Tantrums

[nugov2]

And I have to say, every time someone posts "nip it in the bud" all I can think of is this classic TV scene:
Andy: Barney, these are just boys you're talkin' about. They're only about 8 years old.
Barney: yeah, well today's 8-year olds are tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters goin' wrong you got to nip it in the bud!
Andy: I'm gonna have a talk with 'em. Now what more do you want me to do?
Barney: Well, just don't mollycoddle 'em.
Andy: I won't.
Barney: Nip it! You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline and you'll find that every one of them is in favor of bud-nippin'.
Andy: I'll take care of it.
Barney: Only one way to take care of it.
Andy: Nip it.
Barney: In the bud.

I guess that is why Mayberry was the ideal town. There were no kids throwing tantrums or misbehaving because their parents all knew how to nip it in the bud!!

My dad was a huge Andy Griffith fan and I remember that episode

 

[Airship Ariadne]

I guess that is why Mayberry was the ideal town. There were no kids throwing tantrums or misbehaving because their parents all knew how to nip it in the bud!!

My dad was a huge Andy Griffith fan and I remember that episode

Ahh, but that's the point, even in Mayberry kids were kids...Barney was all about taking the stern hand, and Andy used compassion.

I grew up on this show in reruns (came on right before Gilligan's Island)...been amazed at how much I inadvertently learned from Andy's parenting style (odd because I still can't build any machines from coconuts and bamboo).

 

[msmama]

OP, what kind of stroller are you taking. One thing I really liked about the citi mini is that it has a really big sun shade which could be pulled down and it almost formed a cocoon My son spent lots of time in there decompressing between rides and if he was feeling overwhelmed.

It was nice having a quiet soot for him, but we could also keep moving.

 

[OZMom]

OP, what kind of stroller are you taking. One thing I really liked about the citi mini is that it has a really big sun shade which could be pulled down and it almost formed a cocoon My son spent lots of time in there decompressing between rides and if he was feeling overwhelmed.

It was nice having a quiet soot for him, but we could also keep moving.

This is genius. I have a BOB double jogger and it also has a large shade, so I am keeping this tip in mind while we're in the park. Thanks!!

 

[aprilgamer]

My DS gets overwhelmed at WDW, heck so do I. Besides snacks, we also have little toys with us in lines. When DS was 2 he loved stickers, so we’d bring several packs of stickers and a little spiral book for him to put them in. He is 7 now, but it still really helps him to have something to hold on to during the trip, so every trip, Mickey leaves him a plush gift on the bed.

The biggest thing that has helped us is exactly what you are doing now, planning. My DH and I had a plan for almost every situation. For example, I love PhilharMagic, but the effects can be too much for DS (he still wants to see it). Since it was a ride I wanted to go on, DH took him out. And I took him out of LMA so DH could see the he wanted.

The good news is we rarely had a tantrum. I think because we were calm, he was calm. And now that he is older he can be a part of the plan. Our last trip he carried ear plugs in his pocket, so if noise was too much he would pop them in.

 

[ladyjubilee]

I've started and deleted several responses... but have decided to add my two cents.

I've parented 8 children. Their needs ranged from simple ADD to full blown personality disorder with psychotic breaks any homicidal ideation. My son has autism, on the severe side. I know tantrums and have the scars to prove it.

Every child is different. Every tantrums/meltdown/explosion is different. Tantrums can be:

Developmentally appropriate, part of the child separation and development of self

Communication, where the child just can't express appropriately

Manipulation, the kid wants what they want and knows you'll cave

Sensory overload, the child is just totally out of control

Medical, a child just doesn't feel good (one of my son's worst meltdown occurred at WDW. Turned out it was a type of seizure.)

And any of a thousand more reasons. Each of which has to be addressed based on the situation.....

but to the original OP.... it sounds like the underlying concern is being embarrassed by your child's behavior. I've definitely been there. But as parents we act for the long term, not those minutes or hours. Most people understand if they see you actively addressing the behavior, even if that means actively ignoring the behavior. And if they don't who cares? Your focus is your child not some stranger.

Finally, if you are just starting to address the behavior, be aware that it WILL get worse before it gets better. Tantrums are how kids control their world. They'll struggle to keep that control as you introduce more appropriate methods.

So that's my pennies.

 

[ponyboy]

I guess I just don't get why you won't share what the strategy is. How exactly do you not allow a child to throw a tantrum.

With my kids, it was pretty easy. I'd tell them to stop before they ever really got started. If you've been dealing with it for years then there's probably not much you can do at this point.

 

[Lolsmum]

With my kids, it was pretty easy. I'd tell them to stop before they ever really got started. If you've been dealing with it for years then there's probably not much you can do at this point.

