under 30 so not very old. I never really thought he had an issue with alcohol but this is really worrying me. We drank some in high school but once we got to college we said we wouldn’t drink anymore. I never noticed him drinking until we rented our first house. I started noticing the bottles in the basement and he said they were from the previous renters. I kind of just gave him the benefit of the doubt because he never seemed to act weird.

Fast forward to us buying our own house and I still am not drinking at all. Dh says he wants to drink occasionally which I was against but I tried being okay with a couple here and there. I then found A LOT of hidden bottles and cans in our basement like he had stockpiled them over time. There were times he would wake up and not know what he was doing or what he was saying. He woke up once and puked all over the bed. After talking to a doctor she told him it was depression and lack of sleep. So we went off that and worked on those issues but the “loopiness” continued.

Fast forward again and we moved to a new house across the country with no family nearby. I don’t have anyone here to talk to about this except texting with my parents. It got so bad one night that I left and went to a hotel. The thing is he doesn’t appear to be drinking very much. When he’s around me it’s just 3-4 beers and that shouldn’t affect him but his words start slurring and he gets sooo annoying. He talks nonstop and switches moods like crazy. My parents visited not too long ago and witnessed him starting to act a little different after having a few beers. Dh and I had a long talk and agreed we would both work on our issues: me not controlling what he drinks so he can be in control and him working on his control.

Tonight I went to workout for 45 minutes and came back to an annoying Dh. I didn’t smell alcohol on his breath but he had gum and ate mints. I asked if he had anything to drink and he said no that he was just tired. I practically had to force him to go to bed since he works tomorrow morning. I then went to search the garage and found 4 beer cans and a small bottle of fireball in a red cooler in his trunk. I know he had those tonight because I just put that red cooler away today in our kitchen. He woke up and said he was going to the bathroom. None of his sentences made sense and he had no idea what he was saying.

Here’s the kicker: I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I just can’t do this anymore. I am so stressed all the time waiting for the next time he’ll act “loopy”. I don’t get why so few drinks can affect him the way it does. He refuses to go see someone and thinks he has it under control but he clearly doesn’t.

Is there any hope? I’m severely close to flying back home and living with my parents but I love him so much and I just can’t think about leaving him.

It sounds like a) it was a joint decision initially and b) the OP has tried to compromise already, but things have gotten worse.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I'm not seeing where the OP unilaterally made the decision about both of them not drinking, unless I missed something later.

From post #71 in bold:

We just had a talk again and he agreed we could go to couples therapy but he is very frustrated. He feels like I’m attacking him and is convinced we could get through these issues on our own. He is complaining about the cost of therapy and I told him our happiness is worth a lot more than money.

I do think we have a lot of underlying issues that are much bigger than the alcohol. It may sound like I’m making excuses for him but I’m being realistic about my side of things. He owned up to the hiding of things and said it was 100% his fault. He said it was irresponsible and not right for him to blame that on me. I’ve been very strict on alcohol and I can’t give a great reason why that is. I kind of decided for the both of us that we wouldn’t drink anymore and that wasn’t right for me to do. It’s not a religious thing. I just don’t like alcohol and see it as pointless and that’s because I don’t personally use it. It’s hard for me to change my view point but I think I have a very unhealthy view of alcohol. It’s very possible for someone (my parents and entire family) to drink casually without it being a problem. Dh sees my family behaving this way but all he hears from me is how much I hate it. I’m not sure I take enough time to listen to how he feels about things.

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

I don’t know. I’m sure it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am but I’m not ready to just give up on him. I’m 100% willing to stick it through this with him but he has to put in the work too.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

From post #71 in bold:

Ah, thanks. Confusing

 

[Hrhpd]

Eh, I believe this one. Hold on, let me ask this question to confirm.

OP, how would you describe your mother-in-law’s reaction to not getting her way?

The answer to that will tell us if this is true.

Maybe. A 20 something finding a Disney Discussion site, the Community Board at that, buried among a ton of different boards to reveal her deepest, darkest secrets, though?

I guess it could be true because there is no mention of her husband's police dog.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Maybe. A 20 something finding a Disney Discussion site, the Community Board at that, buried among a ton of different boards to reveal her deepest, darkest secrets, though?

I guess it could be true because there is no mention of her husband's police dog.

I assumed it was a regular poster who went anon for this. But who knows.

 

[ronandannette]

Did you read the post? She decided in college that they aren’t allowed to drink. Either of them. Ever.

...and additionally described a relationship that began in adolescence and had some typically immature dynamics that carried over to the couple's marriage. People grow and learn, certainly, but some of those patterns that have become entrenched are mutually dysfunctional and both parties here need help.

