Transgender child

cruisehopeful

Wishing I was taking a nap on a ship.
Joined
Oct 25, 2015
The "perfect" house guy called me back last night to make sure I was coming today but then informed me someone else offered him more $$ for the rent....and that if I can't meet it to not waste his time =( so the search continues.
That's really weird. I don't know of any place in my area that takes offers for rent. People post what the rent is and that is what it is.
I guess there's something better out there waiting for you to find it.
 

Chuck S

DVC Co-Moderator
Moderator
Joined
Feb 6, 2000
That's really weird. I don't know of any place in my area that takes offers for rent. People post what the rent is and that is what it is.
I guess there's something better out there waiting for you to find it.
It is rare, but happens here occasionally. If more than one person is interested, one may offer more rent.

I wonder if grmnshplvr has tried a real estate agent? Century 21 manages the rental on 3 of my properties, the other (in a different town) I self manage.
 

Grmnshplvr

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jul 8, 2014
That's really weird. I don't know of any place in my area that takes offers for rent. People post what the rent is and that is what it is.
I guess there's something better out there waiting for you to find it.

Granted it has been 15 years since we actually looked for a rental, but as far as I understood it, what ever the listing shows is what the rent is. Apparently not.

We did find a place this past weekend, it allows us to keep the dogs and the kids will be in the same school district which is HUGE because this school is being so accommodating for my daughter right now, allowing her to change in the nurses office, using her bathroom, and she has really opened up to the counselor there.
Plus she does have a few friends that accept her for who she is and we're not guaranteed that any where else. I dont love the apartment and its hard to get excited about moving at all but it does fit our needs for now. Going to be a crazy couple of weeks.
 
  • Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    It is rare, but happens here occasionally. If more than one person is interested, one may offer more rent.

    I wonder if grmnshplvr has tried a real estate agent? Century 21 manages the rental on 3 of my properties, the other (in a different town) I self manage.
    yes I actually reached out to a couple, all said they'd keep their eyes open but that in this particular neighborhood rentals are hard to come by and get snatched up quickly. Almost none accept animals on top of that, like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But we did find something I'm not crazy about it but if they're willing to accept 2 80 lb dogs I'll take it! It'll be temporary anyways, I'm not even going to unpack everything.
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    well we are settled into our new place. We were able to find a place in our school district that allowed the dogs. It is bigger and nicer than where we were. It definitely doesn't feel like home but I'm guessing thats because we lived in our other place for 15 years. It'll take time but we're making the most of it.

    My daughter has still been going to her counselor and group meetings...she loves both. Honestly the last month it has been kind of put aside because we were so focused on packing and finding a place. It's been hectic. We had to put our 13 year old cat down 3 weeks ago as well. =( its been a rough month.

    Last week my daughter and I went shopping and she wanted all girl shorts, said they were more comfortable. Then last saturday she was getting ready for us to go walk around niagara falls and she came out with a face full of makeup. I didn't say anything but did take note.

    I'm not sure how I feel about this counselor. I did mention it to her yesterday and she didn't really say anything. I dont feel like I'm getting any feedback from her. Maybe she is just trying to get the whole picture before she talks to me, but when I told her about the makeup and girl shorts she said my daughter told her she always feels masculine and never like a girl....so what the heck does that mean then? Is she not being honest with the counselor? and if she isn't then this counselor can't really figure out what is going on
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    @Grmnshplvr, I hope that your house search was fruitful and your family is settling into a new place :thumbsup2.

