Wedding gifts

[Eastern]

I went to a website that tells you how much you should pay.
http://www.theweddingenvelope.com/
It will calculate by how much you make and how well do you know the couple..

wow, that was interesting. It said I should give double what I usually give (>$400 vs $200). This is for 'relatives on their first wedding'. I think it's tacky that the amount is based on number of weddings; a wedding is a wedding.

 

[Eastern]

Holy crap! I feel super cheap now
I remember for my own wedding the highest amount that I received from anyone was $250 and that was my very well to do aunt. For the most part, I received amounts ranging from $25-$50. I thought that $25 for a couple was cheap. Now I know that I have been cheap. I never knew.

Same here. Most people gave us very conservative amounts, even those who were 'established'.

btw we went to an event fairly recently (not a wedding) that was in NYC, with extravagant catering, entertainers, etc. I asked a friend what we should give, he said 'at least $500'. What?? It probably wouldn't have covered our plates anyway! I think NY/NJ has the highest estimations for gift giving. It's crazy.

 

[nene0182]

The suggested amount for my area for a relative getting married for the first time on a Saturday during the peak season and having a traditional wedding (wow there was a lot of questions to answer on that little quiz!) is more then my monthly car payment for our brand new car. So , sorry I might love my cousins but there is no way I would ever give that much as a gift. I got married 3 years ago and I know no one even came close to giving the amount. The average was $25-$50 and that's what we give too. I know that "quiz" asked your location but I don't think it really took it into account.

 

[okeydokey]

I can't believe how much weddings have changed over the years. It is such an industry now and all the TV shows depict more and more elaborate and clever weddings so that everyone now sees them as the norm. Everyone tries to one up everybody else and the gift issue goes right along with that.

 

[goodfood4ursoul]

I can't believe how much weddings have changed over the years. It is such an industry now and all the TV shows depict more and more elaborate and clever weddings so that everyone now sees them as the norm. Everyone tries to one up everybody else and the gift issue goes right along with that.

Thank you for speaking that out loud.
You were reading my mind.

Modern weddings are a poster child for "Keeping up with the Joneses"

1. It's just ONE DAY in a life. Yes, an important day, but not as important as the rest of your days being married- days when you need to balance the budget, spend time teaching your kids your values, etc as you go through the ups and downs of life together.
Who are folks trying to impress anyway?

2. The real gift, as a PP mentioned, is that people cared enough about you to come be with you on a special day.
DS and his fiancee' are planning a simple wedding with a down home potluck reception.
They have been to weddings where some folks get to come to the reception and some don't.
They want their friends and family to just come celebrate with them.
No gift necessary but if you want to bring something, bring a dish to pass.
They both have large extended families and many friends and the gift of their presence on that day would mean the world to them.

Love is not measured in dollars and cents.
Memories are not made of money either.

But hugs, handshakes, conversations, and pictures to remember these precious moments- those are priceless~

 

[dreamin_disney]

This is dumb! I answered as if dh's uncle were going to get married . Backyard wedding and it said I should give $335 !!!!! I don't think so!

My wedding was simply and in a hall. Most gifts cards and money were $25-$50

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I think it depends on the area of the country and what you grow up with.

I was married in 1996 (yes a long time ago) and received $1,000 from a number of people, a number of $500 checks and the rest $150-$300 checks.

My typical gift from my husband and I today is never under $300 and is usually more around $500, but can go up depending on the relationship - family etc.

Shower gifts are typically a plate setting of fine china or sterling silver.

I had never heard of not feeding wedding guests until I went to college in the south, or charging guests for alcohol until I came to the DIS.

 

[aprilgail2]

I never hear of the venue determining the value of a wedding gift!

I'd chose something from the registry I could afford. I would spend more for a closer friend or relative.

What's the point of a registry if you aren't supposed to buy a gift from it? Or is that just where wedding guests who aren't invited to the reception are supposed to shop?
]

Registries here are for the engagement party and the shower- for the wedding its usually cash only.

Actually went to a party (was told this was instead of a bridal shower) that I had to purchase tickets for my family of 5 to attend, was asked to bring a pot luck dish, and told where the couple was registered so we could also buy a gift. Then they requested people donate money to dance with the bride because we were "raising" money for the couple's honeymoon.
This was more than 10 years ago for my husband's cousin. I went along with it at the time, but when her sister had a similar event a few years I ago, we politely declined the "fundraising party".
Tacky!

OMG--that is almost as tacky as that "dollar dance" I have read about on these boards!

 

[Eastern]

I was married in 1996 (yes a long time ago) and received $1,000 from a number of people, a number of $500 checks and the rest $150-$300 checks.

