Solved the puzzle

[disneychrista]

We are going to counciling together at the rnd of the month but like you said he is set in his ways for what ever reason i strive for growth

That's a great first step. Maybe with the help of your counselor you & your DH can find activities to do together.

 

[Emtgirljen]

Like i said pervous post cant imagine live with out dh

But any time a friend recommends I try something new to improve my quality of life he ask why do i want to go though the trouble

Maybe he's afraid of change and that's why he's so set in his ways now. He's comfortable in his routines, and trying something new might seem scary and too much "trouble".

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Maybe he's afraid of change and that's why he's so set in his ways now. He's comfortable in his routines, and trying something new might seem scary and too much "trouble".

I can see that but how do I keep improving my life with out coming of like a jerk or being selfish

 

[ronandannette]

I can see that but how do I keep improving my life with out coming of like a jerk or being selfish

It's a balance in every marriage; there are times when each person must put their own wants/preferences aside for the good of the other and the overall good of the relationship. Neither person can defer completely to the other but then again, neither should expect to entirely run their own agenda either.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

It's a balance in every marriage; there are times when each person must put their own wants/preferences aside for the good of the other and the overall good of the relationship. Neither person can defer completely to the other but then again, neither should expect to entirely run their own agenda either.

And thats where i messed up but i have learned not to beat up myself to mych over my pass I can only live my life bassed on the info i have at the time

 

[disneychrista]

And thats where i messed up but i have learned not to beat up myself to mych over my pass I can only live my life bassed on the info i have at the time

As long as we learn from our mistakes, they really aren't mistakes they are life lessons.

 

[ronandannette]

And thats where i messed up but i have learned not to beat up myself to mych over my pass I can only live my life bassed on the info i have at the time

It really can't be one-sided. Your DH, ideally, will come to understand that certain things are important to you and support you in interests that are healthy and positive. For your part, you also need to understand his feelings and not let your own pursuits completely dominate your time and attention. Like I said - it's a balance and all of us that are happily married have had to learn and grown with one another.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

It really can't be one-sided. Your DH, ideally, will come to understand that certain things are important to you and support you in interests that are healthy and positive. For your part, you also need to understand his feelings and not let your own pursuits completely dominate your time and attention. Like I said - it's a balance and all of us that are happily married have had to learn and grown with one another.

Like i said earlier creapy relationship we did not start on the same level like most adults do I had to run to catch up to him just like growing up i had to run to catch up to my peers i never expected to catch up to him

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Thought i was getting closer to solving this puzzle no luck not saying we are seperating or anything but

First i am not home enough and when I am home i give him too much attention

I know i said i did not want to seperate but if he wants to be ignored completely does he want one from me i mean here i was thinking i was not giving him enough attention and he says i give too much

Its no longer about can i take care of me and the cats its coming home to a empty house for the first time in 13 years

But i can do what i want with out him trying to parent me

And i can eat veggies 2 to 3 times a day

 

[disneychrista]

Thought i was getting closer to solving this puzzle no luck not saying we are seperating or anything but

Hang in there. Marriage is work. I hope that the counseling helps.

 

[RangerPooh]

Marriage is hard work. It's ok to not have the same hobbies, but finding common interests and ways to spend time together helps.

It's not your fault that you've grown in your abilities and interests. We all do that. But what is concerning is that he is not growing but rather staying the same and is frustrated that you are continuing to grow. Do not let him bring you down. That is an unhealthy path; emotionally.

I know that you mentioned that he has agreed to attend counseling at the end of the month, and hopefully he attends. You mentioned in a previous post that he got mad at you and stormed out. Hopefully he has grown since then and is willing to accept this meeting. If he doesn't then it's on him. You can only do so much to encourage him to talk, to share, and to grow.

As for a job, I've live din many communities (large and small, rural and urban) that have had programs for individuals with disabilities to assist them with job placement. The key is to be open to the possibilities and to accept the training and advice provided.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

We did not have couples counseling today but i did have it and i talked to her and my mom i did not relize i was stepping on toes when i was just trying to be independent but we still might see his just to get his or her pointbof view i want dh to live a better quality life then what he is living

 

[disneychrista]

i want dh to live a better quality life then what he is living

Unfortunately this is something HE wants to want.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

We did not have couples counseling today but i did have it and i talked to her and my mom i did not relize i was stepping on toes when i was just trying to be independent but we still might see his just to get his or her pointbof view i want dh to live a better quality life then what he is living

Is he unhappy with his life? We all have a different idea of what a good life is.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

Stay positive!
It can be hard to face change, sounds like you are embracing the adventure like Rapunzel with a frying pan and he.... might not be.
I hope you can grow together but ultimately you must develop into the person you are capable of being.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Is he unhappy with his life? We all have a different idea of what a good life is.

Happy people are not angry

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Obviously, I don't know him, but I can honestly say that I wouldn't be happy, if my DH all of a sudden started changing everything about himself & tried to force me to do the same. I think counseling is definitely needed to help both of you through this life change.

 

[morgan98]

OP, I do realize from posts over the years that you and your husband have some different needs and a different dynamic. I know because of this, your mom is more involved than what I would consider to be normal in your marriage.

I would encourage you, as you be able to do more for yourself and put yourself out there, that YOU consider your husband in all of this too. It seems that your mother is telling him what to do, when to do it, etc and he probably feels like the two of your are ganging up on him. The counseling needs to be with you and your husband. Listening to your mother above or instead of your husband seems to be an issue. I would be angry too if I had to deal with my MIL overly involved in my marriage.

 

[cabanafrau]

Obviously, I don't know him, but I can honestly say that I wouldn't be happy, if my DH all of a sudden started changing everything about himself & tried to force me to do the same. I think counseling is definitely needed to help both of you through this life change.

What about situations where both halves of the couple are in a rut with things like sedentary lifestyle, bad eating habits, becoming potatoes rooted to the sofa, not getting out socializing, etc? Let's say one partner goes to the doctor, the doctor warns trouble is on the horizon if some changes aren't made, partner takes it seriously, goes home and shares the situation with their spouse and begins to make (sensible) adjustments to avoid a health crisis. Spouse may even say, oh yeah, we should do something, yet won't follow through and as time goes on begins to grumble because their partner suddenly isn't content with pizza for dinner followed by ice cream and their favorite shows, instead choosing to go for a bike ride after dinner or take the dog for a walk. Maybe the mate who doesn't want to change their ways is even battling depression and their anxiety is causing them to get angry their partner is "changing the rules".

If the spouse making the lifestyle change isn't forcing their mate to make the changes and isn't actually refusing to spend any time with their spouse, should the spouse making the healthier lifestyle adjustments be forced to go back to unhealthy living, or should they just keep encouraging the reluctant partner to make some small adjustments? It's not uncommon for one spouse making healthy lifestyle changes to face backlash from a reluctant mate -- and for the balance of the relationship to be thrown off.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Obviously, I don't know him, but I can honestly say that I wouldn't be happy, if my DH all of a sudden started changing everything about himself & tried to force me to do the same. I think counseling is definitely needed to help both of you through this life change.

1I am just maturing 10 to 20 years behind my peers my husband does not have to do anything he doea not want to in my book if i am maturing to quickly for him he is free to leave