So you had the kind of kids who worked up to a tantrum, rather than the kind who exploded out of nowhere. Those are far easier to stop. For my son, that kind of approach worked. For my daughter? Not a chance. From birth she went from calm and placid to screaming her head off in the blink of an eye, and once the screaming started there was no way to stop it. She has gotten a handle on it over time, but really at 2 and even at 4 she had no clue how to do it and an adult telling her to stop was as effective as me telling you to grow wings and fly.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

If I'm staring, it's only because I'm trying to assess the situation, not because I'm judging you. I'm trying to see if there's anything that I could do to help you break the tantrum. If your kid is screaming because he wants a park map I might quietly offer it to you if I have an extra. Or if he's wearing a lanyard I might encourage one of my kids to trade pins with him, to distract him from the tantrum. Sometimes that little bit of interaction with a stranger can break a tantrum, especially if the tantrum is merely a show for mom and dad, it doesn't usually work for overstimulation. Sometimes if I'm staring it's because I'm trying to determine whether you would welcome help, some people don't want others interfering in family matters.

I agree with what others have said; Disney is the best place for tantrums. Most of your fellow vacationers are parents, we've all dealt with tantrums and most of us can sympathize. In my experience, Disney employees are tantrum experts and won't blink an eye at your kids tantrum as long as he's not in harm's way. So do whatever works best for your child and don't worry what others think.

 

[Airship Ariadne]

If I'm staring, it's only because I'm trying to assess the situation, not because I'm judging you. I'm trying to see if there's anything that I could do to help you break the tantrum.

true, reminds me of what happened in the grocery store about a year ago, we were in one eisle and from the other was a baby screaming loudly, everyone was avoiding the scene, after a bit DW went over to see what was the matter, it was a young (under 25) mom and a one year old, and he had gotten his foot caught by putting it on the wrong side of the cart seat and it was turning purple. The mom was hyperventallating trying to get the leg back out but couldn't, and the kid was in pain...luckily they were in the pharmacy section so DW called the pharmacist over to see and bring some petrolum jelly to get the leg out.

Now had she done like everyone else and just assumed the mom couldn;t "control" her kid, or "make him behave", you know, "nip it in the bud" but that's not DW.

Every child is different, and you shouldn't judge parents that are dealing with tantrums, because every kid has them at some time, and some have them worse...and it isn't because of poor or relaxed parenting...it is all about the personality. Many of the worst tantrums couldn't have been stopped by making the kid afraid of having them...that only works in some kids. Children are not adults, they have not learned to control their emotions. They have to learn how to handle things from their parents.

 

[nugov2]

With my kids, it was pretty easy. I'd tell them to stop before they ever really got started. If you've been dealing with it for years then there's probably not much you can do at this point.

And with my middle guy that would work 99.9% of the time, but older and younger not so much. There are consequences after any tantrum and they know it. I don't get into anything during the tantrum I just ignore it until it ends and then talk about it after. Like others have posted every child is different and their temperament is different. I envy parents with kids who they could just nip tantrums in the bud. Tantrums are the bane of my existence, my least favorite thing about parenting. I don't know anyone who has kids who don't tantrum, but some do it more than others or are just more explosive. I think children who don't tantrum are the exception not the rule though.

 

[pfp258]

Children should not be ignored or they will never learn how to cope with the strong feelings (tantrum) they are feeling. Instead label and validate your child's feelings. " you seem angry, upset, mad etc. that we have to leave this area, stop our fun for a lunch etc. it's okay to be mad,frustrated, angry but you may not throw things, spit, hit. And then model appropriate ways to express anger, fear, frustration. When I'm mad I sometimes need to sit alone for a few minutes, would that help you? Or I'm going to hold you close to make sure you and everyone around are safe, I can let go when these angry feelings are over.

 

[pfp258]

And sometimes worst of all is parents threatening or yelling at their kids to stop crying.....children should be able to have feelings just like adults. They will indeed calm down at some point.

 

[nugov2]

Children should not be ignored or they will never learn how to cope with the strong feelings (tantrum) they are feeling. Instead label and validate your child's feelings. " you seem angry, upset, mad etc. that we have to leave this area, stop our fun for a lunch etc. it's okay to be mad,frustrated, angry but you may not throw things, spit, hit. And then model appropriate ways to express anger, fear, frustration. When I'm mad I sometimes need to sit alone for a few minutes, would that help you? Or I'm going to hold you close to make sure you and everyone around are safe, I can let go when these angry feelings are over.

Ignoring a tantrum and ignoring a child is different. You can't communicate with my dd at all if she throws a tantrum. It just makes it worse. She is unreasonable and anything you say or do makes it worse. I can say everything you have suggested(and have tried it) and she just gets more upset. As I stated before all kids are different and what works for one might not work for another.