My typical gift from my husband and I today is never under $300 and is usually more around $500, but can go up depending on the relationship - family etc.

I think that was unusual back then. The amounts I got (in North Jersey) were much less, and we paid a lot for our reception.

I would guess that the average wedding gift today, given by two people, for a catered wedding on a Saturday night, in the Northeast, is now ~ $200.

 

[jimandami]

I guess I am super cheap too (wouldn't have thought so before this thread). Here is what I don't understand....is it not your choice to have an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding or something in between? Is it not your choice to invite a small number of people or a large number of people? Why should the guests bring you a gift or give you money based on the choices that you made for your own wedding? If you can't afford such a lavish wedding without your guests paying for part of it with gifts, you shouldn't have one!

 

[barkley]

Registries here are for the engagement party and the shower- for the wedding its usually cash only.



OMG--that is almost as tacky as that "dollar dance" I have read about on these boards!

here's some tacky (imho) that continued AFTER the wedding-


bride and groom had several parties/showers pre-wedding (with most guests invited to all). wedding was held where the bride's parents currently lived (don't think the bride ever lived there, her parents opted to retire there). while in the state b/g and MAJORITY of guests lived, it was a good full days drive to get there (no airport less than a 3 or 4 hour drive away). so...lodging was pretty much a must, except that the wedding was held on the Saturday of a Monday holiday weekend and none of the lodgers would do anything short of a minimum 3 nite reservation at sky high rates (and figure you had to take a day off work on Friday to get there in time, so higher cost to attend).

to say that wedding attendance was lower than expected is accurate. also, b/c the bulk of guests had already gifted multiple times, even the ones who opted not to attend and incur those expenses, if they chose to still give a wedding gift it was rather modest.


fast forward 2 months post wedding, the groom's dad starts calling people and asking if they have plans for the upcoming Saturday. when people say 'no' he says 'great' and explains they are having a potluck bbq (very much the norm for the area) and want to know if they can attend. he waits UNTIL the invitee responds 'yes' and then tells them 'great the kids are back from their honeymoon and this will be the opportunity for everyone who didn't send their wedding gift to give it in person'

tacky, tacky, tacky I would have been embarrassed beyond belief if my parent had done this (but apparently the b/g were all for it).



post script-after the first couple of people were called word spread and people either came up with something they were doing that weekend or closely watched their caller i.d.

 

[veraletta]

I have gone to many weddings that had the dollar dance and it was always for fun. Bride and Groom wanted to see who was worth more...

but the dance really is in the Poland culture:

The money dance, dollar dance, or apron dance is an event at some wedding receptions in various cultures. During a money dance, male guests pay to dance briefly with the bride, and sometimes female guests pay to dance with the groom. The custom originated in Poland in the early 1900s in immigrant neighborhoods.

Sometimes guests are told that the money will be used for the bride and groom's honeymoon or to give them a little extra cash with which to set up housekeeping.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think that was unusual back then. The amounts I got (in North Jersey) were much less, and we paid a lot for our reception.

I would guess that the average wedding gift today, given by two people, for a catered wedding on a Saturday night, in the Northeast, is now ~ $200.

I think our average gift was $200 almost 20 years ago. We got $500 from close (older) family members, $1000 from grandma, and $100/$150 from the younger couples. We lucked out, and the facility where we had the reception allowed us to buy our own alcohol, and hire our own bartenders (still had to use their caterers), and I think it was only $75 a head.

 

[angierae]

I got married almost seven years ago and I can't even remember what most people gave us, to be honest. That wasn't the point of our wedding reception and while I was thankful for our gifts, they weren't necessary in the first place. We spent what we spend on our wedding because we could afford it and that's what we'd budgeted. We did not look at the gifts as "making back" any of the money we spent.

DH and I make a lot less than a lot of people here on DisBoards (but we are comfortable in the lifestyle we lead, so I'm not worried about it) and we give between $100 and $200 at weddings depending on how well we know the bride and groom.

 

[krcit]

I guess I am super cheap too (wouldn't have thought so before this thread). Here is what I don't understand....is it not your choice to have an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding or something in between? Is it not your choice to invite a small number of people or a large number of people? Why should the guests bring you a gift or give you money based on the choices that you made for your own wedding? If you can't afford such a lavish wedding without your guests paying for part of it with gifts, you shouldn't have one!