    I saw this story come up on my FB feed and thought immediately of your family: https://www.ralstonreports.com/blog/child-i-love . I hope things are going well for you {{hugs}}.

    thank you so much for this!!! I can so relate to the fears thsi father has. Honestly, when my daughter shows signs of still "being a girl" I get so hopeful...because I dont want the alternative for her. Other than the shorts and makeup she still has been fairly consistent with stating she is a boy and always has been. I still can't get use to calling her him. =(
     
  • jenniy122

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 6, 2009
    I dont feel like I'm getting any feedback from her. Maybe she is just trying to get the whole picture before she talks to me, but when I told her about the makeup and girl shorts she said my daughter told her she always feels masculine and never like a girl....so what the heck does that mean then? Is she not being honest with the counselor? and if she isn't then this counselor can't really figure out what is going on
    As someone who's been following your journey, a member of the LGBTQ community, and having been in therapy since I was 10 (18 years!): I didn't start telling my therapists ANYTHING relevant to my real issues until I was 22, 400+ miles from home, and where there was no possible way they could tell my parents what I was saying. I knew my therapist was giving my parents reports every month and telling them what I was telling her cause they'd go in for a private meeting right after my session was done. For years the only picture my parents got was "Jen seems to be holding something back, and I can't get it out of her."/"She won't answer any of my questions." (depending on how much the individual annoyed me at the time).

    I will say my family situation seems far far different from yours, but if she doesn't feel comfortable with this therapist/with therapy for whatever reason, then it's probable that she's BS-ing the therapist. It's also completely possible that the two of them have a "don't tell Mom this" agreement, and as long as it's not about violence towards herself or others (whether knowledge or intent) then the therapist isn't required to talk about it. I just never had that luxury.
     

    mamabunny

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Oct 11, 2012
    thank you so much for this!!! I can so relate to the fears thsi father has. Honestly, when my daughter shows signs of still "being a girl" I get so hopeful...because I dont want the alternative for her. Other than the shorts and makeup she still has been fairly consistent with stating she is a boy and always has been. I still can't get use to calling her him. =(
    For the most part, I don't post a lot in these parts. I pop in every now and again to see what's going on.

    I've been following along, like @jenniy122. We have one biological child; a daughter who is now 22 years old. When she was in middle school - only 12 years old - there was (what seemed like) an explosion of kids in her school coming out as LGBTQ+. It seemed like it was non-stop, and weekly, I would hear that another one of our daughter's friends had come out. Well before the end of the school year, pretty much every kid in that school questioned their sexuality and orientation. It was striking because up until that point, our community has typically been accepting of alternate lifestyles... as long as they weren't *here*, if you know what I mean.

    This was 10 years ago, when there were fewer resources, fewer counselors, and much of what was available on the Internet had to be taken with a HUGE grain of salt. We had to work our way through the situation with the only tool we had readily available to us: an unending supply of love.

    Some of parents nearly lost their minds. More than one family fell apart, more than one child was kicked to the curb and told not to come home until they could accept their biological body. Our daughter started bringing home kids with no place to go; there were many, many nights when our living room was basically a giant sleepover, and there were many, many of those nights when I would hold another mother's child who was sobbing from homesickness and fear. We opened our home and our hearts, because we couldn't bear not to, and it became a safe haven for those kids; they knew that we loved and accepted them regardless of who they were. The only thing we didn't tolerate was discrimination and disrespectful behavior (defined as "being a turd in a punchbowl" by one of the kids LOL), and everyone had to get up in the morning and go to school.

    Those kids lived with us, some for a short time, and others to this day still call our house "home", still call my husband and I "Mom and Dad". We are blessed with five wonderful children now! They drop in all the time, and bring their new boyfriend or girlfriend to meet us, join us at the holidays, and most recently one of the boys had to bring his new pickup truck right over to show Dad, and get his seal of approval!

    During that time, I talked to many of the parents. A few of them would come over to the house, but by and large, the conversations were via phone or text, and all were the same. All of those parents said the same thing to me, over and over: "I just want my kid back, the way s/he was before all this happened".

    And time, and time again, I told them that it was OK to grieve the loss of who you thought they were going to be - but that didn't have to prevent them from loving their child. That you haven't lost your child - you have only lost what you thought and hoped his/her future would be.

    One horrible night, at the height of the situation, when we had more than 20 kids every night, one of the boys was killed in a stupid, tragic, traffic accident. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and everything just... stopped. A couple of the other kids were witnesses to his death, and they shut down emotionally and mentally. I still feel physically ill when I think about that night. In that moment, most of the parents realized that they no longer cared about their childs orientation, all they cared about was that their child was safe and alive. By the day after his funeral, most of the kids were home again with their families.

