Wedding invitation with rules

[mjkacmom]

I've been to weddings mostly in the Philly and South Jersey area, where buffets are the norm (at least in my circle). I've been to tacky buffets-think giant swans made out of potato salad- and to really fancy ones with servers putting everything on your plate for you. I went to one wedding where it was plated and served and you had a couple of choices on the invitation to choose from. I *much* preferred the buffets. Easier and with more variety usually.

Most of my weddings were in northeast NJ, plated is more popular and my preference. Since cocktail hour is usually a buffet and passed items, I’m ready to sit and be served (not that I’m the least bit hungry for a multi course dinner).

 

[maxaroni]

Born and raised in Northeast NJ, all weddings were plated and served. Our wedding venue, back in the early ‘80s, had the choice of plated or buffet, we wanted plated. However, it was more expensive for a buffet as they need larger quantity of foods.

Our DS got married in 2020, as well as many in his friend group (end of 2020), all were plated dinners.

I have only been to one buffet style wedding, which was in Pittsburgh.

 

[bluedolphin32]

I'm glad we were well out of "wedding season" in our friend group before social media became a thing.

I am so thankful we got married before weddings became what they are now. It's really sad how much social pressure there is for everything to be perfect and unique and amazing. It causes so much unnecessary stress. Which leads me to my 2nd point.

I always say that it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding.

My main takeaway from this thread is that I wish people would put at least half as much effort into preparing themselves for a healthy, long lasting marriage as they do into the ceremony, which lasts for several hours at most. There are many ways to do this, from reading books to premarital counseling, to just talking through important things with your intended. Yes, the wedding is special day, but it's only the kickoff. You need to be prepared to play the whole game. If it's important to you for your wedding to be or to look a certain way, that's fine, but think about what comes after that as well.

 

[Nora03]

I love wedding threads. This one has devolved from clothing to dinner. When we got married 53 years ago we had a plated dinner, but had additional bowls of food on the tables. It was a roast beef dinner and we had meatballs, cabbage rolls, etc. When my daughters got married one had a hotel banquet room reception with canapés and a plated dinner. My younger daughter chose to have her reception at a university faculty club where we had a sumptuous buffet with two entrees - prime rib and chicken and all the salads and sides and a delicious dessert table. It was by far the most delicious dinner with numerous options.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

This is what I don’t get though. Why does it matter? The people in the bridal party know it and the guests who may be wearing the same colour dress also know they are not in the bridal party.

At one wedding I went to, the bridesmaids wore black. And so did most of the guests. Everyone looked great! But maybe I’m out of the loop with weddings today. I guess it just seems like a non-issue to me.

It didn't matter to me, but I can't decide what matters to others. I don't even know for sure why the bride & groom asked their guests to not wear those colors, but they obviously had a reason. As an invited guest, I'd respect their wishes or decline the invitation. After all, it's their wedding. It's not about me.

Case in point. A lot of people have mentioned adult only weddings. Where I'm from, kids are never listed on the invitation, but they're always welcome. When we moved away, I was surprised to receive invitations to weddings, parties & other events that requested no kids. At the time, DS was young. We didn't leave him with babysitters, so those events were out for us. I would have much preferred being asked to not wear certain colors. Regardless, I didn't judge the couple, get mad at them or talk behind their backs. I simply politely declined the invitation.

 

[snikki]

I’m in NJ and have been to both plated and buffets. I prefer plated because I would rather be served but the best food I’ve ever had at weddings were buffet. The plated dinners were bland, not the right temperature and/or dry.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I’m in NJ and have been to both plated and buffets. I prefer plated because I would rather be served but the best food I’ve ever had at weddings were buffet. The plated dinners were bland, not the right temperature and/or dry.

I would actually agree buffets IME have had the best tasting, right temperature and most varied options for guests. We still talk about this one pasta dish we had at that December wedding (which I believe was in 2021) at how good it was. And so long as the tables are called up (which is generally what I see they call up two tables or so at one time) in reasonable times you don't have tables going without food for too long. Some of the plated dinner ones we've been to the first tables have been done for so long by the time the other ones even get served it's a bit awkward.

 

[goofyernmost]

Sorry, this sounds to me like someone is bitter about being invited. "Forced to provide wedding gifts"? Really? I've never felt "forced".

And wouldn't giving the guest the opportunity to choose their own outfit mean they can pick something out that isn't a "one use wardrobe"?

And you have no idea what their reasoning is, so you have no clue whether its unreasonable or not. All of the thoughts here (for photos or to distinguish the bridal party) are nothing more than guesses.

If you don't want to go, then don't. As has been said throughout the thread, its an invitation, not a summons.

I believe that is exactly what I have been saying. BTW, can you imagine going to a wedding and reception and not feeling like you really had to give a gift. Perhaps you haven't but many people on a budget find it a difficulty, Good for you that you can afford it. It also depends on the closeness of the relationship with the bride or groom or family. Some are just a tad above a casual friendship. Do you think they could attend and feel good about NOT giving a gift and now on top of the they must spend more money on the requesting clothing even if they can wear it elsewhere. I also very clearly said that I would not attend under those condition but thanks for the advice.

As I look your post over it occurred to me that you didn't really understand what is being asked. If you are going to request that everyone dress in some designated colors it is not your choice. You might like the colors or you might not but if going depends on doing what they ask then your choices are either I'm ok and I will find a way to wear it again or you say, as soon as this is over point me to the nearest dumpster so I can dispose of this before being seen in public.