 

[ponyboy]

So you had the kind of kids who worked up to a tantrum, rather than the kind who exploded out of nowhere. Those are far easier to stop. For my son, that kind of approach worked. For my daughter? Not a chance. From birth she went from calm and placid to screaming her head off in the blink of an eye, and once the screaming started there was no way to stop it. She has gotten a handle on it over time, but really at 2 and even at 4 she had no clue how to do it and an adult telling her to stop was as effective as me telling you to grow wings and fly.

I think it's a lot harder for mom's because they can't take the same approach as a dad, it's not in them. They lean towards the more nurturing and talking things over where men are more authoritative and result oriented.

Plus, take a look at me over there <----- I'm 6'2" 275lbs and kind of mean looking. When I say something people listen. I could walk up to a complete stranger and tell them to grow wings and fly and they might not be able to do it but I bet I could make them try if I wanted to

My wife's normal way of correcting the kids is telling them, "I'm going to tell your father" and that's about all she has to do. Now that they're older if they're doing something and I want them to stop I don't have to say anything, I just look at them and they know.

 

[ponyboy]

And with my middle guy that would work 99.9% of the time, but older and younger not so much. There are consequences after any tantrum and they know it. I don't get into anything during the tantrum I just ignore it until it ends and then talk about it after. Like others have posted every child is different and their temperament is different. I envy parents with kids who they could just nip tantrums in the bud. Tantrums are the bane of my existence, my least favorite thing about parenting. I don't know anyone who has kids who don't tantrum, but some do it more than others or are just more explosive. I think children who don't tantrum are the exception not the rule though.

I guess I have 5 exceptions then, although there is one common denominator

 

[ponyboy]

Children should not be ignored or they will never learn how to cope with the strong feelings (tantrum) they are feeling. Instead label and validate your child's feelings. " you seem angry, upset, mad etc. that we have to leave this area, stop our fun for a lunch etc. it's okay to be mad,frustrated, angry but you may not throw things, spit, hit. And then model appropriate ways to express anger, fear, frustration. When I'm mad I sometimes need to sit alone for a few minutes, would that help you? Or I'm going to hold you close to make sure you and everyone around are safe, I can let go when these angry feelings are over.

I can't even imagine my kids throwing things, hitting or spitting because they got mad. The appropriate way for them to express themselves when they get mad is to suck it up because that's how real life works. You don't always get what you want and it only gets worse as you grow up and you just have to make the best of it and move on. Crying and throwing a fit will never make anything better. The soon a child learns that the better off everyone is.

As my mom used to tell me when I was little, "Life isn't a bed of roses".

 

[Airship Ariadne]

I think it's a lot harder for mom's because they can't take the same approach as a dad, it's not in them. They lean towards the more nurturing and talking things over where men are more authoritative and result oriented.

Broad brush to paint with there...perhaps...or perhaps different people have different parenting methods. I'm a dad too, and "authoritarian" is not how I want to be seen...I strive for "protector" and "teacher."

Maybe because I only have one daughter (and you mention multiple kids), and if it was a son, my tactics might be different. Perhaps I would prefer your way then...don't know.

Your way works for you, that's as it should be. Me, I can't raise my daughter that way because it seems to me that for it to work she would have to fear me...kind of goes hand-in-glove with authoritarian. And instead I want to be the one she turns to when she is afraid. I've slain the monsters under the bed, and the hurt feelings of middle-school crushes gone wrong.

DW would never say, "wait till your father gets home" and I'm glad because I still really enjoy the sound of DD greeting me in the evening...I would never want her dreading the moment I came home...I don't want to be seen as someone she should ever fear walking in the door.

Maybe DW is the more authoritarian one with her...maybe because she was just like DD as a girl (DW's mother often has the best laughs at DW's expense when she calls up with a complaint over something the girl did).

I'm glad your way worked for you, I would never tell you it is wrong...it clearly isn't for you...yet it would be for me...and I think it would be for many others.

 

[ponyboy]

Broad brush to paint with there...perhaps...or perhaps different people have different parenting methods. I'm a dad too, and "authoritarian" is not how I want to be seen...I strive for "protector" and "teacher."

I wasn't saying that all men are like that, just that it's harder for women to be like that because they aren't built that way.

Maybe because I only have one daughter (and you mention multiple kids), and if it was a son, my tactics might be different. Perhaps I would prefer your way then...don't know.

I only had one daughter a long time ago. Now she's old enough that she tells her boyfriends stuff to make them somewhat scared of me. She thinks it's funny and I play along sometimes and we laugh about it.