    As time passed, some families developed an uneasy truce with the truth; others still refuse to acknowledge the child's identity. A few (four, to be exact) did not, and those are my children, for the last 10 years, and for forever they have a place in my heart and my home - and I make sure they know it.

    Today, there are four 22 year old adults who have non-bio parents, because their own family can't "handle" their reality. One is trans, one is bi, and two are gay. (For those of you playing along at home, our biological daughter is straight; that makes her the "weird" one of the group!)

    I'll see you at PRIDE in Austin. I'll be the proud Mommy with 5 adult kids in the parade.

    PS: I didn't write this because I want a pat on the back. I want you know - more than anything, that it's OK to be sad about the changes in your child's world. Just please never stop loving her, and never make your support conditional. Her world is scary and confusing enough right now without worrying about if Mom and Dad love her. Regardless of who she turns out to be, it doesn't change the loving heart inside of her. I promise.
     

    Duckiedee

    Every Day is Better at Disney
    Joined
    Mar 3, 2010
    Good job mama! I just wanted to say, my hubby and I see a therapist. And recently we were talking about parenting our almost 11-year-old. 11 is HARD.

    One thing he did to reassure us was that if we are asking for help and caring enough to try to do right by our kids, to support who they are, and see their good, the stuff we screw up will be inconsequential in the end.

    Do your best is my message. But try not to worry too much if you don't get it all right the first time. :) She'll be fine.

    Thank you for being the mama you are!
     

    jenniy122

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 6, 2009
    @mamabunny you've got me crying like a lost child. It's because of the wonderful warm-hearted loving people like yourself that "kids" (I'm still in denial about adulthood) like myself and yours have made it so far.
     
  • mamabunny

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Oct 11, 2012
    @mamabunny you've got me crying like a lost child. It's because of the wonderful warm-hearted loving people like yourself that "kids" (I'm still in denial about adulthood) like myself and yours have made it so far.
    LOL *I* am still in denial about adulthood, and my big 'ol #56 is coming up in about 3 weeks or so! ;) Between you and me, I'm telling everyone that I'm just celebrating the 40th anniversary of my 16th birthday! ;)

    (((hugs))) You want to be a part of the Bunny family? Come on over - everyone is welcome, and I will always be glad to add another 'lil rabbit to my family! :)
     

    Terri_Berri

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    May 3, 2016
    thank you so much for this!!! I can so relate to the fears thsi father has. Honestly, when my daughter shows signs of still "being a girl" I get so hopeful...because I dont want the alternative for her. Other than the shorts and makeup she still has been fairly consistent with stating she is a boy and always has been. I still can't get use to calling her him. =(
    Hi. I’m happy you found a new place to live. Sorry I lurked on your thread for a little while. But I wanted to share a couple thoughts.

    Trans people exhibit a lot of peculiar behaviors. Sometimes they join the military or do really tough stuff to validate their masculinity or sometimes they have several children and raise a family or sometimes they put their lives on hold for fear of telling a parent or coming out in general. And kids are also still finding themselves and all of that stuff. If/when your child wishes to transition, it will be on their own timeline. Don’t let any therapist or outside pressures influence any decisions to rush something or push you or your child into one direction or another.I didn’t really think about any sort of trans issues until I hit puberty and then I started to realize how different I felt. If your child does something really girly, it could be that they just don’t feel like being starred at or explaining themselves for a while. I would do things like that, just wear whatever I was supposed to or act however I was expected, so that it just wouldn’t be an issue. Usually these are denial behaviors. However somebody manages them and under whatever circumstances are really just up to the individual. I’m not a therapist so I don’t really know, but I’ve known hundreds of trans people and none of them followed the same path. Sometimes trans people even de-transition for lots of other reasons.