 

[snikki]

I have declined wedding invites for people I’m not close to because of dress codes and expensive gifts. I haven’t felt a tiny bit guilty about it and I don’t send a gift after the fact either.

I was recently invited to a black tie wedding at a very fancy place. It is a family members stepdaughter who I have met maybe 3 times in 15 years. We declined. My family member was upset (I HIGHLY doubt the bride cared or even remembered we were invited since he requested we be invited) but there was no way I was spending that kind of money on someone’s wedding I barely knew. This called for my husband to rent a tux, me to get a gown, hair, makeup, wedding gift and maybe a hotel room near the venue or uber (only 20 minute ride home but we like to drink).

Would I do all of this for someone I’m close to and love? In a minute and I wouldn’t complain once. We’ve done destination weddings for family and friends and didn’t think twice.

If it’s that much of a hardship for you just decline. I’m sure the bride and groom will be ok with it.

 

[lifesavacation]

I'm hosting a rehearsal dinner in a couple of weeks and the plated meals are cheaper than the buffet service. There's usually more food options with the buffet.

 

[lifesavacation]

This is what I don’t get though. Why does it matter? The people in the bridal party know it and the guests who may be wearing the same colour dress also know they are not in the bridal party.

At one wedding I went to, the bridesmaids wore black. And so did most of the guests. Everyone looked great! But maybe I’m out of the loop with weddings today. I guess it just seems like a non-issue to me.

As the mother of the groom coming up, I've been asked to wear black. Everyone outside the bridal party that will be photographed has been asked to wear black. I'm all for it. I was asked to wear light pink when my other son got married and that's not a good color for me at all.

 

[Disneylover99]

As the mother of the groom coming up, I've been asked to wear black. Everyone outside the bridal party that will be photographed has been asked to wear black. I'm all for it. I was asked to wear light pink when my other son got married and that's not a good color for me at all.

I agree. Black is good. Light pink? Not so much.

 

[GoingSince1990]

As the mother of the groom coming up, I've been asked to wear black. Everyone outside the bridal party that will be photographed has been asked to wear black. I'm all for it. I was asked to wear light pink when my other son got married and that's not a good color for me at all.

I would say that dictating to the bride or groom’s mom what color dress they should wear is unpardonable bossiness. It’s not like they have the option to “just don’t go if you don’t like it” expressed by so many previous posters. Just let the moms wear whatever they feel like they look good in and are comfortable in.

 

[snikki]

I would say that dictating to the bride or groom’s mom what color dress they should wear is unpardonable bossiness. It’s not like they have the option to “just don’t go if you don’t like it” expressed by so many previous posters. Just let the moms wear whatever they feel like they look good in and are comfortable in.

I have never been to a wedding where the mom of the bride and groom haven’t been told a color or colors to wear. Or at least have the color “approved” by the bride and groom. The fathers also get their suits with the bridal parties and colors are picked for them. Color schemes are important for these pictures. I thought that was the norm for weddings.

 

[GoingSince1990]

I have never been to a wedding where the mom of the bride and groom haven’t been told a color or colors to wear. Or at least have the color “approved” by the bride and groom. The fathers also get their suits with the bridal parties and colors are picked for them. Color schemes are important for these pictures. I thought that was the norm for weddings.

Wow. It would never have even occurred to my wife or me to require our moms to submit their proposed dress colors to us for “approval” prior to our wedding. But I guess that was long before the days of so many becoming fixated on the Instagram.

 

[lifesavacation]

I have never been to a wedding where the mom of the bride and groom haven’t been told a color or colors to wear. Or at least have the color “approved” by the bride and groom. The fathers also get their suits with the bridal parties and colors are picked for them. Color schemes are important for these pictures. I thought that was the norm for weddings.

The coordinated colors photographed well. I will say the grandmothers weren't told a color and my stepmom stood out in a not so good way in her patterned blue dress.

 

[snikki]

Wow. It would never have even occurred to my wife or me to require our moms to submit their dress colors to us for “approval” prior to our wedding. But I guess that was long before the days of so many becoming fixated on the Instagram.

I remember my aunt having my grandma wear pink to her wedding almost 30 years ago. In my circle it’s normal.

They may say “these colors will look good with dads suit/tux” and give them a list of colors.

These pictures will last a lifetime.

 

[kymom99]

I have never been to a wedding where the mom of the bride and groom haven’t been told a color or colors to wear. Or at least have the color “approved” by the bride and groom. The fathers also get their suits with the bridal parties and colors are picked for them. Color schemes are important for these pictures. I thought that was the norm for weddings.

I wore a gown for my step daughters wedding. No one gave me a color choice. I wore what I liked. And I was skinny then so I easily found a gown to wear.

 

[kymom99]

The coordinated colors photographed well. I will say the grandmothers weren't told a color and my stepmom stood out in a not so good way in her patterned blue dress.

Did no one tell the step mom about the plan?

 

[lifesavacation]

Did no one tell the step mom about the plan?

I guess my son and his bride didn't color coordinate beyond the mothers, at least on our side. The photographer ended up cropping most of the photos with her in them to the shoulders. I hope she didn't notice that. She is super sweet and was dressed wedding appropriate, just not color coordinated with the rest of the family.

So, if you're going with a color scheme, make sure everyone knows