Your way works for you, that's as it should be. Me, I can't raise my daughter that way because it seems to me that for it to work she would have to fear me...kind of goes hand-in-glove with authoritarian. And instead I want to be the one she turns to when she is afraid. I've slain the monsters under the bed, and the hurt feelings of middle-school crushes gone wrong.

I don't really deal with the crushes and boyfriend problems, my wife deals with that kind of stuff and I do a lot of the rest. Show them how to fix things, do stuff on the computer, hunting, camping, swimming. I go and play with them and their friends when they're over. I help them with their sports (wife does the band stuff), coach their teams, bring cool stuff home for them to play with or look at.

The kids have a healthy fear of me, not like a "oh no, there's dad" kind of fear but the kind of fear that keeps them in line. Not because they're afraid that they'll get in trouble but because they learned the repercussions at a young age and it was instilled in them to do the right thing so that they don't really ever do anything bad. My son got detention earlier this year in highschool for being late to a class and my youngest daughter got her "bear moved" in 1st grade for talking to her friend. That's about the extent of trouble all 5 of them have ever been in.

DW would never say, "wait till your father gets home" and I'm glad because I still really enjoy the sound of DD greeting me in the evening...I would never want her dreading the moment I came home...I don't want to be seen as someone she should ever fear walking in the door.

My wife will say that and that resolves the issue. She won't even say anything to me because there's not a reason to. So they aren't dreading me coming home because they aren't in trouble. "If you don't go clean your room like I told you to then I'm going to tell your dad" translates to "You need to clean your room now, I'm serious". It never gets to the point that she actually has to tell me anything.

Maybe DW is the more authoritarian one with her...maybe because she was just like DD as a girl (DW's mother often has the best laughs at DW's expense when she calls up with a complaint over something the girl did).

I'm glad your way worked for you, I would never tell you it is wrong...it clearly isn't for you...yet it would be for me...and I think it would be for many others.

People parent different ways. Some ways work and other ways obviously don't.

You just have to understand how to balance the punishment with the ultimate resolution. Lots of parents stop at the punishment but there's more to it than that.

When they were little and they'd do something bad enough to warrant my intervention it would start off with them going to their room and getting in their bed and laying there until I got tired of them laying there. Their age would depend on the length of time since 10 minutes to a 5 year old seems like hours. Then I'd go get them, make sure they understood what they did and give them hugs.

Sometimes they got more but I always let them know that I loved them but that whatever behavior they were doing wouldn't be tolerated.

Now, they pretty much never get punished more that a few stern words because they don't do anything bad enough to warrant it.

 

[Angel Ariel]

I wasn't saying that all men are like that, just that it's harder for women to be like that because they aren't built that way.

I only had one daughter a long time ago. Now she's old enough that she tells her boyfriends stuff to make them somewhat scared of me. She thinks it's funny and I play along sometimes and we laugh about it.

I don't really deal with the crushes and boyfriend problems, my wife deals with that kind of stuff and I do a lot of the rest. Show them how to fix things, do stuff on the computer, hunting, camping, swimming. I go and play with them and their friends when they're over. I help them with their sports (wife does the band stuff), coach their teams, bring cool stuff home for them to play with or look at.

The kids have a healthy fear of me, not like a "oh no, there's dad" kind of fear but the kind of fear that keeps them in line. Not because they're afraid that they'll get in trouble but because they learned the repercussions at a young age and it was instilled in them to do the right thing so that they don't really ever do anything bad. My son got detention earlier this year in highschool for being late to a class and my youngest daughter got her "bear moved" in 1st grade for talking to her friend. That's about the extent of trouble all 5 of them have ever been in.

My wife will say that and that resolves the issue. She won't even say anything to me because there's not a reason to. So they aren't dreading me coming home because they aren't in trouble. "If you don't go clean your room like I told you to then I'm going to tell your dad" translates to "You need to clean your room now, I'm serious". It never gets to the point that she actually has to tell me anything.

People parent different ways. Some ways work and other ways obviously don't.

You just have to understand how to balance the punishment with the ultimate resolution. Lots of parents stop at the punishment but there's more to it than that.

When they were little and they'd do something bad enough to warrant my intervention it would start off with them going to their room and getting in their bed and laying there until I got tired of them laying there. Their age would depend on the length of time since 10 minutes to a 5 year old seems like hours. Then I'd go get them, make sure they understood what they did and give them hugs.

Sometimes they got more but I always let them know that I loved them but that whatever behavior they were doing wouldn't be tolerated.

Now, they pretty much never get punished more that a few stern words because they don't do anything bad enough to warrant it.

All I'm going to say is the bolded may be how things are in your relationship, but I would be very hesitant to make such bold statements about all mothers.