    I just want to say, that no matter what I did, my parents were always my biggest supporters and advocates. They told me they would love me regardless of how I looked or how I acted or what anyone else thought of me and that I would never need to be afraid to be myself. That was powerfully reassuring. Good luck with everything and don’t worry so much about the “alternative” because it’s really not that bad:)
     

    happypaws

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Mar 12, 2011
    Hi there! I know your thread was started awhile ago, but I just wanted to say how impressed I am by the relationship you have with your child! Your willingness to listen and nurture their exploration of identity means so much during this age where there is a lot of change. Know that is ok for you to feel the struggle with changes that deviate from what is traditionally considered "normal".
    All of our stories are different in the LGBTQ community, but we all have felt like the outsider at one point or another. My mom struggled for a very long time with my sexual orientation (thought I'm pretty gender normative). My mom is a person very focused on appearances and how those are interpreted by others, ie her translation is fear for my safety for being "different," etc. However we have grown to have a better relationship now than we ever had before my coming out.
    I feel your struggle with resources in Western NY. I too live in Buffalo now. Like others have mentioned, Rochester (where I grew up) does have a pretty strong community, though by reading some of your later posts, sounds like you linked in to some Buffalo resources too.
    I know many schools have lgbt interest groups/clubs (my high school back in rochester did, which provided a good peer community), maybe something available at your child's new school?
    Thank you for sharing your family's story. Sending some buffalove your way and hope things are going well after the move.
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    Its been a while since I posted and alot has happened since my last update. In August we had the last of the assessments and were given a diagnoses of gender dysphoria or transgender. the counselor felt it was best that we help our child transition socially...so now our dear daughter is now dear son. We have picked a new male name and are exclusively using male pronouns. We have not made any legal changes but the school has been very accommodating and allowed the name change (except for on the transcripts) all of the teachers know and are using male pronouns and the correct name this year. We "came out" to close family and friends, and then came out on facebook to the rest of our family/friends. We've only received positive responses so far, everyone has been great about using the new name and male pronouns (although we all do slip from time to time, he has been very patient with us) We bought all new boy clothes for the school year too.

    Throughout this transition we've spoken to 3 counselors, our pediatrician, and the school counselors, all agreed this was what was best for him....but seeing how happy he has been the last 2 months was reassurance enough for me that we made the right choice. He knows we'll always support him and love him. We will always be his safe place. In my letter on facebook I made it very clear that if anyone didn't like our decision or couldn't/wouldn't use the male pronouns that its my job as mom to make sure he only feels love and support from people closest to him and that I will cut ties if they refuse to at the very least not make the transition harder. Everyone responded great though, they're all very proud of him for coming out (he is the second kid at his school to come out).

    With the exception of my moms husband, I'm not sure how we're going to tackle this yet. He works out of town and is only home 2 weekends a month...realistically we will not see him except for christmas...but, he said he CAN'T use the name Tyler. I explained to mom that I will never make her choose but, we wont be coming over for christmas unless he gets on board. I'm not asking him to walk in the pride parade with us, just use a simple name...and saying he can't really just means he wont...even if it hurts tyler's feelings and that is not. My mom has been supportive in her own way so I would never cut ties with her but our whole family has accepted her husband being a racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist jerk for 20 years, he can certainly accept this. My mom doesn't even want to talk about it. I know he is questioning me as a mother, he believes my liberal views have brainwashed my child into being transgender. I have posted online a few times about different transgender conferences we've attended, as well as our group meetings and apparently because of that he assumes this has all been a great joy ride for me. I am not enjoying any of it. I cry several times a week still because I do feel a great sense of loss right now....its something I'm struggling with but at the same time I KNOW this is what is best for my child. He is so happy. Last year he didn't go to 1 party, not 1 sleepover...this year, 4th week of school and he's had 2 parties and 3 sleepovers already!! HUGE difference in confidence, happiness, he is actually coming out of his room and watching movies with us, and snuggling with me again....something he didn't do at all last year. After being a good mom for 15 years and making responsible decisions for my kids I'm really annoyed that someone would start questioning me now, especially after I got the expert advice from several doctors on this! This was not something we took lightly at all.