@Anonymous123 you certainly don't need to give up - far from it. What you do need is to recognize this is about much more than his drinking. He could stop drinking tomorrow (although I doubt that will happen) and you still will not have a healthy marriage. I stand by my earlier advice that you should see a professional on your own and have that person read through your posts here. They make certain things very obvious. As before, I wish you both well.

 

[Anonymous123]

Whew I just got done reading through all of those posts. I’m gonna try to answer all of the questions as best as I can but I may miss a few. This is not a fake post and I’m not sure why someone would think it is. We are both in our mid 20s. I am not a first grade teacher lol (a little curious about that one). We live in the south but aren’t around drinking that often so the atmosphere isn’t necessarily a component. Being around my family is a component because they are all big drinkers but we will only see them around Christmas time.

Dh and I decided together when we went to college that we wouldn’t drink. I didn’t decide for us. I do wonder if he kind of just agreed to avoid confrontation though. He’s more introverted and doesn’t do great with confrontation. He has even admitted to being a pushover at home and at work and it is something he constantly works on.

I don’t think I ever once called Dh a drunk or even an alcoholic. Maybe some of my descriptions are exaggerated. I’m trying to post honestly but I know my judgement might get in the way when I post my feelings and side of things. I admit to having unhealthy views on alcohol and I do want to work on that. I WANT to be okay with Dh drinking. I just need to figure out a good way to do that. I don’t want him feeling like he has to hide it. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually seen him full on drunk before. He starts to slur and act annoying but I wouldn’t say that’s drunk. I would say that’s more tipsy. The big thing is really that he was hiding it. I’m hoping against everything that he can feel safe enough to be honest with me. I need to stop controlling what and how much he drinks. That isn’t my decision and never should’ve been.

When I said I found A LOT of cans and bottles that’s because he had stockpiled them over time. I’m talking like a year’s worth of time. That was at our old house before we moved.

Dh said the reason he doesn’t want to do couples therapy is because of the cost but also because he thinks each therapist would have a different opinion. I’m wondering if really he’s just nervous to talk in front of someone. I read online about doing couples therapy at home and doing skills training together. He was completely on board with this. I’m not sure if any of you have heard of this or know of any good resources. I’m very happy he’s willing to work on things even if it is at home. We both have to keep ourselves accountable though.

If I’ve missed anything please ask or let me know. This isn’t a one sided street and I’m very aware that Dh and I both have our things to work on. We’ve made lists before of things to work on and I think we just never kept ourselves accountable. We’ll go in spurts where we do great and then it slowly goes away. Finding a skills workshop or communication workshop would be beneficial and I’m thinking a good start.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Whew I just got done reading through all of those posts. I’m gonna try to answer all of the questions as best as I can but I may miss a few. This is not a fake post and I’m not sure why someone would think it is. We are both in our mid 20s. I am not a first grade teacher lol (a little curious about that one). We live in the south but aren’t around drinking that often so the atmosphere isn’t necessarily a component. Being around my family is a component because they are all big drinkers but we will only see them around Christmas time.

Dh and I decided together when we went to college that we wouldn’t drink. I didn’t decide for us. I do wonder if he kind of just agreed to avoid confrontation though. He’s more introverted and doesn’t do great with confrontation. He has even admitted to being a pushover at home and at work and it is something he constantly works on.

I don’t think I ever once called Dh a drunk or even an alcoholic. Maybe some of my descriptions are exaggerated. I’m trying to post honestly but I know my judgement might get in the way when I post my feelings and side of things. I admit to having unhealthy views on alcohol and I do want to work on that. I WANT to be okay with Dh drinking. I just need to figure out a good way to do that. I don’t want him feeling like he has to hide it. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually seen him full on drunk before. He starts to slur and act annoying but I wouldn’t say that’s drunk. I would say that’s more tipsy. The big thing is really that he was hiding it. I’m hoping against everything that he can feel safe enough to be honest with me. I need to stop controlling what and how much he drinks. That isn’t my decision and never should’ve been.

When I said I found A LOT of cans and bottles that’s because he had stockpiled them over time. I’m talking like a year’s worth of time. That was at our old house before we moved.

Dh said the reason he doesn’t want to do couples therapy is because of the cost but also because he thinks each therapist would have a different opinion. I’m wondering if really he’s just nervous to talk in front of someone. I read online about doing couples therapy at home and doing skills training together. He was completely on board with this. I’m not sure if any of you have heard of this or know of any good resources. I’m very happy he’s willing to work on things even if it is at home. We both have to keep ourselves accountable though.

If I’ve missed anything please ask or let me know. This isn’t a one sided street and I’m very aware that Dh and I both have our things to work on. We’ve made lists before of things to work on and I think we just never kept ourselves accountable. We’ll go in spurts where we do great and then it slowly goes away. Finding a skills workshop or communication workshop would be beneficial and I’m thinking a good start.

And your mother-in-law?