See, this is what always happens on these wedding threads. I live in a 'cover your plate' area. It is just the norm around here. I do not take it literally, I give what I can afford to give. when I got married, we paid for the wedding we could afford with no expectations of gifts. We received gifts ranging from $25 to $1,000 and were grateful for all of them. There are always going to be spoiled and ungrateful people but that doesn't mean that everyone who gets married in the 'cover your plate' areas is that way. It is just the way it is done here for the most part. Now, my best friend got married on the beach in a bathing suit and burgers and dogs on the grill and I gave her the same gift I would have if she had the fancy catering hall. I give what I can afford and also it varies based on my relationship with the couple.

 

[Spoot]

See, this is what always happens on these wedding threads. I live in a 'cover your plate' area. It is just the norm around here. I do not take it literally, I give what I can afford to give. when I got married, we paid for the wedding we could afford with no expectations of gifts. We received gifts ranging from $25 to $1,000 and were grateful for all of them. There are always going to be spoiled and ungrateful people but that doesn't mean that everyone who gets married in the 'cover your plate' areas is that way. It is just the way it is done here for the most part. Now, my best friend got married on the beach in a bathing suit and burgers and dogs on the grill and I gave her the same gift I would have if she had the fancy catering hall. I give what I can afford and also it varies based on my relationship with the couple.

Then how is it "cover your plate"? If what you give has nothing to do with the cost of your plate (you say it is based on what you can afford and your relationship to the couple), then where does the "plate" come in?

 

[krcit]

Then how is it "cover your plate"? If what you give has nothing to do with the cost of your plate (you say it is based on what you can afford and your relationship to the couple), then where does the "plate" come in?

Honestly, I don't know. I just know that living on LI my whole life, that's what people say. I just take it to mean thst weddings here are very expensive affairs usually. They are held in catering halls with formal dress and expensive food and open bars. Maybe that is why the average gift is quite a bit higher here than in other parts of the country. Doesn't make it better or worse than other traditions but it is just what we know here just like smaller, less formal weddings are what other folks know.

I am curious about the phrase 'cover your plate' and I am going to try to look it up but I have to get ready for work now.

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly, I don't know. I just know that living on LI my whole life, that's what people say. I just take it to mean thst weddings here are very expensive affairs usually. They are held in catering halls with formal dress and expensive food and open bars. Maybe that is why the average gift is quite a bit higher here than in other parts of the country. Doesn't make it better or worse than other traditions but it is just what we know here just like smaller, less formal weddings are what other folks know.

I am curious about the phrase 'cover your plate' and I am going to try to look it up but I have to get ready for work now.

Wow, I was going to say the same exact thing! I honestly don't know where the phrase comes from - I guess I assumed it came to be trying to explain why people give more generous gifts here? I don't know a single person who actually "covers their plate," who determines what the weddings costs, and writing a check based on that number. Most people here (just like everywhere) have a pretty set amount that they give, based more on the relationship with the couple than on the particular venue. It's just that the set amount tends to be higher here, than the set amount people give in other areas.

When I hear of bridezillas who complain they didn't get the amount they expected from the wedding gifts, I just assume they're not from here, and expected something out of the norm for their area. I don't think you can just have a lavish wedding anywhere, and expect your guests to give you a bigger gift than what they would usually give.

 

[bdws]

Wow. In my area it is still very much the norm to give wrapped gifts off the registry. Cash is common too, but no more so than gifts. After my own wedding it was fun to unwrap the gifts, sort of like having a Christmas in June. The cash we received was definitely appreciated, but no more or less so than the physical gifts. I have to agree with everyone about giving what you can afford. Any expectations for a larger amount are out of line in my opinion.

What's funny is that years later one of the "gifts" we still use on a regular basis was not actually a gift, but some glasses we used as wedding favors. We had extras and they're still in our cupboards, and we drink out of them often.

 

[S. C.]

When my husband and I go to a wedding, I give $100 from both of us. It's better than nothing! We are a single income family with four kids so its what we can do.

Personally, I think it's extremely classless for a couple to expect specific amounts from guests. If you want to make money, then sell tickets, otherwise "you get what you get and you don't get upset".


Don't forget, etiquette wise, it's okay to give a wedding gift up to a year after the wedding.

The calculator is interesting but according to it I should give "relatives" having a traditional style wedding $400! That is way too much in my opinion.

I stay in the $200 range for neices / nephews and if anyone thinks I'm cheap they should feel free to not include me in future affairs

My thoughts exactly!

We are retired and we give what we are comfortable giving. If it is not enough ... Oh well!

I guess I am super cheap too (wouldn't have thought so before this thread). Here is what I don't understand....is it not your choice to have an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding or something in between? Is it not your choice to invite a small number of people or a large number of people? Why should the guests bring you a gift or give you money based on the choices that you made for your own wedding? If you can't afford such a lavish wedding without your guests paying for part of it with gifts, you shouldn't have one!