    But aside from him, all of our responses have been very supportive, loving and positive. It was overwhelmingly positive. None of my fears have been realized, and I know he's only 12 and we have a long way to go we've come a long way in the past year and knowing we have people that have our backs, helps alot. The school has just been an awesome resource, they've really gone out of their way to make him feel comfortable and to alleviate any fears I've had for his safety.
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    Hi there! I know your thread was started awhile ago, but I just wanted to say how impressed I am by the relationship you have with your child! Your willingness to listen and nurture their exploration of identity means so much during this age where there is a lot of change. Know that is ok for you to feel the struggle with changes that deviate from what is traditionally considered "normal".
    All of our stories are different in the LGBTQ community, but we all have felt like the outsider at one point or another. My mom struggled for a very long time with my sexual orientation (thought I'm pretty gender normative). My mom is a person very focused on appearances and how those are interpreted by others, ie her translation is fear for my safety for being "different," etc. However we have grown to have a better relationship now than we ever had before my coming out.
    I feel your struggle with resources in Western NY. I too live in Buffalo now. Like others have mentioned, Rochester (where I grew up) does have a pretty strong community, though by reading some of your later posts, sounds like you linked in to some Buffalo resources too.
    I know many schools have lgbt interest groups/clubs (my high school back in rochester did, which provided a good peer community), maybe something available at your child's new school?
    Thank you for sharing your family's story. Sending some buffalove your way and hope things are going well after the move.

    the middle school does not have a GSA yet, but Tyler has spoke to his counselor and the counselor at school and they're all working on starting one. they're going to combine it with the high schools club twice a month. Aside from that we do have a parent group meeting once a month, and the kids all gather in another room at the same time. We attended an all day conference last week, we got to meet other families and hear from experts in this area on the topic of transitioning. It was really fun and informative
     

    cruisehopeful

    Wishing I was taking a nap on a ship.
    Joined
    Oct 25, 2015
    It sounds like you've been very busy taking good care of your little boy. I'm glad he is happy and things are going better for both of you.
    There were so many things I knew were possible with my own kids and oddly, one of them being transgender never even crossed my mind. I did think I had a cross dresser, but it never entered my mind that he was really a she. As you know now, while first learning about it can be very shocking as we worry so much about our kids as parents, it doesn't take too long to get used to the true identity of our babies and to realize that it is the exact same person that we've known and loved all along.

    I hear you on your mom's husband. I was astonished to hear from my husband that his twin brother and his wife "don't believe in transgender." I don't understand that. My initial reaction was to tell my husband that I don't believe in heart disease (something his brother has). Apparently, they believe that one can be born gay, but that they cannot be born transgender. I was so irate when I heard that and I was convinced that I wouldn't talk to them ever again. Later, I started to think maybe I should educate them and not think of them as stupid people. I still haven't talked to them, which isn't unusual. I have almost no contact with them anyway. I don't know what I'll do if the subject ever comes up. I'll just have to hope that I don't blow my top and that I can expose them to knowledge that they seem to not have. If they do turn out to be just stupid people, well, I don't want to spend any of my time with people like that. So, no loss for me. I hope this type of thing doesn't interfere with your relationship with your mom, though. It is very disrespectful to call someone by their wrong name deliberately. We all make mistakes now and then with pronouns when that changes, but to do it on purpose is just hateful.

    Thanks for checking in. I've wondered about you and the move and everything. You were dealt with a lot, but it sounds like you are strong enough to handle it. Good job, Mom!
     

    Grmnshplvr

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 8, 2014
    It sounds like you've been very busy taking good care of your little boy. I'm glad he is happy and things are going better for both of you.
    There were so many things I knew were possible with my own kids and oddly, one of them being transgender never even crossed my mind. I did think I had a cross dresser, but it never entered my mind that he was really a she. As you know now, while first learning about it can be very shocking as we worry so much about our kids as parents, it doesn't take too long to get used to the true identity of our babies and to realize that it is the exact same person that we've known and loved all along.

    I hear you on your mom's husband. I was astonished to hear from my husband that his twin brother and his wife "don't believe in transgender." I don't understand that. My initial reaction was to tell my husband that I don't believe in heart disease (something his brother has). Apparently, they believe that one can be born gay, but that they cannot be born transgender. I was so irate when I heard that and I was convinced that I wouldn't talk to them ever again. Later, I started to think maybe I should educate them and not think of them as stupid people. I still haven't talked to them, which isn't unusual. I have almost no contact with them anyway. I don't know what I'll do if the subject ever comes up. I'll just have to hope that I don't blow my top and that I can expose them to knowledge that they seem to not have. If they do turn out to be just stupid people, well, I don't want to spend any of my time with people like that. So, no loss for me. I hope this type of thing doesn't interfere with your relationship with your mom, though. It is very disrespectful to call someone by their wrong name deliberately. We all make mistakes now and then with pronouns when that changes, but to do it on purpose is just hateful.

    Thanks for checking in. I've wondered about you and the move and everything. You were dealt with a lot, but it sounds like you are strong enough to handle it. Good job, Mom!
    Never in all the things I could have imagined for my kids did this even cross my radar. Never gave it a second thought. But I also know things could be so much worse. He is healthy, and finally happy. What more could I ask for?

    that is just it, my moms husband does not believe in transgender. Just doesn't think its possible. I have posted numerous studies that are showing the theory that this is happening in the womb, but i know his brain isn't capable of grasping such a concept so I stopped trying to educate him. His mind is too narrow to allow any information in that goes against what he believes, regardless of facts or proof.

    Part of me thinks it wont affect our relationship with my mom because he is really out of town almost all the time for work, but in a way it already has. I haven't talked to her much lately, I can't listen to her defend him. All the nasty horrible things he has said about people over the years I've let go, for her sake....I wont do that when it comes to my child, and she knows it. He was posting transphobic posts on facebook AFTER we came out. I told my mother you know it makes him look bad because the whole family knows Tyler is transgender and they see your husband posting this crap, and they see you not saying a word about it!

    My husband has had some struggles and it took him a long time to accept it wasn't a phase but he knew he had to fake it till you make it so he wouldn't hurt tyler's feelings. So even though he felt uncomfortable doing it, he still used the right pronouns and name.
     

    mamabunny

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Oct 11, 2012
    @Grmnshplvr While I'm so very happy to see your follow-up, my heart aches that this could come between you and your Mom.

    Please don't let this person define your relationship - or Tyler's relationship - with your Mom. Normally I would never advocate for this, but if at all possible, you may have to arrange to meet with your Mom when he isn't around. And see if you can arrange to have a "private" Christmas celebration without him there as well.

    Who your Mom is married to is her business; you can't change that. And you don't want to be the person who "forces" her to leave him... if she is going to do that, she must come to that decision on her own.

    So, cut him out of the picture. If he asks why he isn't invited or welcome, explain directly and clearly (and in words with very few syllables LOL) why he won't be welcome until he agrees to treat Tyler with respect, which includes using his proper name - Tyler.

    And if he doesn't ask, or doesn't seem to care that he isn't part of those gatherings? Sounds like you maybe dodged a stinker there.

    Hang in there. You are *awesome*, and Tyler is going to be great - I know, because I met his mama on the The Dis! :)
     

    PollyannaMom

    I was a click-clack champ!!
    Joined
    May 16, 2006
    I can't listen to her defend him.
    And you shouldn't have to! Have a private talk with your mom and explain that every fiber of your instinct as a mother dictates that your son comes before this man. Tell her you absolutely want to maintain your relationship with her, but that you don't want to put her in the middle between you and her husband, so you would like to agree to just leave him out of your conversations all together.

    (And definitely get him off your Facebook! I don't have that myself, from from what I've heard, you can "unfriend", block, and all sorts of things. Don't subject yourself to the stuff he's posting.)

    Best of luck to you and to Tyler. It's great to hear his school is handling things well! And thanks for coming back to update.
     


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